Struggling

To struggle by definition:

• make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction
• strive to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance
• engage in conflict
• make one's way with difficulty

As cliche' as this may sound
I feel like I have been struggling all my life

Maybe we all are struggling
but I have only lived my own

I signed documents today
that will complete an entire volume of my life

A volume filled with turmoil, scandal, anxiety
fear, uncertainty, tears, insecurity, awakening and growth

Sprinkled throughout were moments of elation and joy
giving birth to and raising my two sons

As I sit here, in the quiet of my new home
I feel so many emotions, I have so many questions

None of which can be answered by anyone else

I have done the very best that I can
I have made hard choices and big decisions

I set a goal of August 1, 2010
and on that night I slept in my new home

I met conflict head on and didn't back down
something I have never, ever done before

I feel proud

I am filled with wonder

Wonder about what the next volume of my life will look like
will all the pieces of the puzzle fit together

I used to feel like my life was scattered, like satellites
it's not anymore, for the most part

I don't really know what to do with that
it has been my existence for as far back as I can remember

One life here, one life there, another over there
it is so quiet now, so very silent

I can hear the traffic on Gandy
the occasional footsteps of my neighbor above

Today I signed the papers

The Most Glorious Gift

What do you say?

When "thank you" isn't enough

When "I love you" doesn't even come close

When there simply are no words

What do you do?

When you can't get close enough

When you can't hug tightly enough

When the time you spend together goes by too fast

You.....

Wake up each morning and revel in the joy of being in a loving relationship

Smile and share kindness because your heart is full but light

Know that the other part of you is never very far away

Keep putting one foot in front of the other on the road to creating your future

But most importantly......

You thank God for blessing you
with the most wonderful and glorious gift
that one person could ask for

Love

Loving Fearlessly

If it's between love and losing
to never have known the feeling
I'd still side with love

And if I end up lonely
at least I'll be there knowing
I believed in love

~Fearless, Colbie Caillat

I'm Free

I did it
I no longer have to live with the stigma
of being the "woman who still lives with her husband"

I don't have to tell my story anymore
I don't have to try to justify or explain
It simply no longer exists

I'm free to be me
to create myself, my life
the way I want it to be

I keep having to fight
to keep myself from feeling guilty
from feeling selfish

I have dreamt of this day
I have envisioned it in terror
and I have envisioned it in bliss

Honestly, so far, it's been both
but I'm out here, standing on my own two feet
and I can do anything I put my mind to

It is such an incredible feeling
I'm free, completely free
and I am ready to create my future