Hey....Hey you out there!!! What do you want me to write about?

This blog has been a source of therapy for me, an outlet of sorts. I have a very, very dysfunctional family. I am estranged from my mother and my sister as they are toxic and have caused me nothing but grief. Their side of the story will be quite different from mine but let us just suffice it to say they are toxic. Nuclear waste toxic.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that I know a good majority of the population comes from dysfunctional families and I wanted to reach out to anyone who felt that they wanted to comment. To say whatever you feel like saying. I have had people tell me that they can't believe I don't speak to "my own mother." It makes me question myself for sure, however, looking back on so many years of building up hope only to be let down time and time again, renders me exhausted. It got to the point that it was like a familiar dance that I was ultimately able to predict how and when the dance would end almost every time.

Toxic people can and often times are our own family members. We continue to "tolerate" behavior from them that we simply would not tolerate from a friend or acquaintance. The phrase "Honor thy mother," haunts me but I can honestly say that I have tried. Not just once, many, many times. My interest is how to get rid of the negative affects that the breakdown of this key relationship leave behind. The decreased confidence, difficulty building relationships and trusting people. I mean "if you can't trust your own mother, who can you trust?" That thought has crossed my mind a million times. According to the self help books I have read that is about a million times too many, as controlling your thoughts and inner voice are key to a peaceful mind. Ahhhhh, a peaceful mind. That sounds like heaven. Maybe we can focus on that here. Unburdening our minds of all of the negative emotions associated with family strife or any other unpleasantness to create a quite, peaceful mind. What do you think? Really, I want to know what you think.

Born Guilty to You

Born to someone who is addicted to attention
negative or positive "it's all about You"

Look at this beautiful baby you brought into the world
"you did so good, you are going to be such a good mother"

She looks so cute when you
put that bow in her hair
You always dress her in the cutest baby clothes

She looks like a little doll, you keep her so beautifully
I bet she'll grow up to be just like you

Well she didn't, she is independent not co-dependent
She is smart, so smart, not ignorant

She was born with a large capacity for love
She couldn't walk away from her father
when he no longer served you

She has a beautiful soul
gave birth to two beautiful souls
that you had nothing to do with

She works hard for a living
nothing special, just got her degree
and made a career for herself, unlike you

You gave birth to a evil soul
who caused so much grief and upheaval

You talked and talked and talked
told anyone who would listen
you poor soul how do you handle it

That evil soul got you so much more attention
than the beautiful one just trying to understand
life, trying to do everything right in your eyes

Your eyes that didn't even see her because
she didn't draw attention to herself or most importantly
YOU

I hate you