A domino affect of broken hearts
plans, dreams, and expectations
one pushed down by the next
set in motion by seemingly
innocent feelings for another
A year has passed, many words spoken by some
very few words spoken by others
retribution, retaliation, attempts at reconciliation
lie neatly in rows, each overlapping the next
the first every bit as painful as the last
I revisit this daily
I guess I probably will for the rest of my life
human emotion and feelings have plagued me
since I was just a small child
a recurring theme in my life
I agonized over anything or anyone feeling hurt
left out, neglected, ignored, or disappointed in any way
I would have rather died myself than to think that I
had caused anyone to experience any of these emotions
I would slight myself before I would consider hurting someone else
So I guess it's not surprising
that the events of the past year have traumatized me so
I have experienced everything that has terrified me since I was just a girl
and while this has been by far, one of the most difficult years I have lived
I have learned to value the things that I once took for granted
God
Family
Friends
All the people who love me, warts and all
I know that I cannot change what has already happened
and I feel that I have adequately conveyed my sorrow
I will, in the future, however take more care with my loved ones
let them know that they are cherished, loved and cared for
life is simply too short to be lived in a world centered in self
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
But One Small Speck
Lately I have been wondering if my prayers are heard
and if so, have they been answered?
I do know that every prayer is not answered
at least not in the way we are asking it to be.
And sometimes no answer at all, is actually the answer.
If I really stop and think about it, it's mind boggling.
When I figure that what I am asking of God
might parallel but be directly opposite
to what someone else is asking Him.
So my prayer not being answered,
might actually be the answer to the prayer of another.
Amazingly, he has it all figured out
a plan for me, a plan for you, that has already been mapped out.
Our prayers he hears, even though we are but one small speck
in this vast universe.
Thank God
Monday, February 02, 2009
Hard Rock Star Search and Foolish Fun
Silly school girl fun
it feels so good
It's been a long time
since I have been able to just let go
Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Paris Hilton
and us, party girls with the stars "supposedly"
Ok, so party girls with the security guards
but still such fun
Making memories, building confidence
laughing all the while
Oysters on the half shell
Blue Moon overflowing
Shucking and drinking
floating not sinking
Washing away tears
allowing laughter and love to surface
Partying with friends and loved ones
good food, good fun, a whole new life has begun
it feels so good
It's been a long time
since I have been able to just let go
Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Paris Hilton
and us, party girls with the stars "supposedly"
Ok, so party girls with the security guards
but still such fun
Making memories, building confidence
laughing all the while
Oysters on the half shell
Blue Moon overflowing
Shucking and drinking
floating not sinking
Washing away tears
allowing laughter and love to surface
Partying with friends and loved ones
good food, good fun, a whole new life has begun
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Gloriously Mine
I have come to realize that this road I have been traveling
albeit rocky and pain filled
Has been a slow journey back to my family
something I have subconsciously yearned for
God has been trying to show me
for such a long time
I knew there must be a message
in the recurring mother theme in my life
The bitterness I felt about
his mother, her mother
The jealousy I felt about
her close relationship with her family
The intense grief I felt
at the mention of the death of her mother
It seems that it should have been so easy
so clearly laid out for me to see
But I wasn't paying attention,
clouded by my selfishness, I was sure that I had been wronged
I am doing the best I can at raising
my children
They did the best they could
at raising me
They are not perfect, neither am I
but they are mine and I love them
The good, the bad, the indifferent
I love them for who they are,
they love me for who I am
They're mine, mine, gloriously mine
and I am so thankful that God brought
me to them before it was too late
albeit rocky and pain filled
Has been a slow journey back to my family
something I have subconsciously yearned for
God has been trying to show me
for such a long time
I knew there must be a message
in the recurring mother theme in my life
The bitterness I felt about
his mother, her mother
The jealousy I felt about
her close relationship with her family
The intense grief I felt
at the mention of the death of her mother
It seems that it should have been so easy
so clearly laid out for me to see
But I wasn't paying attention,
clouded by my selfishness, I was sure that I had been wronged
I am doing the best I can at raising
my children
They did the best they could
at raising me
They are not perfect, neither am I
but they are mine and I love them
The good, the bad, the indifferent
I love them for who they are,
they love me for who I am
They're mine, mine, gloriously mine
and I am so thankful that God brought
me to them before it was too late
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Breathe (2 am)
2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you always try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you always try turning around.
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.
Monday, January 19, 2009
A Fool
Over the past few months I have felt like
I have made a complete and total fool of myself.
I got the impression, during one of my counseling sessions
that if you wanted something you needed to make it known.
Never being one to do that, it seemed very foreign
but it made sense to me at the time.
I hurt her, so I needed to do my best to convey to her
that I wanted any and every opportunity to make it right.
While I haven't begged, I have been persistent
only to be ignored, belittled, and patronized.
Treated as if I have no worth,
deserving of no respect at all.
During this time I have experienced
more anger than I ever have in my lifetime.
It has eaten away at my self confidence
rendered me blind to my true inner beauty and light.
Robbed me of precious moments of pride
in my often selfless caring and understanding ways.
I foolishly believed that this person was someone
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Relationships, are difficult under the best of circumstances
lasting ones few and far between.
Things happen, trials, tribulations, tests
these are what make strong relationships stronger.
Arrogance, ignorance, pride, stubbornness, games,
gossip, hatefulness these are what kill them.
It's not a fool who mistakenly thinks they are still in love with someone
It's a fool who couldn't muster up an ounce of kindness
for someone who is sincerely trying to reach out to them.
I have made a complete and total fool of myself.
I got the impression, during one of my counseling sessions
that if you wanted something you needed to make it known.
Never being one to do that, it seemed very foreign
but it made sense to me at the time.
I hurt her, so I needed to do my best to convey to her
that I wanted any and every opportunity to make it right.
While I haven't begged, I have been persistent
only to be ignored, belittled, and patronized.
Treated as if I have no worth,
deserving of no respect at all.
During this time I have experienced
more anger than I ever have in my lifetime.
It has eaten away at my self confidence
rendered me blind to my true inner beauty and light.
Robbed me of precious moments of pride
in my often selfless caring and understanding ways.
I foolishly believed that this person was someone
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Relationships, are difficult under the best of circumstances
lasting ones few and far between.
Things happen, trials, tribulations, tests
these are what make strong relationships stronger.
Arrogance, ignorance, pride, stubbornness, games,
gossip, hatefulness these are what kill them.
It's not a fool who mistakenly thinks they are still in love with someone
It's a fool who couldn't muster up an ounce of kindness
for someone who is sincerely trying to reach out to them.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
To Whom These May Concern
Lying is done with words and also with silence.
~Adrienne Rich
Arrogance really comes from insecurity, and in the end
our feeling that we are bigger than others is really the
flip side of our feeling that we are smaller than others.
~Archbishop Desmond TuTu
True friendship can afford true knowledge.
It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.
~Henry David Thoreau
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
~Martin Luther King Jr.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
~Mohandas Gandhi
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.
~George Bernard Shaw
Arrogance and rudeness are training wheels on the bicycle of life -- for weak people who cannot keep their balance without them.
~Laura Teresa Marquez
Sometimes when you try so hard to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, not even yourself.
~Me
~Adrienne Rich
Arrogance really comes from insecurity, and in the end
our feeling that we are bigger than others is really the
flip side of our feeling that we are smaller than others.
~Archbishop Desmond TuTu
True friendship can afford true knowledge.
It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.
~Henry David Thoreau
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
~Martin Luther King Jr.
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
~Mohandas Gandhi
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.
~George Bernard Shaw
Arrogance and rudeness are training wheels on the bicycle of life -- for weak people who cannot keep their balance without them.
~Laura Teresa Marquez
Sometimes when you try so hard to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, not even yourself.
