Fumbling Toward Acceptance

It hasn't been pretty
and some of my finer moments
have not shown through

I will accept that, however
given the nature of the circumstances
humans do not function at their best when their hearts are breaking

I have been fooling myself
with my eyes wide shut
there have been no illusions here

I have simply focused only on what I wanted to see
blocked out what I didn't
and hoped for what I foolishly thought would be a miracle

I'm not sure whether going through something like this
dramatically changes someone for the good or the bad
or if traits that were always there become more apparent during the fall out

I will probably never know, but either way
once endured, this pain cannot be stricken from memory
scars remain etched like tattoos on the heart, soul and mind

An emotional sword wielded inflicts wounds
every bit as severe as a sword made of steel
tears shed, no blood, but every bit as painful and damaging

I'm tired now, weary and my judgment is waning
I'm hearing things in your voice that simply aren't there
I'm grasping for hope in the most insignificant of gestures

Dignity, self respect and loyalty to ones own self worth
to lose sight of these would mean dying a long, slow, painful death
I must do everything in my power to preserve them

I will never be able to walk among your peers
without knowing that I have been harshly judged and sentenced
by many of whom are guilty of the same, or worse, offenses

I am struggling to go back to a home from which I have been banished
comfort no longer resides there, compassion and love, luxuries of the past
just a pile of burning rubble and shards of glass lay where it used to stand

I must pack up the memories that for now are too painful to recall
everything else I will dispose of or have melded into something new
to symbolize my long awaited acceptance