Ducks Amuck

I'm in such a strange space

I can't say I'm totally at ease here

But I am more peaceful than I have been in a while

I am feeling comfortable in my own skin, happy to be me:

Messy
Squirmy
Picking at my fingernails
Spacey sometimes
Brilliant others
Tired a lot
Lover of love
Never say diet
Indecisive
Impulsive
Questioning
Poking
Prodding
Silly
Funny
Curious
Anxious
Quirky
Perky
Running late
Procrastinating
Living on my own with ducks amuck


Me.

Feelings Lie?

I'm confused by that
mainly because I have a lot of them

I've been told many times throughout my life
that I am very perceptive

My perception is partly based on feelings
partly on observation and lastly on actions

So my perception of "feelings lie"
is that, sometimes they do

But other times "feelings lie"
is simply a clever way to negate
the feelings of another

I Have Walked A Mile

in so many shoes.

I'd like to rest now
in a comfortable pair.

I forgot

about me.

He Talked To Me Today

He talked to me today
I know it must be him

Either I'm totally crazy
or he talks to me through other people

It seems that it's my patients mostly
I'm guessing it's because I can listen to them without emotion

It seemed more obvious than usual today
he (my patient) just started talking without preface

No story or byline he just simply
delivered the message

It's always pertinent to my life situation at that moment
it always evokes thought and provides some clarity

If I let myself be open to it
If I allow myself to accept the blessing

It is truly miraculous

The New Girl

I'm starting to get to know
this new girl that's emerging

With each stone that is lifted
each patch of earth that is shifted

With each layer that is shed
the light up above seems more in focus

Letting go of preconceived notions
scrubbing off the build-up of the past 43 years

Growing into myself, lighting my own path
I don't have to keep carrying all of this stuff around

The past is the past
life is not black and white

In all of it's glory
it's ten thousand shades of gray

No one is supposed to do anything
except die and pay taxes

I am taking a swing at that theoretical shoe
I'm going to make it drop so I can stop fearing it

The rhetorical questioning in my mind has stopped
life is hard enough, I'm just taking it as it comes

Focusing on the gifts of each new day
and being "love"

My puppy, My friend, My furry little smile maker

I Got Published!!!

My first publication, I'm so excited. I guess this means I am officially a freelance writer!!! I've always heard that you should write about what you love. It's so ironic that it was my lifelong love for Mexican food that ultimately got me published. I should have known it would be food, it is what I love. LOL!!

Click on "Don't Miss the Tampa Taco Bus" to the right to read my article.

My Needs in a Relationship

Communication (even though it's hard for me)

Togetherness

Stability

Spontaneity

Fun

Laughter

Passion

Support

Non-Judgment

Time with mutual friends

Alone time

Flexibility

Consideration

Spirituality

Kindness

Patience

Trust

to be continued....

The Exhale

Tonight I remembered why
I have this yearning to be near the water

I finally allowed myself some time
to sit on the dock, under the stars

I rocked in a rocking chair built for two
just me, Maggie laid down on the dock

There was a beautiful breeze
the water was swiftly moving

Then it happened, the exhale

This huge breath of salted air that fills my lungs
as it leaves my body, so do all my worries

The feeling of the salt settling on my skin
the sound of the water and the sea breeze

I was as close to the water as I could get
without actually getting in

I could almost feel the water running through me
surging through my veins

Washing away the stresses of the day
clearing the slate, as a shoreline is smoothed by a wave

The water is my past, my present, my future
I could stay here forever

My Girls

Struggling

To struggle by definition:

• make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction
• strive to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance
• engage in conflict
• make one's way with difficulty

As cliche' as this may sound
I feel like I have been struggling all my life

Maybe we all are struggling
but I have only lived my own

I signed documents today
that will complete an entire volume of my life

A volume filled with turmoil, scandal, anxiety
fear, uncertainty, tears, insecurity, awakening and growth

Sprinkled throughout were moments of elation and joy
giving birth to and raising my two sons

As I sit here, in the quiet of my new home
I feel so many emotions, I have so many questions

None of which can be answered by anyone else

I have done the very best that I can
I have made hard choices and big decisions

I set a goal of August 1, 2010
and on that night I slept in my new home

I met conflict head on and didn't back down
something I have never, ever done before

I feel proud

I am filled with wonder

Wonder about what the next volume of my life will look like
will all the pieces of the puzzle fit together

I used to feel like my life was scattered, like satellites
it's not anymore, for the most part

I don't really know what to do with that
it has been my existence for as far back as I can remember

One life here, one life there, another over there
it is so quiet now, so very silent

I can hear the traffic on Gandy
the occasional footsteps of my neighbor above

Today I signed the papers

The Most Glorious Gift

What do you say?

When "thank you" isn't enough

When "I love you" doesn't even come close

When there simply are no words

What do you do?

When you can't get close enough

When you can't hug tightly enough

When the time you spend together goes by too fast

You.....

Wake up each morning and revel in the joy of being in a loving relationship

Smile and share kindness because your heart is full but light

Know that the other part of you is never very far away

Keep putting one foot in front of the other on the road to creating your future

But most importantly......