~Me
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Tears
end of a story, fade to black
time to move forward don't look back
raining grief, cleansing relief
tears
wash away the pain, cleanse my soul
overflowing sadness, make me whole
raining grief, cleansing relief
tears
panic waning, sadness slows
fog is lifting, colors show
raining grief, cleansing relief
tears
cleaning the slate
less guilt, less hate
raining grief, cleansing relief
thank you God for
tears
time to move forward don't look back
raining grief, cleansing relief
tears
wash away the pain, cleanse my soul
overflowing sadness, make me whole
raining grief, cleansing relief
tears
panic waning, sadness slows
fog is lifting, colors show
raining grief, cleansing relief
tears
cleaning the slate
less guilt, less hate
raining grief, cleansing relief
thank you God for
tears
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
The Bridge Ablaze
The bridge is ablaze
Amidst the flames and ashes
A stronger, more confident person emerges
Co-dependence, indulgence, guilt, obligation
Tossed one by one into the inferno
Standing close enough to feel the heat
Yet far enough away to avoid the searing pain of the burn
I watch as the blazing bridge
Once a brilliant structure
Is reduced to ashes of retribution, immaturity, and contempt
Still clinging to anger and bitterness
Not yet ready to let them go
I choose to watch it burn and not turn away
For I must always remember
It took more than just me to build that bridge
and it took more than just me to tear it down
So during moments of weakness
When I might feel the need to turn around and go back
The image of that burning bridge will serve as a reminder
There is absolutely nothing left to take me back there
Amidst the flames and ashes
A stronger, more confident person emerges
Co-dependence, indulgence, guilt, obligation
Tossed one by one into the inferno
Standing close enough to feel the heat
Yet far enough away to avoid the searing pain of the burn
I watch as the blazing bridge
Once a brilliant structure
Is reduced to ashes of retribution, immaturity, and contempt
Still clinging to anger and bitterness
Not yet ready to let them go
I choose to watch it burn and not turn away
For I must always remember
It took more than just me to build that bridge
and it took more than just me to tear it down
So during moments of weakness
When I might feel the need to turn around and go back
The image of that burning bridge will serve as a reminder
There is absolutely nothing left to take me back there
Monday, December 01, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Love is Everything - Jane Siberry
maybe it was to learn how to love
maybe it was to learn how to leave
maybe it was for the games
we played
maybe it was to learn how to choose
maybe it was to learn how to lose
maybe it was for the love we made
love is everything they said it would be
love made sweet and sad the same
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait 'til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving
maybe it was to learn how to fight
maybe it was for the lesson in pride
maybe it was the cowboys' ways
maybe it was to learn not to lie
maybe it was to learn how to cry
maybe it was for the love we made
love is everything they said it would be
love did not hold back the reins
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving
*first she turns to you*
*then she turns to her*
*so you try to hurt her back*
*but it breaks your body down*
*so you try to love bigger*
*bigger still*
*but it...it's too late*
so take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
and know you'll never be the same
and find it in your heart to kneel down and say
i gave my love didn't i?
and i gave it big...sometimes
and i gave it in my own sweet time
i'm just leaving
*love is everything*
maybe it was to learn how to leave
maybe it was for the games
we played
maybe it was to learn how to choose
maybe it was to learn how to lose
maybe it was for the love we made
love is everything they said it would be
love made sweet and sad the same
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait 'til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving
maybe it was to learn how to fight
maybe it was for the lesson in pride
maybe it was the cowboys' ways
maybe it was to learn not to lie
maybe it was to learn how to cry
maybe it was for the love we made
love is everything they said it would be
love did not hold back the reins
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving
*first she turns to you*
*then she turns to her*
*so you try to hurt her back*
*but it breaks your body down*
*so you try to love bigger*
*bigger still*
*but it...it's too late*
so take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
and know you'll never be the same
and find it in your heart to kneel down and say
i gave my love didn't i?
and i gave it big...sometimes
and i gave it in my own sweet time
i'm just leaving
*love is everything*
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Today I Am Most Thankful For
My faith
My family
My friends
Inner peace
A wonderful job
Good food prepared by and for the people I love
Warmth
Comfort
Health
Happiness
The angels among us
~I will try hard not to take these things for granted as I enjoy this, my very favorite holiday.
My family
My friends
Inner peace
A wonderful job
Good food prepared by and for the people I love
Warmth
Comfort
Health
Happiness
The angels among us
~I will try hard not to take these things for granted as I enjoy this, my very favorite holiday.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Open Casting Call - Revisited
To Err is human.....
To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.
Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.
Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.
But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.
Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.
Life is funny like that.
Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Fumbling Toward Acceptance
It hasn't been pretty
and some of my finer moments
have not shown through
I will accept that, however
given the nature of the circumstances
humans do not function at their best when their hearts are breaking
I have been fooling myself
with my eyes wide shut
there have been no illusions here
I have simply focused only on what I wanted to see
blocked out what I didn't
and hoped for what I foolishly thought would be a miracle
I'm not sure whether going through something like this
dramatically changes someone for the good or the bad
or if traits that were always there become more apparent during the fall out
I will probably never know, but either way
once endured, this pain cannot be stricken from memory
scars remain etched like tattoos on the heart, soul and mind
An emotional sword wielded inflicts wounds
every bit as severe as a sword made of steel
tears shed, no blood, but every bit as painful and damaging
I'm tired now, weary and my judgment is waning
I'm hearing things in your voice that simply aren't there
I'm grasping for hope in the most insignificant of gestures
Dignity, self respect and loyalty to ones own self worth
to lose sight of these would mean dying a long, slow, painful death
I must do everything in my power to preserve them
I will never be able to walk among your peers
without knowing that I have been harshly judged and sentenced
by many of whom are guilty of the same, or worse, offenses
I am struggling to go back to a home from which I have been banished
comfort no longer resides there, compassion and love, luxuries of the past
just a pile of burning rubble and shards of glass lay where it used to stand
I must pack up the memories that for now are too painful to recall
everything else I will dispose of or have melded into something new
to symbolize my long awaited acceptance
and some of my finer moments
have not shown through
I will accept that, however
given the nature of the circumstances
humans do not function at their best when their hearts are breaking
I have been fooling myself
with my eyes wide shut
there have been no illusions here
I have simply focused only on what I wanted to see
blocked out what I didn't
and hoped for what I foolishly thought would be a miracle
I'm not sure whether going through something like this
dramatically changes someone for the good or the bad
or if traits that were always there become more apparent during the fall out
I will probably never know, but either way
once endured, this pain cannot be stricken from memory
scars remain etched like tattoos on the heart, soul and mind
An emotional sword wielded inflicts wounds
every bit as severe as a sword made of steel
tears shed, no blood, but every bit as painful and damaging
I'm tired now, weary and my judgment is waning
I'm hearing things in your voice that simply aren't there
I'm grasping for hope in the most insignificant of gestures
Dignity, self respect and loyalty to ones own self worth
to lose sight of these would mean dying a long, slow, painful death
I must do everything in my power to preserve them
I will never be able to walk among your peers
without knowing that I have been harshly judged and sentenced
by many of whom are guilty of the same, or worse, offenses
I am struggling to go back to a home from which I have been banished
comfort no longer resides there, compassion and love, luxuries of the past
just a pile of burning rubble and shards of glass lay where it used to stand
I must pack up the memories that for now are too painful to recall
everything else I will dispose of or have melded into something new
to symbolize my long awaited acceptance
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Greater Ways
I am finding
there are far greater ways
to hurt someone and
damage a relationship
than having an affair
It certainly does have
a more dramatic flare
to say "she cheated on me!!!"
