Middle Age - Not For Sissies

I have never done, said
so many things that I regret

Raging anger swells inside me
that is very difficult to harness

Always good at controlling myself
now I fight the grinding halt of the brakes

Little patience for people, circumstance
when I myself am prone to the same behaviors

Every day a different mood
the one constant is fatigue

My feelings, thoughts escape my mouth
before I have had time to edit them

Leaving me back peddling
for damage control

Feeling afraid, insecure, confused
is so unbecoming

I'm sure it's not always as bad as this
but I feel middle age creeping up on me

I hope it doesn't get any worse
maybe the Salsa dance lessons will help

Quote

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post."

~L. Thomas Holdcroft

Love Does Die

I recently looked at a photograph of an old lover
something that, until recently, was very difficult.

Simply looking at a picture would dredge up painful emotion,
a response, I was certain, would never, ever go away.

I thought I would never be free from what felt like a paralyzing hold.

As I sat and looked at the photo, I was relieved to find
that I don't even know that person anymore.

I saw a person that I used to know, used to respect, used to love.
Now, not the slightest feeling of love - present or future.

I felt empowered, thankful and sad all at the same time.

Empowered because I have finally let go and moved on.

Thankful because God heard and answered my prayers.

Sad because I realized at that moment - love does die.

Creative Writing Assignment Two - Intro Redux

For my entire adult life people have been telling me that I take myself too seriously. My response always started with a giggle and then I would insist, “I do not!” I’m actually one of the silliest people I know. However, as I sat down to write my introduction, I realize that I get very serious when I am charged with the task of telling my own story or introducing myself. So, to all of my friends who have told me over the years that I take myself too seriously, you were right, I do. But now, on a serious note, just not too serious, I will introduce myself to you. My name is Kimberly Roderick and I was born and raised in Tampa, Florida. I just celebrated my 42nd birthday in May. Looking back over my life I have realized that not only do I take myself too seriously, apparently I’m not a big fan of change and there is some odd recurrence of the number four in my past. I have lived at only four residences during my entire life, I have had a total of four serious relationships, and I have worked at four long term jobs. Wow, that’s weird. I have two wonderful teenage boys named Joseph and Scott who keep my life very interesting and also keep me from making a fool of myself by insisting that I do not dance or sing, period. I went back school at 29 to obtain my Associates in Science degree and I have worked as a Physical Therapist Assistant for the past ten years. I am currently seeking my Bachelors degree in Health Services Administration. I enjoy long walks on the beach, reading, writing, word games, music, fishing, computers and anything that provides my mind with a challenge. Until I started this class, I was in a bit of a mid-life funk and was having a hard time setting new goals for myself. Obviously getting my Bachelors Degree is one of my goals, but I have also decided that I would like to get published on a small scale and then possibly go on to write a novel. I’m not getting older, I’m getting better.

Creative Writing Assignment One - Journal 1

She grasped the stopwatch so hard that her knuckles were white and tingling as she stood in front of “The Venue.” This used to be her favorite place to relax, party, and just hang out with the people she once considered her friends. “Tonight won’t be relaxing or festive, but hopefully it will be therapeutic,” she thought to herself as she pressed the start button on her stopwatch with one hand and slowly opened the door to “The Venue” with the other. Standing tentatively inside the entrance her eyes began to adjust to the light as she struggled to maintain her composure. Finally looking up, her steel blue eyes scanned the room discreetly but frantically in search of every exit sign.  Intent on ordering a drink, she set out on the seemingly mile long trek across the room. Her posture, a picture of perfection, as her Stilettos carried her across the room with the purposeful stride of a confident woman, the result of her many years walking down catwalks and runways.  Heads turned in rapid succession, indulging in her exquisiteness as she passed. The season’s top fashion adorned her 6’2 frame, cascading strawberry blonde locks bounced perfectly in time over her slender shoulders with every stride. It was this attention that used to fuel her, adoration that she craved, now it served only as a source of terror and dread.  She could hear her rapid heartbeat pounding as loud as a kettle drum in her ears and she felt as though her eyes were pulsing with each beat. Her perfectly manicured hands fumbled awkwardly through her purse, in search of her wallet.  She wasn't accustomed to paying for her own drinks but she didn't have the stomach to sit and make eye contact with anyone, not here, not anywhere, since July 15, 1994 at 3:53 pm. She longed for the familiar warmth and sea of smiles at “Tappers,” her favorite watering hole back home, in Oklahoma, but that was thousands of miles from here. Her only comfort tonight was the stop watch ticking away the seconds in her pocket.  Her counselor said thirty minutes in a crowded, public place.  She could do this, she could do anything, for thirty minutes.

Time

brings things into focus

truly does heal all

allows you to forget

helps you to remember

urges you to explore the options

nudges you into new opportunities

is fertilizer for growth

smooths out the rough edges

polishes the stone

turns pain into prosperity

weathers woes

forces change

is perpetual motion

is illusive

is uncertain

is fixed, measured, and definitive

is later, yesterday, and today

is ticking, up, and now

is time

Another Wonderful Quote

Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

~Mark Twain

A Wonderful Quote

What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.

~Albert Pine

Grasshoppers, Crickets, and Katydids, Oh My!!!

Such a wonderful trip!! The IP truly was a Palace fit for two Queens!!!







What a better way to start the trip than to see Melissa and her larger than life presence. It was an awesome show me and my two favorite girls!!



I am counting the days until we go back to New Orleans!!! What an incredible place, so rich with history and amazing food. I think the next time I go back to Bourbon Street I'll need to have a few Bourbon's first (maybe that's why they call it that). Can you say OVER STIMULATING!!! Amazing music though!!! From Aretha Franklin style bar singers to men playing 5 gallon bait buckets on the sidewalk, it's rocking!! I can see why you find it so intriguing Jac!!









The food was FABULOUS!!! We had Seafood Gumbo, Crawfish Etouffee, and Fried Oysters mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!





In New Orleans they put some SERIOUS seafood in their Gumbo!!