You thank God for blessing you
with the most wonderful and glorious gift
that one person could ask for

Love

Loving Fearlessly

If it's between love and losing
to never have known the feeling
I'd still side with love

And if I end up lonely
at least I'll be there knowing
I believed in love

~Fearless, Colbie Caillat

I'm Free

I did it
I no longer have to live with the stigma
of being the "woman who still lives with her husband"

I don't have to tell my story anymore
I don't have to try to justify or explain
It simply no longer exists

I'm free to be me
to create myself, my life
the way I want it to be

I keep having to fight
to keep myself from feeling guilty
from feeling selfish

I have dreamt of this day
I have envisioned it in terror
and I have envisioned it in bliss

Honestly, so far, it's been both
but I'm out here, standing on my own two feet
and I can do anything I put my mind to

It is such an incredible feeling
I'm free, completely free
and I am ready to create my future

Boxes

I feel like I'm squishing my soul
into a bunch of small boxes.

I just hope that when I open them
it hasn't been damaged.

This is hard.....

A lot harder than I thought it would be.

I just continue to put one foot
in front of the other.

I'm so tired though,
so very tired.

Tears come and go,
small glimmers of excitement.

Questioning myself, my abilities
trying hard to treat myself with kindness.

Fear wanes and sadness swells
as this very large volume of my life
is coming to a close.

No do overs, no encores,
no curtain call, just fade to boxes.

Real Life

It isn't pretty sometimes
and it's not always fun

But if, at the end of the day
you can lay down beside the person
that you most want to share this life with and:

Laugh
Cry
Melt down
Pray
Fall into exhausted sleep
Toss and turn
Make love
Comfort
Eat cheesecake
Share secrets
Argue

Simply to know that your support, your love
will be there laying next to you at the end of the day

Helping to wipe the slate clean
to face life again in the morning, with a new and refreshed perspective

The ultimate source of strength and motivation
to stay close to the path that is unfolding with each new day

Laying one brick of life experience at a time
creating a firm foundation on which all future dreams will sit

That's real life
That's the future I'm creating

Winds of Change

Tonight I was blessed to share the company
of two of the most amazing women

At the same table, on the same page
sharing smiles, stories, sushi and saki

My satellites are starting to merge
and I feel a love for myself that I have not ever felt before

I am living and loving fearlessly
I am free to be myself and create my future

Sitting in that booth side by side for three hours,
couldn't have felt more right

My sweet South African Angel said,
"this is a great time in both of your lives"

She couldn't be more right

It feels so good to know where I am going
and who I want to go there with

It feels so good to love without expectation
to simply "be" love, without fear of consequence

My prayer is that this peace that I have found
will spill over into every aspect of my life

Creating a sea of love and winds of faith
strong enough to sail me into a future of health and happiness

I Prayed For Clear Signs

He told me, he showed me
I was not evil, crazy, or broken
I was simply.......

Afraid

Thank you Lord for the clarity
Thank you Lord for the peace
Thank you Lord for the long awaited answer

I am now free to create my future
a future that is

Healthy
Happy
Loving
Peaceful
Safe
Enduring
Passionate
Creative
Trusting
Considerate
Confident
Thoughtful
Spiritual
Affectionate
Kind
Exciting
Imaginative

and filled with pets, family of choice, children and grandchildren.

If I Could

I would take every other one

just so she could be free for a time

free from the pain that plagues her

free to do the things that make her happy

such a helpless feeling

not being able to take it all away

nothing to say or do

to make it better for her

she worried that I would grow tired

I'm not tired, I'm thankful

that I can offer my support and take care

she's working so hard, ridding her body of toxins

doing what she needs to do to be healthy

I'm so proud of her

so strong, so determined

I would take every other one

If only I could

No Worries

An old friend
and a glass of wine

A message from
my creator

5 uninterrupted moments
with my favorite girl

A job I love
with wages on which I can live

Firm ground
to stand on

Laughing about laser hair removal
and valley girl dating 101

Love

It's been a good day

It's gonna be a good life

No worries

Being Love

I kind of like the idea
of a clean slate every day

Empty and meaningless she says
no remains of the day before

No brooding or analyzing
no pondering or worrying

What on earth will I do?

It's freeing, I will say that
living in the moment, I'm learning

Cause all we have is now, today
and it's perfect

I'm reading about loving without fear
I'm so afraid to let people love me

In order to not fear love
we have to be love

I like the concept
I can be love, I'm good at that, I love love

I guess I have to be change also
in order not to fear it

Well, I'm being change alright
so many good things going on in my head

Possibilities, endless and infinite
colors, fragrances, lights and sounds

What I want
how I want to make it

I want to be love rich
not house poor

I'm being change
I'm being love
I'm being me
I'm cleaning the slate
starting each day new
today I feel love
today it feels good
for that I am thankful

very, very thankful

I told him

Tonight I told Joe

It seemed like the right time and I think it was

He took it well

He said, "I've pretty much known that my whole life"

