To Whom These May Concern

Lying is done with words and also with silence.
~Adrienne Rich

Arrogance really comes from insecurity, and in the end
our feeling that we are bigger than others is really the
flip side of our feeling that we are smaller than others.
~Archbishop Desmond TuTu

True friendship can afford true knowledge.
It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.
~Henry David Thoreau

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
~Martin Luther King Jr.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
~Mohandas Gandhi

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.
~George Bernard Shaw

Arrogance and rudeness are training wheels on the bicycle of life -- for weak people who cannot keep their balance without them.
~Laura Teresa Marquez

Sometimes when you try so hard to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, not even yourself.
~Me

Tears

end of a story, fade to black
time to move forward don't look back

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

wash away the pain, cleanse my soul
overflowing sadness, make me whole

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

panic waning, sadness slows
fog is lifting, colors show

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

cleaning the slate
less guilt, less hate

raining grief, cleansing relief

thank you God for

tears

The Bridge Ablaze

The bridge is ablaze

Amidst the flames and ashes

A stronger, more confident person emerges

Co-dependence, indulgence, guilt, obligation

Tossed one by one into the inferno

Standing close enough to feel the heat

Yet far enough away to avoid the searing pain of the burn

I watch as the blazing bridge

Once a brilliant structure

Is reduced to ashes of retribution, immaturity, and contempt

Still clinging to anger and bitterness

Not yet ready to let them go

I choose to watch it burn and not turn away

For I must always remember

It took more than just me to build that bridge

and it took more than just me to tear it down

So during moments of weakness

When I might feel the need to turn around and go back

The image of that burning bridge will serve as a reminder

There is absolutely nothing left to take me back there

Christmas Love

Love is Everything - Jane Siberry

maybe it was to learn how to love
maybe it was to learn how to leave
maybe it was for the games
we played
maybe it was to learn how to choose
maybe it was to learn how to lose
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love made sweet and sad the same
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait 'til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving

maybe it was to learn how to fight
maybe it was for the lesson in pride
maybe it was the cowboys' ways
maybe it was to learn not to lie
maybe it was to learn how to cry
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love did not hold back the reins
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving

*first she turns to you*
*then she turns to her*
*so you try to hurt her back*
*but it breaks your body down*
*so you try to love bigger*
*bigger still*
*but it...it's too late*

so take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
and know you'll never be the same
and find it in your heart to kneel down and say
i gave my love didn't i?
and i gave it big...sometimes
and i gave it in my own sweet time
i'm just leaving

*love is everything*

Today I Am Most Thankful For

My faith

My family

My friends

Inner peace

A wonderful job

Good food prepared by and for the people I love

Warmth

Comfort

Health

Happiness

The angels among us

~I will try hard not to take these things for granted as I enjoy this, my very favorite holiday.

Open Casting Call - Revisited

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Fumbling Toward Acceptance

It hasn't been pretty
and some of my finer moments
have not shown through

I will accept that, however
given the nature of the circumstances
humans do not function at their best when their hearts are breaking

I have been fooling myself
with my eyes wide shut
there have been no illusions here

I have simply focused only on what I wanted to see
blocked out what I didn't
and hoped for what I foolishly thought would be a miracle

I'm not sure whether going through something like this
dramatically changes someone for the good or the bad
or if traits that were always there become more apparent during the fall out

I will probably never know, but either way
once endured, this pain cannot be stricken from memory
scars remain etched like tattoos on the heart, soul and mind

An emotional sword wielded inflicts wounds
every bit as severe as a sword made of steel
tears shed, no blood, but every bit as painful and damaging

I'm tired now, weary and my judgment is waning
I'm hearing things in your voice that simply aren't there
I'm grasping for hope in the most insignificant of gestures

Dignity, self respect and loyalty to ones own self worth
to lose sight of these would mean dying a long, slow, painful death
I must do everything in my power to preserve them

I will never be able to walk among your peers
without knowing that I have been harshly judged and sentenced
by many of whom are guilty of the same, or worse, offenses

I am struggling to go back to a home from which I have been banished
comfort no longer resides there, compassion and love, luxuries of the past
just a pile of burning rubble and shards of glass lay where it used to stand

I must pack up the memories that for now are too painful to recall
everything else I will dispose of or have melded into something new
to symbolize my long awaited acceptance

Greater Ways

I am finding
there are far greater ways
to hurt someone and
damage a relationship
than having an affair

It certainly does have
a more dramatic flare
to say "she cheated on me!!!"
it will definitely summon
a greater number of supporters

Maybe it's those supporters
who lead you to believe
that I have no worth
that my feelings don't matter
that you don't owe me anything

If that's the case
I am truly sorry
for a life of anger and bitterness
is a fate worse than death

My pain will subside and I will move on
I am sad though because these recent memories
are tainting any good memories
that I had of the past 10 years

I don't even know you anymore
I'm sure it wasn't just the affair
that caused this shift in your personality
I've sensed it was there all along

So Funnyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The Presents of Me

Running on a hillside
she and me

Basking in the sunlight
happy and free

No worries, no sadness
just beauty for miles

Warmth and love
giggles and smiles

Flowers of every color and size
on a canvas of green and blue

Dew drops on grass blades
cast prisms of light

Shimmering, glittering
bouncing and bright

Dancing and singing
whirling and twirl

Just me and this magical
whimsical girl

She's happy and brilliant
mysterious and fun

She's creative and caring
considers everyone

At times I lose sight of
her goodness so rare

I must cherish her, keep her
in good loving care

A soul so well meaning
a heart of pure gold

So eager to share
the gifts she beholds

I steady my focus, her image I see
I'm warmed by her presence

The presents of me

Destination Unknown

I recently read a quote
~I really love to read quotes

It read:
"Life is the journey, not the destination"

Since the day I entered this world
I have been in a hurry

As a newborn I had to stay in the hospital
because I tried to finish my bottle all in one gulp

Today, I still eat very fast
seldom taking time enjoy the taste of what I'm eating

I'm finding that I live my life
very much in the same way

Darting from destination to destination
never taking time to enjoy the journey

I've always feared and hated change
maybe I figure the quicker I get where I'm going

The less likely it will be
that I will have to deal with detours in my path

Maybe it's the safety I crave
I feel vulnerable on a journey, less so at a destination

However there is a certain impulsiveness
that comes from being afraid of the journey

If I quickly rush from "here" to "there"
I can spare myself any pain that the journey may afford

There is also a restlessness that comes
from avoiding the journey, missing out on life's experiences

I have at times become obsessive about a destination
causing myself to loose sight of the journey completely

Looking back this has many times been the case
in some of the bad decisions I have made

I have been blessed with the insight
and the wisdom to learn this about myself

Now it's up to me to slow down and walk along side myself
with no preconceived idea or plan

Just me, living for the moment
learning to comfort myself, reveling in my journey

Destination Unknown

21 Years Ago Today

I got married..............Damn

Thoughts on Contempt

Contempt Defined - the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
To hold someone in contempt is to consider them to be unworthy of respect.

Quotes on Contempt

“Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings.” ~Ann Miller, American writer

“Wrongs are often forgiven; contempt never” ~ Lord Chesterfield, British statesman

What Really Matters

Yesterday I was treating a 40 year old woman diagnosed with cervical cancer that had metastasized to her bowl and bladder. After a total hysterectomy, removal of a section of her bowel and her bladder, I stood and watched as she pushed through her emotional and physical pain, simply because she wanted to see her kids grow up.

At that very moment I realized that none of this matters at all. This is just a small bump in my road, not a major life altering event.

Today, I thank God, set down another heavy pack and continue on my journey. For now, I am blessed with health. I am good, well meaning, kind and I am worthy of all these things abundantly in return. Life is just too short.

