Here I Am

Running, all day running
trying to out run my feelings

Searching, all day searching
for something else to occupy my mind

Resting, all day resting
from the exhaustion of so much emotion in such a short time

Writing, all day writing
hoping that you might read me

Longing, all day longing
for something to make this feel right

My Little Fire

For quite some time now
I've had this fire

The most subtle little fire
with a steady ember

Warming my soul

Through all the chaos
and all the pain

This little fire
never lost it's strength

Although not always familiar
it was ever constant

Day or Night
Alone or with another

I felt a warmth
in a place I never knew existed

A place that I had only begun
to explore

Now

For a time the light
from this fire must be dimmed

Shadowing once again
this newly awakened place in my soul

Casting a chill
over it's very existence

Although I understand
and know what must be done

It doesn't ease
the sudden surge of cold

or

The intense fear
that I may never know that warmth again

Never allowing me to return
to that place in my soul

That I wanted so badly
to explore

I am trying to have faith
to be patient

For I have to know
that this fire, this warmth

Burns for me, purely, honestly
so not to cast a daily shadow on another

Happiness.....

I don't want to be responsible for that of another

I simply want to revel in it

I Feel....

breathless, like someone punched me hard in the chest

contempt, for the victory of controlling people

pain, as I have never felt before

fatigue, as I have been treading trodden trails for a long, long time

sadness, just so much sadness

anger, at manipulation and control

fear, of never being seen again

thankful, for the time we shared

It just hurts really bad.

Independence by Definition

The fact or state of being independent.

self-government,
self-rule,
home rule,
separation,
self-determination,
sovereignty,
autonomy,
freedom,
liberty,
comfort,
ease.

Control by Definition

The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.

be in charge of
run,
manage,
direct,
administer,
head,
preside over,
supervise,
superintend,
steer,
command,
rule,
govern,
lead,
dominate,
hold sway over,
be at the helm; informal head up,
be in the driver's seat,
run the show,
restrain,
keep in check,
curb,
check,
contain,
hold back,
bridle,
rein in,
suppress,
repress,
master.

Perceptions of a Perceptive Soul

"Your personal intensity that houses both a shy
insecurity with a powerful knowledge of yourself
that you struggle to accept and reject at the
same time"

~Thank you

This Invisible Scarlet Letter

Especially tricky
for I don't know who can see it

When I approach a seemingly kind face
all I can do is wonder

Difficult to focus on a conversation
seeking out the loyal

Their numbers decreasing
with each passing day

It's like searching
for a place to hide

In a stark white
empty room

Every place
a backdrop

For this
blood red letter

Assigned to me
by those so fortunate
to be free of fault

Living in Parallels

Witnessing the struggle
to end a sacred bond

A holding place of commitment
that no longer embraces comfort

Pondering the consequences
of withering a soul

I was there
though in my youth

and

Today

Although the view
from a new vantage point

No less painful
from a different angle

Then intersecting
Now Parallel

She waited
more patiently at first

The loving soul
who came for me

Quietly sitting
until I could, would
come to her

Share myself
with her

Give to her
my most elusive gift

Time
precious and unreserved

Just Time

A witness
to the pain in her eyes

When the hand that constantly swept
over our time together

Came to rest
on the limitations of the day

She learned to read
my body language

Anticipating when it
was time for me to go

Her body would tense
in preparation for the blow

For today
I am the waiting

The one craving
time

The one who tenses
when the conversation
approaches an end

Begging that sweeping hand to stop
if only for a day

So much more painful
my own pain

Coupled with the pain
of knowing all to well
how she must have felt

Still intersecting
Now parallel

Celebrating Us

We did have so many
wonderful times together

Never in my life
have I experienced
so much with one person

I want to thank you
for helping me grow

For showing me a light
that I never knew existed

For helping me find a path
to believe in myself

I know that you are hurting now
and for that my heart aches

Please know that I am truly
grateful for everything
that you have given me

And that it was never
my intention to hurt you

I'm sure that you can't
see past any of this right now

But I truly feel that you and I
will have a life long bond

I want to be here for you
when you are ready to let me

My dream is to laugh with you again someday
to celebrate us

Comforting Words From My Father

Sobbing "Trust me dad, this isn't anything that you want to be involved in."

"Anything that affects you is something that I want to be involved in."

Thank you dad,
tonight I very
much needed
those words.

Tonight I very much needed support
and you were there for me,
thank you.