I did it

and the world is still spinning on it's axis

Maggie Bean

My girl

her love is unconditional

I drag her from place to place

and it's still me she loves

I will find a place where we can be us

where she will bark to let me know someone is there

my cuddly little security system

my sweet spotted bundle of smiles

she makes me laugh

she's made me cry

she ran my first miles with me

she's made me so angry

she's made me so happy

she's a part of my soul

I knew her before her nose was black

I knew her before she had spots on her back

I will provide her home, I will provide her love, I will provide her care

she's my Maggie Bean

I'm Done

It has been so many years

years filled with trying and fake smiles

pretend hugs and empty promises

"we'll get together soon"

an end to that, starts today

I will not be a slave to manipulation

I will not fall prey to passive aggressive bullshit

I would rather have no one in my life

than deal with the gut wrenching antics

of the clown car clan

smoke and mirrors, it has been said before

bait and switch is more like it

"closed up" you say, I'm so tightly closed

I challenge you to deal with these people

and emerge unscathed, it won't happen

holidays, no more pretending

no more cooking all day and cleaning all night

while everyone smokes cigarettes on the back porch

and then talks about you the whole next day

no more, I'm done

you want goodbye

you got it

My Sweetest One Girl

You are so very special to me.

Someday soon, it will be me at your door.

A Smile and Kindness To Share

Sometimes when I feel down
and sorry for myself
God shows me something that I very much need to see

I know this girl, woman actually
I work with her
she is always smiling, always has a kind word

I got to chatting with her today in the lunch line
she went through a divorce about three years ago
her one bit of advice to me......

Don't sell out, Don't sell yourself short
She said, "I did and it's the biggest regret I have"

Wow, now there's a message, because I was about to do just that
I was about to roll over and play dead simply because I didn't want the fight

We continued to talk and I told her that I was seeing a counselor
and that the counselor had said to try not to let the whole
process affect my self confidence.....She said, "good luck with that"

The day progressed and through some incidental conversation
I learned that she had not only been divorced 3 years ago
but she had also lost her 6 month old baby girl to illness

This girl, gets herself up every day and comes to work
with a smile on her face and kindness to share
she lost her whole world, for crying out loud

You are so right God, I CAN get through this
and come out on the other side
with a smile and kindness to share

She Says I'm Amazing

I didn't feel amazing when she said it
so I asked her to clarify

To my astonishment she began
spouting off an objective list

I listened intently as tears
welled up in my eyes

I realized at that moment
that I am indeed an amazing woman

Satellites

I'm planning my commencement journey
a little bit at a time

But the fact that I'm planning and not ignoring
is a really huge step for me

Things are hard for me right now
I get lonely, in a house full of people

I do have periods of extreme happiness and joy
that interlace the tough times

But the poles are very very extreme
that's not easy for me today

It kind of reminds me of a contrast bath
being alternately dipped in freezing cold and then very hot water

It feels like I'm swimming in Jello (thanks Kelly)
that explains it all so well

I feel a little displaced no matter where I go
except for work I guess

I travel from place to place to try and have a life
but still be able to fulfill my commitments
(I'm not even sure I know what those are anymore)

I feel like there are bits and pieces of my life
all over the place

Little satellites hovering around
some having absolutely nothing to do with the other

I go to graduation,
she goes to Spring Hill

Georgia, Shaffer they don't have faces, because I can't go there
my kids don't yet know how wonderful she is

To my work friends, she can't have a personal face
I get that, I get it, but it still isn't easy

I love her mom, she doesn't know my dad
I need to create the possibility of her getting to know my dad

I need to create the possibility of her getting to know the boys
it's just hard to know when might be the right time

My existence with Ray
My dad and the boys
My mother, sister, grandparents
My friends
Her and her mom
Her friends
Her friends that I can't know
Places that I can't go
A new home awaits and I need to give up my consistent companion

Sometimes, late nights at 911
the satellites disappear for a time

Only to return
on the long ride home

So many satellites

My prayer, is that someday soon all my satellites will align
and ultimately merge into one peaceful, harmonious existence

My fear, is that they never will

Our Proudest Day

My Silly Boys

My High School Graduate

She's Not Coming

I don't know why that surprises me
I'm still serving my time
Her passive aggressive sentence
Handed down to me as I carried this very boy in my womb

I was five months pregnant with him
when she decided that my dad and I both would divorce her
it was all or nothing, I either loved her or loved my father
the choice wasn't difficult, she rendered herself hard to love

She pushed hard, kicked at times even
this pregnant child who's only anchor was her family
or so she thought

What a harsh reality
waking to find this anchor looped tightly around her neck
struggling to keep her head above water
drowning in a sea of bitterness, lies, hate and dishonor

It was a beautiful March day
the windows were open, the curtains blowing in the breeze
I was straightening the house,
tending to my first baby boy, anxiously awaiting the arrival of my second

The phone rang, I answered
the voice on the phone was familiar
but the loud, harsh tone I didn't recognize
I struggled to process the words, still not sure what I was hearing

"you're not the person I thought you were"
"self centered, uncaring, bitch"
"you don't give a damn about anyone but yourself"
"you think the whole world revolves around you"
"you don't appreciate anything that anybody does for you"

Funny how time puts a different spin on things,
I bet she never realized that she was describing
the person that she was to become

Congratulations Baby Boy, everyone who matters will be there

Finally......