I'm Alive

The problem with keeping yourself
too protected and never taking any risk

Is that someday, sometime
you have to do it

You have to step outside
of your box and let life happen

It pulls you, calls you
haunts you even

You have to experience
the greatest pain, the most intense joy

The full spectrum of emotion
that life has to offer

It is out of these experiences
that you learn how to cope

You begin to appreciate
that you are a lot stronger
than you give yourself credit for

No one can tell you how it feels
you simply have to live it, create your own life experience

Life is most certainly not a spectator sport
it is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is

I am, however, so thankful to be experiencing it
in all of its confusing, conflicted and painful glory

I feel like I am finally accomplishing something big
something I've been putting off for a very, very long time

I am experiencing life

Painfully enlightening, enchantingly serendipitous
packed with jewels of wisdom and insight

Experiences, my experiences
Trials and errors, good and bad

Their mine, all mine
and I want to feel them all

The searing pain of defeat
the gut wrenching agony of anger

Guilt, elation, love and hate
jealousy, admiration, fear,
contentment, accomplishment,
success and failure

I want to feel, I need to feel
for if I don't feel then I'm not alive

and

I have not been living
for way too long

With Love From Your Biggest Fan

When I think of words to describe you
"self centered" is definitely not one of them

I wouldn't even know where to begin
I don't know what I would have done without you

You always find an encouraging word
even when your own heart is breaking

You have shown me what it means
to be a very true friend, even in the face of adversity

Brave (the nicest thing anyone has ever called me)
That is you sweet girl.....Brave is most certainly you

Also you....
Strong, Kind, Understanding, Determined, Loving, Caring,
Intelligent, Generous, Loyal, Sincere, Giving,
Honest, Responsible, Respectful, Spiritual
and even though you hate it......Sweet ;)

Thank you seems so insignificant
but for you, I am truly thankful

Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
and Always

I am your Biggest Fan!!

Some Observations on Isolation

Isolation....

Working in a hospital I see it all the time. Patients are in isolation rooms for many reasons, mainly to protect them and the people entering the room from germs and the spread of them. It means donning isolation garb, a plastic gown, gloves and a mask before entering the patent's room. You go in with nothing exposed but your neck, eyes, and the back of your head.

Some days, today for example, I wish I could wear isolation garb in every room, in the hallways and the cafeteria even, because I just feel like keeping a barrier between me and the world. Some days are just like that I suppose.

If the poor patient happens to have some really scary disease, like flesh eating bacteria, I am always so very thankful for the extra layer. If they poop I find myself wishing for more gowns, wading boots, a tarp even. Always thankful for that mask when bad smells are lurking.....Oh so thankful. Some of the worst smells ever, in a hospital.

There are times when I am working hard in isolation and I get very sweaty because plastic doesn't breathe. If I get winded, that's no fun either because the only air you have is the last breath you just breathed. It's hot and close and can evoke a sense of panic. I hate that and typically curse having to wear all that gear on those days.

One day I was working with an O.T. and a tech in a nice little old man's room. We were all buzzing around getting things ready to get him up and moving about. He very sweetly called to us. "Can I ask you girls a favor?" he said in a tired, low voice. We all approached his bedside peering down at him. "Would you all take down your masks for just a minute so I can see your faces?" Of course behind each of our masks was the warmest of smiles for this very sweet little man. It's scary enough being in the hospital, it must be really scary to have everyone wear protective gear when they come into your room.

I go through periods where it seems that every patient I have is on isolation and that gets to be a drag, especially if you want to take the patient for a walk outside of the room. Then you have to gown them up too. The patients hate it.

Burn patients are on what's called, reverse isolation. That is to protect them from any germs that people who come in the room might have on their clothes or skin. The procedure is the same; gown, gloves, and mask. I remember my very first burn patient, I was so nervous, he was wrapped in gauze from head to toe like a mummy. They have to be unwrapped and re-wrapped in a special dressing before they can be seen for therapy. I kept having to leave the room for supplies, I must have gowned up 10 times for that one treatment. After I was done with his treatment I smiled and said my usual, "can I get you anything before I go?" Thank God I was wearing a mask when he answered, "I would love a cup of juice please,"so he didn't see my mouth drop at the thought of having to un-gown and re-gown yet one more time.

Oh and one last thing, you haven't truly worked in health care until you have sneezed with a isolation mask on. There just really are no words....

No real point here, just some observations on isolation.

The Sun to Rise Again

With morning comes a new perspective
the sun to rise again

A new day to embrace
a new journey on which to embark

I can finally lay down this pack of burden
guilt, longing, clinging to the past

For the past, as I knew it
is no longer there

The past has now become the present
and it is mine to mold and shape

I will set my sights on the horizon
and the wonderful new adventures that await me

I choose to forgive those who I feel have wronged me
letting go of anger and it's destructive hold

Yes, I am sad
but my heart is light

With a sense of relief
I move on now toward the future
and the wonderful uncertainty it holds

For with each new morning
comes new perspective

The sun to rise again............

I Choose Peace

The time has come
that I must learn
to find my own consolation

In times of discord and uncertainty
the very best I can do
is search within myself for comfort

Acquaintances are quick to offer
judgment and pseudo concern
only to increase the turmoil within

Friends and loved ones lend an ear
genuinely concerned for my well being
but don't truly get to see the picture

The view from where I'm standing
snug inside my own skin
peering out from behind my own eyes

Writhing in my own pain
basking in my own glory
the star of my very own show

I choose.....

When to change the channel
when to turn it off completely
and who gets to attend

I choose.....

How people get to treat me
who I can trust
and where I go from here

I choose.....

To live in Peace

Free Fall

Suspended high above the ground below
I am slowly losing my grip

My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets

My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do

My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like

Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided

I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet

I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue

Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge

I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can

Why can't I just let go?

It's gone, over, done
the PAST

It really is time to just let.......

Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?

Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear

What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?

Who will take care of me?

I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns

My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms

At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE

My Greatest Needs

At a time in my life
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told

"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"

So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care

With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul

Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"

I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them

When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills

Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7

The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children

These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship

For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness


As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same

Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success

The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle

"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.

I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."

God has not failed me
I have not failed myself

It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot

Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal

But in my heart, I know.......

While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way

And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met

My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved

and

The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......

They will do the same for me

Today I Choose.....

To concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past

To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same

To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me

To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend

To be thankful for my family

To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"

To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it

To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for

To believe that anything is possible

To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers

To laugh more

To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while

To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it

To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not

To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too

To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions

To reach out and touch someone with kindness

To not try and fix everything

To listen more

To love myself

Every Shade of Color in Between

Each morning when I hear my alarm
and open my eyes to focus on the day
I know that I have been blessed

Blessed with another opportunity
to soak in the lessons to be learned
from the vastness of living

Another chance to succeed
another chance to fail
but most importantly another chance to try

Sometimes the choices we make
work out beautifully
like a well executed plan

Giving the appearance
that we have mastered this life
and achieved success

Promoting confidence, pride
and a sense of well being
resulting in great happiness

Other times our choices
send life spinning out of control
with not a patch of solid ground in sight

Often inflicting great pain
upon ourselves and others
in the wake of the consequences

This renders us helpless and frail
leaving us to question
our motives, morals, and intellect

If we are lucky enough to survive
from these life altering choices
a gift of great knowledge abounds

For it is these experiences,
both joyful and painfully gut wrenching
that teach us what works, what doesn't

and......