No trip to the Big Easy would be complete without Beignets and Cafe' Au Lait at Cafe Du Monde.

Someone to Find Me

Have you ever lost someone
in a big department store or theme park

You venture out and look around occasionally
but you always keep coming back to the last place you saw them
in hopes that the person will return and find you waiting there

Paralyzed by the thought of moving too far away from that place
fearful of never being found as you wait

I lost someone, over a year ago
and I have been returning to the same figurative place
over and over, just in case they wanted to come back and find me

I've been afraid to move too far away from this place
afraid to live, afraid to love or to let myself experience love

Terrified to do anything, say anything, be anything
that may make me different somehow
so they may not be able to, or even want to find me again

I have realized now, that in this process of waiting
and returning to this place time and time again
I have come to depend on myself for solace

I have faced my emotions and fears head on
I am stronger, whole and capable of wandering away from this place

As I walk away, and turn to look back one last time
I realize that the person who most needed to find me

Was
Me

Already Gone

Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky
You can see the stars and still not see the light

~Eagles

In God's Pocket

Again, I pick myself up and dust myself off

Each time seems to be more difficult than the last
the cuts get deeper, the scars more visible, wounds slower to heal

This WILL be the last time, I will NOT have to pick myself up again
because of this, because of her, because it never really mattered anyway

Protecting myself, my health, my emotional well being
must be my number one priority

No more trying to convey my sorrow
no more letting it eat me up, from the inside out

I will take my bag packed full of lessons
and move forward now, looking back only when it's safe again

I don't know when that will be, if ever
but for now, I need only look forward anyway

I am stronger, less self absorbed, but more self caring
it's my truest self that I must long for, no one else

Someone so very dear to my heart and soul
recently gave me a book of Answered Prayers

"Allow me to risk while I protect your heart. I am large enough for you to be small. Picture this. There is a pocket above my heart. It is there that I carry you. You are safe."

I love this quote, I can picture myself there, in God's pocket
such a wonderfully comforting image.

My Best Girl

One Of These Days

I'm going to sit down and write and write and just let everything flow out of me like water pushing against a dam that has just been broken.

Right now I simply have to hold it all back. I don't know why but it just wouldn't flow even if the dam were to break.

It simply will not come. It will not flow, it just trickles.

I do believe that my inner passion manifests itself in two forms, love and writing. I am truly having difficulty giving freely of either right now and I wish I knew why.

My guess is that I have injured myself and it will just take some time for the healing process to complete itself.

For now, I find comfort in reading the words of others. I read and read, soaking up quotes and books. I enjoy spending time alone more than I ever used to. Maybe this is just a solstice in preparation for a really big creative purge.

A glorious time when I can embrace life, write and passionately love myself, so as to authentically give these gifts to another.

Thought Provoking

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was, at its best, than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

~Margaret Mitchell

God I Wish I Could Dance

What a wonderful gift
to be able to express
passion in such a beautiful
art form

I feel that passion
stirring inside my soul

To live a life
without being able
to express that passion

Is living absolutely
no life at all

Looking forward to,
"So You Think You Can Write"

Wreck of the Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

The Long Way Around

Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Takin' the long way around

~The Dixie Chicks

The Best Birthday Ever

His Navy Dog Tag to keep forever
Him to squeeze on number 42
My PaPa

A World Inside A World

Many times each day, I step out of my world
and cross the threshold into the world of another

Someone who's world has been displaced for a time
by a planned surgery, a serious accident, or a crippling illness

I become part of their world by default, a lotto of sorts
I may see them once or twice and then never see them again

But each and every time I turn to recross that threshold
my hope is that I have left their world just a little brighter
than it was before I walked in

Amen

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

~Harvey Mackay

Got U-Haul?

Conscience

The human voice can never reach the distance
that is covered by the still, small voice of conscience
~Mahatma Gandhi

Red 2 Go!!

No More I'm Sorry's

No more I'm Sorry's
The language is leaving me

My Heart

Blowing gently back and forth with the wind
exposed to the elements for long enough now
I have taken it down off the line

I have pressed it, fluffed it up
and put it right back where it belongs
in the care of only those who take great care with it

Fresh and sun drenched
mended and renewed
it's whole again, ready to love and be loved

My Heart

The Light At Each End of the Tunnel

I finally feel like I am far enough through the tunnel
that the haunting light behind me is disappearing
and the brilliant light in front of me has come into focus

Random

activities

change

inner comfort

anger

time

quiet

sustaining

children

growing

learning

trying

safe

family

truth

responsibility

acceptance

forgiveness

courage

embracing

manipulation

importance

love

ideals

self image

perfection

health

knowledge

wisdom

patience

trust

God

Angelkisses

I do still love you!!! I'll be in touch soon!

Happy 84th Birthday PaPa!!

Around In Awareness

"Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness."
~James Thurber

Homework (continued)

11. I believe that had I not been too terrified to try out for cheerleading in high school, that I would have made the squad and it would have changed the course of my entire high school experience.

12. The happiest I remember being as an adolescent was when I was playing softball.

13. When I was in 4th grade I was awarded the "Red Headed Bombshell" award because I cracked everyone up.

14. Also in 4th grade there were 3 Kim's in my class so I volunteered to go by my middle name "Ann" and to this day people will come up to me and say "Ann Perry!!" It's so strange.

15. When I was a kid I used to like sitting around the table with the adults while they talked, smoked cigarettes and drank coffee, instead of playing outside with my friends. Funny I never smoked or drank coffee much. I was just neurotic from listening to all the adult conversation.

16. The first time my dad took me fishing I tried to bait my own hook and the shrimp jumped and scared me. I dropped my pole on my dad's head, it fell in the water and I almost did too. He didn't take me much after that......Still doesn't.

17. I absolutely loved be pregnant, it was the first time I didn't have to worry about how big my stomach was. It was really very freeing since I feel my biggest figure flaw is my stomach.