Cyclone of Diligence

You keep saying
we were never a couple

I always saw us as a couple
everyone else did too

Where we reside doesn't
make or not make us a couple

It simply puts me
where you want me

Couples disagree, we disagreed
Couples laugh, we laughed

But somewhere along the way
the laughing stopped

Our love ceased to be carefree
ceased to be simple and easy

There is no blame to lay
it simply changed

Perhaps each of us with different needs

Mine to be stress free and unencumbered
Yours to be solid and fixed

I understand your need for stability
your need for a commitment

I made a commitment
and a lot of promises

All of which I meant
and intended to keep

I tried hard to endear myself to your family
to be all the things that my predecessor was not

They extended themselves to me
and I, myself to them

But somehow it just never seemed enough
I felt the weight of expectation

At times the frustration of fading obscurely into the background
as you dutifully almost obsessively tended to their needs

Tending to everyones needs
at the expense of your own

Generous to a fault
if you can ever fault a person for being generous

However, it can't be healthy to always put
another's needs above your own

Your mother's, your lover's,
your co-worker's, your friend's,
your sibling's, your father's,
your stepmother's and on and on

You cease to exist if you fulfill
everyone else's needs before your own

It takes all of your energy
to be absolutely diligent
in every aspect of your life

Perhaps I feared being
drawn into that cyclone of diligence

Where everything and everyone
is tended to impeccably

I'm still trying to learn
how to tend to myself

It's Only Shock

It's not numbness

Thank you God, it's not numbness

So many

Very bizarre

Things

Have occurred

Over the past week

Out of the blue

Without warning

I'm in shock

It's only shock

Being called a white trash whore
in the parking lot of Starbucks.....Shocking

Being called on the carpet at my job
about my role in a lesbian scandal.....Shocking

Being called to appear
on the Jerry Springer Show.....Eminent

But at least I'm not numb

Numb

If I had to sum this day up in a sentence
it would be "stop this ride, I want to get off"

I think I may have felt like this one other time in my life
when I went on the tea cup ride with my best friend
and we spun and spun and spun until we finally
puked up popcorn and blue cotton candy

It took a few hours for the world to stop spinning
before we felt like eating carnival food again

Somehow I think this round of spinning
might take a little bit longer to shake off

On the bright side, I won't be puking popcorn and blue cotton candy
But on the other hand, I'm an adult now and should have a lot better sense

The stakes are higher the consequences much more severe
What started out so innocently has grown to such epidemic proportions
I can't see over it, around it or under it

Worse, I can't understand it

I don't have any real answer to give anyone accept "I don't know"

I feel like my whole life I have been longing, very simply, to be loved

I have now hurt the one person in my life, by whom I have truly felt loved
quite possibly beyond repair

I have longed to be happy at my job for the past eight years
and for the past three months I have found that happiness

I have now put that job in jeopardy, something I have never, ever done before

I have never been a risk taker, I have always avoided conflict, always chosen the
path of least resistance

In the past three weeks I have assessed more risk, encountered more conflict and
traveled on a path that even the craziest of thrill seekers couldn't stomach

WOW.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I spending too much time behind four walls

or

Maybe I need to spend some time behind padded walls

I feel scared
I feel sad
I feel guilt, a lot of guilt
I feel insecure
in the spotlight
under the gun
embarrassed
humiliated
out of control
exhausted

but the feeling that scares me the most

NUMB

Only Human

I

am

however

only

human.


Pseudo

catholic

school

girl

guilt

ridden

human.


But

human

none the less.

Railroad Wings

And as far as I can tell,
most everything
means nothing
Except some things
that mean everything

~Patty Griffin

Painful Truth

standing in truth
once a dream

now a reality
knee deep

forced truth
but none the less

truth

casualties many
honor a memory

respect eludes me
self respect

as I walk through
this mine field of broken souls

I am flooded
with emotion, with disbelief

how can one peace seeking soul
inflict this much pain
on so many

one who quests for safety
who craves companionship

be this vulnerable
be this alone

no comforting smiles
no happy ever after

just me
for whom I've lost respect

standing knee deep
in truth

painful truth

alone....

Nothing But

a
fucking
fool

Help!

I prayed this morning
asked for guidance

Guidance in these
issues I ponder

In the past
I have found

That I often inadvertently
ignore guidance

Maybe not knowing
if it's just an obstacle

or

The true guidance
of my God

I suppose that doesn't say
much about my faith

About my character

I wonder sometimes
if my attempt
to not hurt anyone
is actually hurting everyone

Here I sit, it a position
to hurt so many people
and I can't see the guidance

I can't hear the word of God
I need help here

Can somebody please help?