Every shade of color in between

When Sorry Is Not Enough

Throughout my life
sorry has always been enough

It is such a powerful word
when it's said with sincerity

I realize now, however,
that sorry isn't always enough

When you pull the rug
out from under the feet of another

Trample on a heart
as if it were a door mat

Treat a fragile soul
with reckless carelessness

"I'm Sorry" seems almost insulting

"Time heals all things"
I have heard that saying so many times

Never once did I take a moment
to ponder what that might imply

"Actions speak louder than words"
another redundant phrase never pondered

In a situation such as this I am finding
that I must first forgive myself

I then must adjust my actions
to reflect my sorrow and pray

That time really does heal things
when sorry is not enough

Grey's Wisdom

Smooth rides make for boring stories
A little calamity, that's worth talking about

My Sea

Swells of emotion of every sort
surging like waves methodically crashing
on the white sandy beaches that line my soul

Just as I get my footing, begin to stand
another wave breaks at my feet
toppling me, again

Into the sea, my sea

A sea, at times so peaceful
it appears to be an unending sheet
of the most beautiful Satin

A sea, at times so turbulent,
it takes every bit of strength
just to keep my balance

The vastness of the spectrum is exhausting
it takes my breath, renders me delicate
yet empowered

For I am at the helm of this vessel,
chosen to navigate these waters
by an all knowing spirit

One who would never trust
a vessel such as this
to the weak or feeble

I CAN do this!

A Gift in the Truest Sense

Every now and again in this life
we are fortunate enough to run into people
who just get it

They inherently know when we just need
an extra bit of understanding
a smile, a nod, a kind word, a soft hand

Even when they don't truly understand
just the fact that they act like they do
is so very comforting

Most often we don't have any idea
what another soul is experiencing
actually it's not our job to know

But the truest gifts are bestowed
by those who don't question
but simply realize

That the most sincere understanding
is acknowledging, without judging
what is not understood at all

Dear God

Please take the past from me.
I was careless with the heart of another, which I regret.
I go back to that moment,
And I give it to You.
Please, dear God,
Make right my wrongs
And take away my sorrow.
Forgive me, please.
May I begin again.
Amen.

The Voyage

One ship goes North and another South

'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales

That determine the way they go

Like the ships at sea, are the ways of fate

As we voyage along through life

'Tis the set of the soul that decides the goal

And not the calm or strife

~Author Unknown

Oh What A Difference Professionalism Makes

Wow! How blind we become
to absolutely inadequate management

I have learned more in the past 3 days
than I learned in the past 4 months
well, physical therapy related information, anyway

I mean, far be it from me to tell someone
how to manage their department

But

For some reason I don't think mastering school girl clique management
is something the APTA is really concerned about

Written rules and regulations
with documented consequences

Policies, manuals, protocols, documenting what you do
bless the brilliant soul who came up with those ideas

As opposed to just making some shit up
if you don't like someone's personal choices

At least that way you have a snowballs chance in hell
to know if you're COMIN' or GOIN'
Best of all, the same rules apply to EVERYONE

From the big mouthed, blond haired, drunk
to the terminally miserable, mayonnaise monger
everyone is held to the same standard

No chance of being terminated for doing something
that is apparently only acceptable for the inner circle
of which you are no longer a member

What a novel idea to verify someone's skills
before turning them loose on some unsuspecting patient

I could have dropped one and it would have had less impact
than me stepping out the back door to listen to a voice mail

It amazes me the amount of money that some people are paid
to be glorified preschool teachers, crappy ones at that

I digress, but only for a moment

Favorite Quotes by Mohandas Gandhi

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings.

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

Open Casting Call

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Touche'

If we knew each others secrets,
what comforts we should find.

~John Churton Collins

Who Knew?

Normal by definition: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

I don't think that conforming to a standard is what I'm longing for

Usual, typical, expected, that sounds more like it

I can't really ever remember a time in my life when things weren't

Usual

Typical

Expected

Ironic, given that my persona is "Anything But Ordinary"

Seek the unusual

Avoid typical

Expect the unexpected

It is Usual to get up and go to work

It is Typical to work a full day and come home exhausted

It is Expected that a paycheck will be in the bank every two weeks

The Universe can have quite an interesting sense of humor, yes?

The very things you loath can become the very things you crave at any given moment

Usual

Typical

Expected

Who Knew?

Life's Rough Road

Sometimes in life we experience bumps in the road
bumps that sometimes knock us completely off course

Even if the course we were on was a really good one
we still get side tracked and suffer set backs

I can't be sure but I think sometimes these bumps
help us to appreciate our previous and present courses

So that we don't get too comfortable in our travels
for if the road becomes too familiar we may stop paying attention

As soon as we stop paying attention a collision is eminent
causing sometimes irreparable damage to our current course

Occasionally our previous course can be retrieved and repairs made
with work one may never even know that a collision has occurred

Sadly enough we don't realize that we have stopped watching for bumps
until we have a really big collision then it's often too late

A Scandal and a Scorn to All Who Look on Thee

Why can't I just forget about it
keep it out of my head

Probably because it has shaken me
down to my very foundation

Decisions that I make in my personal life
should never, ever effect my professional life

It's wrong, just plain wrong
on so many levels

Tried and convicted by a jury of my peers
peers that have no right to judge me or anyone else

The ultimate sentence carried out by my boss
someone who is supposed to act responsibly, professionally

I am so naive to think that things like this don't happen
taking a hit that left a gaping hole in my confidence

The hole shows, in my interviews
my confidence waining with each passing day

I'm so sick of going on interviews
tired of sitting once again in judgment

People ask me why I am so angry
I'm angry because of God damned judgmental people who act like that I am the only person in the fucking world who has ever made a mistake

Judge not, lest ye be judged
Judge not, lest ye be judged

I didn't slaughter or massacre
I didn't maim or dismember

For crying out loud
I'm a human fucking being

I don't deserve to be ignored
Made to feel guilty at every turn

I do take responsibility for my actions
I do admit to causing pain and I'm sorry for that

But I never professed to be without fault
without sin

Why am I being crucified
stoned, tarred and feathered,
lynched, persecuted, ostracized

FUCK

I'm just a mere mortal, human, learning lessons as I go along, just like everyone else

Would somebody just cut me some fucking slack here
just back the fuck off for awhile

The Faces of Evil

Wicked

Malignant

Vicious

Destructive

Harmful

Hurtful

Injurious

Detrimental

Deleterious

Ruinous

Nasty

Horrible

Foul

Disgusting

Bad

Wrong

Corrupt

Depraved

Vicious

Malicious

Diabolical

Shocking

Despicable

Atrocious

Broken

I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore
the worst feeling in the world
very isolating, so alone

Worse, I don't even trust myself
in this house of mirrors
that's become my life

A mirror at every turn,
I find myself standing in front of
struggling to recognize the distorted figure

I've traveled miles
but have gotten nowhere

Endured unimaginable pain
scars in various stages of healing

I never asked to be examined
under a microscope

To have every personal detail
and indiscretion of my life
aired for the world to see

To judge...

Ironically there's a lot to judge
considering the lack of experience under the Personal
Relationships heading on my life's resume

Bad judgment on my part, luck of the draw
who knows, I press on

My nature has always been to trust
once I've let someone in anyway

I guess my not letting many people in
is why that Personal Relationships heading
on my life's resume is so short

I'm not discriminatory,
just very, very cautious

Ever terrified of feeling
the way I do right now

Standing vulnerable in front
of yet another distorted mirror

Broken

I Always Knew.......

You would let me go easily.

You could be very hateful if crossed.

You would completely shut me out.

I never imagined.....

You would stop at nothing for revenge.

It's so unbecoming, but it has made my decision so much easier.

If You Live in Glass Houses........