18. Even though I have been married for 21 years, I have no earthly clue what it feels like to be married.

19. When I was 14, I got a piece of a shell embedded in my foot and I didn't show my mom because I didn't want to go to the doctor, thank God she finally noticed me limping because I came very close to getting gangrene.

20. I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood but to this day I remember being 4 or 5 and going to the pediatrician. I asked him if I had to get a shot and he told me no and then he ended up giving me one anyway, I was really pissed at him........I still am.

..............5 more to go!!

The Dog Ate My Homework (Jack)

1. I have learned more about who I am and what I stand for over the past year than I ever have in my entire life.

2. My favorite movie candy is (are) Snow Caps, I love the way they taste, I love the way they feel in my mouth, and I really love the way they look.

3. When I was in the 5th grade I showed all my friends a picture of an older cousin that I had never met and told them that she was my older sister that lived in Kentucky.

4. I never trusted my judgment as a therapist until I starting working at TGH, now I feel like I can do anything.

5. I love, or at least will eat anything that comes from the earth but animal products are a different story. I have to disassociate myself from the fact that anything that I am eating was ever alive.

6. I remember suffering from depression even as a small child.

7. When you told me I was brave, I thought you were crazy. I have come to realize though that you are right. I have overcome so many paralyzing fears in my lifetime. It's no wonder I'm so tired ;)

8. My biggest fear isn't going crazy anymore. I have realized I really don't have a biggest fear and that is very freeing.

9. The first time I kissed a boy, I was 13 and I honestly thought that I was doing something that was very morally wrong.

10. I have always had this secret desire to join the Military, simply because I knew that if boot camp didn't break me or kill me then I could seriously do anything.

.......Whew, there, 15 more to go!!

Stay

I've always been amazed
by people who can just walk away

Pick it all up and go
lock, stock, and barrel

Never look back
just forget everyone and everything

This is life, it hurts
but it also makes us stronger

If it was always easy
what would we learn?

If we never tested the waters
how would we know?

I have found that through
turbulent times

Love grows stronger
for those who endure

Those who stay
despite pain and uncertainty

When someone has seemingly
lost their mind, their way, their resolve

They stay with them, hold them
cry with them, get exasperated at them

Not even certain if there will be a place for them
when all is said and done

They stay, even though they are juggling

The pain of the past and
the pain of the present

She stayed even though I pushed her away
time and time again

Not really knowing who I was or
where I was going

She stayed

Not the one who I had shared
10 years of my life with

Not the one who told me
she would always be there for me

But the one I barely knew
who barely knew me

She stayed, while I cried
day after day longing for another

Even though she knew, at times, that I felt
I had made a terrible mistake

She stayed with me, prayed with me
never left my side

Until I felt strong again
and ready to fly

I am whole again
much stronger now and ready to fly

But I think.......

I'll stay

A Little More Time

Please God, don't take him now
I need more time

I promise I'll be more attentive
I won't take him for granted

He's been here my whole life
as long as I can remember

I've always loved him so much
but I haven't always shown him

I just need a little more time
please give me more time, give him more time

He, like me, was caught
in the middle of senselessness

Although unspoken, we both
have always known that

He's my PaPa, I need him
I need more time to show him I need him

He was always the one
who was willing to help me

Always dropped everything
to come and watch his great grandsons

He did my laundry while I was at work
stocked my fridge with treats for the boys

He has been everything that a grandfather
should be and more

I appreciated him, but not enough
not as much as he deserved

I was too busy groaning about what I didn't have
to open my eyes and see what a blessing he was to me

Thank you for letting me realize the importance of family
before it was too late

But please give me just a little more time with him
and please God, comfort him with your love and light

Treasures of Old

Just like searching for treasures
on the seashores

I love searching for treasures
of old

Glassware, books, figurines,
tools, utensils, jewelry

Anything that has a history
a history completely unknown

I look at an old license plate
and wonder how many miles it's traveled

A bowl or platter
I wonder who or how many it has ever served

A ration token from the great depression
I wonder how many times it has exchanged hands

My mind works that way
always wondering, curiously analyzing

I used to think it was a curse
this curious, questioning mind I have

I have recently learned
to appreciate it, feed it with the things it craves

It's the way God made me,
the way people will remember me

My own history

PaPa

You have been my hero
ever since I can remember

I know we've been through
some rocky times

But I have always felt
a very strong bond with you

I have always seen so much of myself in you
I have always felt such a strong love and respect for you

Your kindness and caring soul
is a wonderful trait that I have inherited

I thank you for that

I talk fast like you
eat fast like you, got my red hair and freckles from you
got my funny, quirky personality from you

It is so hard for me to see you sick
but you are so strong and you're my PaPa
I know that you can overcome this

I love you

Me and My Sis

Finally

The fog is lifting and I can see the future

I am not paralyzed by regret and guilt from the past

I have realized that in order to take a step forward
you have to be looking in that direction

I'm learning to let go

I don't feel weighed down by sorrow

I see how much I've learned and grown

I feel whole again

Finally

Welcome

Carl David Coker - 3/4/2009

Doin' What I Do

A man whose index finger was bitten off by his girlfriend
because he pointed it in her face

A woman walking in Georgia
attacked by a pack of wild dogs

A girl not much older than my son
with double lung transplants due to cystic fibrosis

Heightened security because of
high profile patients in the news

Walking through a sea of media
awaiting a news conference on my way to lunch

Doing things I never thought I'd do
seeing things I never thought I'd see

Jumpin' in, helpin' out
no two days are ever the same

Problem solving by myself or with the team
if I can do this, I can do anything

This is therapy, this is cutting edge, level 1 Trauma
A dull moment at work.......Never

Post Fight Giggles

"I'm sorry we fussed...."

"I luv you......"

"I'm gonna buy me a pick up truck....."

