Homework (continued)

11. I believe that had I not been too terrified to try out for cheerleading in high school, that I would have made the squad and it would have changed the course of my entire high school experience.

12. The happiest I remember being as an adolescent was when I was playing softball.

13. When I was in 4th grade I was awarded the "Red Headed Bombshell" award because I cracked everyone up.

14. Also in 4th grade there were 3 Kim's in my class so I volunteered to go by my middle name "Ann" and to this day people will come up to me and say "Ann Perry!!" It's so strange.

15. When I was a kid I used to like sitting around the table with the adults while they talked, smoked cigarettes and drank coffee, instead of playing outside with my friends. Funny I never smoked or drank coffee much. I was just neurotic from listening to all the adult conversation.

16. The first time my dad took me fishing I tried to bait my own hook and the shrimp jumped and scared me. I dropped my pole on my dad's head, it fell in the water and I almost did too. He didn't take me much after that......Still doesn't.

17. I absolutely loved be pregnant, it was the first time I didn't have to worry about how big my stomach was. It was really very freeing since I feel my biggest figure flaw is my stomach.

18. Even though I have been married for 21 years, I have no earthly clue what it feels like to be married.

19. When I was 14, I got a piece of a shell embedded in my foot and I didn't show my mom because I didn't want to go to the doctor, thank God she finally noticed me limping because I came very close to getting gangrene.

20. I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood but to this day I remember being 4 or 5 and going to the pediatrician. I asked him if I had to get a shot and he told me no and then he ended up giving me one anyway, I was really pissed at him........I still am.

..............5 more to go!!

The Dog Ate My Homework (Jack)

1. I have learned more about who I am and what I stand for over the past year than I ever have in my entire life.

2. My favorite movie candy is (are) Snow Caps, I love the way they taste, I love the way they feel in my mouth, and I really love the way they look.

3. When I was in the 5th grade I showed all my friends a picture of an older cousin that I had never met and told them that she was my older sister that lived in Kentucky.

4. I never trusted my judgment as a therapist until I starting working at TGH, now I feel like I can do anything.

5. I love, or at least will eat anything that comes from the earth but animal products are a different story. I have to disassociate myself from the fact that anything that I am eating was ever alive.

6. I remember suffering from depression even as a small child.

7. When you told me I was brave, I thought you were crazy. I have come to realize though that you are right. I have overcome so many paralyzing fears in my lifetime. It's no wonder I'm so tired ;)

8. My biggest fear isn't going crazy anymore. I have realized I really don't have a biggest fear and that is very freeing.

9. The first time I kissed a boy, I was 13 and I honestly thought that I was doing something that was very morally wrong.

10. I have always had this secret desire to join the Military, simply because I knew that if boot camp didn't break me or kill me then I could seriously do anything.

.......Whew, there, 15 more to go!!

Stay

I've always been amazed
by people who can just walk away

Pick it all up and go
lock, stock, and barrel

Never look back
just forget everyone and everything

This is life, it hurts
but it also makes us stronger

If it was always easy
what would we learn?

If we never tested the waters
how would we know?

I have found that through
turbulent times

Love grows stronger
for those who endure

Those who stay
despite pain and uncertainty

When someone has seemingly
lost their mind, their way, their resolve

They stay with them, hold them
cry with them, get exasperated at them

Not even certain if there will be a place for them
when all is said and done

They stay, even though they are juggling

The pain of the past and
the pain of the present

She stayed even though I pushed her away
time and time again

Not really knowing who I was or
where I was going

She stayed

Not the one who I had shared
10 years of my life with

Not the one who told me
she would always be there for me

But the one I barely knew
who barely knew me

She stayed, while I cried
day after day longing for another

Even though she knew, at times, that I felt
I had made a terrible mistake

She stayed with me, prayed with me
never left my side

Until I felt strong again
and ready to fly

I am whole again
much stronger now and ready to fly

But I think.......

I'll stay

A Little More Time

Please God, don't take him now
I need more time

I promise I'll be more attentive
I won't take him for granted

He's been here my whole life
as long as I can remember

I've always loved him so much
but I haven't always shown him

I just need a little more time
please give me more time, give him more time

He, like me, was caught
in the middle of senselessness

Although unspoken, we both
have always known that

He's my PaPa, I need him
I need more time to show him I need him

He was always the one
who was willing to help me

Always dropped everything
to come and watch his great grandsons

He did my laundry while I was at work
stocked my fridge with treats for the boys

He has been everything that a grandfather
should be and more

I appreciated him, but not enough
not as much as he deserved

I was too busy groaning about what I didn't have
to open my eyes and see what a blessing he was to me

Thank you for letting me realize the importance of family
before it was too late

But please give me just a little more time with him
and please God, comfort him with your love and light

Treasures of Old

Just like searching for treasures
on the seashores

I love searching for treasures
of old

Glassware, books, figurines,
tools, utensils, jewelry

Anything that has a history
a history completely unknown

I look at an old license plate
and wonder how many miles it's traveled

A bowl or platter
I wonder who or how many it has ever served

A ration token from the great depression
I wonder how many times it has exchanged hands

My mind works that way
always wondering, curiously analyzing

I used to think it was a curse
this curious, questioning mind I have

I have recently learned
to appreciate it, feed it with the things it craves

It's the way God made me,
the way people will remember me

My own history

PaPa

You have been my hero
ever since I can remember

I know we've been through
some rocky times

But I have always felt
a very strong bond with you

I have always seen so much of myself in you
I have always felt such a strong love and respect for you

Your kindness and caring soul
is a wonderful trait that I have inherited

I thank you for that

I talk fast like you
eat fast like you, got my red hair and freckles from you
got my funny, quirky personality from you

It is so hard for me to see you sick
but you are so strong and you're my PaPa
I know that you can overcome this

I love you

Me and My Sis

Finally

The fog is lifting and I can see the future

I am not paralyzed by regret and guilt from the past

I have realized that in order to take a step forward
you have to be looking in that direction

I'm learning to let go

I don't feel weighed down by sorrow

I see how much I've learned and grown

I feel whole again

Finally

Welcome

Carl David Coker - 3/4/2009

Doin' What I Do

A man whose index finger was bitten off by his girlfriend
because he pointed it in her face

A woman walking in Georgia
attacked by a pack of wild dogs

A girl not much older than my son
with double lung transplants due to cystic fibrosis

Heightened security because of
high profile patients in the news

Walking through a sea of media
awaiting a news conference on my way to lunch

Doing things I never thought I'd do
seeing things I never thought I'd see

Jumpin' in, helpin' out
no two days are ever the same

Problem solving by myself or with the team
if I can do this, I can do anything

This is therapy, this is cutting edge, level 1 Trauma
A dull moment at work.......Never

Post Fight Giggles

"I'm sorry we fussed...."