I feel safe.....
What a most unlikely time.
God is good, I am so very grateful.

A Custom Made Mom

She changes her name
when she doesn't feel like being Barbara

She listens with kind ears
and a gentle soul

She looks through accepting eyes
searching for the very best in people

She loves like she's never been hurt
but she most certainly has

She fights back her own tears
as she shares her experiences
in an effort to guide a frightened soul

She has a beautiful smile
and an infectious laugh

She's strength, bravery, kindness, generosity,
determination and wisdom personified

She emanates warmth, softness, and comfort
giving the greatest, most sincere hugs

She gets up, goes out and tries
whether she feels like it or not

She represents every quality that I would choose
if I could create a custom made mom

Clearing the Hurdles of Communication

Since I was just a little girl
I have avoided confrontation and altercation

Granted I am MUCH better than I used to be
but I recently realized I still have a long way to go

I used to believe that I was a good communicator
I am, as long as it doesn't involve my needs or feelings

I can express needs and feelings if they don't create tension
it's the stress of causing discord that paralyzes me

Stifling my needs and feelings is no longer an option for me
my soul simply will not allow it anymore

The discomfort that I feel, trying to quell them
is far worse than just dealing with the issues at hand

I have recently found that not only does communication ease the discomfort
it actually peels back layers, exposes the potential for future growth
and creates a closer bond between two people

A crucial element in creating successful relationships
that I have been missing, all this time

Today and yesterday were not easy for me, for us, very difficult actually
but we cleared a really high hurdle this morning

And from what I understand now, about the importance of communication
these hurdles should get farther apart and much easier to clear

A Fun Night with Friends

Life Is Like a Box of Chocolates

Sometimes the crap gets old, bitter, hard to chew
and leaves a bad taste in your mouth

The Hardest Thing

is missing someone when they are standing right next to you and being lonely in a house full of people.

I Am Me

I am me
that's all
simply me
the way God intended
made to his specifications
I am simply me

I tread water sometimes
instead of doing a beautiful stroke
but I keep my head above water

I walk some days
instead of skipping
but I keep moving forward

I have built walls
to keep away the pain
but I'm learning to trust

I may wear baggy clothes
and tie my hair back
but I'm always beautiful on the inside

I always

care
try
love
respect

I never

belittle
ignore
hate
purposely hurt

My intentions are never anything but good

I am me
that's all
simply me
the way God intended
made to his specifications
I am simply me

Perfect, whole and complete

I Heart Team Fusion

She Knows

Standing in lines, taking in sights
assessing showtime together
because we know about showtime

Asking, "how's your head?"
saying, "you need to drink!"
because we know about migraines and the heat strokes

Laughter re-assuring
but comfort in silence too
because we are learning about easy

Studying maps both indoors and out
finding all the right places
because we are learning about pleasure

The perfect birthday weekend
feeling like a princess
because she knows thoughtful and kind

Disney Birthday Magic

I Am Not Alone In This World

There's a gentle tapping on the inside of my wrist that helps me to remember.

50 Years in the Pharmacy

Blooming and growing
ebbing and flowing
along life's trodden path

Washing and shedding
demons and heading
toward a light shining brightly at last

Giving and taking
sleeping then waking
to drink in another day

of

Laughing and crying
loving and trying
to learn each others ways

Silence and talking
running then walking
on our journey to create

Lasting and certain
strong and enduring
life, love, work and play

Kimpossible

"I recognize that building, but it's usually on the other side of the street"

Confidence

I'm kind of curious
about what makes someone
feel confident one day
and not so confident the next

Could it be that last night I learned
yet again that my own mother bad mouths
me to anyone who will listen

I guess that's why I never aspired
to have a high powered career
where I had to dazzle em' every day

Be at the top of my game
no matter what was going on behind the scenes of my life

When your own mother doesn't have a kind word to say about you
it's hard to stand up in front of a crowd and feel like a million bucks

I simply don't feel confident today
and apparently I'm not a very good actress either

So if that means I won't be the CEO of a big hospital
or even the coordinator of anything, I'm OK with that

I just gotta be me
whatever and however that may be
on any given day

It's all I got

Team Fusion

Fusion: the process or result of joining two or more things together to form a single entity

My very first 5k run
a swim, bike, run
with some very amazing women

I stepped outside my comfort zone
way outside my comfort zone
and I'm proud of myself

I ran it in 39 minutes
my best time ever
my goal was simply to finish

I learned that my personal best
coupled with my team mate's personal bests
makes for a strong, solid finish

I'm wondering if this might hold true
for creating an enduring relationship

With each person working toward
their own personal best
to contribute to the relationship

No one person's identity gets lost
the relationship remains strong
making for a strong, solid foundation

Just some thoughts on Fusion

Fishing Follies

Yes shrimp need water, besides the water they're already in.

Shrimp will "whip" ya, and even make you bleed, remember that the next time you call somebody a shrimp.

If you can see em' they're probably not "no see em's."

Hopping the dog was every bit as effective as walking the dog.