Face to face friends wielding knives, it can work, if you don't turn your back

Unbecoming, this behavior of supposed professionals, worse yet, church goers

Casting of stones by those who apparently have no past indiscretions, how original

Karma, what goes around comes back around, you can count on it

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will come, I will move on, you have to live with yourselves

Only one wish I have for you all, a public airing of your private indiscretions

Understand your need to persecute another for self eminence, your soul will thank you

Bathroom Wisdom Revisited

Peace is rooted in understanding
Understanding is rooted in communication
Communication is rooted in loving trust

~Author Unknown

God's Greatest Gift

First of all
I have no regrets

As I sit here
in my skin

I feel no regrets

That in itself
is progress

I do feel remorse
for any pain
that I have caused

I feel sad for the suffering

But I do not feel regret

It's been about six weeks now
since we stepped onto the playground

Whew...child's play
this has NOT been

Very few fun moments
precious few

A lot of hard work
determination and steadfastness

Damnation, persecution
desperation and anger

Litter the streets of
this very short journey

It's not tidy,
and the wrapping
is certainly not pretty

But every step a gift
that I have been blessed
with the strength to accept

I have felt pain, intense pain
anger, guilt, embarrassment,
betrayal, disillusionment,
astonishment, and ultimately
atonement

I have sat with each of these
familiarized myself with them

Felt the realness, the rawness
the searing burn

I have writhed, bargained
sobbed and questioned

But I have felt
and on my own two feet
I have remained upright

Managing to keep
putting one foot
in front of the other

In the face of
some of the greatest
adversity I have yet to face
in my overindulged life

I feel my warmth
I feel my soul
I feel the goodness that burns inside of me

The goodness that until now only other people could see
the warmth that creates compassion and empathy
genuine concern and sincerity, that's me

I feel me
I feel myself

I love me
I love myself

Thank you God
for allowing
me to see your
greatest gift

Me

Here I Am

Running, all day running
trying to out run my feelings

Searching, all day searching
for something else to occupy my mind

Resting, all day resting
from the exhaustion of so much emotion in such a short time

Writing, all day writing
hoping that you might read me

Longing, all day longing
for something to make this feel right

My Little Fire

For quite some time now
I've had this fire

The most subtle little fire
with a steady ember

Warming my soul

Through all the chaos
and all the pain

This little fire
never lost it's strength

Although not always familiar
it was ever constant

Day or Night
Alone or with another

I felt a warmth
in a place I never knew existed

A place that I had only begun
to explore

Now

For a time the light
from this fire must be dimmed

Shadowing once again
this newly awakened place in my soul

Casting a chill
over it's very existence

Although I understand
and know what must be done

It doesn't ease
the sudden surge of cold

or

The intense fear
that I may never know that warmth again

Never allowing me to return
to that place in my soul

That I wanted so badly
to explore

I am trying to have faith
to be patient

For I have to know
that this fire, this warmth

Burns for me, purely, honestly
so not to cast a daily shadow on another

Happiness.....

I don't want to be responsible for that of another

I simply want to revel in it

I Feel....

breathless, like someone punched me hard in the chest

contempt, for the victory of controlling people

pain, as I have never felt before

fatigue, as I have been treading trodden trails for a long, long time

sadness, just so much sadness

anger, at manipulation and control

fear, of never being seen again

thankful, for the time we shared

It just hurts really bad.

Independence by Definition

The fact or state of being independent.

self-government,
self-rule,
home rule,
separation,
self-determination,
sovereignty,
autonomy,
freedom,
liberty,
comfort,
ease.

Control by Definition

The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.

be in charge of
run,
manage,
direct,
administer,
head,
preside over,
supervise,
superintend,
steer,
command,
rule,
govern,
lead,
dominate,
hold sway over,
be at the helm; informal head up,
be in the driver's seat,
run the show,
restrain,
keep in check,
curb,
check,
contain,
hold back,
bridle,
rein in,
suppress,
repress,
master.

Perceptions of a Perceptive Soul

"Your personal intensity that houses both a shy
insecurity with a powerful knowledge of yourself
that you struggle to accept and reject at the
same time"

~Thank you

This Invisible Scarlet Letter

Especially tricky
for I don't know who can see it

When I approach a seemingly kind face
all I can do is wonder

Difficult to focus on a conversation
seeking out the loyal

Their numbers decreasing
with each passing day

It's like searching
for a place to hide

In a stark white
empty room

Every place
a backdrop

For this
blood red letter

Assigned to me
by those so fortunate
to be free of fault

Living in Parallels

Witnessing the struggle
to end a sacred bond

A holding place of commitment
that no longer embraces comfort

Pondering the consequences
of withering a soul

I was there
though in my youth

and

Today

Although the view
from a new vantage point

No less painful
from a different angle

Then intersecting
Now Parallel

She waited
more patiently at first

The loving soul
who came for me

Quietly sitting
until I could, would
come to her

Share myself
with her

Give to her
my most elusive gift

Time
precious and unreserved

Just Time

A witness
to the pain in her eyes

When the hand that constantly swept
over our time together

Came to rest
on the limitations of the day

She learned to read
my body language

Anticipating when it
was time for me to go

Her body would tense
in preparation for the blow

For today
I am the waiting

The one craving
time

The one who tenses
when the conversation
approaches an end

Begging that sweeping hand to stop
if only for a day

So much more painful
my own pain

Coupled with the pain
of knowing all to well
how she must have felt

Still intersecting
Now parallel

Celebrating Us

We did have so many
wonderful times together

Never in my life
have I experienced
so much with one person

I want to thank you
for helping me grow

For showing me a light
that I never knew existed

For helping me find a path
to believe in myself

I know that you are hurting now
and for that my heart aches

Please know that I am truly
grateful for everything
that you have given me

And that it was never
my intention to hurt you

I'm sure that you can't
see past any of this right now

But I truly feel that you and I
will have a life long bond

I want to be here for you
when you are ready to let me

My dream is to laugh with you again someday
to celebrate us

Comforting Words From My Father

Sobbing "Trust me dad, this isn't anything that you want to be involved in."

"Anything that affects you is something that I want to be involved in."

Thank you dad,
tonight I very
much needed
those words.

Tonight I very much needed support
and you were there for me,
thank you.

Cyclone of Diligence

You keep saying
we were never a couple

I always saw us as a couple
everyone else did too

Where we reside doesn't
make or not make us a couple

It simply puts me
where you want me

Couples disagree, we disagreed
Couples laugh, we laughed

But somewhere along the way
the laughing stopped

Our love ceased to be carefree
ceased to be simple and easy

There is no blame to lay
it simply changed

Perhaps each of us with different needs

Mine to be stress free and unencumbered
Yours to be solid and fixed

I understand your need for stability
your need for a commitment

I made a commitment
and a lot of promises

All of which I meant
and intended to keep

I tried hard to endear myself to your family
to be all the things that my predecessor was not

They extended themselves to me
and I, myself to them

But somehow it just never seemed enough
I felt the weight of expectation

At times the frustration of fading obscurely into the background
as you dutifully almost obsessively tended to their needs

Tending to everyones needs
at the expense of your own

Generous to a fault
if you can ever fault a person for being generous

However, it can't be healthy to always put
another's needs above your own

Your mother's, your lover's,
your co-worker's, your friend's,
your sibling's, your father's,
your stepmother's and on and on

You cease to exist if you fulfill
everyone else's needs before your own

It takes all of your energy
to be absolutely diligent
in every aspect of your life

Perhaps I feared being
drawn into that cyclone of diligence

Where everything and everyone
is tended to impeccably

I'm still trying to learn
how to tend to myself

It's Only Shock

It's not numbness

Thank you God, it's not numbness

So many

Very bizarre

Things

Have occurred

Over the past week

Out of the blue

Without warning

I'm in shock

It's only shock

Being called a white trash whore
in the parking lot of Starbucks.....Shocking

Being called on the carpet at my job
about my role in a lesbian scandal.....Shocking