"I luv you......"

"I'm gonna buy me a pick up truck....."

Tiny Treasures

I had forgotten
the magical powers

Of the beach
and the ocean

The waves
crashing at my feet

The sun on my skin
melting away my cares

As I search and search
for tiny treasures

Treasures that have traveled
for miles with the tides

I imagine that their journey
has been a lot like life

Twirling, rolling, sinking, floating
buried then unearthed with each wave

All the rough edges being buffed
worn down and polished along the way

Some survive seemingly untouched
by the perilous journey

Others are missing pieces
and show the scars of time and tides

Each one unique, with a story of it's own
a story that no one will ever know

Perhaps the greatest of mysteries
these treasures of the sea

Sometimes

................you wanna to go
where everybody knows your name

A Year Retrospective

A domino affect of broken hearts
plans, dreams, and expectations
one pushed down by the next
set in motion by seemingly
innocent feelings for another

A year has passed, many words spoken by some
very few words spoken by others
retribution, retaliation, attempts at reconciliation
lie neatly in rows, each overlapping the next
the first every bit as painful as the last

I revisit this daily
I guess I probably will for the rest of my life
human emotion and feelings have plagued me
since I was just a small child
a recurring theme in my life

I agonized over anything or anyone feeling hurt
left out, neglected, ignored, or disappointed in any way
I would have rather died myself than to think that I
had caused anyone to experience any of these emotions
I would slight myself before I would consider hurting someone else

So I guess it's not surprising
that the events of the past year have traumatized me so
I have experienced everything that has terrified me since I was just a girl
and while this has been by far, one of the most difficult years I have lived
I have learned to value the things that I once took for granted

God
Family
Friends
All the people who love me, warts and all

I know that I cannot change what has already happened
and I feel that I have adequately conveyed my sorrow
I will, in the future, however take more care with my loved ones
let them know that they are cherished, loved and cared for
life is simply too short to be lived in a world centered in self

But One Small Speck

Lately I have been wondering if my prayers are heard
and if so, have they been answered?

I do know that every prayer is not answered
at least not in the way we are asking it to be.

And sometimes no answer at all, is actually the answer.
If I really stop and think about it, it's mind boggling.

When I figure that what I am asking of God
might parallel but be directly opposite
to what someone else is asking Him.

So my prayer not being answered,
might actually be the answer to the prayer of another.

Amazingly, he has it all figured out
a plan for me, a plan for you, that has already been mapped out.

Our prayers he hears, even though we are but one small speck
in this vast universe.

Thank God

I love you PaPa

Hard Rock Star Search and Foolish Fun

Silly school girl fun
it feels so good

It's been a long time
since I have been able to just let go

Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Paris Hilton
and us, party girls with the stars "supposedly"

Ok, so party girls with the security guards
but still such fun

Making memories, building confidence
laughing all the while

Oysters on the half shell
Blue Moon overflowing

Shucking and drinking
floating not sinking

Washing away tears
allowing laughter and love to surface

Partying with friends and loved ones
good food, good fun, a whole new life has begun

Gloriously Mine

I have come to realize that this road I have been traveling
albeit rocky and pain filled

Has been a slow journey back to my family
something I have subconsciously yearned for

God has been trying to show me
for such a long time

I knew there must be a message
in the recurring mother theme in my life

The bitterness I felt about
his mother, her mother

The jealousy I felt about
her close relationship with her family

The intense grief I felt
at the mention of the death of her mother

It seems that it should have been so easy
so clearly laid out for me to see

But I wasn't paying attention,
clouded by my selfishness, I was sure that I had been wronged

I am doing the best I can at raising
my children

They did the best they could
at raising me

They are not perfect, neither am I
but they are mine and I love them

The good, the bad, the indifferent
I love them for who they are,
they love me for who I am

They're mine, mine, gloriously mine
and I am so thankful that God brought
me to them before it was too late

Breathe (2 am)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you always try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.

Found So Far

Passionate

Noticeable

Worthy

Unique

Capable

Kind

A Fool

Over the past few months I have felt like
I have made a complete and total fool of myself.

I got the impression, during one of my counseling sessions
that if you wanted something you needed to make it known.

Never being one to do that, it seemed very foreign
but it made sense to me at the time.

I hurt her, so I needed to do my best to convey to her
that I wanted any and every opportunity to make it right.

While I haven't begged, I have been persistent
only to be ignored, belittled, and patronized.

Treated as if I have no worth,
deserving of no respect at all.

During this time I have experienced
more anger than I ever have in my lifetime.

It has eaten away at my self confidence
rendered me blind to my true inner beauty and light.

Robbed me of precious moments of pride
in my often selfless caring and understanding ways.

I foolishly believed that this person was someone
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Relationships, are difficult under the best of circumstances
lasting ones few and far between.

Things happen, trials, tribulations, tests
these are what make strong relationships stronger.

Arrogance, ignorance, pride, stubbornness, games,
gossip, hatefulness these are what kill them.

It's not a fool who mistakenly thinks they are still in love with someone
It's a fool who couldn't muster up an ounce of kindness
for someone who is sincerely trying to reach out to them.

Trying Hard To

Let the past just be.......

So True

What we do to someone else,
we also do to ourselves.

~The Reverend Melissa Etheridge

To Whom These May Concern

Lying is done with words and also with silence.
~Adrienne Rich

Arrogance really comes from insecurity, and in the end
our feeling that we are bigger than others is really the
flip side of our feeling that we are smaller than others.
~Archbishop Desmond TuTu

True friendship can afford true knowledge.
It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.
~Henry David Thoreau

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
~Martin Luther King Jr.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
~Mohandas Gandhi

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.
~George Bernard Shaw

Arrogance and rudeness are training wheels on the bicycle of life -- for weak people who cannot keep their balance without them.
~Laura Teresa Marquez

Sometimes when you try so hard to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, not even yourself.
~Me

Tears

end of a story, fade to black
time to move forward don't look back

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

wash away the pain, cleanse my soul
overflowing sadness, make me whole

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

panic waning, sadness slows
fog is lifting, colors show

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

cleaning the slate
less guilt, less hate

raining grief, cleansing relief

thank you God for

tears

The Bridge Ablaze

The bridge is ablaze

Amidst the flames and ashes

A stronger, more confident person emerges

Co-dependence, indulgence, guilt, obligation

Tossed one by one into the inferno

Standing close enough to feel the heat

Yet far enough away to avoid the searing pain of the burn

I watch as the blazing bridge

Once a brilliant structure

Is reduced to ashes of retribution, immaturity, and contempt

Still clinging to anger and bitterness

Not yet ready to let them go

I choose to watch it burn and not turn away

For I must always remember

It took more than just me to build that bridge

and it took more than just me to tear it down

So during moments of weakness

When I might feel the need to turn around and go back

The image of that burning bridge will serve as a reminder

There is absolutely nothing left to take me back there

Christmas Love

Love is Everything - Jane Siberry

maybe it was to learn how to love
maybe it was to learn how to leave
maybe it was for the games
we played
maybe it was to learn how to choose
maybe it was to learn how to lose
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love made sweet and sad the same
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait 'til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving

maybe it was to learn how to fight
maybe it was for the lesson in pride
maybe it was the cowboys' ways
maybe it was to learn not to lie
maybe it was to learn how to cry
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love did not hold back the reins
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving

*first she turns to you*
*then she turns to her*
*so you try to hurt her back*
*but it breaks your body down*
*so you try to love bigger*
*bigger still*
*but it...it's too late*

so take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
and know you'll never be the same
and find it in your heart to kneel down and say
i gave my love didn't i?
and i gave it big...sometimes
and i gave it in my own sweet time
i'm just leaving

*love is everything*

Today I Am Most Thankful For

My faith

My family

My friends

Inner peace

A wonderful job

Good food prepared by and for the people I love

Warmth

Comfort

Health

Happiness

The angels among us

~I will try hard not to take these things for granted as I enjoy this, my very favorite holiday.

Open Casting Call - Revisited

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Fumbling Toward Acceptance

It hasn't been pretty
and some of my finer moments
have not shown through

I will accept that, however
given the nature of the circumstances
humans do not function at their best when their hearts are breaking

I have been fooling myself
with my eyes wide shut
there have been no illusions here

I have simply focused only on what I wanted to see
blocked out what I didn't
and hoped for what I foolishly thought would be a miracle

I'm not sure whether going through something like this
dramatically changes someone for the good or the bad
or if traits that were always there become more apparent during the fall out

I will probably never know, but either way
once endured, this pain cannot be stricken from memory
scars remain etched like tattoos on the heart, soul and mind

An emotional sword wielded inflicts wounds
every bit as severe as a sword made of steel
tears shed, no blood, but every bit as painful and damaging

I'm tired now, weary and my judgment is waning
I'm hearing things in your voice that simply aren't there
I'm grasping for hope in the most insignificant of gestures

Dignity, self respect and loyalty to ones own self worth
to lose sight of these would mean dying a long, slow, painful death
I must do everything in my power to preserve them

I will never be able to walk among your peers
without knowing that I have been harshly judged and sentenced
by many of whom are guilty of the same, or worse, offenses

I am struggling to go back to a home from which I have been banished
comfort no longer resides there, compassion and love, luxuries of the past
just a pile of burning rubble and shards of glass lay where it used to stand

I must pack up the memories that for now are too painful to recall
everything else I will dispose of or have melded into something new
to symbolize my long awaited acceptance

Greater Ways

I am finding
there are far greater ways
to hurt someone and
damage a relationship
than having an affair

It certainly does have
a more dramatic flare
to say "she cheated on me!!!"
it will definitely summon
a greater number of supporters

Maybe it's those supporters
who lead you to believe
that I have no worth
that my feelings don't matter
that you don't owe me anything

If that's the case
I am truly sorry
for a life of anger and bitterness
is a fate worse than death

My pain will subside and I will move on
I am sad though because these recent memories
are tainting any good memories
that I had of the past 10 years

I don't even know you anymore
I'm sure it wasn't just the affair
that caused this shift in your personality
I've sensed it was there all along

So Funnyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The Presents of Me

Running on a hillside
she and me

Basking in the sunlight
happy and free

No worries, no sadness
just beauty for miles

Warmth and love
giggles and smiles

Flowers of every color and size
on a canvas of green and blue

Dew drops on grass blades
cast prisms of light

Shimmering, glittering
bouncing and bright

Dancing and singing
whirling and twirl

Just me and this magical
whimsical girl

She's happy and brilliant
mysterious and fun

She's creative and caring
considers everyone

At times I lose sight of
her goodness so rare

I must cherish her, keep her
in good loving care

A soul so well meaning
a heart of pure gold

So eager to share
the gifts she beholds

I steady my focus, her image I see
I'm warmed by her presence

The presents of me

Destination Unknown

I recently read a quote
~I really love to read quotes

It read:
"Life is the journey, not the destination"

Since the day I entered this world
I have been in a hurry

As a newborn I had to stay in the hospital
because I tried to finish my bottle all in one gulp

Today, I still eat very fast
seldom taking time enjoy the taste of what I'm eating

I'm finding that I live my life
very much in the same way

Darting from destination to destination
never taking time to enjoy the journey

I've always feared and hated change
maybe I figure the quicker I get where I'm going

The less likely it will be
that I will have to deal with detours in my path

Maybe it's the safety I crave
I feel vulnerable on a journey, less so at a destination

However there is a certain impulsiveness
that comes from being afraid of the journey

If I quickly rush from "here" to "there"
I can spare myself any pain that the journey may afford

There is also a restlessness that comes
from avoiding the journey, missing out on life's experiences

I have at times become obsessive about a destination
causing myself to loose sight of the journey completely

Looking back this has many times been the case
in some of the bad decisions I have made

I have been blessed with the insight
and the wisdom to learn this about myself

Now it's up to me to slow down and walk along side myself
with no preconceived idea or plan

Just me, living for the moment
learning to comfort myself, reveling in my journey

Destination Unknown

21 Years Ago Today

I got married..............Damn

Thoughts on Contempt

Contempt Defined - the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
To hold someone in contempt is to consider them to be unworthy of respect.

Quotes on Contempt

“Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings.” ~Ann Miller, American writer

“Wrongs are often forgiven; contempt never” ~ Lord Chesterfield, British statesman

What Really Matters

Yesterday I was treating a 40 year old woman diagnosed with cervical cancer that had metastasized to her bowl and bladder. After a total hysterectomy, removal of a section of her bowel and her bladder, I stood and watched as she pushed through her emotional and physical pain, simply because she wanted to see her kids grow up.

At that very moment I realized that none of this matters at all. This is just a small bump in my road, not a major life altering event.

Today, I thank God, set down another heavy pack and continue on my journey. For now, I am blessed with health. I am good, well meaning, kind and I am worthy of all these things abundantly in return. Life is just too short.