it will definitely summon
a greater number of supporters
Maybe it's those supporters
who lead you to believe
that I have no worth
that my feelings don't matter
that you don't owe me anything
If that's the case
I am truly sorry
for a life of anger and bitterness
is a fate worse than death
My pain will subside and I will move on
I am sad though because these recent memories
are tainting any good memories
that I had of the past 10 years
I don't even know you anymore
I'm sure it wasn't just the affair
that caused this shift in your personality
I've sensed it was there all along
there are far greater ways
to hurt someone and
damage a relationship
than having an affair
It certainly does have
a more dramatic flare
to say "she cheated on me!!!"
it will definitely summon
a greater number of supporters
Maybe it's those supporters
who lead you to believe
that I have no worth
that my feelings don't matter
that you don't owe me anything
If that's the case
I am truly sorry
for a life of anger and bitterness
is a fate worse than death
My pain will subside and I will move on
I am sad though because these recent memories
are tainting any good memories
that I had of the past 10 years
I don't even know you anymore
I'm sure it wasn't just the affair
that caused this shift in your personality
I've sensed it was there all along
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The Presents of Me
Running on a hillside
she and me
Basking in the sunlight
happy and free
No worries, no sadness
just beauty for miles
Warmth and love
giggles and smiles
Flowers of every color and size
on a canvas of green and blue
Dew drops on grass blades
cast prisms of light
Shimmering, glittering
bouncing and bright
Dancing and singing
whirling and twirl
Just me and this magical
whimsical girl
She's happy and brilliant
mysterious and fun
She's creative and caring
considers everyone
At times I lose sight of
her goodness so rare
I must cherish her, keep her
in good loving care
A soul so well meaning
a heart of pure gold
So eager to share
the gifts she beholds
I steady my focus, her image I see
I'm warmed by her presence
The presents of me
she and me
Basking in the sunlight
happy and free
No worries, no sadness
just beauty for miles
Warmth and love
giggles and smiles
Flowers of every color and size
on a canvas of green and blue
Dew drops on grass blades
cast prisms of light
Shimmering, glittering
bouncing and bright
Dancing and singing
whirling and twirl
Just me and this magical
whimsical girl
She's happy and brilliant
mysterious and fun
She's creative and caring
considers everyone
At times I lose sight of
her goodness so rare
I must cherish her, keep her
in good loving care
A soul so well meaning
a heart of pure gold
So eager to share
the gifts she beholds
I steady my focus, her image I see
I'm warmed by her presence
The presents of me
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Destination Unknown
I recently read a quote
~I really love to read quotes
It read:
"Life is the journey, not the destination"
Since the day I entered this world
I have been in a hurry
As a newborn I had to stay in the hospital
because I tried to finish my bottle all in one gulp
Today, I still eat very fast
seldom taking time enjoy the taste of what I'm eating
I'm finding that I live my life
very much in the same way
Darting from destination to destination
never taking time to enjoy the journey
I've always feared and hated change
maybe I figure the quicker I get where I'm going
The less likely it will be
that I will have to deal with detours in my path
Maybe it's the safety I crave
I feel vulnerable on a journey, less so at a destination
However there is a certain impulsiveness
that comes from being afraid of the journey
If I quickly rush from "here" to "there"
I can spare myself any pain that the journey may afford
There is also a restlessness that comes
from avoiding the journey, missing out on life's experiences
I have at times become obsessive about a destination
causing myself to loose sight of the journey completely
Looking back this has many times been the case
in some of the bad decisions I have made
I have been blessed with the insight
and the wisdom to learn this about myself
Now it's up to me to slow down and walk along side myself
with no preconceived idea or plan
Just me, living for the moment
learning to comfort myself, reveling in my journey
Destination Unknown
~I really love to read quotes
It read:
"Life is the journey, not the destination"
Since the day I entered this world
I have been in a hurry
As a newborn I had to stay in the hospital
because I tried to finish my bottle all in one gulp
Today, I still eat very fast
seldom taking time enjoy the taste of what I'm eating
I'm finding that I live my life
very much in the same way
Darting from destination to destination
never taking time to enjoy the journey
I've always feared and hated change
maybe I figure the quicker I get where I'm going
The less likely it will be
that I will have to deal with detours in my path
Maybe it's the safety I crave
I feel vulnerable on a journey, less so at a destination
However there is a certain impulsiveness
that comes from being afraid of the journey
If I quickly rush from "here" to "there"
I can spare myself any pain that the journey may afford
There is also a restlessness that comes
from avoiding the journey, missing out on life's experiences
I have at times become obsessive about a destination
causing myself to loose sight of the journey completely
Looking back this has many times been the case
in some of the bad decisions I have made
I have been blessed with the insight
and the wisdom to learn this about myself
Now it's up to me to slow down and walk along side myself
with no preconceived idea or plan
Just me, living for the moment
learning to comfort myself, reveling in my journey
Destination Unknown
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thoughts on Contempt
Contempt Defined - the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
To hold someone in contempt is to consider them to be unworthy of respect.
Quotes on Contempt
“Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings.” ~Ann Miller, American writer
“Wrongs are often forgiven; contempt never” ~ Lord Chesterfield, British statesman
To hold someone in contempt is to consider them to be unworthy of respect.
Quotes on Contempt
“Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings.” ~Ann Miller, American writer
“Wrongs are often forgiven; contempt never” ~ Lord Chesterfield, British statesman
Friday, November 14, 2008
What Really Matters
Yesterday I was treating a 40 year old woman diagnosed with cervical cancer that had metastasized to her bowl and bladder. After a total hysterectomy, removal of a section of her bowel and her bladder, I stood and watched as she pushed through her emotional and physical pain, simply because she wanted to see her kids grow up.
At that very moment I realized that none of this matters at all. This is just a small bump in my road, not a major life altering event.
Today, I thank God, set down another heavy pack and continue on my journey. For now, I am blessed with health. I am good, well meaning, kind and I am worthy of all these things abundantly in return. Life is just too short.
At that very moment I realized that none of this matters at all. This is just a small bump in my road, not a major life altering event.
Today, I thank God, set down another heavy pack and continue on my journey. For now, I am blessed with health. I am good, well meaning, kind and I am worthy of all these things abundantly in return. Life is just too short.
Friday, November 07, 2008
I'm Alive
The problem with keeping yourself
too protected and never taking any risk
Is that someday, sometime
you have to do it
You have to step outside
of your box and let life happen
It pulls you, calls you
haunts you even
You have to experience
the greatest pain, the most intense joy
The full spectrum of emotion
that life has to offer
It is out of these experiences
that you learn how to cope
You begin to appreciate
that you are a lot stronger
than you give yourself credit for
No one can tell you how it feels
you simply have to live it, create your own life experience
Life is most certainly not a spectator sport
it is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is
I am, however, so thankful to be experiencing it
in all of its confusing, conflicted and painful glory
I feel like I am finally accomplishing something big
something I've been putting off for a very, very long time
I am experiencing life
Painfully enlightening, enchantingly serendipitous
packed with jewels of wisdom and insight
Experiences, my experiences
Trials and errors, good and bad
Their mine, all mine
and I want to feel them all
The searing pain of defeat
the gut wrenching agony of anger
Guilt, elation, love and hate
jealousy, admiration, fear,
contentment, accomplishment,
success and failure
I want to feel, I need to feel
for if I don't feel then I'm not alive
and
I have not been living
for way too long
too protected and never taking any risk
Is that someday, sometime
you have to do it
You have to step outside
of your box and let life happen
It pulls you, calls you
haunts you even
You have to experience
the greatest pain, the most intense joy
The full spectrum of emotion
that life has to offer
It is out of these experiences
that you learn how to cope
You begin to appreciate
that you are a lot stronger
than you give yourself credit for
No one can tell you how it feels
you simply have to live it, create your own life experience
Life is most certainly not a spectator sport
it is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is
I am, however, so thankful to be experiencing it
in all of its confusing, conflicted and painful glory
I feel like I am finally accomplishing something big
something I've been putting off for a very, very long time
I am experiencing life
Painfully enlightening, enchantingly serendipitous
packed with jewels of wisdom and insight
Experiences, my experiences
Trials and errors, good and bad
Their mine, all mine
and I want to feel them all
The searing pain of defeat
the gut wrenching agony of anger
Guilt, elation, love and hate
jealousy, admiration, fear,
contentment, accomplishment,
success and failure
I want to feel, I need to feel
for if I don't feel then I'm not alive
and
I have not been living
for way too long
Thursday, November 06, 2008
With Love From Your Biggest Fan
When I think of words to describe you
"self centered" is definitely not one of them
I wouldn't even know where to begin
I don't know what I would have done without you
You always find an encouraging word
even when your own heart is breaking
You have shown me what it means
to be a very true friend, even in the face of adversity
Brave (the nicest thing anyone has ever called me)
That is you sweet girl.....Brave is most certainly you
Also you....