Being called to appear
on the Jerry Springer Show.....Eminent

But at least I'm not numb

Numb

If I had to sum this day up in a sentence
it would be "stop this ride, I want to get off"

I think I may have felt like this one other time in my life
when I went on the tea cup ride with my best friend
and we spun and spun and spun until we finally
puked up popcorn and blue cotton candy

It took a few hours for the world to stop spinning
before we felt like eating carnival food again

Somehow I think this round of spinning
might take a little bit longer to shake off

On the bright side, I won't be puking popcorn and blue cotton candy
But on the other hand, I'm an adult now and should have a lot better sense

The stakes are higher the consequences much more severe
What started out so innocently has grown to such epidemic proportions
I can't see over it, around it or under it

Worse, I can't understand it

I don't have any real answer to give anyone accept "I don't know"

I feel like my whole life I have been longing, very simply, to be loved

I have now hurt the one person in my life, by whom I have truly felt loved
quite possibly beyond repair

I have longed to be happy at my job for the past eight years
and for the past three months I have found that happiness

I have now put that job in jeopardy, something I have never, ever done before

I have never been a risk taker, I have always avoided conflict, always chosen the
path of least resistance

In the past three weeks I have assessed more risk, encountered more conflict and
traveled on a path that even the craziest of thrill seekers couldn't stomach

WOW.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I spending too much time behind four walls

or

Maybe I need to spend some time behind padded walls

I feel scared
I feel sad
I feel guilt, a lot of guilt
I feel insecure
in the spotlight
under the gun
embarrassed
humiliated
out of control
exhausted

but the feeling that scares me the most

NUMB

Only Human

I

am

however

only

human.


Pseudo

catholic

school

girl

guilt

ridden

human.


But

human

none the less.

Railroad Wings

And as far as I can tell,
most everything
means nothing
Except some things
that mean everything

~Patty Griffin

Painful Truth

standing in truth
once a dream

now a reality
knee deep

forced truth
but none the less

truth

casualties many
honor a memory

respect eludes me
self respect

as I walk through
this mine field of broken souls

I am flooded
with emotion, with disbelief

how can one peace seeking soul
inflict this much pain
on so many

one who quests for safety
who craves companionship

be this vulnerable
be this alone

no comforting smiles
no happy ever after

just me
for whom I've lost respect

standing knee deep
in truth

painful truth

alone....

Nothing But

a
fucking
fool

Help!

I prayed this morning
asked for guidance

Guidance in these
issues I ponder

In the past
I have found

That I often inadvertently
ignore guidance

Maybe not knowing
if it's just an obstacle

or

The true guidance
of my God

I suppose that doesn't say
much about my faith

About my character

I wonder sometimes
if my attempt
to not hurt anyone
is actually hurting everyone

Here I sit, it a position
to hurt so many people
and I can't see the guidance

I can't hear the word of God
I need help here

Can somebody please help?

Beautiful Flower

It was strikingly exotic, yet vaguely familiar

It had a tall, thick stalk like a sunflower

The vibrant color and splendor of a tulip

The soft alluring fragrance of a rose

Yet it's bloom looked like the bird of paradise

It was standing smartly, almost confident
in it's presentation

The image of a peaceful and spledid bird
perched atop a tall tree

It's radiance drawing in the passerby
like pollen draws a bee

I approached it cautiously
as not to disturb the earth around it

The most splendid and compelling
flower I had ever seen

I was certain that it must belong
to someone

For something so beautifully flourishing
must require great care and nurturing

I found myself going out of my way
to stand in it's presence

Even if only for a moment

In awe of Mother Nature
and her artistic wizardry

I began to imagine taking a spade
to this captivating masterpiece

Gently unearthing it

Carefully relocating it

So that I may enjoy and revel
in it's beauty

Nurture it, and
care for it as my own

But that would be self serving

Only to rob another of it's
elegance and beauty

The Worry Bag

I wear this bag around my neck
that no one else can see

Unadorned and simple
constructed purposefully

Most times heavy, sometimes light
This bag of mine holds fear

For when my soul gets cluttered
and angst filled thoughts appear

I take these stones of worry
and toss them in my bag

Praying they will disappear
these endless pesky nags

These stones of worry smoulder
growing heavier by the day

Until they finally drag me down
and all my strength gives way

My heart grows weary, my soul askew
my eyes well up with rain

Every fiber pulsing with
unrelenting pain

It's then I know to take my bag
and dump it on a table

To sift and sort and rid myself
of those which I am able

Tiny Irony

Steel blue eyes
Locks of golden blond

Lips pink and full
Cheeks rosy and round

The cutest little red dress
with sandals to match

A small white barrette
clasped a lock of her golden hair

Shy at first
Yet quick to warm

Let me hold her
play with her
show her the water

Giggled with tickles
then sleepily laid her head
on my shoulder

One delicate hand
clenching my shirt

The other, her tattered
pink bunny

The cutest little girl
her name, Emma

Kaleidoscope

I want to understand
it's beauty and brilliance

It captivates me
the boundless color
and luminosity

Ever changing
yet always splendid
perfection

My gaze intent
trying to find

a scheme

a blueprint

a pattern

a plan

Longing to posses
the power to recreate

The exquisite image
that evades me
with every revolution

In the blink of an eye
each vision a memory

To render me pining
for "the way it used to be"

All the while missing the vitality
of "the way it is"

How much splendor
does this writer
actually miss

In an effort to
find

a scheme

a blueprint

a pattern

a plan

Sit now and
enjoy the brilliance
of the Kaleidoscope

Be thankful for each
revolution

No longer pining for
that which has passed

For beauty need not
be possessed or understood
to be appreciated

Dances with Me

Try

Please Try

To be more independent

Be

Just Be

Comfortable in your own skin

Trust

With All Your Heart Trust

That your best is good enough

Know

Always Know

That at the end of every day
the one most importantly satisfied
is yourself

Enjoy

Learn to Enjoy

Your own company

Fly

Fly Free

And never question
whether or not you can

Comfort

Comfort is so warm
and inviting
yet so dangerous

Like an addiction

It feels so good
but can be so
destructive at
the same time

It sneaks up
without warning

The fact that we
seek it, desire it
crave it even

Avoiding conflict,
stifled thoughts and
detours

All in an attempt
to remain comfortable

Discomfort awakens
our senses

We become very AWARE that
we are not comfortable

It's not pleasant
so we immediately take
steps to try to comfort
ourselves

Human instinct, like
a baby sucking her thumb

But to seek comfort too quickly
robs one of a most valuable
part of their journey

The part that teaches humility,
appreciation, endurance
and strength

A familiar comfortable place
is good but should not
be sought for hiding

A place to seek refuge from
the journey to be traveled

For to become too comfortable
is to become complacent

Blessings, loved ones,
and even ourselves
can be taken for granted

We must sit in our discomfort
sometimes and become familiar
with our senses

To reap the many lessons
that come from doing so

To truly get to know
ourselves

There...