I'm Alive

The problem with keeping yourself
too protected and never taking any risk

Is that someday, sometime
you have to do it

You have to step outside
of your box and let life happen

It pulls you, calls you
haunts you even

You have to experience
the greatest pain, the most intense joy

The full spectrum of emotion
that life has to offer

It is out of these experiences
that you learn how to cope

You begin to appreciate
that you are a lot stronger
than you give yourself credit for

No one can tell you how it feels
you simply have to live it, create your own life experience

Life is most certainly not a spectator sport
it is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is

I am, however, so thankful to be experiencing it
in all of its confusing, conflicted and painful glory

I feel like I am finally accomplishing something big
something I've been putting off for a very, very long time

I am experiencing life

Painfully enlightening, enchantingly serendipitous
packed with jewels of wisdom and insight

Experiences, my experiences
Trials and errors, good and bad

Their mine, all mine
and I want to feel them all

The searing pain of defeat
the gut wrenching agony of anger

Guilt, elation, love and hate
jealousy, admiration, fear,
contentment, accomplishment,
success and failure

I want to feel, I need to feel
for if I don't feel then I'm not alive

and

I have not been living
for way too long

With Love From Your Biggest Fan

When I think of words to describe you
"self centered" is definitely not one of them

I wouldn't even know where to begin
I don't know what I would have done without you

You always find an encouraging word
even when your own heart is breaking

You have shown me what it means
to be a very true friend, even in the face of adversity

Brave (the nicest thing anyone has ever called me)
That is you sweet girl.....Brave is most certainly you

Also you....
Strong, Kind, Understanding, Determined, Loving, Caring,
Intelligent, Generous, Loyal, Sincere, Giving,
Honest, Responsible, Respectful, Spiritual
and even though you hate it......Sweet ;)

Thank you seems so insignificant
but for you, I am truly thankful

Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
and Always

I am your Biggest Fan!!

Some Observations on Isolation

Isolation....

Working in a hospital I see it all the time. Patients are in isolation rooms for many reasons, mainly to protect them and the people entering the room from germs and the spread of them. It means donning isolation garb, a plastic gown, gloves and a mask before entering the patent's room. You go in with nothing exposed but your neck, eyes, and the back of your head.

Some days, today for example, I wish I could wear isolation garb in every room, in the hallways and the cafeteria even, because I just feel like keeping a barrier between me and the world. Some days are just like that I suppose.

If the poor patient happens to have some really scary disease, like flesh eating bacteria, I am always so very thankful for the extra layer. If they poop I find myself wishing for more gowns, wading boots, a tarp even. Always thankful for that mask when bad smells are lurking.....Oh so thankful. Some of the worst smells ever, in a hospital.

There are times when I am working hard in isolation and I get very sweaty because plastic doesn't breathe. If I get winded, that's no fun either because the only air you have is the last breath you just breathed. It's hot and close and can evoke a sense of panic. I hate that and typically curse having to wear all that gear on those days.

One day I was working with an O.T. and a tech in a nice little old man's room. We were all buzzing around getting things ready to get him up and moving about. He very sweetly called to us. "Can I ask you girls a favor?" he said in a tired, low voice. We all approached his bedside peering down at him. "Would you all take down your masks for just a minute so I can see your faces?" Of course behind each of our masks was the warmest of smiles for this very sweet little man. It's scary enough being in the hospital, it must be really scary to have everyone wear protective gear when they come into your room.

I go through periods where it seems that every patient I have is on isolation and that gets to be a drag, especially if you want to take the patient for a walk outside of the room. Then you have to gown them up too. The patients hate it.

Burn patients are on what's called, reverse isolation. That is to protect them from any germs that people who come in the room might have on their clothes or skin. The procedure is the same; gown, gloves, and mask. I remember my very first burn patient, I was so nervous, he was wrapped in gauze from head to toe like a mummy. They have to be unwrapped and re-wrapped in a special dressing before they can be seen for therapy. I kept having to leave the room for supplies, I must have gowned up 10 times for that one treatment. After I was done with his treatment I smiled and said my usual, "can I get you anything before I go?" Thank God I was wearing a mask when he answered, "I would love a cup of juice please,"so he didn't see my mouth drop at the thought of having to un-gown and re-gown yet one more time.

Oh and one last thing, you haven't truly worked in health care until you have sneezed with a isolation mask on. There just really are no words....

No real point here, just some observations on isolation.

The Sun to Rise Again

With morning comes a new perspective
the sun to rise again

A new day to embrace
a new journey on which to embark

I can finally lay down this pack of burden
guilt, longing, clinging to the past

For the past, as I knew it
is no longer there

The past has now become the present
and it is mine to mold and shape

I will set my sights on the horizon
and the wonderful new adventures that await me

I choose to forgive those who I feel have wronged me
letting go of anger and it's destructive hold

Yes, I am sad
but my heart is light

With a sense of relief
I move on now toward the future
and the wonderful uncertainty it holds

For with each new morning
comes new perspective

The sun to rise again............

I Choose Peace

The time has come
that I must learn
to find my own consolation

In times of discord and uncertainty
the very best I can do
is search within myself for comfort

Acquaintances are quick to offer
judgment and pseudo concern
only to increase the turmoil within

Friends and loved ones lend an ear
genuinely concerned for my well being
but don't truly get to see the picture

The view from where I'm standing
snug inside my own skin
peering out from behind my own eyes

Writhing in my own pain
basking in my own glory
the star of my very own show

I choose.....

When to change the channel
when to turn it off completely
and who gets to attend

I choose.....

How people get to treat me
who I can trust
and where I go from here

I choose.....

To live in Peace

Free Fall

Suspended high above the ground below
I am slowly losing my grip

My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets

My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do

My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like

Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided

I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet

I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue

Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge

I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can

Why can't I just let go?

It's gone, over, done
the PAST

It really is time to just let.......

Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?

Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear

What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?

Who will take care of me?

I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns

My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms

At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE

My Greatest Needs

At a time in my life
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told

"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"

So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care

With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul

Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"

I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them

When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills

Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7

The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children

These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship

For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness


As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same

Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success

The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle

"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.

I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."

God has not failed me
I have not failed myself

It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot

Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal

But in my heart, I know.......

While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way

And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met

My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved

and

The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......

They will do the same for me

Today I Choose.....

To concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past

To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same

To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me

To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend

To be thankful for my family

To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"

To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it

To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for

To believe that anything is possible

To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers

To laugh more

To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while

To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it

To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not

To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too

To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions

To reach out and touch someone with kindness

To not try and fix everything

To listen more

To love myself

Every Shade of Color in Between

Each morning when I hear my alarm
and open my eyes to focus on the day
I know that I have been blessed

Blessed with another opportunity
to soak in the lessons to be learned
from the vastness of living

Another chance to succeed
another chance to fail
but most importantly another chance to try

Sometimes the choices we make
work out beautifully
like a well executed plan

Giving the appearance
that we have mastered this life
and achieved success

Promoting confidence, pride
and a sense of well being
resulting in great happiness

Other times our choices
send life spinning out of control
with not a patch of solid ground in sight

Often inflicting great pain
upon ourselves and others
in the wake of the consequences

This renders us helpless and frail
leaving us to question
our motives, morals, and intellect

If we are lucky enough to survive
from these life altering choices
a gift of great knowledge abounds

For it is these experiences,
both joyful and painfully gut wrenching
that teach us what works, what doesn't

and......