Strong, Kind, Understanding, Determined, Loving, Caring,
Intelligent, Generous, Loyal, Sincere, Giving,
Honest, Responsible, Respectful, Spiritual
and even though you hate it......Sweet ;)
Thank you seems so insignificant
but for you, I am truly thankful
Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
and Always
I am your Biggest Fan!!
"self centered" is definitely not one of them
I wouldn't even know where to begin
I don't know what I would have done without you
You always find an encouraging word
even when your own heart is breaking
You have shown me what it means
to be a very true friend, even in the face of adversity
Brave (the nicest thing anyone has ever called me)
That is you sweet girl.....Brave is most certainly you
Also you....
Strong, Kind, Understanding, Determined, Loving, Caring,
Intelligent, Generous, Loyal, Sincere, Giving,
Honest, Responsible, Respectful, Spiritual
and even though you hate it......Sweet ;)
Thank you seems so insignificant
but for you, I am truly thankful
Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
and Always
I am your Biggest Fan!!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Some Observations on Isolation
Isolation....
Working in a hospital I see it all the time. Patients are in isolation rooms for many reasons, mainly to protect them and the people entering the room from germs and the spread of them. It means donning isolation garb, a plastic gown, gloves and a mask before entering the patent's room. You go in with nothing exposed but your neck, eyes, and the back of your head.
Some days, today for example, I wish I could wear isolation garb in every room, in the hallways and the cafeteria even, because I just feel like keeping a barrier between me and the world. Some days are just like that I suppose.
If the poor patient happens to have some really scary disease, like flesh eating bacteria, I am always so very thankful for the extra layer. If they poop I find myself wishing for more gowns, wading boots, a tarp even. Always thankful for that mask when bad smells are lurking.....Oh so thankful. Some of the worst smells ever, in a hospital.
There are times when I am working hard in isolation and I get very sweaty because plastic doesn't breathe. If I get winded, that's no fun either because the only air you have is the last breath you just breathed. It's hot and close and can evoke a sense of panic. I hate that and typically curse having to wear all that gear on those days.
One day I was working with an O.T. and a tech in a nice little old man's room. We were all buzzing around getting things ready to get him up and moving about. He very sweetly called to us. "Can I ask you girls a favor?" he said in a tired, low voice. We all approached his bedside peering down at him. "Would you all take down your masks for just a minute so I can see your faces?" Of course behind each of our masks was the warmest of smiles for this very sweet little man. It's scary enough being in the hospital, it must be really scary to have everyone wear protective gear when they come into your room.
I go through periods where it seems that every patient I have is on isolation and that gets to be a drag, especially if you want to take the patient for a walk outside of the room. Then you have to gown them up too. The patients hate it.
Burn patients are on what's called, reverse isolation. That is to protect them from any germs that people who come in the room might have on their clothes or skin. The procedure is the same; gown, gloves, and mask. I remember my very first burn patient, I was so nervous, he was wrapped in gauze from head to toe like a mummy. They have to be unwrapped and re-wrapped in a special dressing before they can be seen for therapy. I kept having to leave the room for supplies, I must have gowned up 10 times for that one treatment. After I was done with his treatment I smiled and said my usual, "can I get you anything before I go?" Thank God I was wearing a mask when he answered, "I would love a cup of juice please,"so he didn't see my mouth drop at the thought of having to un-gown and re-gown yet one more time.
Oh and one last thing, you haven't truly worked in health care until you have sneezed with a isolation mask on. There just really are no words....
No real point here, just some observations on isolation.
Working in a hospital I see it all the time. Patients are in isolation rooms for many reasons, mainly to protect them and the people entering the room from germs and the spread of them. It means donning isolation garb, a plastic gown, gloves and a mask before entering the patent's room. You go in with nothing exposed but your neck, eyes, and the back of your head.
Some days, today for example, I wish I could wear isolation garb in every room, in the hallways and the cafeteria even, because I just feel like keeping a barrier between me and the world. Some days are just like that I suppose.
If the poor patient happens to have some really scary disease, like flesh eating bacteria, I am always so very thankful for the extra layer. If they poop I find myself wishing for more gowns, wading boots, a tarp even. Always thankful for that mask when bad smells are lurking.....Oh so thankful. Some of the worst smells ever, in a hospital.
There are times when I am working hard in isolation and I get very sweaty because plastic doesn't breathe. If I get winded, that's no fun either because the only air you have is the last breath you just breathed. It's hot and close and can evoke a sense of panic. I hate that and typically curse having to wear all that gear on those days.
One day I was working with an O.T. and a tech in a nice little old man's room. We were all buzzing around getting things ready to get him up and moving about. He very sweetly called to us. "Can I ask you girls a favor?" he said in a tired, low voice. We all approached his bedside peering down at him. "Would you all take down your masks for just a minute so I can see your faces?" Of course behind each of our masks was the warmest of smiles for this very sweet little man. It's scary enough being in the hospital, it must be really scary to have everyone wear protective gear when they come into your room.
I go through periods where it seems that every patient I have is on isolation and that gets to be a drag, especially if you want to take the patient for a walk outside of the room. Then you have to gown them up too. The patients hate it.
Burn patients are on what's called, reverse isolation. That is to protect them from any germs that people who come in the room might have on their clothes or skin. The procedure is the same; gown, gloves, and mask. I remember my very first burn patient, I was so nervous, he was wrapped in gauze from head to toe like a mummy. They have to be unwrapped and re-wrapped in a special dressing before they can be seen for therapy. I kept having to leave the room for supplies, I must have gowned up 10 times for that one treatment. After I was done with his treatment I smiled and said my usual, "can I get you anything before I go?" Thank God I was wearing a mask when he answered, "I would love a cup of juice please,"so he didn't see my mouth drop at the thought of having to un-gown and re-gown yet one more time.
Oh and one last thing, you haven't truly worked in health care until you have sneezed with a isolation mask on. There just really are no words....
No real point here, just some observations on isolation.
The Sun to Rise Again
With morning comes a new perspective
the sun to rise again
A new day to embrace
a new journey on which to embark
I can finally lay down this pack of burden
guilt, longing, clinging to the past
For the past, as I knew it
is no longer there
The past has now become the present
and it is mine to mold and shape
I will set my sights on the horizon
and the wonderful new adventures that await me
I choose to forgive those who I feel have wronged me
letting go of anger and it's destructive hold
Yes, I am sad
but my heart is light
With a sense of relief
I move on now toward the future
and the wonderful uncertainty it holds
For with each new morning
comes new perspective
The sun to rise again............
the sun to rise again
A new day to embrace
a new journey on which to embark
I can finally lay down this pack of burden
guilt, longing, clinging to the past
For the past, as I knew it
is no longer there
The past has now become the present
and it is mine to mold and shape
I will set my sights on the horizon
and the wonderful new adventures that await me
I choose to forgive those who I feel have wronged me
letting go of anger and it's destructive hold
Yes, I am sad
but my heart is light
With a sense of relief
I move on now toward the future
and the wonderful uncertainty it holds
For with each new morning
comes new perspective
The sun to rise again............