I see it
even though
you may not
want me to

your vulnerability

I respect it
envy it, am
inspired by it

your truth

It peaks my
curiosity,
not so unlike
my own

your darkness

I value it,
cherish it,
am thankful for it

your friendship

It Would Appear

It would appear
that a troubled soul
is best kept
by a peaceful soul

It would appear

Happy Valentines Day

A lot of love

A little bit of quite

The house is still crying

But tonight my heart is peaceful

Will Somebody Please Take Me Home

I woke up this morning
wondering how in the
hell did I ever get here

What a cluster fuck
mother-in-laws and manic
insignificant others

Blaring television
screaming of normal
conversation

Bitching
non-stop bitching
moaning
complaining

A stranger in
my own home

A home that doesn't
feel like mine at all

Never has, never will

I feel like I am
freaking losing
my mind

Maybe I'll shave my head
and bash in someones car
window with an umbrella

Might as well I feel
like I'm headed
for the psyche ward
anyway

I suppose it might
be quiet there

Security and peace
that's all I wanted
at 19 years old

What an ass

I've been holding
on to THIS for
dear life

20 years of my
dear life

Scared to death
to let it go
because it's
what I know

Leaking leaking
forever leaking
I think this house
is crying

Crying on the inside
just like me

I wanna go home
I don't know where that is
but I wanna go home now

Will Somebody Please Take Me Home

Darting Through Life

My strategy
sling em'
and hope
they stick
on the board

To some
however
a highly
competitive
and precise
game of skill

I liken a
good game
of darts
to life

Sometimes
you can
just sling
shit out there
with no regard
for where it
lands (like on
the swing)

Refreshing yes
always appropriate
well......no

Then there
are the times
in life when
words and
actions must
be well thought
out and perfectly
executed

A lot of times
very much untrue
to our own
characteristics

Be that as it may
sometimes we have
to play "the game"
and be good at it

Making sure that
our darts land
where they were
intended

Other times we
can approach
"the game" with
reckless abandon

Being careful
of course
that stray
darts don't
injure anyone

As with life

Some people
are really
very good
at it

Others just
have fun
and cause
a ruckus to
distract
from the fact
that they really
have no clue
what they're doing

The Power of Words

Truthful jabs
words as weapons

More painful
than a knife

Small shards of
stifled feelings

Escape the
pressure filled
confines of the
heart

Creating a subtle
yet powerful
impact

Disguised as
playful

Often accompanied
by laugher

To further pad
the sharp edges

An attempt at
communication

A subtle
retaliation

Tolerance
on the wane

Hard to say

But this
I know

I am ever
enamored
by the

Simplicity

yet

Unbridled
power

Concealed
in

WORDS

Please God, Let Them See the Train

Children, offspring
a powerful lot
they are

Capable of eliciting
the most intense
of emotions

From the moment
of their arrival
a veritable
cornucopia of
emotions ensue

From the most joyous joy
to the angriest of angry
and every emotion in between

There are precious few
experiences in this life

That will educe the most
proud sense of accomplishment

And

The most painful, searing
sting of inadequacy

Quite possibly
all in a single day

Ever growing individuals
yet extensions of ourselves

They display
some of our
very best qualities

Compassion, Empathy, Thoughtfulness

But they are also constant
reminders of some
of our worst

Disorganization, Discontentment, Inattentiveness

Having already traveled
so many of life's roads

We bear the scars
and harbor memories
of the pain that
these characteristics
have caused us in the past

Being unable to reason
with a child
on his own
journey
down these
well traveled
roads

Is such a painful plight

Frustrating at best
because the knowledge
we have to share
is invaluable

Yet we couldn't seem
more dense to our children

"You just don't get it"
reverberates in my head

Imagine yourself looking down
from a two story window
that has been painted shut

Seeing a person that you would
give your life for standing
on a set of railroad tracks

Behind him, a silent speeding
train approaching

He won't hear you
the window won't open

All you can do is watch
and hope that he eventually
figures out that a train
is coming

Please God, let them
eventually see the train

The Journey

Some of us spend our whole lives
worrying about what others
will think

Weighing every word
before it passes
our lips

We work so hard
to make the bright things
shine brighter

And the big things
seem even bigger

We struggle to keep
skeletons well out of view

Neatly tucked away
behind our cashmere
sweaters and unused
bowling balls

Pride our most
sacred possession
we guard it like the
Hope Diamond

We walk through
life oblivious
to the constant
ticking

The ticking
of the clock

Even the most
efficient of time
managers are
unaware

That with every day
we live

The less time
we have left to live

Each tick brings us closer
to a time and a place
where we may lose
some of our dignity

A time when we may
have to let go of some
of our pride

As scary as it seems

It is also a place
of refreshing simplicity

A smile, a hug or
a cookie become
some of life's most
treasured things

It is no longer considered
taboo to speak your mind

In fact, sometimes it even
makes people smile

Small milestones become
monumental achievements

A nap is one of life's greatest
pleasures

Loss of independence
life's greatest fear

Live not with worry
obsessed with the ticking

Live with compassion and
empathy for those
who are at the end
of their journey

For
someday
you
too
will
be
at
the
end
of
yours

The Elephant at Our Table

They know,
but across from them, he doesn't know.
Next to the one that doesn't know, sits his mother,
she doesn't know either.

Next to me, he knows, but chooses not to.
Across from me, he knows because he is too.
Next to him, sits his mother, who knows of
we, but not of he.

There's an elephant at our table,
it's big, it's ugly, it's real.

It's not an elephant in the truest sense,
it's a lie I try to conceal.

One day I want to dismiss this beast,
send it on it's way.

But for now I'll have to save it a seat,
on every holiday.

The Music in Me

I have loved music
for as far back as
I can remember

Music has always
provided an escape for me,
a place to hide

I could climb into a song
any song and briefly
make it my life

Darkness when I felt dark
passion when I needed love
an anthem when I had a cause

I never could really sing
although I loved it
and did it all the time, it felt so good

Looking back on my life,
I haven't lived a day
without music in some form

Today I still love music
and there's nothing better than a song
I can really climb into

But I don't hide anymore,
I just climb inside and enjoy the ride
like a surfer enjoys a good wave

The Best Christmas Ever

why oh why can't Christmas be
more than presents and a decorated tree

kindness, giving, thinking of others
spending time with children and lovers

instead it's chaos, traffic, errands and dread
there are no sugar plumbs dancing in my head

it's the most exhausting time of year
party after party spreading holiday cheer

an outfit for this, an outfit for that
Christmas cookies everywhere, fat fat fat

my ideal Christmas would be,
just my lover, by boys and me

in a little log cabin, with a fireside glow
on a mountain overlooking the city below

a hand picked tree about three foot tall
with hardly any decorations at all

the crackling of logs burning, the lights turned low
all warm and snuggly after playing in the snow

the smell of cedar from a wood burning stove
enjoying the thought of having nowhere to go

roasting marshmallows in the fire place
never ending smiles on each and every face

when the evenings through and we retire to bed
memories of this wonderful day are all that's in our heads

exhausted sleep in my lover's arms, there's truly nothing better
the perfect end to the perfect day, the best Christmas ever

The Guards

It's out
It's real
Ripped from the darkest place
Where I store all my fears
And it’s playing on every channel
On my tv, on my radio

That dark place where I keep my fears
Is heavily guarded
Guarded by denial, innocence, and naivete
3 guards that let me believe, this can't happen here

People like you and me
Living in the streets
No food, water, medication, sanitation
A literal hell on earth

It’s too much to take in
I try to be there, to feel
What it must be like
To have no base, safe haven, no shelter

My first 38 years washed away with the tide
Everything I've built, earned, saved and been given
Gone…..Just the clothes on my back and the memories in my head
No greater test of faith and strength

The teary eyes of my starving child
My parent's last suffering breath
Nature's fury has taken everything I have
and now it's trying to take my soul

Would I make it? I’d like to think I would
Sitting here at my computer
With all the comforts of home
I’d like to think I would

Those guards, denial, innocence, naivete
Their good, good at what they do.