Dog Fish have teeth and apparently hang out in the red light district. (Maybe looking to pick up a Lady Fish)

Never tie the bait bucket around your waist and dance around on the edge of the seawall.

Never grab a lantern by the flame (that would be your brain on drugs, any questions?)

An unproductive night of fishing full of laughter and friends is every bit as rewarding as a stringer full of fish.

The Weather and Forever

Heat

Plans

Unfiltered

Insight

Growth

Trust

Possibilities

Family

Cleanliness

Patience

Princess

Tolerance

Kindness

Fairy Tales

Messy

Structure

Fire Drill

More Heat

Mexico

Vegas

Amazing

Wanting

Finding

Waiting

Barriers

Comfort

Getting It

Future

Working

Sharing

Still More Heat

Communication

Learning

Understanding

Yearning

Merging

Authentic

Peaceful

Strong

So Very Hot

The Risk

I don't pretend to know everything

In fact, some days I feel like I know nothing

But I do know that I am learning to trust

and

I am learning to identify my "stuff"

I want to be loved
but just as important, I want to love

I want to be cared for
but just as important, I want to take care

No, my life hasn't been easy
but neither has yours

Yes, I have hurt and been hurt
but so have you

I'm scared
but is life worth living if you always play it safe

The sea breeze, the sweat, the salt
the heat, the curtains blowing in the wind

The glow of passing headlights on the wall
the clanging sounds of sail boats docked securely in the wind

Exhausted rest after a wonderful day of sun and smiles

Respect, honesty, tenderness, so much said with so few words

That's the stuff that makes life worth

the

risk

Possibility

Embarking on a journey
building trust over dinner and time

The newness glistens with possibility
as clouds of comfort begin to surround us

Time stands still, the world fades away
as we share intimacies reserved only for those most trusted

Fear begins to wane
giving rise to tiny buds of passion

Buds to be cherished and cultivated
in hopes of a blossom most spectacular

Stuff

I am continually learning
living this life God so graciously laid out for me

"Baggage" isn't just a word
that people use to describe the past

It's real, it's powerful stuff
and that powerful stuff has a voice

It's like a prerecorded message that plays in your head
when the person you are calling doesn't pick up the phone

"No one is home right now and even if they were,
why would they want to talk to your insignificant ass?"

Your feelings get hurt, and you even get aggravated with them
when the poor unsuspecting soul was simply vacuuming the carpet

So you get all emotional, listening to these voices
and it creates tension, unrest and maybe even an argument

Over what? Your stuff.

A scenario, in your head
that was created for you, by you,
as a result of your past experiences

It's Just Me

I think I've forgotten how to be in a relationship
I think I've forgotten how to simply be me

I've been lost in grief for so long now
I don't really know how to do anything else

Someone recently said to me
"Life is short and then they throw dirt in your face"

Morbid but true

This space I'm in right now
Just me

Feels like exactly where I need to be

It feels lonely and scary
uncertain and unplanned

But it's exactly what I need

I need to remember what it feels like to be me
to experience life on my own

To find my own way without looking back
for the security or approval of another

I've never, ever been good at being alone

I feel like if I'm going to learn anything or
grow at all from this divorce and subsequent move

I need to learn how to be alone

Not alone without friends, people I care about
and people that I know care about me

But alone with myself, in charge of myself
and my own happiness

Just like financial security and independence
I need to know that I have personal independence as well

If the bottom falls out of a relationship in the future
and I find myself alone

I need to know that I can pick up the pieces
and move forward

Without having to run into the arms of the next
person that walks into my life

Am I attracted to someone? No

If she called tomorrow would I go back? No

It's just me right now
I'm having a relationship with myself

I'm learning how to make new friends

Forcing myself to be in uncomfortable situations

Learning how to adapt and not be so regimented with my thoughts and feelings

I have realized what someone has been trying to tell me
for quite some time now

I have closed myself off
very tightly and securely
from everything and everyone

I need to sort out why

To be the best I can be for me
and hopefully, eventually in a relationship again

But for right now, it's just me

My Best Girl

Unsteady

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on such uncertain ground
at any moment the earth under my feet will crumble and turn to rubble

Sending me tumbling and sliding down a steep cliff
bumping rocks and limbs as I fall

Everything is so uncertain and volatile
like an unstable volcano or walking on a land mine

Just as I pick up speed and feel like I'm making forward progress
either the ground breaks or an explosion sends me airborne

I need calm, quiet, stable ground
I crave to know that my next step will support me

My body pulses with tension awaiting the next
meltdown, freak out, pseudo catastrophe, or confrontation

Never knowing from which direction it will come
I stand on high alert, afraid to let my guard down for a second

"I'm sorry" doesn't seem to assuage the affect
Although most of the time there is no "I'm sorry" anyway

This teetering piece of earth on which I currently reside
is no less appealing than any other direction in which I may turn

Now you see me

Now you don't

Random Pics

Sadness

washes over me
for days on end

it feels like I'm wearing
a heavy jacket filled with lead

it weighs me down
makes it such an effort to move

to walk, to talk, to feel
to blink, to think

it hurts as bad as a toothache
relentless and throbbing

it washes the color out of life
no reds, yellows, pinks or blues

just shades and shards of gray
faded, heavy and dull

a breath of air feels stale and thick
my eyes struggle against the weight of gravity