Tiny Treasures

I had forgotten
the magical powers

Of the beach
and the ocean

The waves
crashing at my feet

The sun on my skin
melting away my cares

As I search and search
for tiny treasures

Treasures that have traveled
for miles with the tides

I imagine that their journey
has been a lot like life

Twirling, rolling, sinking, floating
buried then unearthed with each wave

All the rough edges being buffed
worn down and polished along the way

Some survive seemingly untouched
by the perilous journey

Others are missing pieces
and show the scars of time and tides

Each one unique, with a story of it's own
a story that no one will ever know

Perhaps the greatest of mysteries
these treasures of the sea

Sometimes

................you wanna to go
where everybody knows your name

A Year Retrospective

A domino affect of broken hearts
plans, dreams, and expectations
one pushed down by the next
set in motion by seemingly
innocent feelings for another

A year has passed, many words spoken by some
very few words spoken by others
retribution, retaliation, attempts at reconciliation
lie neatly in rows, each overlapping the next
the first every bit as painful as the last

I revisit this daily
I guess I probably will for the rest of my life
human emotion and feelings have plagued me
since I was just a small child
a recurring theme in my life

I agonized over anything or anyone feeling hurt
left out, neglected, ignored, or disappointed in any way
I would have rather died myself than to think that I
had caused anyone to experience any of these emotions
I would slight myself before I would consider hurting someone else

So I guess it's not surprising
that the events of the past year have traumatized me so
I have experienced everything that has terrified me since I was just a girl
and while this has been by far, one of the most difficult years I have lived
I have learned to value the things that I once took for granted

God
Family
Friends
All the people who love me, warts and all

I know that I cannot change what has already happened
and I feel that I have adequately conveyed my sorrow
I will, in the future, however take more care with my loved ones
let them know that they are cherished, loved and cared for
life is simply too short to be lived in a world centered in self

But One Small Speck

Lately I have been wondering if my prayers are heard
and if so, have they been answered?

I do know that every prayer is not answered
at least not in the way we are asking it to be.

And sometimes no answer at all, is actually the answer.
If I really stop and think about it, it's mind boggling.

When I figure that what I am asking of God
might parallel but be directly opposite
to what someone else is asking Him.

So my prayer not being answered,
might actually be the answer to the prayer of another.

Amazingly, he has it all figured out
a plan for me, a plan for you, that has already been mapped out.

Our prayers he hears, even though we are but one small speck
in this vast universe.

Thank God

I love you PaPa

Hard Rock Star Search and Foolish Fun

Silly school girl fun
it feels so good

It's been a long time
since I have been able to just let go

Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Paris Hilton
and us, party girls with the stars "supposedly"

Ok, so party girls with the security guards
but still such fun

Making memories, building confidence
laughing all the while

Oysters on the half shell
Blue Moon overflowing

Shucking and drinking
floating not sinking

Washing away tears
allowing laughter and love to surface

Partying with friends and loved ones
good food, good fun, a whole new life has begun

Gloriously Mine

I have come to realize that this road I have been traveling
albeit rocky and pain filled

Has been a slow journey back to my family
something I have subconsciously yearned for

God has been trying to show me
for such a long time

I knew there must be a message
in the recurring mother theme in my life

The bitterness I felt about
his mother, her mother

The jealousy I felt about
her close relationship with her family

The intense grief I felt
at the mention of the death of her mother

It seems that it should have been so easy
so clearly laid out for me to see

But I wasn't paying attention,
clouded by my selfishness, I was sure that I had been wronged

I am doing the best I can at raising
my children

They did the best they could
at raising me

They are not perfect, neither am I
but they are mine and I love them

The good, the bad, the indifferent
I love them for who they are,
they love me for who I am

They're mine, mine, gloriously mine
and I am so thankful that God brought
me to them before it was too late

Breathe (2 am)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you always try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.

Found So Far

Passionate

Noticeable

Worthy

Unique

Capable

Kind

A Fool

Over the past few months I have felt like
I have made a complete and total fool of myself.

I got the impression, during one of my counseling sessions
that if you wanted something you needed to make it known.

Never being one to do that, it seemed very foreign
but it made sense to me at the time.

I hurt her, so I needed to do my best to convey to her
that I wanted any and every opportunity to make it right.

While I haven't begged, I have been persistent
only to be ignored, belittled, and patronized.

Treated as if I have no worth,
deserving of no respect at all.

During this time I have experienced
more anger than I ever have in my lifetime.

It has eaten away at my self confidence
rendered me blind to my true inner beauty and light.

Robbed me of precious moments of pride
in my often selfless caring and understanding ways.

I foolishly believed that this person was someone
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Relationships, are difficult under the best of circumstances
lasting ones few and far between.

Things happen, trials, tribulations, tests
these are what make strong relationships stronger.

Arrogance, ignorance, pride, stubbornness, games,
gossip, hatefulness these are what kill them.

It's not a fool who mistakenly thinks they are still in love with someone
It's a fool who couldn't muster up an ounce of kindness
for someone who is sincerely trying to reach out to them.

Trying Hard To

Let the past just be.......

So True

What we do to someone else,
we also do to ourselves.

~The Reverend Melissa Etheridge

To Whom These May Concern

Lying is done with words and also with silence.
~Adrienne Rich

Arrogance really comes from insecurity, and in the end
our feeling that we are bigger than others is really the
flip side of our feeling that we are smaller than others.
~Archbishop Desmond TuTu

True friendship can afford true knowledge.
It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.
~Henry David Thoreau

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
~Martin Luther King Jr.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
~Mohandas Gandhi

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.
~George Bernard Shaw

Arrogance and rudeness are training wheels on the bicycle of life -- for weak people who cannot keep their balance without them.
~Laura Teresa Marquez

Sometimes when you try so hard to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, not even yourself.
~Me