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I Choose Peace
The time has come
that I must learn
to find my own consolation
In times of discord and uncertainty
the very best I can do
is search within myself for comfort
Acquaintances are quick to offer
judgment and pseudo concern
only to increase the turmoil within
Friends and loved ones lend an ear
genuinely concerned for my well being
but don't truly get to see the picture
The view from where I'm standing
snug inside my own skin
peering out from behind my own eyes
Writhing in my own pain
basking in my own glory
the star of my very own show
I choose.....
When to change the channel
when to turn it off completely
and who gets to attend
I choose.....
How people get to treat me
who I can trust
and where I go from here
I choose.....
To live in Peace
that I must learn
to find my own consolation
In times of discord and uncertainty
the very best I can do
is search within myself for comfort
Acquaintances are quick to offer
judgment and pseudo concern
only to increase the turmoil within
Friends and loved ones lend an ear
genuinely concerned for my well being
but don't truly get to see the picture
The view from where I'm standing
snug inside my own skin
peering out from behind my own eyes
Writhing in my own pain
basking in my own glory
the star of my very own show
I choose.....
When to change the channel
when to turn it off completely
and who gets to attend
I choose.....
How people get to treat me
who I can trust
and where I go from here
I choose.....
To live in Peace
Free Fall
Suspended high above the ground below
I am slowly losing my grip
My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets
My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do
My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like
Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided
I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet
I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue
Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge
I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can
Why can't I just let go?
It's gone, over, done
the PAST
It really is time to just let.......
Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?
Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear
What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?
Who will take care of me?
I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns
My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms
At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE
I am slowly losing my grip
My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets
My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do
My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like
Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided
I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet
I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue
Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge
I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can
Why can't I just let go?
It's gone, over, done
the PAST
It really is time to just let.......
Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?
Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear
What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?
Who will take care of me?
I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns
My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms
At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
My Greatest Needs
At a time in my life
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told
"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"
So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care
With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul
Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"
I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them
When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills
Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7
The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children
These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship
For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness
As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same
Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success
The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle
"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.
I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."
God has not failed me
I have not failed myself
It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot
Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal
But in my heart, I know.......
While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way
And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met
My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved
and
The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......
They will do the same for me
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told
"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"
So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care
With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul
Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"
I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them
When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills
Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7
The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children
These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship
For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness
As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same
Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success
The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle
"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.
I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."
God has not failed me
I have not failed myself
It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot
Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal
But in my heart, I know.......
While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way
And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met
My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved
and
The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......
They will do the same for me
Monday, October 27, 2008
Today I Choose.....
To concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past
To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same
To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me
To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend
To be thankful for my family
To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"
To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it
To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for
To believe that anything is possible
To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers
To laugh more
To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while
To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it
To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not
To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too
To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions
To reach out and touch someone with kindness
To not try and fix everything
To listen more
To love myself
To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same
To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me
To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend
To be thankful for my family
To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"
To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it
To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for
To believe that anything is possible
To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers
To laugh more
To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while
To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it
To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not
To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too
To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions
To reach out and touch someone with kindness
To not try and fix everything
To listen more
To love myself
Every Shade of Color in Between
Each morning when I hear my alarm
and open my eyes to focus on the day
I know that I have been blessed
Blessed with another opportunity
to soak in the lessons to be learned
from the vastness of living
Another chance to succeed
another chance to fail
but most importantly another chance to try
Sometimes the choices we make
work out beautifully
like a well executed plan
Giving the appearance
that we have mastered this life
and achieved success
Promoting confidence, pride
and a sense of well being
resulting in great happiness
Other times our choices
send life spinning out of control
with not a patch of solid ground in sight
Often inflicting great pain
upon ourselves and others
in the wake of the consequences
This renders us helpless and frail
leaving us to question
our motives, morals, and intellect
If we are lucky enough to survive
from these life altering choices
a gift of great knowledge abounds
For it is these experiences,
both joyful and painfully gut wrenching
that teach us what works, what doesn't
and......
Every shade of color in between
Monday, October 20, 2008
When Sorry Is Not Enough
Throughout my life
sorry has always been enough
It is such a powerful word
when it's said with sincerity
I realize now, however,
that sorry isn't always enough
When you pull the rug
out from under the feet of another
Trample on a heart
as if it were a door mat
Treat a fragile soul
with reckless carelessness
"I'm Sorry" seems almost insulting
"Time heals all things"
I have heard that saying so many times
Never once did I take a moment
to ponder what that might imply
"Actions speak louder than words"
another redundant phrase never pondered
In a situation such as this I am finding
that I must first forgive myself
I then must adjust my actions
to reflect my sorrow and pray
That time really does heal things
when sorry is not enough
sorry has always been enough
It is such a powerful word
when it's said with sincerity
I realize now, however,
that sorry isn't always enough
When you pull the rug
out from under the feet of another
Trample on a heart
as if it were a door mat
Treat a fragile soul
with reckless carelessness
"I'm Sorry" seems almost insulting
"Time heals all things"
I have heard that saying so many times
Never once did I take a moment
to ponder what that might imply
"Actions speak louder than words"
another redundant phrase never pondered
In a situation such as this I am finding
that I must first forgive myself
I then must adjust my actions
to reflect my sorrow and pray
That time really does heal things
when sorry is not enough
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Friday, October 03, 2008
My Sea
Swells of emotion of every sort
surging like waves methodically crashing
on the white sandy beaches that line my soul
Just as I get my footing, begin to stand
another wave breaks at my feet
toppling me, again
Into the sea, my sea
A sea, at times so peaceful
it appears to be an unending sheet
of the most beautiful Satin
A sea, at times so turbulent,
it takes every bit of strength
just to keep my balance
The vastness of the spectrum is exhausting
it takes my breath, renders me delicate
yet empowered
For I am at the helm of this vessel,
chosen to navigate these waters
by an all knowing spirit
One who would never trust
a vessel such as this
to the weak or feeble
I CAN do this!
surging like waves methodically crashing
on the white sandy beaches that line my soul
Just as I get my footing, begin to stand
another wave breaks at my feet
toppling me, again
Into the sea, my sea
A sea, at times so peaceful
it appears to be an unending sheet
of the most beautiful Satin
A sea, at times so turbulent,
it takes every bit of strength
just to keep my balance
The vastness of the spectrum is exhausting
it takes my breath, renders me delicate
yet empowered
For I am at the helm of this vessel,
chosen to navigate these waters
by an all knowing spirit
One who would never trust
a vessel such as this
to the weak or feeble
I CAN do this!
A Gift in the Truest Sense
Every now and again in this life
we are fortunate enough to run into people
who just get it
They inherently know when we just need
an extra bit of understanding
a smile, a nod, a kind word, a soft hand
Even when they don't truly understand
just the fact that they act like they do
is so very comforting
Most often we don't have any idea
what another soul is experiencing
actually it's not our job to know
But the truest gifts are bestowed
by those who don't question
but simply realize
That the most sincere understanding
is acknowledging, without judging
what is not understood at all
we are fortunate enough to run into people
who just get it
They inherently know when we just need
an extra bit of understanding
a smile, a nod, a kind word, a soft hand
Even when they don't truly understand
just the fact that they act like they do
is so very comforting
Most often we don't have any idea
what another soul is experiencing
actually it's not our job to know
But the truest gifts are bestowed
by those who don't question
but simply realize
That the most sincere understanding
is acknowledging, without judging
what is not understood at all
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Dear God
Please take the past from me.