I can't will it away
no matter how hard I try

I count my blessings
again, and again

when it settles in
it just won't go

until it's ready

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”

~C.S. Lewis

2010

So thankful for a new year
and the passage of time that it brings

Not to wish my life away
but to heal and reflect and grow

Reflections of happy times
and happier times yet to be

Still hesitant to love
in an effort to understand myself more first

Anticipating independence
although now I realize that one can be independent but not alone

A product of "black and white thinking"
I still struggle with these concepts

I no longer feel angry or afraid but excited
about the possibilities laid out before me

A home of my own, wherever that may be
but never far from my babes

I have spent much time overwhelmed while raising them
but they have turned out so wonderfully despite that

They are the one love that I truly understand
they are part of me, the one being I struggle so to know

I let them be who they are, loving and free to experience and be
I wonder why can't I hold the same truths for myself

Wisdom

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters,
Who never did,
Who doesn't anymore,
Who always will.

Don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it into your future.

Too High A Price

Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart.

-Lois McMaster Bujold

Embracing Change on Thanksgiving

On this Thanksgiving day
I would like to remind myself

To embrace all of the people
and all of the circumstances past and present

That have helped to shape my life
into what it is today

Albeit unfinished - a work in progress
I am the epitome of good intention and love

My life has been full of ups and downs
but key to remember is it has been very full

While it is very different now
and will be very different years from now

I am and forever will be
thankful for all of the wonderful blessings

That God has bestowed upon me

Creative Writing

Growing restless, the skeletons in her closet paired hockey jerseys with bowling shoes and paraded through her flower beds.

The waves, white with fury, raced to the seawall each leap frogging the next as if the winner would be crowned price of the tide.

Quite Simply, Someone

Someone who ignores me
when they know I am wrought with guilt and sorrow

Someone who would rather prove a point
than to show compassion to one they supposedly loved

Someone who tells me that I can't be alone
then frantically searches for someone to move in with

Someone who robotically does things for others
for the sake of appearing saintly

Someone who repossess my computer
because I am struggling to pay the bill

Someone who can't muster up a kind word to say
when I am crying on the other end of the phone

Someone who holds a grudge
refusing to see that people are human

Someone who never knew me at all

Someone who told me what I wanted to hear

Someone controlling and manipulative

Someone who will probably never have regrets
because they don't care enough to

Someone who needs their life to look a certain way
and quite simply liked the way it looked with me in it

Someone who I was destined to walk away from

A wolf in sheep's clothing
slowly becoming just a bad memory

22 years

I was married 22 years ago today
I don't even know what marriage is

What it means to be married
what if feels like to be married

Interesting really
but more sad than anything else

I was so young when I got married
I remember thinking how cool it would be

Kind of like having a friend sleep over every night
sounds immature, but that is really what I thought

That's because I was immature
just a little girl actually

I do feel proud in some respects though
because each and every thing that I have leaned about life

I have had to teach myself

I didn't have a lot of life experience
and in a lot of respects I still don't

I'm still the scared girl who was too frightened
to tell her parents that she had changed her mind

That she didn't want to marry this man after all
because they had already spent so much money on the wedding

Little did I know they would have been more than happy
to call it all off and keep me at home for another few years

I am so thankful for my two boys,
extensions of my heart and soul

I wouldn't trade them for the world

I can only hope that they are braver than I
and make better choices than I did

Fear has dictated so much of my life
I don't even really know where to go from here

I have pushed people away that loved me
I have lost opportunities all because I was scared

Scared to walk away from what I have known for 22 years
even though it wasn't happiness

There have been many people down there
holding nets, promising to catch me when I fall

I just couldn't trust them
I was paralyzed by my fear

Honestly, I don't know who I am anymore
don't know where I belong

I feel like I've been renting all these years
too afraid to buy

I'm reaching the end now
the end of my excuses, deadlines, and reasons to stay

I've been emotionally gone for so long now
I don't know if I have anything left to invest

I'm sad, 22 years is so long
but I have been here for my boys

Watching them grow from boys into young men
I'm so very proud of them

I'm proud of my accomplishments too
I have my degree, my license, another degree in the works

I'm just tired now,
the thought of building a new life exhausts me

I will go though

I will go

Something Good

Dinner with a new friend
in a Soho cafe

Rain drops beating on the window
as I realize yet again, I am human

Talk about work
talk about life

Perfect families a facade
we're all just doing the best we can

I thought something good might happen today
and it did

Middle Age - Not For Sissies

I have never done, said
so many things that I regret

Raging anger swells inside me
that is very difficult to harness

Always good at controlling myself
now I fight the grinding halt of the brakes

Little patience for people, circumstance
when I myself am prone to the same behaviors

Every day a different mood
the one constant is fatigue

My feelings, thoughts escape my mouth
before I have had time to edit them

Leaving me back peddling
for damage control

Feeling afraid, insecure, confused
is so unbecoming

I'm sure it's not always as bad as this
but I feel middle age creeping up on me

I hope it doesn't get any worse
maybe the Salsa dance lessons will help

Quote

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post."