Tears

end of a story, fade to black
time to move forward don't look back

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

wash away the pain, cleanse my soul
overflowing sadness, make me whole

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

panic waning, sadness slows
fog is lifting, colors show

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

cleaning the slate
less guilt, less hate

raining grief, cleansing relief

thank you God for

tears

The Bridge Ablaze

The bridge is ablaze

Amidst the flames and ashes

A stronger, more confident person emerges

Co-dependence, indulgence, guilt, obligation

Tossed one by one into the inferno

Standing close enough to feel the heat

Yet far enough away to avoid the searing pain of the burn

I watch as the blazing bridge

Once a brilliant structure

Is reduced to ashes of retribution, immaturity, and contempt

Still clinging to anger and bitterness

Not yet ready to let them go

I choose to watch it burn and not turn away

For I must always remember

It took more than just me to build that bridge

and it took more than just me to tear it down

So during moments of weakness

When I might feel the need to turn around and go back

The image of that burning bridge will serve as a reminder

There is absolutely nothing left to take me back there

Christmas Love

Love is Everything - Jane Siberry

maybe it was to learn how to love
maybe it was to learn how to leave
maybe it was for the games
we played
maybe it was to learn how to choose
maybe it was to learn how to lose
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love made sweet and sad the same
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait 'til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving

maybe it was to learn how to fight
maybe it was for the lesson in pride
maybe it was the cowboys' ways
maybe it was to learn not to lie
maybe it was to learn how to cry
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love did not hold back the reins
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving

*first she turns to you*
*then she turns to her*
*so you try to hurt her back*
*but it breaks your body down*
*so you try to love bigger*
*bigger still*
*but it...it's too late*

so take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
and know you'll never be the same
and find it in your heart to kneel down and say
i gave my love didn't i?
and i gave it big...sometimes
and i gave it in my own sweet time
i'm just leaving

*love is everything*

Today I Am Most Thankful For

My faith

My family

My friends

Inner peace

A wonderful job

Good food prepared by and for the people I love

Warmth

Comfort

Health

Happiness

The angels among us

~I will try hard not to take these things for granted as I enjoy this, my very favorite holiday.

Open Casting Call - Revisited

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Fumbling Toward Acceptance

It hasn't been pretty
and some of my finer moments
have not shown through

I will accept that, however
given the nature of the circumstances
humans do not function at their best when their hearts are breaking

I have been fooling myself
with my eyes wide shut
there have been no illusions here

I have simply focused only on what I wanted to see
blocked out what I didn't
and hoped for what I foolishly thought would be a miracle

I'm not sure whether going through something like this
dramatically changes someone for the good or the bad
or if traits that were always there become more apparent during the fall out

I will probably never know, but either way
once endured, this pain cannot be stricken from memory
scars remain etched like tattoos on the heart, soul and mind

An emotional sword wielded inflicts wounds
every bit as severe as a sword made of steel
tears shed, no blood, but every bit as painful and damaging

I'm tired now, weary and my judgment is waning
I'm hearing things in your voice that simply aren't there
I'm grasping for hope in the most insignificant of gestures

Dignity, self respect and loyalty to ones own self worth
to lose sight of these would mean dying a long, slow, painful death
I must do everything in my power to preserve them

I will never be able to walk among your peers
without knowing that I have been harshly judged and sentenced
by many of whom are guilty of the same, or worse, offenses

I am struggling to go back to a home from which I have been banished
comfort no longer resides there, compassion and love, luxuries of the past
just a pile of burning rubble and shards of glass lay where it used to stand

I must pack up the memories that for now are too painful to recall
everything else I will dispose of or have melded into something new
to symbolize my long awaited acceptance

Greater Ways

I am finding
there are far greater ways
to hurt someone and
damage a relationship
than having an affair

It certainly does have
a more dramatic flare
to say "she cheated on me!!!"
it will definitely summon
a greater number of supporters

Maybe it's those supporters
who lead you to believe
that I have no worth
that my feelings don't matter
that you don't owe me anything

If that's the case
I am truly sorry
for a life of anger and bitterness
is a fate worse than death

My pain will subside and I will move on
I am sad though because these recent memories
are tainting any good memories
that I had of the past 10 years

I don't even know you anymore
I'm sure it wasn't just the affair
that caused this shift in your personality
I've sensed it was there all along

So Funnyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The Presents of Me

Running on a hillside
she and me

Basking in the sunlight
happy and free

No worries, no sadness
just beauty for miles

Warmth and love
giggles and smiles

Flowers of every color and size
on a canvas of green and blue

Dew drops on grass blades
cast prisms of light

Shimmering, glittering
bouncing and bright

Dancing and singing
whirling and twirl

Just me and this magical
whimsical girl

She's happy and brilliant
mysterious and fun

She's creative and caring
considers everyone

At times I lose sight of
her goodness so rare

I must cherish her, keep her
in good loving care

A soul so well meaning
a heart of pure gold

So eager to share
the gifts she beholds

I steady my focus, her image I see
I'm warmed by her presence

The presents of me

Destination Unknown

I recently read a quote
~I really love to read quotes

It read:
"Life is the journey, not the destination"

Since the day I entered this world
I have been in a hurry

As a newborn I had to stay in the hospital
because I tried to finish my bottle all in one gulp

Today, I still eat very fast
seldom taking time enjoy the taste of what I'm eating

I'm finding that I live my life
very much in the same way

Darting from destination to destination
never taking time to enjoy the journey

I've always feared and hated change
maybe I figure the quicker I get where I'm going

The less likely it will be
that I will have to deal with detours in my path

Maybe it's the safety I crave
I feel vulnerable on a journey, less so at a destination

However there is a certain impulsiveness
that comes from being afraid of the journey

If I quickly rush from "here" to "there"
I can spare myself any pain that the journey may afford

There is also a restlessness that comes
from avoiding the journey, missing out on life's experiences

I have at times become obsessive about a destination
causing myself to loose sight of the journey completely

Looking back this has many times been the case
in some of the bad decisions I have made

I have been blessed with the insight
and the wisdom to learn this about myself

Now it's up to me to slow down and walk along side myself
with no preconceived idea or plan

Just me, living for the moment
learning to comfort myself, reveling in my journey

Destination Unknown

21 Years Ago Today

I got married..............Damn

Thoughts on Contempt

Contempt Defined - the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
To hold someone in contempt is to consider them to be unworthy of respect.