Every shade of color in between

When Sorry Is Not Enough

Throughout my life
sorry has always been enough

It is such a powerful word
when it's said with sincerity

I realize now, however,
that sorry isn't always enough

When you pull the rug
out from under the feet of another

Trample on a heart
as if it were a door mat

Treat a fragile soul
with reckless carelessness

"I'm Sorry" seems almost insulting

"Time heals all things"
I have heard that saying so many times

Never once did I take a moment
to ponder what that might imply

"Actions speak louder than words"
another redundant phrase never pondered

In a situation such as this I am finding
that I must first forgive myself

I then must adjust my actions
to reflect my sorrow and pray

That time really does heal things
when sorry is not enough

Grey's Wisdom

Smooth rides make for boring stories
A little calamity, that's worth talking about

My Sea

Swells of emotion of every sort
surging like waves methodically crashing
on the white sandy beaches that line my soul

Just as I get my footing, begin to stand
another wave breaks at my feet
toppling me, again

Into the sea, my sea

A sea, at times so peaceful
it appears to be an unending sheet
of the most beautiful Satin

A sea, at times so turbulent,
it takes every bit of strength
just to keep my balance

The vastness of the spectrum is exhausting
it takes my breath, renders me delicate
yet empowered

For I am at the helm of this vessel,
chosen to navigate these waters
by an all knowing spirit

One who would never trust
a vessel such as this
to the weak or feeble

I CAN do this!

A Gift in the Truest Sense

Every now and again in this life
we are fortunate enough to run into people
who just get it

They inherently know when we just need
an extra bit of understanding
a smile, a nod, a kind word, a soft hand

Even when they don't truly understand
just the fact that they act like they do
is so very comforting

Most often we don't have any idea
what another soul is experiencing
actually it's not our job to know

But the truest gifts are bestowed
by those who don't question
but simply realize

That the most sincere understanding
is acknowledging, without judging
what is not understood at all

Dear God

Please take the past from me.
I was careless with the heart of another, which I regret.
I go back to that moment,
And I give it to You.
Please, dear God,
Make right my wrongs
And take away my sorrow.
Forgive me, please.
May I begin again.
Amen.

The Voyage

One ship goes North and another South

'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales

That determine the way they go

Like the ships at sea, are the ways of fate

As we voyage along through life

'Tis the set of the soul that decides the goal

And not the calm or strife

~Author Unknown

Oh What A Difference Professionalism Makes

Wow! How blind we become
to absolutely inadequate management

I have learned more in the past 3 days
than I learned in the past 4 months
well, physical therapy related information, anyway

I mean, far be it from me to tell someone
how to manage their department

But

For some reason I don't think mastering school girl clique management
is something the APTA is really concerned about

Written rules and regulations
with documented consequences

Policies, manuals, protocols, documenting what you do
bless the brilliant soul who came up with those ideas

As opposed to just making some shit up
if you don't like someone's personal choices

At least that way you have a snowballs chance in hell
to know if you're COMIN' or GOIN'
Best of all, the same rules apply to EVERYONE

From the big mouthed, blond haired, drunk
to the terminally miserable, mayonnaise monger
everyone is held to the same standard

No chance of being terminated for doing something
that is apparently only acceptable for the inner circle
of which you are no longer a member

What a novel idea to verify someone's skills
before turning them loose on some unsuspecting patient

I could have dropped one and it would have had less impact
than me stepping out the back door to listen to a voice mail

It amazes me the amount of money that some people are paid
to be glorified preschool teachers, crappy ones at that

I digress, but only for a moment

Favorite Quotes by Mohandas Gandhi

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings.

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

Open Casting Call

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Touche'

If we knew each others secrets,
what comforts we should find.

~John Churton Collins

Who Knew?

Normal by definition: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

I don't think that conforming to a standard is what I'm longing for

Usual, typical, expected, that sounds more like it

I can't really ever remember a time in my life when things weren't

Usual

Typical

Expected

Ironic, given that my persona is "Anything But Ordinary"

Seek the unusual

Avoid typical

Expect the unexpected

It is Usual to get up and go to work

It is Typical to work a full day and come home exhausted

It is Expected that a paycheck will be in the bank every two weeks

The Universe can have quite an interesting sense of humor, yes?

The very things you loath can become the very things you crave at any given moment

Usual

Typical

Expected

Who Knew?

Life's Rough Road

Sometimes in life we experience bumps in the road
bumps that sometimes knock us completely off course

Even if the course we were on was a really good one
we still get side tracked and suffer set backs

I can't be sure but I think sometimes these bumps
help us to appreciate our previous and present courses

So that we don't get too comfortable in our travels
for if the road becomes too familiar we may stop paying attention

As soon as we stop paying attention a collision is eminent
causing sometimes irreparable damage to our current course

Occasionally our previous course can be retrieved and repairs made
with work one may never even know that a collision has occurred

Sadly enough we don't realize that we have stopped watching for bumps
until we have a really big collision then it's often too late

A Scandal and a Scorn to All Who Look on Thee

Why can't I just forget about it
keep it out of my head

Probably because it has shaken me
down to my very foundation

Decisions that I make in my personal life
should never, ever effect my professional life

It's wrong, just plain wrong
on so many levels

Tried and convicted by a jury of my peers
peers that have no right to judge me or anyone else

The ultimate sentence carried out by my boss
someone who is supposed to act responsibly, professionally

I am so naive to think that things like this don't happen
taking a hit that left a gaping hole in my confidence

The hole shows, in my interviews
my confidence waining with each passing day

I'm so sick of going on interviews
tired of sitting once again in judgment

People ask me why I am so angry
I'm angry because of God damned judgmental people who act like that I am the only person in the fucking world who has ever made a mistake

Judge not, lest ye be judged
Judge not, lest ye be judged

I didn't slaughter or massacre
I didn't maim or dismember

For crying out loud
I'm a human fucking being

I don't deserve to be ignored
Made to feel guilty at every turn

I do take responsibility for my actions
I do admit to causing pain and I'm sorry for that

But I never professed to be without fault
without sin

Why am I being crucified
stoned, tarred and feathered,
lynched, persecuted, ostracized

FUCK

I'm just a mere mortal, human, learning lessons as I go along, just like everyone else

Would somebody just cut me some fucking slack here
just back the fuck off for awhile

The Faces of Evil

Wicked

Malignant

Vicious

Destructive

Harmful

Hurtful

Injurious

Detrimental

Deleterious

Ruinous

Nasty

Horrible

Foul

Disgusting

Bad

Wrong

Corrupt

Depraved

Vicious

Malicious

Diabolical

Shocking

Despicable

Atrocious

Broken

I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore
the worst feeling in the world
very isolating, so alone

Worse, I don't even trust myself
in this house of mirrors
that's become my life

A mirror at every turn,
I find myself standing in front of
struggling to recognize the distorted figure

I've traveled miles
but have gotten nowhere

Endured unimaginable pain
scars in various stages of healing

I never asked to be examined
under a microscope

To have every personal detail
and indiscretion of my life
aired for the world to see

To judge...

