An 8 Year Mistake

Hey....Hey you out there!!! What do you want me to write about?

This blog has been a source of therapy for me, an outlet of sorts. I have a very, very dysfunctional family. I am estranged from my mother and my sister as they are toxic and have caused me nothing but grief. Their side of the story will be quite different from mine but let us just suffice it to say they are toxic. Nuclear waste toxic.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that I know a good majority of the population comes from dysfunctional families and I wanted to reach out to anyone who felt that they wanted to comment. To say whatever you feel like saying. I have had people tell me that they can't believe I don't speak to "my own mother." It makes me question myself for sure, however, looking back on so many years of building up hope only to be let down time and time again, renders me exhausted. It got to the point that it was like a familiar dance that I was ultimately able to predict how and when the dance would end almost every time.

Toxic people can and often times are our own family members. We continue to "tolerate" behavior from them that we simply would not tolerate from a friend or acquaintance. The phrase "Honor thy mother," haunts me but I can honestly say that I have tried. Not just once, many, many times. My interest is how to get rid of the negative affects that the breakdown of this key relationship leave behind. The decreased confidence, difficulty building relationships and trusting people. I mean "if you can't trust your own mother, who can you trust?" That thought has crossed my mind a million times. According to the self help books I have read that is about a million times too many, as controlling your thoughts and inner voice are key to a peaceful mind. Ahhhhh, a peaceful mind. That sounds like heaven. Maybe we can focus on that here. Unburdening our minds of all of the negative emotions associated with family strife or any other unpleasantness to create a quite, peaceful mind. What do you think? Really, I want to know what you think.

Born Guilty to You

Born to someone who is addicted to attention
negative or positive "it's all about You"

Look at this beautiful baby you brought into the world
"you did so good, you are going to be such a good mother"

She looks so cute when you
put that bow in her hair
You always dress her in the cutest baby clothes

She looks like a little doll, you keep her so beautifully
I bet she'll grow up to be just like you

Well she didn't, she is independent not co-dependent
She is smart, so smart, not ignorant

She was born with a large capacity for love
She couldn't walk away from her father
when he no longer served you

She has a beautiful soul
gave birth to two beautiful souls
that you had nothing to do with

She works hard for a living
nothing special, just got her degree
and made a career for herself, unlike you

You gave birth to a evil soul
who caused so much grief and upheaval

You talked and talked and talked
told anyone who would listen
you poor soul how do you handle it

That evil soul got you so much more attention
than the beautiful one just trying to understand
life, trying to do everything right in your eyes

Your eyes that didn't even see her because
she didn't draw attention to herself or most importantly
YOU

I hate you

A Life Worth Living

I haven't dated much
but what I do remember about dating

Is that there was passion
and you couldn't get enough of each other

Maybe that is why I am 45 and still searching

A couple of my recent relationships
were what I considered strange

I didn't know how to interpret them
it was almost as if they were speaking a foreign language

I have responsibilities, I have to take care of my mother
I have to take care of my animals.

I get that, I'm not asking for these things to be left for dead
since you are dating me

I think I once had the impression that I was all that
Now it would seem that I couldn't attract the biggest loser on the planet
(and I don't mean from the t.v. show)

I am just not used to dating someone and being the last thing on their list
a responsibility, a liability, an imposition

This is the second time that this has happened
in the past couple of years

It's starting to feel like the norm
rather than the exception

I know that people have been hurt

I have hurt people
and been hurt 10 fold for that already

It would seem that Karma is not a bitch
she is just very, very persistent

I used to think I could be worth something to someone
now I'm not so sure.....

The thought of being alone for the rest of my life
is not a good one

In fact it almost negates the purpose of living at all

My heart is heavy, my soul weighed down with sadness

So heavy in fact that it makes it hard for me to breathe

The War

She was dying, my whole life
but truly dying for only two weeks

I laid down my armor
I opened the gate to my emotional wall
I let everyone in, especially her, the princess

So child like with hardly a voice
she spoke to me as if I were a wizard

As if I, single handedly could fix
any problem that would arise in her tiny world
on yardarm drive

Most of the time I could
during those two weeks anyway

I made peace with myself and with her
I feel certain that she knew
despite the scars of the past that I loved her

The barbed wire fences were mended
no more stones left to cast
the war was over

She was gone
January 11th, 2013

The image haunts me
the coroner covering her face with a sheet
life is so short

It was quiet, so quiet and still
an emptiness in the pit of my soul

I hadn't wanted the fighting
I protested the war

It happened anyway
though no fault of my own
or hers really

She was a mere soldier
following commands
carrying out orders

Allegiance pledged to the one she had chosen

The casualty was me
cut to the bone time and time again
by words so razor sharp
I was gutted and never even felt the blade

I would retreat for a time
to rest, to heal
but I always came back because I loved her

The casualty was her
robbed of the chance to
know me, to know my boys
to truly experience
the love that she so desperately craved


Now she's gone
damn the war

Reality (Response Requested)

When I look at a globe
I am awestruck by the
vastness of the world

By the millions and millions
of people who are living
their lives based on
circumstances they were
born into

Their reality....

From the child born in
the best hospital with
an oral fixation on
a silver spoon

To the child that is born
in a field, delivered by his
own mother, who will know
nothing more than poverty,
hunger, and human suffering

That child may witness
death on a daily basis
leaving him with little
regard for human life

That child may grow up
to believe that there
is justification in killing
his neighbor

If it is a means to
his next meal

Each and every one of us
believe that our reality
is the only reality

In actuality each of us
lives inside our own globe

Our own sphere that holds
together the beliefs and
experiences that have
created and shaped our reality

Those spheres keep
us one with our
fears, prejudice,
moral judgement, and
values

That have been cultivated
throughout centuries
and passed down to us,
as if they were genes

They might as well be genes,
they influence every part
of our lives, every decision
we make

Won't you consider this
and post a comment listing one
or more beliefs or behaviors
that may be a result of
your circumstances

Your sphere of reality

Broken

I have everything that I have ever wanted or so it would seem I still feel like I am searching most probably for something that doesn't even exist +++++ (Finn posted that, curious little fellow) God I love these dogs, I have become the crazy dog lady There are so many ghosts and memories that seem to haunt me I can't relate to my family, which seems so strange when it shouldn't, they have always been nuts It is so very hard to sit next to my mother and listen to all her pleasantries and bullshit when I know she resents me so I have my own adorable home my car is paid for and I just bought the boat I have always wanted So what am I so terrified of? My dad is such a wonderful man not easy to communicate with but what man is really? I don't know what I would do without him He does so much for me It will be two years since my divorce soon I don't feel any regrets about that But I do miss having the back up income and not having to worry so about my job Every action has a reaction and every choice has it's price Actually everything has it's price I'm finding A friend of mine told me that my body (sick all of the time) is trying to tell me something Is that it, or has it finally, simply, anticlimactically BROKEN