Quotes on Contempt

“Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings.” ~Ann Miller, American writer

“Wrongs are often forgiven; contempt never” ~ Lord Chesterfield, British statesman

What Really Matters

Yesterday I was treating a 40 year old woman diagnosed with cervical cancer that had metastasized to her bowl and bladder. After a total hysterectomy, removal of a section of her bowel and her bladder, I stood and watched as she pushed through her emotional and physical pain, simply because she wanted to see her kids grow up.

At that very moment I realized that none of this matters at all. This is just a small bump in my road, not a major life altering event.

Today, I thank God, set down another heavy pack and continue on my journey. For now, I am blessed with health. I am good, well meaning, kind and I am worthy of all these things abundantly in return. Life is just too short.

I'm Alive

The problem with keeping yourself
too protected and never taking any risk

Is that someday, sometime
you have to do it

You have to step outside
of your box and let life happen

It pulls you, calls you
haunts you even

You have to experience
the greatest pain, the most intense joy

The full spectrum of emotion
that life has to offer

It is out of these experiences
that you learn how to cope

You begin to appreciate
that you are a lot stronger
than you give yourself credit for

No one can tell you how it feels
you simply have to live it, create your own life experience

Life is most certainly not a spectator sport
it is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is

I am, however, so thankful to be experiencing it
in all of its confusing, conflicted and painful glory

I feel like I am finally accomplishing something big
something I've been putting off for a very, very long time

I am experiencing life

Painfully enlightening, enchantingly serendipitous
packed with jewels of wisdom and insight

Experiences, my experiences
Trials and errors, good and bad

Their mine, all mine
and I want to feel them all

The searing pain of defeat
the gut wrenching agony of anger

Guilt, elation, love and hate
jealousy, admiration, fear,
contentment, accomplishment,
success and failure

I want to feel, I need to feel
for if I don't feel then I'm not alive

and

I have not been living
for way too long

With Love From Your Biggest Fan

When I think of words to describe you
"self centered" is definitely not one of them

I wouldn't even know where to begin
I don't know what I would have done without you

You always find an encouraging word
even when your own heart is breaking

You have shown me what it means
to be a very true friend, even in the face of adversity

Brave (the nicest thing anyone has ever called me)
That is you sweet girl.....Brave is most certainly you

Also you....
Strong, Kind, Understanding, Determined, Loving, Caring,
Intelligent, Generous, Loyal, Sincere, Giving,
Honest, Responsible, Respectful, Spiritual
and even though you hate it......Sweet ;)

Thank you seems so insignificant
but for you, I am truly thankful

Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
and Always

I am your Biggest Fan!!

Some Observations on Isolation

Isolation....

Working in a hospital I see it all the time. Patients are in isolation rooms for many reasons, mainly to protect them and the people entering the room from germs and the spread of them. It means donning isolation garb, a plastic gown, gloves and a mask before entering the patent's room. You go in with nothing exposed but your neck, eyes, and the back of your head.

Some days, today for example, I wish I could wear isolation garb in every room, in the hallways and the cafeteria even, because I just feel like keeping a barrier between me and the world. Some days are just like that I suppose.

If the poor patient happens to have some really scary disease, like flesh eating bacteria, I am always so very thankful for the extra layer. If they poop I find myself wishing for more gowns, wading boots, a tarp even. Always thankful for that mask when bad smells are lurking.....Oh so thankful. Some of the worst smells ever, in a hospital.

There are times when I am working hard in isolation and I get very sweaty because plastic doesn't breathe. If I get winded, that's no fun either because the only air you have is the last breath you just breathed. It's hot and close and can evoke a sense of panic. I hate that and typically curse having to wear all that gear on those days.

One day I was working with an O.T. and a tech in a nice little old man's room. We were all buzzing around getting things ready to get him up and moving about. He very sweetly called to us. "Can I ask you girls a favor?" he said in a tired, low voice. We all approached his bedside peering down at him. "Would you all take down your masks for just a minute so I can see your faces?" Of course behind each of our masks was the warmest of smiles for this very sweet little man. It's scary enough being in the hospital, it must be really scary to have everyone wear protective gear when they come into your room.

I go through periods where it seems that every patient I have is on isolation and that gets to be a drag, especially if you want to take the patient for a walk outside of the room. Then you have to gown them up too. The patients hate it.

Burn patients are on what's called, reverse isolation. That is to protect them from any germs that people who come in the room might have on their clothes or skin. The procedure is the same; gown, gloves, and mask. I remember my very first burn patient, I was so nervous, he was wrapped in gauze from head to toe like a mummy. They have to be unwrapped and re-wrapped in a special dressing before they can be seen for therapy. I kept having to leave the room for supplies, I must have gowned up 10 times for that one treatment. After I was done with his treatment I smiled and said my usual, "can I get you anything before I go?" Thank God I was wearing a mask when he answered, "I would love a cup of juice please,"so he didn't see my mouth drop at the thought of having to un-gown and re-gown yet one more time.

Oh and one last thing, you haven't truly worked in health care until you have sneezed with a isolation mask on. There just really are no words....

No real point here, just some observations on isolation.

The Sun to Rise Again

With morning comes a new perspective
the sun to rise again

A new day to embrace
a new journey on which to embark

I can finally lay down this pack of burden
guilt, longing, clinging to the past

For the past, as I knew it
is no longer there

The past has now become the present
and it is mine to mold and shape

I will set my sights on the horizon
and the wonderful new adventures that await me

I choose to forgive those who I feel have wronged me
letting go of anger and it's destructive hold

Yes, I am sad
but my heart is light

With a sense of relief
I move on now toward the future
and the wonderful uncertainty it holds

For with each new morning
comes new perspective

The sun to rise again............