Ironically there's a lot to judge
considering the lack of experience under the Personal
Relationships heading on my life's resume

Bad judgment on my part, luck of the draw
who knows, I press on

My nature has always been to trust
once I've let someone in anyway

I guess my not letting many people in
is why that Personal Relationships heading
on my life's resume is so short

I'm not discriminatory,
just very, very cautious

Ever terrified of feeling
the way I do right now

Standing vulnerable in front
of yet another distorted mirror

Broken

I Always Knew.......

You would let me go easily.

You could be very hateful if crossed.

You would completely shut me out.

I never imagined.....

You would stop at nothing for revenge.

It's so unbecoming, but it has made my decision so much easier.

If You Live in Glass Houses........

Face to face friends wielding knives, it can work, if you don't turn your back

Unbecoming, this behavior of supposed professionals, worse yet, church goers

Casting of stones by those who apparently have no past indiscretions, how original

Karma, what goes around comes back around, you can count on it

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will come, I will move on, you have to live with yourselves

Only one wish I have for you all, a public airing of your private indiscretions

Understand your need to persecute another for self eminence, your soul will thank you

Bathroom Wisdom Revisited

Peace is rooted in understanding
Understanding is rooted in communication
Communication is rooted in loving trust

~Author Unknown

God's Greatest Gift

First of all
I have no regrets

As I sit here
in my skin

I feel no regrets

That in itself
is progress

I do feel remorse
for any pain
that I have caused

I feel sad for the suffering

But I do not feel regret

It's been about six weeks now
since we stepped onto the playground

Whew...child's play
this has NOT been

Very few fun moments
precious few

A lot of hard work
determination and steadfastness

Damnation, persecution
desperation and anger

Litter the streets of
this very short journey

It's not tidy,
and the wrapping
is certainly not pretty

But every step a gift
that I have been blessed
with the strength to accept

I have felt pain, intense pain
anger, guilt, embarrassment,
betrayal, disillusionment,
astonishment, and ultimately
atonement

I have sat with each of these
familiarized myself with them

Felt the realness, the rawness
the searing burn

I have writhed, bargained
sobbed and questioned

But I have felt
and on my own two feet
I have remained upright

Managing to keep
putting one foot
in front of the other

In the face of
some of the greatest
adversity I have yet to face
in my overindulged life

I feel my warmth
I feel my soul
I feel the goodness that burns inside of me

The goodness that until now only other people could see
the warmth that creates compassion and empathy
genuine concern and sincerity, that's me

I feel me
I feel myself

I love me
I love myself

Thank you God
for allowing
me to see your
greatest gift

Me

Here I Am

Running, all day running
trying to out run my feelings

Searching, all day searching
for something else to occupy my mind

Resting, all day resting
from the exhaustion of so much emotion in such a short time

Writing, all day writing
hoping that you might read me

Longing, all day longing
for something to make this feel right

My Little Fire

For quite some time now
I've had this fire

The most subtle little fire
with a steady ember

Warming my soul

Through all the chaos
and all the pain

This little fire
never lost it's strength

Although not always familiar
it was ever constant

Day or Night
Alone or with another

I felt a warmth
in a place I never knew existed

A place that I had only begun
to explore

Now

For a time the light
from this fire must be dimmed

Shadowing once again
this newly awakened place in my soul

Casting a chill
over it's very existence

Although I understand
and know what must be done

It doesn't ease
the sudden surge of cold

or

The intense fear
that I may never know that warmth again

Never allowing me to return
to that place in my soul

That I wanted so badly
to explore

I am trying to have faith
to be patient

For I have to know
that this fire, this warmth

Burns for me, purely, honestly
so not to cast a daily shadow on another

Happiness.....

I don't want to be responsible for that of another

I simply want to revel in it

I Feel....

breathless, like someone punched me hard in the chest

contempt, for the victory of controlling people

pain, as I have never felt before

fatigue, as I have been treading trodden trails for a long, long time

sadness, just so much sadness

anger, at manipulation and control

fear, of never being seen again

thankful, for the time we shared

It just hurts really bad.

Independence by Definition

The fact or state of being independent.

self-government,
self-rule,
home rule,
separation,
self-determination,
sovereignty,
autonomy,
freedom,
liberty,
comfort,
ease.

Control by Definition

The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.

be in charge of
run,
manage,
direct,
administer,
head,
preside over,
supervise,
superintend,
steer,
command,
rule,
govern,
lead,
dominate,
hold sway over,
be at the helm; informal head up,
be in the driver's seat,
run the show,
restrain,
keep in check,
curb,
check,
contain,
hold back,
bridle,
rein in,
suppress,
repress,
master.

Perceptions of a Perceptive Soul

"Your personal intensity that houses both a shy
insecurity with a powerful knowledge of yourself
that you struggle to accept and reject at the
same time"

~Thank you

This Invisible Scarlet Letter

Especially tricky
for I don't know who can see it

When I approach a seemingly kind face
all I can do is wonder

Difficult to focus on a conversation
seeking out the loyal

Their numbers decreasing
with each passing day

It's like searching
for a place to hide

In a stark white
empty room

Every place
a backdrop

For this
blood red letter

Assigned to me
by those so fortunate
to be free of fault

Living in Parallels

Witnessing the struggle
to end a sacred bond

A holding place of commitment
that no longer embraces comfort

Pondering the consequences
of withering a soul

I was there
though in my youth

and

Today

Although the view
from a new vantage point

No less painful
from a different angle

Then intersecting
Now Parallel

She waited
more patiently at first

The loving soul
who came for me

Quietly sitting
until I could, would
come to her

Share myself
with her

Give to her
my most elusive gift

Time
precious and unreserved

Just Time

A witness
to the pain in her eyes

When the hand that constantly swept
over our time together

Came to rest
on the limitations of the day

She learned to read
my body language

Anticipating when it
was time for me to go

Her body would tense
in preparation for the blow

For today
I am the waiting

The one craving
time

The one who tenses
when the conversation
approaches an end

Begging that sweeping hand to stop
if only for a day

So much more painful
my own pain

Coupled with the pain
of knowing all to well
how she must have felt

Still intersecting
Now parallel

Celebrating Us

We did have so many
wonderful times together

Never in my life
have I experienced
so much with one person

I want to thank you
for helping me grow

For showing me a light
that I never knew existed

For helping me find a path
to believe in myself

I know that you are hurting now
and for that my heart aches

Please know that I am truly
grateful for everything
that you have given me

And that it was never
my intention to hurt you

I'm sure that you can't
see past any of this right now

But I truly feel that you and I
will have a life long bond

I want to be here for you
when you are ready to let me

My dream is to laugh with you again someday
to celebrate us

Comforting Words From My Father

Sobbing "Trust me dad, this isn't anything that you want to be involved in."