~L. Thomas Holdcroft

Love Does Die

I recently looked at a photograph of an old lover
something that, until recently, was very difficult.

Simply looking at a picture would dredge up painful emotion,
a response, I was certain, would never, ever go away.

I thought I would never be free from what felt like a paralyzing hold.

As I sat and looked at the photo, I was relieved to find
that I don't even know that person anymore.

I saw a person that I used to know, used to respect, used to love.
Now, not the slightest feeling of love - present or future.

I felt empowered, thankful and sad all at the same time.

Empowered because I have finally let go and moved on.

Thankful because God heard and answered my prayers.

Sad because I realized at that moment - love does die.

Creative Writing Assignment Two - Intro Redux

For my entire adult life people have been telling me that I take myself too seriously. My response always started with a giggle and then I would insist, “I do not!” I’m actually one of the silliest people I know. However, as I sat down to write my introduction, I realize that I get very serious when I am charged with the task of telling my own story or introducing myself. So, to all of my friends who have told me over the years that I take myself too seriously, you were right, I do. But now, on a serious note, just not too serious, I will introduce myself to you. My name is Kimberly Roderick and I was born and raised in Tampa, Florida. I just celebrated my 42nd birthday in May. Looking back over my life I have realized that not only do I take myself too seriously, apparently I’m not a big fan of change and there is some odd recurrence of the number four in my past. I have lived at only four residences during my entire life, I have had a total of four serious relationships, and I have worked at four long term jobs. Wow, that’s weird. I have two wonderful teenage boys named Joseph and Scott who keep my life very interesting and also keep me from making a fool of myself by insisting that I do not dance or sing, period. I went back school at 29 to obtain my Associates in Science degree and I have worked as a Physical Therapist Assistant for the past ten years. I am currently seeking my Bachelors degree in Health Services Administration. I enjoy long walks on the beach, reading, writing, word games, music, fishing, computers and anything that provides my mind with a challenge. Until I started this class, I was in a bit of a mid-life funk and was having a hard time setting new goals for myself. Obviously getting my Bachelors Degree is one of my goals, but I have also decided that I would like to get published on a small scale and then possibly go on to write a novel. I’m not getting older, I’m getting better.

Creative Writing Assignment One - Journal 1

She grasped the stopwatch so hard that her knuckles were white and tingling as she stood in front of “The Venue.” This used to be her favorite place to relax, party, and just hang out with the people she once considered her friends. “Tonight won’t be relaxing or festive, but hopefully it will be therapeutic,” she thought to herself as she pressed the start button on her stopwatch with one hand and slowly opened the door to “The Venue” with the other. Standing tentatively inside the entrance her eyes began to adjust to the light as she struggled to maintain her composure. Finally looking up, her steel blue eyes scanned the room discreetly but frantically in search of every exit sign.  Intent on ordering a drink, she set out on the seemingly mile long trek across the room. Her posture, a picture of perfection, as her Stilettos carried her across the room with the purposeful stride of a confident woman, the result of her many years walking down catwalks and runways.  Heads turned in rapid succession, indulging in her exquisiteness as she passed. The season’s top fashion adorned her 6’2 frame, cascading strawberry blonde locks bounced perfectly in time over her slender shoulders with every stride. It was this attention that used to fuel her, adoration that she craved, now it served only as a source of terror and dread.  She could hear her rapid heartbeat pounding as loud as a kettle drum in her ears and she felt as though her eyes were pulsing with each beat. Her perfectly manicured hands fumbled awkwardly through her purse, in search of her wallet.  She wasn't accustomed to paying for her own drinks but she didn't have the stomach to sit and make eye contact with anyone, not here, not anywhere, since July 15, 1994 at 3:53 pm. She longed for the familiar warmth and sea of smiles at “Tappers,” her favorite watering hole back home, in Oklahoma, but that was thousands of miles from here. Her only comfort tonight was the stop watch ticking away the seconds in her pocket.  Her counselor said thirty minutes in a crowded, public place.  She could do this, she could do anything, for thirty minutes.

Time

brings things into focus

truly does heal all

allows you to forget

helps you to remember

urges you to explore the options

nudges you into new opportunities

is fertilizer for growth

smooths out the rough edges

polishes the stone

turns pain into prosperity

weathers woes

forces change

is perpetual motion

is illusive

is uncertain

is fixed, measured, and definitive

is later, yesterday, and today

is ticking, up, and now

is time

Another Wonderful Quote

Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

~Mark Twain

A Wonderful Quote

What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.

~Albert Pine

Grasshoppers, Crickets, and Katydids, Oh My!!!

Such a wonderful trip!! The IP truly was a Palace fit for two Queens!!!







What a better way to start the trip than to see Melissa and her larger than life presence. It was an awesome show me and my two favorite girls!!



I am counting the days until we go back to New Orleans!!! What an incredible place, so rich with history and amazing food. I think the next time I go back to Bourbon Street I'll need to have a few Bourbon's first (maybe that's why they call it that). Can you say OVER STIMULATING!!! Amazing music though!!! From Aretha Franklin style bar singers to men playing 5 gallon bait buckets on the sidewalk, it's rocking!! I can see why you find it so intriguing Jac!!