I Choose Peace

The time has come
that I must learn
to find my own consolation

In times of discord and uncertainty
the very best I can do
is search within myself for comfort

Acquaintances are quick to offer
judgment and pseudo concern
only to increase the turmoil within

Friends and loved ones lend an ear
genuinely concerned for my well being
but don't truly get to see the picture

The view from where I'm standing
snug inside my own skin
peering out from behind my own eyes

Writhing in my own pain
basking in my own glory
the star of my very own show

I choose.....

When to change the channel
when to turn it off completely
and who gets to attend

I choose.....

How people get to treat me
who I can trust
and where I go from here

I choose.....

To live in Peace

Free Fall

Suspended high above the ground below
I am slowly losing my grip

My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets

My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do

My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like

Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided

I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet

I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue

Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge

I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can

Why can't I just let go?

It's gone, over, done
the PAST

It really is time to just let.......

Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?

Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear

What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?

Who will take care of me?

I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns

My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms

At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE

My Greatest Needs

At a time in my life
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told

"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"

So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care

With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul

Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"

I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them

When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills

Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7

The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children

These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship

For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness


As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same

Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success

The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle

"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.

I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."

God has not failed me
I have not failed myself

It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot

Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal

But in my heart, I know.......

While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way

And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met

My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved

and

The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......

They will do the same for me

Today I Choose.....

To concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past

To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same

To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me

To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend

To be thankful for my family

To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"

To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it

To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for

To believe that anything is possible

To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers

To laugh more

To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while

To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it

To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not

To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too

To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions

To reach out and touch someone with kindness

To not try and fix everything

To listen more

To love myself

Every Shade of Color in Between

Each morning when I hear my alarm
and open my eyes to focus on the day
I know that I have been blessed

Blessed with another opportunity
to soak in the lessons to be learned
from the vastness of living

Another chance to succeed
another chance to fail
but most importantly another chance to try

Sometimes the choices we make
work out beautifully
like a well executed plan

Giving the appearance
that we have mastered this life
and achieved success

Promoting confidence, pride
and a sense of well being
resulting in great happiness

Other times our choices
send life spinning out of control
with not a patch of solid ground in sight

Often inflicting great pain
upon ourselves and others
in the wake of the consequences

This renders us helpless and frail
leaving us to question
our motives, morals, and intellect

If we are lucky enough to survive
from these life altering choices
a gift of great knowledge abounds

For it is these experiences,
both joyful and painfully gut wrenching
that teach us what works, what doesn't

and......

Every shade of color in between

When Sorry Is Not Enough

Throughout my life
sorry has always been enough

It is such a powerful word
when it's said with sincerity

I realize now, however,
that sorry isn't always enough

When you pull the rug
out from under the feet of another

Trample on a heart
as if it were a door mat

Treat a fragile soul
with reckless carelessness

"I'm Sorry" seems almost insulting

"Time heals all things"
I have heard that saying so many times

Never once did I take a moment
to ponder what that might imply

"Actions speak louder than words"
another redundant phrase never pondered

In a situation such as this I am finding
that I must first forgive myself

I then must adjust my actions
to reflect my sorrow and pray

That time really does heal things
when sorry is not enough

Grey's Wisdom

Smooth rides make for boring stories
A little calamity, that's worth talking about

My Sea

Swells of emotion of every sort
surging like waves methodically crashing
on the white sandy beaches that line my soul

Just as I get my footing, begin to stand
another wave breaks at my feet
toppling me, again

Into the sea, my sea

A sea, at times so peaceful
it appears to be an unending sheet
of the most beautiful Satin

A sea, at times so turbulent,
it takes every bit of strength
just to keep my balance

The vastness of the spectrum is exhausting
it takes my breath, renders me delicate
yet empowered

For I am at the helm of this vessel,
chosen to navigate these waters
by an all knowing spirit

One who would never trust
a vessel such as this
to the weak or feeble

I CAN do this!

A Gift in the Truest Sense

Every now and again in this life
we are fortunate enough to run into people
who just get it

They inherently know when we just need
an extra bit of understanding
a smile, a nod, a kind word, a soft hand

Even when they don't truly understand
just the fact that they act like they do
is so very comforting

Most often we don't have any idea
what another soul is experiencing
actually it's not our job to know

But the truest gifts are bestowed
by those who don't question
but simply realize

That the most sincere understanding
is acknowledging, without judging
what is not understood at all

Dear God

Please take the past from me.
I was careless with the heart of another, which I regret.
I go back to that moment,
And I give it to You.
Please, dear God,
Make right my wrongs
And take away my sorrow.
Forgive me, please.
May I begin again.
Amen.

The Voyage

One ship goes North and another South

'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales

That determine the way they go

Like the ships at sea, are the ways of fate

As we voyage along through life

'Tis the set of the soul that decides the goal

And not the calm or strife

~Author Unknown

Oh What A Difference Professionalism Makes

Wow! How blind we become
to absolutely inadequate management

I have learned more in the past 3 days
than I learned in the past 4 months
well, physical therapy related information, anyway

I mean, far be it from me to tell someone
how to manage their department

But

For some reason I don't think mastering school girl clique management
is something the APTA is really concerned about

Written rules and regulations
with documented consequences

Policies, manuals, protocols, documenting what you do
bless the brilliant soul who came up with those ideas

As opposed to just making some shit up
if you don't like someone's personal choices

At least that way you have a snowballs chance in hell
to know if you're COMIN' or GOIN'
Best of all, the same rules apply to EVERYONE

From the big mouthed, blond haired, drunk
to the terminally miserable, mayonnaise monger
everyone is held to the same standard

No chance of being terminated for doing something
that is apparently only acceptable for the inner circle
of which you are no longer a member

What a novel idea to verify someone's skills
before turning them loose on some unsuspecting patient

I could have dropped one and it would have had less impact
than me stepping out the back door to listen to a voice mail

It amazes me the amount of money that some people are paid
to be glorified preschool teachers, crappy ones at that

I digress, but only for a moment

Favorite Quotes by Mohandas Gandhi

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings.

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

Open Casting Call

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Touche'

If we knew each others secrets,
what comforts we should find.

~John Churton Collins

Who Knew?