"Anything that affects you is something that I want to be involved in."

Thank you dad,
tonight I very
much needed
those words.

Tonight I very much needed support
and you were there for me,
thank you.

Cyclone of Diligence

You keep saying
we were never a couple

I always saw us as a couple
everyone else did too

Where we reside doesn't
make or not make us a couple

It simply puts me
where you want me

Couples disagree, we disagreed
Couples laugh, we laughed

But somewhere along the way
the laughing stopped

Our love ceased to be carefree
ceased to be simple and easy

There is no blame to lay
it simply changed

Perhaps each of us with different needs

Mine to be stress free and unencumbered
Yours to be solid and fixed

I understand your need for stability
your need for a commitment

I made a commitment
and a lot of promises

All of which I meant
and intended to keep

I tried hard to endear myself to your family
to be all the things that my predecessor was not

They extended themselves to me
and I, myself to them

But somehow it just never seemed enough
I felt the weight of expectation

At times the frustration of fading obscurely into the background
as you dutifully almost obsessively tended to their needs

Tending to everyones needs
at the expense of your own

Generous to a fault
if you can ever fault a person for being generous

However, it can't be healthy to always put
another's needs above your own

Your mother's, your lover's,
your co-worker's, your friend's,
your sibling's, your father's,
your stepmother's and on and on

You cease to exist if you fulfill
everyone else's needs before your own

It takes all of your energy
to be absolutely diligent
in every aspect of your life

Perhaps I feared being
drawn into that cyclone of diligence

Where everything and everyone
is tended to impeccably

I'm still trying to learn
how to tend to myself

It's Only Shock

It's not numbness

Thank you God, it's not numbness

So many

Very bizarre

Things

Have occurred

Over the past week

Out of the blue

Without warning

I'm in shock

It's only shock

Being called a white trash whore
in the parking lot of Starbucks.....Shocking

Being called on the carpet at my job
about my role in a lesbian scandal.....Shocking

Being called to appear
on the Jerry Springer Show.....Eminent

But at least I'm not numb

Numb

If I had to sum this day up in a sentence
it would be "stop this ride, I want to get off"

I think I may have felt like this one other time in my life
when I went on the tea cup ride with my best friend
and we spun and spun and spun until we finally
puked up popcorn and blue cotton candy

It took a few hours for the world to stop spinning
before we felt like eating carnival food again

Somehow I think this round of spinning
might take a little bit longer to shake off

On the bright side, I won't be puking popcorn and blue cotton candy
But on the other hand, I'm an adult now and should have a lot better sense

The stakes are higher the consequences much more severe
What started out so innocently has grown to such epidemic proportions
I can't see over it, around it or under it

Worse, I can't understand it

I don't have any real answer to give anyone accept "I don't know"

I feel like my whole life I have been longing, very simply, to be loved

I have now hurt the one person in my life, by whom I have truly felt loved
quite possibly beyond repair

I have longed to be happy at my job for the past eight years
and for the past three months I have found that happiness

I have now put that job in jeopardy, something I have never, ever done before

I have never been a risk taker, I have always avoided conflict, always chosen the
path of least resistance

In the past three weeks I have assessed more risk, encountered more conflict and
traveled on a path that even the craziest of thrill seekers couldn't stomach

WOW.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I spending too much time behind four walls

or

Maybe I need to spend some time behind padded walls

I feel scared
I feel sad
I feel guilt, a lot of guilt
I feel insecure
in the spotlight
under the gun
embarrassed
humiliated
out of control
exhausted

but the feeling that scares me the most

NUMB

Only Human

I

am

however

only

human.


Pseudo

catholic

school

girl

guilt

ridden

human.


But

human

none the less.

Railroad Wings

And as far as I can tell,
most everything
means nothing
Except some things
that mean everything

~Patty Griffin

Painful Truth

standing in truth
once a dream

now a reality
knee deep

forced truth
but none the less

truth

casualties many
honor a memory

respect eludes me
self respect

as I walk through
this mine field of broken souls

I am flooded
with emotion, with disbelief

how can one peace seeking soul
inflict this much pain
on so many

one who quests for safety
who craves companionship

be this vulnerable
be this alone

no comforting smiles
no happy ever after

just me
for whom I've lost respect

standing knee deep
in truth

painful truth

alone....

Nothing But

a
fucking
fool

Help!

I prayed this morning
asked for guidance

Guidance in these
issues I ponder

In the past
I have found

That I often inadvertently
ignore guidance

Maybe not knowing
if it's just an obstacle

or

The true guidance
of my God

I suppose that doesn't say
much about my faith

About my character

I wonder sometimes
if my attempt
to not hurt anyone
is actually hurting everyone

Here I sit, it a position
to hurt so many people
and I can't see the guidance

I can't hear the word of God
I need help here

Can somebody please help?