I was careless with the heart of another, which I regret.
I go back to that moment,
And I give it to You.
Please, dear God,
Make right my wrongs
And take away my sorrow.
Forgive me, please.
May I begin again.
Amen.
I was careless with the heart of another, which I regret.
I go back to that moment,
And I give it to You.
Please, dear God,
Make right my wrongs
And take away my sorrow.
Forgive me, please.
May I begin again.
Amen.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Voyage
One ship goes North and another South
'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales
That determine the way they go
Like the ships at sea, are the ways of fate
As we voyage along through life
'Tis the set of the soul that decides the goal
And not the calm or strife
~Author Unknown
'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales
That determine the way they go
Like the ships at sea, are the ways of fate
As we voyage along through life
'Tis the set of the soul that decides the goal
And not the calm or strife
~Author Unknown
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Oh What A Difference Professionalism Makes
Wow! How blind we become
to absolutely inadequate management
I have learned more in the past 3 days
than I learned in the past 4 months
well, physical therapy related information, anyway
I mean, far be it from me to tell someone
how to manage their department
But
For some reason I don't think mastering school girl clique management
is something the APTA is really concerned about
Written rules and regulations
with documented consequences
Policies, manuals, protocols, documenting what you do
bless the brilliant soul who came up with those ideas
As opposed to just making some shit up
if you don't like someone's personal choices
At least that way you have a snowballs chance in hell
to know if you're COMIN' or GOIN'
Best of all, the same rules apply to EVERYONE
From the big mouthed, blond haired, drunk
to the terminally miserable, mayonnaise monger
everyone is held to the same standard
No chance of being terminated for doing something
that is apparently only acceptable for the inner circle
of which you are no longer a member
What a novel idea to verify someone's skills
before turning them loose on some unsuspecting patient
I could have dropped one and it would have had less impact
than me stepping out the back door to listen to a voice mail
It amazes me the amount of money that some people are paid
to be glorified preschool teachers, crappy ones at that
I digress, but only for a moment
to absolutely inadequate management
I have learned more in the past 3 days
than I learned in the past 4 months
well, physical therapy related information, anyway
I mean, far be it from me to tell someone
how to manage their department
But
For some reason I don't think mastering school girl clique management
is something the APTA is really concerned about
Written rules and regulations
with documented consequences
Policies, manuals, protocols, documenting what you do
bless the brilliant soul who came up with those ideas
As opposed to just making some shit up
if you don't like someone's personal choices
At least that way you have a snowballs chance in hell
to know if you're COMIN' or GOIN'
Best of all, the same rules apply to EVERYONE
From the big mouthed, blond haired, drunk
to the terminally miserable, mayonnaise monger
everyone is held to the same standard
No chance of being terminated for doing something
that is apparently only acceptable for the inner circle
of which you are no longer a member
What a novel idea to verify someone's skills
before turning them loose on some unsuspecting patient
I could have dropped one and it would have had less impact
than me stepping out the back door to listen to a voice mail
It amazes me the amount of money that some people are paid
to be glorified preschool teachers, crappy ones at that
I digress, but only for a moment
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Favorite Quotes by Mohandas Gandhi
Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.
Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings.
The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.
A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.
Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings.
The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.
A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Open Casting Call
To Err is human.....
To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.
Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.
Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.
But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.
Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.
Life is funny like that.
Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Who Knew?
Normal by definition: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected
I don't think that conforming to a standard is what I'm longing for
Usual, typical, expected, that sounds more like it
I can't really ever remember a time in my life when things weren't
Usual
Typical
Expected
Ironic, given that my persona is "Anything But Ordinary"
Seek the unusual
Avoid typical
Expect the unexpected
It is Usual to get up and go to work
It is Typical to work a full day and come home exhausted
It is Expected that a paycheck will be in the bank every two weeks
The Universe can have quite an interesting sense of humor, yes?
The very things you loath can become the very things you crave at any given moment
Usual
Typical
Expected
Who Knew?
I don't think that conforming to a standard is what I'm longing for
Usual, typical, expected, that sounds more like it
I can't really ever remember a time in my life when things weren't
Usual
Typical
Expected
Ironic, given that my persona is "Anything But Ordinary"
Seek the unusual
Avoid typical
Expect the unexpected
It is Usual to get up and go to work
It is Typical to work a full day and come home exhausted
It is Expected that a paycheck will be in the bank every two weeks
The Universe can have quite an interesting sense of humor, yes?
The very things you loath can become the very things you crave at any given moment
Usual
Typical
Expected
Who Knew?
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Life's Rough Road
Sometimes in life we experience bumps in the road
bumps that sometimes knock us completely off course
Even if the course we were on was a really good one
we still get side tracked and suffer set backs
I can't be sure but I think sometimes these bumps
help us to appreciate our previous and present courses
So that we don't get too comfortable in our travels
for if the road becomes too familiar we may stop paying attention
As soon as we stop paying attention a collision is eminent
causing sometimes irreparable damage to our current course
Occasionally our previous course can be retrieved and repairs made
with work one may never even know that a collision has occurred
Sadly enough we don't realize that we have stopped watching for bumps
until we have a really big collision then it's often too late
bumps that sometimes knock us completely off course
Even if the course we were on was a really good one
we still get side tracked and suffer set backs
I can't be sure but I think sometimes these bumps
help us to appreciate our previous and present courses
So that we don't get too comfortable in our travels
for if the road becomes too familiar we may stop paying attention
As soon as we stop paying attention a collision is eminent
causing sometimes irreparable damage to our current course
Occasionally our previous course can be retrieved and repairs made
with work one may never even know that a collision has occurred
Sadly enough we don't realize that we have stopped watching for bumps
until we have a really big collision then it's often too late
Thursday, April 24, 2008
A Scandal and a Scorn to All Who Look on Thee
Why can't I just forget about it
keep it out of my head
Probably because it has shaken me
down to my very foundation
Decisions that I make in my personal life
should never, ever effect my professional life
It's wrong, just plain wrong
on so many levels
Tried and convicted by a jury of my peers
peers that have no right to judge me or anyone else
The ultimate sentence carried out by my boss
someone who is supposed to act responsibly, professionally
I am so naive to think that things like this don't happen
taking a hit that left a gaping hole in my confidence
The hole shows, in my interviews
my confidence waining with each passing day
I'm so sick of going on interviews
tired of sitting once again in judgment
People ask me why I am so angry
I'm angry because of God damned judgmental people who act like that I am the only person in the fucking world who has ever made a mistake
Judge not, lest ye be judged
Judge not, lest ye be judged
I didn't slaughter or massacre
I didn't maim or dismember
For crying out loud
I'm a human fucking being
I don't deserve to be ignored
Made to feel guilty at every turn
I do take responsibility for my actions
I do admit to causing pain and I'm sorry for that
But I never professed to be without fault
without sin
Why am I being crucified
stoned, tarred and feathered,
lynched, persecuted, ostracized
FUCK
I'm just a mere mortal, human, learning lessons as I go along, just like everyone else
Would somebody just cut me some fucking slack here
just back the fuck off for awhile
keep it out of my head
Probably because it has shaken me
down to my very foundation
Decisions that I make in my personal life
should never, ever effect my professional life
It's wrong, just plain wrong
on so many levels
Tried and convicted by a jury of my peers
peers that have no right to judge me or anyone else
The ultimate sentence carried out by my boss
someone who is supposed to act responsibly, professionally
I am so naive to think that things like this don't happen
taking a hit that left a gaping hole in my confidence
The hole shows, in my interviews
my confidence waining with each passing day
I'm so sick of going on interviews
tired of sitting once again in judgment
People ask me why I am so angry
I'm angry because of God damned judgmental people who act like that I am the only person in the fucking world who has ever made a mistake
Judge not, lest ye be judged
Judge not, lest ye be judged
I didn't slaughter or massacre
I didn't maim or dismember
For crying out loud
I'm a human fucking being
I don't deserve to be ignored
Made to feel guilty at every turn
I do take responsibility for my actions
I do admit to causing pain and I'm sorry for that
But I never professed to be without fault
without sin
Why am I being crucified
stoned, tarred and feathered,
lynched, persecuted, ostracized
FUCK
I'm just a mere mortal, human, learning lessons as I go along, just like everyone else
Would somebody just cut me some fucking slack here
just back the fuck off for awhile
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
The Faces of Evil
Wicked
Malignant
Vicious
Destructive
Harmful
Hurtful
Injurious
Detrimental
Deleterious
Ruinous
Nasty
Horrible
Foul
Disgusting
Bad
Wrong
Corrupt
Depraved
Vicious
Malicious
Diabolical
Shocking
Despicable
Atrocious
Malignant
Vicious
Destructive
Harmful
Hurtful
Injurious
Detrimental
Deleterious
Ruinous
Nasty
Horrible
Foul
Disgusting
Bad
Wrong
Corrupt
Depraved
Vicious
Malicious
Diabolical
Shocking
Despicable
Atrocious
Broken
I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore
the worst feeling in the world
very isolating, so alone
Worse, I don't even trust myself
in this house of mirrors
that's become my life
A mirror at every turn,
I find myself standing in front of
struggling to recognize the distorted figure
I've traveled miles
but have gotten nowhere
Endured unimaginable pain
scars in various stages of healing
I never asked to be examined
under a microscope
To have every personal detail
and indiscretion of my life
aired for the world to see
To judge...