When We Make Love

I love to watch you when we make love
the glow of your skin as you hover above
your eyes like a window, a view to your soul
I feel your heart beating, passion taking control

It's a journey we're on, it's just you and me
so loving and gentle, unbridled and free
we're partners, lovers, soulmates and friends
how could this be a love God didn't intend

The room becomes muted, colorless and still
the world becomes distant and genderless at will
a moment in time with no judgement or hate
just you and me and the love that we create

It seems like days we're away from the world
the pleasure, the wanting the passion unfurled
when ecstasy wanes, color and sound recur
we lay in residual weakness, all discernments a blur

She Completes Me

Me, sometimes dark
She, always looks to the light

Me, messy, jagged edges
She, perfect right angles

Me, spoiled, never made to want
She, grew up without, appreciates

Me, cautious, afraid of change
She, will try and never let you know she thought twice

Me, not sure what it means to be a true friend
She, amazes me with her kindness and generosity

Me, a better person for having known her
She, completes me

Real

It seems so hard to stay real
in a world that places
so much emphasis on the ideal.
just be yourself I'm told
what's on the inside is the beauty you behold

That beauty, they say, that's under the skin
the beauty that stays so locked deep within
it gets overlooked by a society unwilling to try
to look further than what is pleasing to the eye

The soul that's within needs no brushing or color
it just needs the love and compasion of another
to flourish and grow beyond all of it's bounds
gets lost under features, hair styles, and pounds

All of these pleasures the world likes to see
we wear on the outside like ornaments on a tree
slow down take a moment to stop and discover
the beauty that lies beneath the surface of another

Heart Cracked and Spidered

Heart cracked and spidered
like the windshield of a car
Still there and beating
bearing multiple scars

It's owner lumbers on
through lifes daily grind
going through motions
pushing pain from the mind

Tear drops headed off
with each blink of an eye
like wiper blades on a window
clearing a view to the sky

A heart cracked and spidered
Although easy to hide
Becomes a burden on a soul
And starts to eat away pride

What is our existence
Why are we here
Through a heart cracked and spidered
the view is not clear

Although the heart is strong enough
To push through vital blood
A Heart cracked and spidered
Will not withstand a flood

Happily Ever After

Just a shadow of my former self
looking back now seems surreal
so tortured and alone then
not capable to feel

Sitting at the kitchen table
laughing so hard it hurt
I got this funny feeling
it felt familiar but I couldn't be sure

Days went by I found myself
wondering, thinking, dreaming
some very unfamiliar things
that strangely seemed appealing

My thoughts at first were not of sex
the visions in my head
were of us simply snuggling
laying in her bed

That's all I needed and I hoped
that she would need that too
I thought of ways to ask her
so she wouldn't think I was a fool

Who in the world would ask someone
to which she was attracted
if she would go to bed with you
but leave her trousers fastened

Each night in bed all by myself
my mind would start to wander
and every night I'd let her go
just a little farther

Alright, ok, this could work
I guess we could undress
oh God, what am I thinking
I would be such a mess

It was nice to dream a bit
at home, tucked in my bed
but this was me, miss play it safe
this affair stays in my head

I tried to stop it, pushed you away
by telling you I had nothing to offer
but as those words passed through my lips
I could feel my heart growing softer

Strange sometimes how life unfolds
as we tear ourselves apart
can you believe my happily ever after
was determined by a dart

Past, Present, and Future

eating pizza in bed
after we made love

making love again
when we were through

staring at each other
from across the classroom

you wiping away my tears
making me feel secure

things I love
about the way we were

giggling in bed
before we make love

making jokes over iced tea
at the dinner table

subtle touches
while we're shopping

stolen kisses
in the car

things I love
about the way we are

running a house
partners full time

talking about our day
in bed every night

good morning kisses
before brushing our teeth

falling asleep
intertwined you and me

things I love
about the way we'll be

Happy Birthday to Me

I am continually amazed and thankful for the wisdom that comes with age. I turned forty this year and I have to say that it wasn’t one of my favorite birthdays. Quite honestly, I was in a funk for a few days before and after “the big day.” There is absolutely nothing that sounds fun and cute about being forty years old, but I have ultimately realized, while forty may not be cute, there is a distinct wisdom that comes packaged with having lived almost half a century. When I look back over my life, some things just make so much more sense now. Events in my life that tormented and terrorized me when I was younger seem so insignificant to me now. Most of the things on which I placed insurmountable importance when I was in my twenties and thirties, I couldn’t care less about today.

One period of time in my life stands out among the rest as one of the most traumatic and life changing. I was in my late twenties and I had two small boys ages two and four. I took every aspect of being a mother very, very seriously and I put a lot of pressure on myself to make them and everything for them, perfect.

My parents were going through a divorce after a very rocky twenty six year marriage. It certainly wasn’t any big surprise and being that my sister and I were adults, I honestly thought that their divorce would be just a mere technicality, the signing of papers. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. The divorce started out bad and quickly took a turn for the worst. Each side set up their own camp and the unfortunate casualties, caught in the cross fire, were forced to choose sides. When I refused to choose, I became public enemy number one, a traitor. The fighting between camps was unbearable and I would get weekly phone calls from family members telling me what an unappreciative, insensitive, horrible person I was, with no regard for anyone but myself.

I was mortified at how hateful and vindictive these people who had raised me could be. The people who told me they would always love me, no matter what. The very people who convinced me that, “you can’t count on anyone in this life but your family,” had turned on me like a pack of vicious dogs fighting over a piece of bloody meat. I was absolutely devastated.

Having troubles in my own nine year marriage, on top of everything else, made me feel like I was living in a pressure cooker. I did pretty well for about a year and then the weight of the constant stress started to take it’s toll. I started having frequent, severe, anxiety attacks. These attacks caused a feeling of sheer terror and panic, equivalent to the feeling of being on a doomed airliner or being trapped, with little air, in a small space underground. Most unfortunate was that every time one of these attacks would occur, the overwhelming feeling of impending doom was so severe that there was no meditation, breathing technique, or rationalization that was going to convince me otherwise. All of my senses were heightened and my body’s fight or flight response was on full throttle. Heart racing, sweaty palms, trembling, darting eyes, shortness of breath, rising heat from head to toe and tingling hands would precede an escalating feeling that I had to get out of wherever I was or I would absolutely lose control.

The attacks started out relatively mild but quickly progressed to a debilitating level. At my worst point I didn’t want to leave the house at all, I was absolutely terrified of these attacks. I did leave the house, because I had to, but I cried all the time and was so anxious, even when I was at home. I started pacing, because I was too anxious to sit or lay down, I literally trembled inside and out, all day, every day. I couldn’t sleep, I stopped eating and began losing weight, a lot of weight. With my functional ability so obviously declining, I obsessively worried about my children. What were they going to do without me? Who would take care of them? What would they think when they were told that their mother lost her mind? I was unaware that it was thoughts like these that were fueling my anxiety

My primary care doctor was prescribing me one antidepressant after another and nothing seemed to be helping. In fact, some of them actually made things worse. One of my dear friends finally intervened and got me an appointment with a Psychiatrist. She drove me to the appointment, I can remember that ride like it was yesterday. Sobbing uncontrollably, I just knew that as soon we stepped foot in that office they were going to throw a straight jacket on me and transport me straight to the nearest psychiatric ward. More anxiety fuel.

