I think I've forgotten how to be in a relationship
I think I've forgotten how to simply be me
I've been lost in grief for so long now
I don't really know how to do anything else
Someone recently said to me
"Life is short and then they throw dirt in your face"
Morbid but true
This space I'm in right now
Just me
Feels like exactly where I need to be
It feels lonely and scary
uncertain and unplanned
But it's exactly what I need
I need to remember what it feels like to be me
to experience life on my own
To find my own way without looking back
for the security or approval of another
I've never, ever been good at being alone
I feel like if I'm going to learn anything or
grow at all from this divorce and subsequent move
I need to learn how to be alone
Not alone without friends, people I care about
and people that I know care about me
But alone with myself, in charge of myself
and my own happiness
Just like financial security and independence
I need to know that I have personal independence as well
If the bottom falls out of a relationship in the future
and I find myself alone
I need to know that I can pick up the pieces
and move forward
Without having to run into the arms of the next
person that walks into my life
Am I attracted to someone? No
If she called tomorrow would I go back? No
It's just me right now
I'm having a relationship with myself
I'm learning how to make new friends
Forcing myself to be in uncomfortable situations
Learning how to adapt and not be so regimented with my thoughts and feelings
I have realized what someone has been trying to tell me
for quite some time now
I have closed myself off
very tightly and securely
from everything and everyone
I need to sort out why
To be the best I can be for me
and hopefully, eventually in a relationship again
But for right now, it's just me