Ironically there's a lot to judge
considering the lack of experience under the Personal
Relationships heading on my life's resume
Bad judgment on my part, luck of the draw
who knows, I press on
My nature has always been to trust
once I've let someone in anyway
I guess my not letting many people in
is why that Personal Relationships heading
on my life's resume is so short
I'm not discriminatory,
just very, very cautious
Ever terrified of feeling
the way I do right now
Standing vulnerable in front
of yet another distorted mirror
Broken
the worst feeling in the world
very isolating, so alone
Worse, I don't even trust myself
in this house of mirrors
that's become my life
A mirror at every turn,
I find myself standing in front of
struggling to recognize the distorted figure
I've traveled miles
but have gotten nowhere
Endured unimaginable pain
scars in various stages of healing
I never asked to be examined
under a microscope
To have every personal detail
and indiscretion of my life
aired for the world to see
To judge...
Ironically there's a lot to judge
considering the lack of experience under the Personal
Relationships heading on my life's resume
Bad judgment on my part, luck of the draw
who knows, I press on
My nature has always been to trust
once I've let someone in anyway
I guess my not letting many people in
is why that Personal Relationships heading
on my life's resume is so short
I'm not discriminatory,
just very, very cautious
Ever terrified of feeling
the way I do right now
Standing vulnerable in front
of yet another distorted mirror
Broken
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I Always Knew.......
You would let me go easily.
You could be very hateful if crossed.
You would completely shut me out.
I never imagined.....
You would stop at nothing for revenge.
It's so unbecoming, but it has made my decision so much easier.
You could be very hateful if crossed.
You would completely shut me out.
I never imagined.....
You would stop at nothing for revenge.
It's so unbecoming, but it has made my decision so much easier.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
If You Live in Glass Houses........
Face to face friends wielding knives, it can work, if you don't turn your back
Unbecoming, this behavior of supposed professionals, worse yet, church goers
Casting of stones by those who apparently have no past indiscretions, how original
Karma, what goes around comes back around, you can count on it
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will come, I will move on, you have to live with yourselves
Only one wish I have for you all, a public airing of your private indiscretions
Understand your need to persecute another for self eminence, your soul will thank you
Unbecoming, this behavior of supposed professionals, worse yet, church goers
Casting of stones by those who apparently have no past indiscretions, how original
Karma, what goes around comes back around, you can count on it
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will come, I will move on, you have to live with yourselves
Only one wish I have for you all, a public airing of your private indiscretions
Understand your need to persecute another for self eminence, your soul will thank you
Friday, April 04, 2008
Bathroom Wisdom Revisited
Peace is rooted in understanding
Understanding is rooted in communication
Communication is rooted in loving trust
~Author Unknown
Understanding is rooted in communication
Communication is rooted in loving trust
~Author Unknown
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
God's Greatest Gift
First of all
I have no regrets
As I sit here
in my skin
I feel no regrets
That in itself
is progress
I do feel remorse
for any pain
that I have caused
I feel sad for the suffering
But I do not feel regret
It's been about six weeks now
since we stepped onto the playground
Whew...child's play
this has NOT been
Very few fun moments
precious few
A lot of hard work
determination and steadfastness
Damnation, persecution
desperation and anger
Litter the streets of
this very short journey
It's not tidy,
and the wrapping
is certainly not pretty
But every step a gift
that I have been blessed
with the strength to accept
I have felt pain, intense pain
anger, guilt, embarrassment,
betrayal, disillusionment,
astonishment, and ultimately
atonement
I have sat with each of these
familiarized myself with them
Felt the realness, the rawness
the searing burn
I have writhed, bargained
sobbed and questioned
But I have felt
and on my own two feet
I have remained upright
Managing to keep
putting one foot
in front of the other
In the face of
some of the greatest
adversity I have yet to face
in my overindulged life
I feel my warmth
I feel my soul
I feel the goodness that burns inside of me
The goodness that until now only other people could see
the warmth that creates compassion and empathy
genuine concern and sincerity, that's me
I feel me
I feel myself
I love me
I love myself
Thank you God
for allowing
me to see your
greatest gift
Me
I have no regrets
As I sit here
in my skin
I feel no regrets
That in itself
is progress
I do feel remorse
for any pain
that I have caused
I feel sad for the suffering
But I do not feel regret
It's been about six weeks now
since we stepped onto the playground
Whew...child's play
this has NOT been
Very few fun moments
precious few
A lot of hard work
determination and steadfastness
Damnation, persecution
desperation and anger
Litter the streets of
this very short journey
It's not tidy,
and the wrapping
is certainly not pretty
But every step a gift
that I have been blessed
with the strength to accept
I have felt pain, intense pain
anger, guilt, embarrassment,
betrayal, disillusionment,
astonishment, and ultimately
atonement
I have sat with each of these
familiarized myself with them
Felt the realness, the rawness
the searing burn
I have writhed, bargained
sobbed and questioned
But I have felt
and on my own two feet
I have remained upright
Managing to keep
putting one foot
in front of the other
In the face of
some of the greatest
adversity I have yet to face
in my overindulged life
I feel my warmth
I feel my soul
I feel the goodness that burns inside of me
The goodness that until now only other people could see
the warmth that creates compassion and empathy
genuine concern and sincerity, that's me
I feel me
I feel myself
I love me
I love myself
Thank you God
for allowing
me to see your
greatest gift
Me
Friday, March 21, 2008
Here I Am
Running, all day running
trying to out run my feelings
Searching, all day searching
for something else to occupy my mind
Resting, all day resting
from the exhaustion of so much emotion in such a short time
Writing, all day writing
hoping that you might read me
Longing, all day longing
for something to make this feel right
trying to out run my feelings
Searching, all day searching
for something else to occupy my mind
Resting, all day resting
from the exhaustion of so much emotion in such a short time
Writing, all day writing
hoping that you might read me
Longing, all day longing
for something to make this feel right
My Little Fire
For quite some time now
I've had this fire
The most subtle little fire
with a steady ember
Warming my soul
Through all the chaos
and all the pain
This little fire
never lost it's strength
Although not always familiar
it was ever constant
Day or Night
Alone or with another
I felt a warmth
in a place I never knew existed
A place that I had only begun
to explore
Now
For a time the light
from this fire must be dimmed
Shadowing once again
this newly awakened place in my soul
Casting a chill
over it's very existence
Although I understand
and know what must be done
It doesn't ease
the sudden surge of cold
or
The intense fear
that I may never know that warmth again
Never allowing me to return
to that place in my soul
That I wanted so badly
to explore
I am trying to have faith
to be patient
For I have to know
that this fire, this warmth
Burns for me, purely, honestly
so not to cast a daily shadow on another
I've had this fire
The most subtle little fire
with a steady ember
Warming my soul
Through all the chaos
and all the pain
This little fire
never lost it's strength
Although not always familiar
it was ever constant
Day or Night
Alone or with another
I felt a warmth
in a place I never knew existed
A place that I had only begun
to explore
Now
For a time the light
from this fire must be dimmed
Shadowing once again
this newly awakened place in my soul
Casting a chill
over it's very existence
Although I understand
and know what must be done
It doesn't ease
the sudden surge of cold
or
The intense fear
that I may never know that warmth again
Never allowing me to return
to that place in my soul
That I wanted so badly
to explore
I am trying to have faith
to be patient
For I have to know
that this fire, this warmth
Burns for me, purely, honestly
so not to cast a daily shadow on another
I Feel....