The food was FABULOUS!!! We had Seafood Gumbo, Crawfish Etouffee, and Fried Oysters mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!





In New Orleans they put some SERIOUS seafood in their Gumbo!!



No trip to the Big Easy would be complete without Beignets and Cafe' Au Lait at Cafe Du Monde.

Someone to Find Me

Have you ever lost someone
in a big department store or theme park

You venture out and look around occasionally
but you always keep coming back to the last place you saw them
in hopes that the person will return and find you waiting there

Paralyzed by the thought of moving too far away from that place
fearful of never being found as you wait

I lost someone, over a year ago
and I have been returning to the same figurative place
over and over, just in case they wanted to come back and find me

I've been afraid to move too far away from this place
afraid to live, afraid to love or to let myself experience love

Terrified to do anything, say anything, be anything
that may make me different somehow
so they may not be able to, or even want to find me again

I have realized now, that in this process of waiting
and returning to this place time and time again
I have come to depend on myself for solace

I have faced my emotions and fears head on
I am stronger, whole and capable of wandering away from this place

As I walk away, and turn to look back one last time
I realize that the person who most needed to find me

Was
Me

Already Gone

Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky
You can see the stars and still not see the light

~Eagles

In God's Pocket

Again, I pick myself up and dust myself off

Each time seems to be more difficult than the last
the cuts get deeper, the scars more visible, wounds slower to heal

This WILL be the last time, I will NOT have to pick myself up again
because of this, because of her, because it never really mattered anyway

Protecting myself, my health, my emotional well being
must be my number one priority

No more trying to convey my sorrow
no more letting it eat me up, from the inside out

I will take my bag packed full of lessons
and move forward now, looking back only when it's safe again

I don't know when that will be, if ever
but for now, I need only look forward anyway

I am stronger, less self absorbed, but more self caring
it's my truest self that I must long for, no one else

Someone so very dear to my heart and soul
recently gave me a book of Answered Prayers

"Allow me to risk while I protect your heart. I am large enough for you to be small. Picture this. There is a pocket above my heart. It is there that I carry you. You are safe."

I love this quote, I can picture myself there, in God's pocket
such a wonderfully comforting image.

My Best Girl

One Of These Days

I'm going to sit down and write and write and just let everything flow out of me like water pushing against a dam that has just been broken.

Right now I simply have to hold it all back. I don't know why but it just wouldn't flow even if the dam were to break.

It simply will not come. It will not flow, it just trickles.

I do believe that my inner passion manifests itself in two forms, love and writing. I am truly having difficulty giving freely of either right now and I wish I knew why.

My guess is that I have injured myself and it will just take some time for the healing process to complete itself.

For now, I find comfort in reading the words of others. I read and read, soaking up quotes and books. I enjoy spending time alone more than I ever used to. Maybe this is just a solstice in preparation for a really big creative purge.

A glorious time when I can embrace life, write and passionately love myself, so as to authentically give these gifts to another.

Thought Provoking

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was, at its best, than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

~Margaret Mitchell

God I Wish I Could Dance

What a wonderful gift
to be able to express
passion in such a beautiful
art form

I feel that passion
stirring inside my soul

To live a life
without being able
to express that passion

Is living absolutely
no life at all

Looking forward to,
"So You Think You Can Write"

Wreck of the Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

The Long Way Around

Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Takin' the long way around

~The Dixie Chicks

The Best Birthday Ever

His Navy Dog Tag to keep forever
Him to squeeze on number 42
My PaPa

A World Inside A World

Many times each day, I step out of my world
and cross the threshold into the world of another

Someone who's world has been displaced for a time
by a planned surgery, a serious accident, or a crippling illness

I become part of their world by default, a lotto of sorts
I may see them once or twice and then never see them again

But each and every time I turn to recross that threshold
my hope is that I have left their world just a little brighter
than it was before I walked in

Amen

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

~Harvey Mackay

Got U-Haul?

Conscience

The human voice can never reach the distance
that is covered by the still, small voice of conscience
~Mahatma Gandhi

Red 2 Go!!

No More I'm Sorry's

No more I'm Sorry's
The language is leaving me

My Heart

Blowing gently back and forth with the wind
exposed to the elements for long enough now
I have taken it down off the line

I have pressed it, fluffed it up
and put it right back where it belongs
in the care of only those who take great care with it

Fresh and sun drenched
mended and renewed
it's whole again, ready to love and be loved

My Heart

The Light At Each End of the Tunnel

I finally feel like I am far enough through the tunnel
that the haunting light behind me is disappearing
and the brilliant light in front of me has come into focus

Random

activities

change

inner comfort

anger

time

quiet

sustaining

children

growing

learning

trying

safe

family

truth

responsibility

acceptance

forgiveness

courage

embracing

manipulation

importance

love

ideals

self image

perfection

health

knowledge

wisdom

patience

trust

God

Angelkisses

I do still love you!!! I'll be in touch soon!

Happy 84th Birthday PaPa!!