Beautiful Flower

It was strikingly exotic, yet vaguely familiar

It had a tall, thick stalk like a sunflower

The vibrant color and splendor of a tulip

The soft alluring fragrance of a rose

Yet it's bloom looked like the bird of paradise

It was standing smartly, almost confident
in it's presentation

The image of a peaceful and spledid bird
perched atop a tall tree

It's radiance drawing in the passerby
like pollen draws a bee

I approached it cautiously
as not to disturb the earth around it

The most splendid and compelling
flower I had ever seen

I was certain that it must belong
to someone

For something so beautifully flourishing
must require great care and nurturing

I found myself going out of my way
to stand in it's presence

Even if only for a moment

In awe of Mother Nature
and her artistic wizardry

I began to imagine taking a spade
to this captivating masterpiece

Gently unearthing it

Carefully relocating it

So that I may enjoy and revel
in it's beauty

Nurture it, and
care for it as my own

But that would be self serving

Only to rob another of it's
elegance and beauty

The Worry Bag

I wear this bag around my neck
that no one else can see

Unadorned and simple
constructed purposefully

Most times heavy, sometimes light
This bag of mine holds fear

For when my soul gets cluttered
and angst filled thoughts appear

I take these stones of worry
and toss them in my bag

Praying they will disappear
these endless pesky nags

These stones of worry smoulder
growing heavier by the day

Until they finally drag me down
and all my strength gives way

My heart grows weary, my soul askew
my eyes well up with rain

Every fiber pulsing with
unrelenting pain

It's then I know to take my bag
and dump it on a table

To sift and sort and rid myself
of those which I am able

Tiny Irony

Steel blue eyes
Locks of golden blond

Lips pink and full
Cheeks rosy and round

The cutest little red dress
with sandals to match

A small white barrette
clasped a lock of her golden hair

Shy at first
Yet quick to warm

Let me hold her
play with her
show her the water

Giggled with tickles
then sleepily laid her head
on my shoulder

One delicate hand
clenching my shirt

The other, her tattered
pink bunny

The cutest little girl
her name, Emma

Kaleidoscope

I want to understand
it's beauty and brilliance

It captivates me
the boundless color
and luminosity

Ever changing
yet always splendid
perfection

My gaze intent
trying to find

a scheme

a blueprint

a pattern

a plan

Longing to posses
the power to recreate

The exquisite image
that evades me
with every revolution

In the blink of an eye
each vision a memory

To render me pining
for "the way it used to be"

All the while missing the vitality
of "the way it is"

How much splendor
does this writer
actually miss

In an effort to
find

a scheme

a blueprint

a pattern

a plan

Sit now and
enjoy the brilliance
of the Kaleidoscope

Be thankful for each
revolution

No longer pining for
that which has passed

For beauty need not
be possessed or understood
to be appreciated

Dances with Me

Try

Please Try

To be more independent

Be

Just Be

Comfortable in your own skin

Trust

With All Your Heart Trust

That your best is good enough

Know

Always Know

That at the end of every day
the one most importantly satisfied
is yourself

Enjoy

Learn to Enjoy

Your own company

Fly

Fly Free

And never question
whether or not you can

Comfort

Comfort is so warm
and inviting
yet so dangerous

Like an addiction

It feels so good
but can be so
destructive at
the same time

It sneaks up
without warning

The fact that we
seek it, desire it
crave it even

Avoiding conflict,
stifled thoughts and
detours

All in an attempt
to remain comfortable

Discomfort awakens
our senses

We become very AWARE that
we are not comfortable

It's not pleasant
so we immediately take
steps to try to comfort
ourselves

Human instinct, like
a baby sucking her thumb

But to seek comfort too quickly
robs one of a most valuable
part of their journey

The part that teaches humility,
appreciation, endurance
and strength

A familiar comfortable place
is good but should not
be sought for hiding

A place to seek refuge from
the journey to be traveled

For to become too comfortable
is to become complacent

Blessings, loved ones,
and even ourselves
can be taken for granted

We must sit in our discomfort
sometimes and become familiar
with our senses

To reap the many lessons
that come from doing so

To truly get to know
ourselves

There...

I see it
even though
you may not
want me to

your vulnerability

I respect it
envy it, am
inspired by it

your truth

It peaks my
curiosity,
not so unlike
my own

your darkness

I value it,
cherish it,
am thankful for it

your friendship

It Would Appear

It would appear
that a troubled soul
is best kept
by a peaceful soul

It would appear

Happy Valentines Day

A lot of love

A little bit of quite

The house is still crying

But tonight my heart is peaceful

Will Somebody Please Take Me Home

I woke up this morning
wondering how in the
hell did I ever get here

What a cluster fuck
mother-in-laws and manic
insignificant others

Blaring television
screaming of normal
conversation

Bitching
non-stop bitching
moaning
complaining

A stranger in
my own home

A home that doesn't
feel like mine at all

Never has, never will

I feel like I am
freaking losing
my mind

Maybe I'll shave my head
and bash in someones car
window with an umbrella

Might as well I feel
like I'm headed
for the psyche ward
anyway

I suppose it might
be quiet there

Security and peace
that's all I wanted
at 19 years old

What an ass

I've been holding
on to THIS for
dear life

20 years of my
dear life

Scared to death
to let it go
because it's
what I know

Leaking leaking
forever leaking
I think this house
is crying

Crying on the inside
just like me

I wanna go home
I don't know where that is
but I wanna go home now

Will Somebody Please Take Me Home

Darting Through Life

My strategy
sling em'
and hope
they stick
on the board

To some
however
a highly
competitive
and precise
game of skill

I liken a
good game
of darts
to life

Sometimes
you can
just sling
shit out there
with no regard
for where it
lands (like on
the swing)

Refreshing yes
always appropriate
well......no

Then there
are the times
in life when
words and
actions must
be well thought
out and perfectly
executed

A lot of times
very much untrue
to our own
characteristics

Be that as it may
sometimes we have
to play "the game"
and be good at it

Making sure that
our darts land
where they were
intended

Other times we
can approach
"the game" with
reckless abandon

Being careful
of course
that stray
darts don't
injure anyone

As with life

Some people
are really
very good
at it

Others just
have fun
and cause
a ruckus to
distract
from the fact
that they really
have no clue
what they're doing

The Power of Words

Truthful jabs
words as weapons

More painful
than a knife

Small shards of
stifled feelings

Escape the
pressure filled
confines of the
heart

Creating a subtle
yet powerful
impact

Disguised as
playful

Often accompanied
by laugher

To further pad
the sharp edges

An attempt at
communication

A subtle
retaliation

Tolerance
on the wane

Hard to say

But this
I know

I am ever
enamored
by the

Simplicity

yet

Unbridled
power

Concealed
in

WORDS

Please God, Let Them See the Train

Children, offspring
a powerful lot
they are

Capable of eliciting
the most intense
of emotions

From the moment
of their arrival
a veritable
cornucopia of
emotions ensue

From the most joyous joy
to the angriest of angry
and every emotion in between

There are precious few
experiences in this life

That will educe the most
proud sense of accomplishment

And

The most painful, searing
sting of inadequacy

Quite possibly
all in a single day

Ever growing individuals
yet extensions of ourselves

They display
some of our
very best qualities

Compassion, Empathy, Thoughtfulness

But they are also constant
reminders of some
of our worst

Disorganization, Discontentment, Inattentiveness

Having already traveled
so many of life's roads

We bear the scars
and harbor memories
of the pain that
these characteristics
have caused us in the past

Being unable to reason
with a child
on his own
journey
down these
well traveled
roads

Is such a painful plight

Frustrating at best
because the knowledge
we have to share
is invaluable

Yet we couldn't seem
more dense to our children

"You just don't get it"
reverberates in my head

Imagine yourself looking down
from a two story window
that has been painted shut

Seeing a person that you would
give your life for standing
on a set of railroad tracks

Behind him, a silent speeding
train approaching

He won't hear you
the window won't open

All you can do is watch
and hope that he eventually
figures out that a train
is coming

Please God, let them
eventually see the train