The time has come
that I must learn
to find my own consolation
In times of discord and uncertainty
the very best I can do
is search within myself for comfort
Acquaintances are quick to offer
judgment and pseudo concern
only to increase the turmoil within
Friends and loved ones lend an ear
genuinely concerned for my well being
but don't truly get to see the picture
The view from where I'm standing
snug inside my own skin
peering out from behind my own eyes
Writhing in my own pain
basking in my own glory
the star of my very own show
I choose.....
When to change the channel
when to turn it off completely
and who gets to attend
I choose.....
How people get to treat me
who I can trust
and where I go from here
I choose.....
To live in Peace
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Free Fall
Suspended high above the ground below
I am slowly losing my grip
My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets
My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do
My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like
Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided
I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet
I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue
Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge
I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can
Why can't I just let go?
It's gone, over, done
the PAST
It really is time to just let.......
Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?
Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear
What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?
Who will take care of me?
I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns
My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms
At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE
I am slowly losing my grip
My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets
My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do
My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like
Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided
I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet
I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue
Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge
I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can
Why can't I just let go?
It's gone, over, done
the PAST
It really is time to just let.......
Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?
Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear
What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?
Who will take care of me?
I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns
My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms
At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
My Greatest Needs
At a time in my life
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told
"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"
So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care
With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul
Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"
I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them
When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills
Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7
The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children
These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship
For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness
As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same
Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success
The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle
"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.
I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."
God has not failed me
I have not failed myself
It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot
Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal
But in my heart, I know.......
While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way
And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met
My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved
and
The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......
They will do the same for me
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told
"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"
So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care
With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul
Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"
I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them
When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills
Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7
The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children
These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship
For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness
As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same
Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success
The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle
"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.
I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."
God has not failed me
I have not failed myself
It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot
Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal
But in my heart, I know.......
While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way
And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met
My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved
and
The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......
They will do the same for me
Monday, October 27, 2008
Today I Choose.....
To concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past
To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same
To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me
To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend
To be thankful for my family
To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"
To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it
To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for
To believe that anything is possible
To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers
To laugh more
To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while
To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it
To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not
To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too
To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions
To reach out and touch someone with kindness
To not try and fix everything
To listen more
To love myself
To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same
To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me
To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend
To be thankful for my family
To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"
To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it
To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for
To believe that anything is possible
To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers
To laugh more
To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while
To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it
To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not
To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too
To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions
To reach out and touch someone with kindness
To not try and fix everything
To listen more
To love myself
Every Shade of Color in Between
Each morning when I hear my alarm
and open my eyes to focus on the day
I know that I have been blessed
Blessed with another opportunity
to soak in the lessons to be learned
from the vastness of living
Another chance to succeed
another chance to fail
but most importantly another chance to try
Sometimes the choices we make
work out beautifully
like a well executed plan
Giving the appearance
that we have mastered this life
and achieved success
Promoting confidence, pride
and a sense of well being
resulting in great happiness
Other times our choices
send life spinning out of control
with not a patch of solid ground in sight
Often inflicting great pain
upon ourselves and others
in the wake of the consequences
This renders us helpless and frail
leaving us to question
our motives, morals, and intellect
If we are lucky enough to survive
from these life altering choices
a gift of great knowledge abounds
For it is these experiences,
both joyful and painfully gut wrenching
that teach us what works, what doesn't
and......
Every shade of color in between
Monday, October 20, 2008
When Sorry Is Not Enough
Throughout my life
sorry has always been enough
It is such a powerful word
when it's said with sincerity
I realize now, however,
that sorry isn't always enough
When you pull the rug
out from under the feet of another
Trample on a heart
as if it were a door mat
Treat a fragile soul
with reckless carelessness
"I'm Sorry" seems almost insulting
"Time heals all things"
I have heard that saying so many times
Never once did I take a moment
to ponder what that might imply
"Actions speak louder than words"
another redundant phrase never pondered
In a situation such as this I am finding
that I must first forgive myself
I then must adjust my actions
to reflect my sorrow and pray
That time really does heal things
when sorry is not enough
sorry has always been enough
It is such a powerful word
when it's said with sincerity
I realize now, however,
that sorry isn't always enough
When you pull the rug
out from under the feet of another
Trample on a heart
as if it were a door mat
Treat a fragile soul
with reckless carelessness
"I'm Sorry" seems almost insulting
"Time heals all things"
I have heard that saying so many times
Never once did I take a moment
to ponder what that might imply
"Actions speak louder than words"
another redundant phrase never pondered
In a situation such as this I am finding
that I must first forgive myself
I then must adjust my actions
to reflect my sorrow and pray
That time really does heal things
when sorry is not enough
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Friday, October 03, 2008
My Sea
Swells of emotion of every sort
surging like waves methodically crashing
on the white sandy beaches that line my soul
Just as I get my footing, begin to stand
another wave breaks at my feet
toppling me, again
Into the sea, my sea
A sea, at times so peaceful
it appears to be an unending sheet
of the most beautiful Satin
A sea, at times so turbulent,
it takes every bit of strength
just to keep my balance
The vastness of the spectrum is exhausting
it takes my breath, renders me delicate
yet empowered
For I am at the helm of this vessel,
chosen to navigate these waters
by an all knowing spirit
One who would never trust
a vessel such as this
to the weak or feeble
I CAN do this!
surging like waves methodically crashing
on the white sandy beaches that line my soul
Just as I get my footing, begin to stand
another wave breaks at my feet
toppling me, again
Into the sea, my sea
A sea, at times so peaceful
it appears to be an unending sheet
of the most beautiful Satin
A sea, at times so turbulent,
it takes every bit of strength
just to keep my balance
The vastness of the spectrum is exhausting
it takes my breath, renders me delicate
yet empowered
For I am at the helm of this vessel,
chosen to navigate these waters
by an all knowing spirit
One who would never trust
a vessel such as this
to the weak or feeble
I CAN do this!
A Gift in the Truest Sense
Every now and again in this life
we are fortunate enough to run into people
who just get it
They inherently know when we just need
an extra bit of understanding
a smile, a nod, a kind word, a soft hand
Even when they don't truly understand
just the fact that they act like they do
is so very comforting
Most often we don't have any idea
what another soul is experiencing
actually it's not our job to know
But the truest gifts are bestowed
by those who don't question
but simply realize
That the most sincere understanding
is acknowledging, without judging
what is not understood at all
we are fortunate enough to run into people
who just get it
They inherently know when we just need
an extra bit of understanding
a smile, a nod, a kind word, a soft hand
Even when they don't truly understand
just the fact that they act like they do
is so very comforting
Most often we don't have any idea
what another soul is experiencing
actually it's not our job to know
But the truest gifts are bestowed
by those who don't question
but simply realize
That the most sincere understanding
is acknowledging, without judging
what is not understood at all
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)