Normal by definition: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

I don't think that conforming to a standard is what I'm longing for

Usual, typical, expected, that sounds more like it

I can't really ever remember a time in my life when things weren't

Usual

Typical

Expected

Ironic, given that my persona is "Anything But Ordinary"

Seek the unusual

Avoid typical

Expect the unexpected

It is Usual to get up and go to work

It is Typical to work a full day and come home exhausted

It is Expected that a paycheck will be in the bank every two weeks

The Universe can have quite an interesting sense of humor, yes?

The very things you loath can become the very things you crave at any given moment

Usual

Typical

Expected

Who Knew?

Life's Rough Road

Sometimes in life we experience bumps in the road
bumps that sometimes knock us completely off course

Even if the course we were on was a really good one
we still get side tracked and suffer set backs

I can't be sure but I think sometimes these bumps
help us to appreciate our previous and present courses

So that we don't get too comfortable in our travels
for if the road becomes too familiar we may stop paying attention

As soon as we stop paying attention a collision is eminent
causing sometimes irreparable damage to our current course

Occasionally our previous course can be retrieved and repairs made
with work one may never even know that a collision has occurred

Sadly enough we don't realize that we have stopped watching for bumps
until we have a really big collision then it's often too late

A Scandal and a Scorn to All Who Look on Thee

Why can't I just forget about it
keep it out of my head

Probably because it has shaken me
down to my very foundation

Decisions that I make in my personal life
should never, ever effect my professional life

It's wrong, just plain wrong
on so many levels

Tried and convicted by a jury of my peers
peers that have no right to judge me or anyone else

The ultimate sentence carried out by my boss
someone who is supposed to act responsibly, professionally

I am so naive to think that things like this don't happen
taking a hit that left a gaping hole in my confidence

The hole shows, in my interviews
my confidence waining with each passing day

I'm so sick of going on interviews
tired of sitting once again in judgment

People ask me why I am so angry
I'm angry because of God damned judgmental people who act like that I am the only person in the fucking world who has ever made a mistake

Judge not, lest ye be judged
Judge not, lest ye be judged

I didn't slaughter or massacre
I didn't maim or dismember

For crying out loud
I'm a human fucking being

I don't deserve to be ignored
Made to feel guilty at every turn

I do take responsibility for my actions
I do admit to causing pain and I'm sorry for that

But I never professed to be without fault
without sin

Why am I being crucified
stoned, tarred and feathered,
lynched, persecuted, ostracized

FUCK

I'm just a mere mortal, human, learning lessons as I go along, just like everyone else

Would somebody just cut me some fucking slack here
just back the fuck off for awhile

The Faces of Evil

Wicked

Malignant

Vicious

Destructive

Harmful

Hurtful

Injurious

Detrimental

Deleterious

Ruinous

Nasty

Horrible

Foul

Disgusting

Bad

Wrong

Corrupt

Depraved

Vicious

Malicious

Diabolical

Shocking

Despicable

Atrocious

Broken

I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore
the worst feeling in the world
very isolating, so alone

Worse, I don't even trust myself
in this house of mirrors
that's become my life

A mirror at every turn,
I find myself standing in front of
struggling to recognize the distorted figure

I've traveled miles
but have gotten nowhere

Endured unimaginable pain
scars in various stages of healing

I never asked to be examined
under a microscope

To have every personal detail
and indiscretion of my life
aired for the world to see

To judge...

Ironically there's a lot to judge
considering the lack of experience under the Personal
Relationships heading on my life's resume

Bad judgment on my part, luck of the draw
who knows, I press on

My nature has always been to trust
once I've let someone in anyway

I guess my not letting many people in
is why that Personal Relationships heading
on my life's resume is so short

I'm not discriminatory,
just very, very cautious

Ever terrified of feeling
the way I do right now

Standing vulnerable in front
of yet another distorted mirror

Broken

I Always Knew.......

You would let me go easily.

You could be very hateful if crossed.

You would completely shut me out.

I never imagined.....

You would stop at nothing for revenge.

It's so unbecoming, but it has made my decision so much easier.

If You Live in Glass Houses........

Face to face friends wielding knives, it can work, if you don't turn your back

Unbecoming, this behavior of supposed professionals, worse yet, church goers

Casting of stones by those who apparently have no past indiscretions, how original

Karma, what goes around comes back around, you can count on it

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will come, I will move on, you have to live with yourselves

Only one wish I have for you all, a public airing of your private indiscretions

Understand your need to persecute another for self eminence, your soul will thank you

Bathroom Wisdom Revisited

Peace is rooted in understanding
Understanding is rooted in communication
Communication is rooted in loving trust

~Author Unknown

God's Greatest Gift

First of all
I have no regrets

As I sit here
in my skin

I feel no regrets

That in itself
is progress

I do feel remorse
for any pain
that I have caused

I feel sad for the suffering

But I do not feel regret

It's been about six weeks now
since we stepped onto the playground

Whew...child's play
this has NOT been

Very few fun moments
precious few

A lot of hard work
determination and steadfastness

Damnation, persecution
desperation and anger

Litter the streets of
this very short journey

It's not tidy,
and the wrapping
is certainly not pretty

But every step a gift
that I have been blessed
with the strength to accept

I have felt pain, intense pain
anger, guilt, embarrassment,
betrayal, disillusionment,
astonishment, and ultimately
atonement

I have sat with each of these
familiarized myself with them

Felt the realness, the rawness
the searing burn

I have writhed, bargained
sobbed and questioned

But I have felt
and on my own two feet
I have remained upright

Managing to keep
putting one foot
in front of the other

In the face of
some of the greatest
adversity I have yet to face
in my overindulged life

I feel my warmth
I feel my soul
I feel the goodness that burns inside of me

The goodness that until now only other people could see
the warmth that creates compassion and empathy
genuine concern and sincerity, that's me

I feel me
I feel myself

I love me
I love myself

Thank you God
for allowing
me to see your
greatest gift

Me