When I walked in, there were no white coats and no straight jackets, just a gentle faced Asian man, sitting behind his desk wearing a navy blue dress suit. He looked at me with the most caring eyes, his demeanor convinced me that he didn’t think I was crazy at all, even though I was sobbing uncontrollably and could barely talk. He explained to me that I was suffering from Anxiety Disorder and he could give me some medication that would help me. He put me on a combination of anti-anxiety medication and an antidepressant. Most importantly he offered me an explanation as to why none of the antidepressants had worked for me before. Antidepressants can take up to two weeks to start working. He assured me that the anti-anxiety medication would give me some relief from my symptoms until the antidepressant started to take affect. I clearly remember how I felt after I took the first dose. After about thirty minutes it felt like someone had turned off the pressure cooker. My mind was so quiet and calm. It was the first peace that I had experienced in a very long year and a half. I thanked God and then drifted off into a restful sleep.

Two weeks later, at my follow-up visit with the Psychiatrist, I hadn’t had one anxiety attack. I was actually starting to feel like myself again. The doctor confirmed that I had been in a very bad state at my initial visit and that he had been very concerned about me. He recommended that I continue with the medication and make an appointment with a Psychologist to help me understand some of the feelings that I was experiencing. I will never forget him or his gentle eyes. He helped me to escape from the cycle of anxiety that had consumed my life. With his help I was able to stand up and continue peacefully on my journey to where I am today.

I have not spoken, at length, about that time in my life until very recently. Partly because I didn’t want to give it energy and partly because I was embarrassed. Today at work, we were discussing a patient in a similar situation and I found myself telling my story, out load, with no shame or embarrassment. After I finished the story, I was kind of surprised at myself, speaking so assuredly and with such candor. After hearing the entire story from my own mouth, I thought to myself, “It’s no wonder I had a nervous breakdown, my whole support system was crumbling down around me at a time when I needed it the most.” I was amazed by how clear it all seemed. I wasn’t fragile, crazy, or mentally ill. I was simply a young girl with a huge amount of responsibility, a walking casualty of a raging family war that had robbed her of the only life she had ever known.

There is no amount of money that could convince me to trade the wisdom of my forties for the cuteness of my twenties and thirties. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll go shopping today and get myself some bigger pants. I want to be ready for that middle age spread everyone keeps talking about.

Peace Be With You

Like everyone else around the world I am stunned and saddened by this devastating and senseless act of violence. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and students who were victims of this horrific event.

I am in awe of the compassion and maturity of the students that I have seen interviewed on television. What a great group of kids with bright futures, so full of promise.

All we can hope to do now is to search for chards of goodness that may come from this tragedy. I have to believe that out of all evil, some goodness must come.

Peace be with you Virginia Tech.

The Love Box

When I was in first grade,
my teacher, Mrs. Miles had what she called
a "Love Box"

It was a big box
wrapped in Valentine paper
full of little trinkets.

Everything from whistles,
to gum, to little plastic animals
basically, a kids dream.

At the end of each day,
she would stamp our hands
with a smiley face if we were good
or a frown face if we got into mischief

On Friday, if we got all smiles for the week
we got to choose anything we wanted
from the "Love Box"

I was a very chatty kid
that had a very hard time
staying in my seat (I still do)

So, needless to say,
I didn't get called up
to go into the "Love Box" very often.

In fact, I can only remember
getting to pick a trinket
one time.

But, oh what a glorious day!
It took me forever to choose,
I finally took a small plastic snail.

I treasured that snail back then
and today I treasure the lessons
that I learned from Mrs. Miles and her box.

Although I didn't realize it at the time
I learned that people who do good things
are always rewarded.

It may not be an instant reward
at the end of a day,
like picking a trinket from the "Love Box"

But the reward will come
sometime when you least expect it,
quite possibly when you need it most.

It may not be wrapped with a big red bow.

It may not be shiney and new.

It may be the blessing of a wonderful friendship,
the health of your loved ones,
or having wonderfully spirited children.

It may be that you were 5 minutes ahead
of a terrible collision,
a reward that you never knew you were bestowed.

Mrs. Miles died of breast cancer
when I was in the third grade.
I'm almost 40 now and I still remember her.

What a wonderful reward it would be
to have touched someone's life
in such a way that they still think about you
over 30 years later.

Amazing, the rewards still continue
even after we're gone.

I feel good

I wish that I could feel as good every day
as I feel today

It's a good hair day
that always helps

But that's not it
I'm peaceful today
calm

Nothing is stirring on the inside
my mind is quiet

I'm not worrying
about anything

I'm not overly excited
about anything

Just happy and free

Nothing hurts
I feel confident

I couldn't complain if I had to

I feel loved
I feel in love
I feel blessed, so blessed

I'm not concerned about my body image
I'm cute in my own way
just the way I am

I wonder why I can't have more days like this

They are so few and far between

Is it the planets
are they aligned in the house of me

Is it hormones
something I ate (fruity pebbles)
or didn't eat (frosted mini wheats)

I wish I knew

It feels really good to feel good

Heaven

it covers me
a blanket of warmth

makes me feel healthy
makes me feel strong

i know i'm alive
when the sun shines
on my face

weightless and carefree
the world floats off my shoulders
for a time

just the sound
eases my tension

there's no feeling in the world
like being in water

the sun, a breeze, the water

HEAVEN

He's Mad

Something is just not right here
but how could she know for sure
so young and impressionable
what did she know about what was normal

Prone to periods of silence
followed by random fits of rage
very little desire for any acts of love
distance growing, more distance, more silence

She tried for over a decade to break it
the silence, the madness
eventually learning that it was no use
trying turned to wondering
which lead to assuming - he's mad

Every now and then he'd blow
the silence swelling inside would burst
like a balloon filled with too much air
a very loud "pop" - he's mad

Either it wasn't done
or it wasn't done right
from an empty toilette paper roll
to dishes in the sink

Always something different
something that had been growing
and festering inside the silence, the madness
just waiting to be expelled

Errupting he would spout things out
things from today, yesterday,
last week, last month, and even longer
those things that made him mad
those thing that fed the silence

No responsibility, totally unaware
no pride in anything you just don't care
you can't even take care of yourself
how could you ever take care of a baby
It's not your fault, it's just how you are

Just a girl she'd sit quietly and listen
try not to cry, it will be over soon
crying will only make it worse
he already thinks you're useless
Thinking, thinking....I should leave, he's mad

Learned to walk on eggshells
tip toe around the madness
just learn what you have to do to avoid it

Uptight and unaware of what was happening
pieces of her soul, pieces of her psyche
being chipped away day after day
Thinking, thinking....I should leave, he's mad

How could she leave, no one else would have her
so unaware, irresponsible and scattered
this girl with no pride in anything
she would surely be alone for the rest of her life
Wondering, wondering
is it him that's mad, or is it me?

Me

I’m not being me
Why

I wish I knew
Why don’t I like being me

Never feel good enough
Always feel like I should be doing more

More people should like me
I should give more

Be more kind
Care more

Not care so much

A better mother
A better friend

I don’t keep in touch
Call enough

Why is it so overwhelming being me
I try
God knows I try

Why can’t it just ever be enough
Enough of me
For me

I’ve lost myself
Trying to be a better me

I don’t even know who the hell I am anymore
Or if there was ever anything wrong with the not so great me

I’m tired
A lot

I’m not surprised
Trying to be this extra special me

Conflict

Guilt

Doubt

Creep into my happiness
Showering it with acid rain

I smile and laugh out loud
Sometimes right through the pain

Heavy weights rest on my shoulders
A burden to say the least

Trying to relax
Enjoy my life

Looking for some peace
God please give me some peace

Family Ties

I feel angry

angry at everyone

I hate feeling angry

I've been trying

to sort it out

I used to trust

I used to believe

when someone said

they cared

I had no reason

to think it wasn't true

If they called me friend

I didn't question

I feel alone now

somehow

alone in a world

full of people

people who can

and might betray me

at the drop of a hat

I mean why wouldn't they

they have no ties to me

no blood relation

it's not like they're

my mother or my grandparents

or anything, right?