breathless, like someone punched me hard in the chest
contempt, for the victory of controlling people
pain, as I have never felt before
fatigue, as I have been treading trodden trails for a long, long time
sadness, just so much sadness
anger, at manipulation and control
fear, of never being seen again
thankful, for the time we shared
It just hurts really bad.
contempt, for the victory of controlling people
pain, as I have never felt before
fatigue, as I have been treading trodden trails for a long, long time
sadness, just so much sadness
anger, at manipulation and control
fear, of never being seen again
thankful, for the time we shared
It just hurts really bad.
Independence by Definition
The fact or state of being independent.
self-government,
self-rule,
home rule,
separation,
self-determination,
sovereignty,
autonomy,
freedom,
liberty,
comfort,
ease.
self-government,
self-rule,
home rule,
separation,
self-determination,
sovereignty,
autonomy,
freedom,
liberty,
comfort,
ease.
Control by Definition
The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.
be in charge of
run,
manage,
direct,
administer,
head,
preside over,
supervise,
superintend,
steer,
command,
rule,
govern,
lead,
dominate,
hold sway over,
be at the helm; informal head up,
be in the driver's seat,
run the show,
restrain,
keep in check,
curb,
check,
contain,
hold back,
bridle,
rein in,
suppress,
repress,
master.
be in charge of
run,
manage,
direct,
administer,
head,
preside over,
supervise,
superintend,
steer,
command,
rule,
govern,
lead,
dominate,
hold sway over,
be at the helm; informal head up,
be in the driver's seat,
run the show,
restrain,
keep in check,
curb,
check,
contain,
hold back,
bridle,
rein in,
suppress,
repress,
master.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Perceptions of a Perceptive Soul
"Your personal intensity that houses both a shy
insecurity with a powerful knowledge of yourself
that you struggle to accept and reject at the
same time"
~Thank you
insecurity with a powerful knowledge of yourself
that you struggle to accept and reject at the
same time"
~Thank you
This Invisible Scarlet Letter
Especially tricky
for I don't know who can see it
When I approach a seemingly kind face
all I can do is wonder
Difficult to focus on a conversation
seeking out the loyal
Their numbers decreasing
with each passing day
It's like searching
for a place to hide
In a stark white
empty room
Every place
a backdrop
For this
blood red letter
Assigned to me
by those so fortunate
to be free of fault
for I don't know who can see it
When I approach a seemingly kind face
all I can do is wonder
Difficult to focus on a conversation
seeking out the loyal
Their numbers decreasing
with each passing day
It's like searching
for a place to hide
In a stark white
empty room
Every place
a backdrop
For this
blood red letter
Assigned to me
by those so fortunate
to be free of fault
Monday, March 17, 2008
Living in Parallels
Witnessing the struggle
to end a sacred bond
A holding place of commitment
that no longer embraces comfort
Pondering the consequences
of withering a soul
I was there
though in my youth
and
Today
Although the view
from a new vantage point
No less painful
from a different angle
Then intersecting
Now Parallel
She waited
more patiently at first
The loving soul
who came for me
Quietly sitting
until I could, would
come to her
Share myself
with her
Give to her
my most elusive gift
Time
precious and unreserved
Just Time
A witness
to the pain in her eyes
When the hand that constantly swept
over our time together
Came to rest
on the limitations of the day
She learned to read
my body language
Anticipating when it
was time for me to go
Her body would tense
in preparation for the blow
For today
I am the waiting
The one craving
time
The one who tenses
when the conversation
approaches an end
Begging that sweeping hand to stop
if only for a day
So much more painful
my own pain
Coupled with the pain
of knowing all to well
how she must have felt
Still intersecting
Now parallel
to end a sacred bond
A holding place of commitment
that no longer embraces comfort
Pondering the consequences
of withering a soul
I was there
though in my youth
and
Today
Although the view
from a new vantage point
No less painful
from a different angle
Then intersecting
Now Parallel
She waited
more patiently at first
The loving soul
who came for me
Quietly sitting
until I could, would
come to her
Share myself
with her
Give to her
my most elusive gift
Time
precious and unreserved
Just Time
A witness
to the pain in her eyes
When the hand that constantly swept
over our time together
Came to rest
on the limitations of the day
She learned to read
my body language
Anticipating when it
was time for me to go
Her body would tense
in preparation for the blow
For today
I am the waiting
The one craving
time
The one who tenses
when the conversation
approaches an end
Begging that sweeping hand to stop
if only for a day
So much more painful
my own pain
Coupled with the pain
of knowing all to well
how she must have felt
Still intersecting
Now parallel
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Celebrating Us
We did have so many
wonderful times together
Never in my life
have I experienced
so much with one person
I want to thank you
for helping me grow
For showing me a light
that I never knew existed
For helping me find a path
to believe in myself
I know that you are hurting now
and for that my heart aches
Please know that I am truly
grateful for everything
that you have given me
And that it was never
my intention to hurt you
I'm sure that you can't
see past any of this right now
But I truly feel that you and I
will have a life long bond
I want to be here for you
when you are ready to let me
My dream is to laugh with you again someday
to celebrate us
wonderful times together
Never in my life
have I experienced
so much with one person
I want to thank you
for helping me grow
For showing me a light
that I never knew existed
For helping me find a path
to believe in myself
I know that you are hurting now
and for that my heart aches
Please know that I am truly
grateful for everything
that you have given me
And that it was never
my intention to hurt you
I'm sure that you can't
see past any of this right now
But I truly feel that you and I
will have a life long bond
I want to be here for you
when you are ready to let me
My dream is to laugh with you again someday
to celebrate us
Comforting Words From My Father
Sobbing "Trust me dad, this isn't anything that you want to be involved in."
"Anything that affects you is something that I want to be involved in."
Thank you dad,
tonight I very
much needed
those words.
Tonight I very much needed support
and you were there for me,
thank you.
"Anything that affects you is something that I want to be involved in."
Thank you dad,
tonight I very
much needed
those words.
Tonight I very much needed support
and you were there for me,
thank you.
Cyclone of Diligence
You keep saying
we were never a couple
I always saw us as a couple
everyone else did too
Where we reside doesn't
make or not make us a couple
It simply puts me
where you want me
Couples disagree, we disagreed
Couples laugh, we laughed
But somewhere along the way
the laughing stopped
Our love ceased to be carefree
ceased to be simple and easy
There is no blame to lay
it simply changed
Perhaps each of us with different needs
Mine to be stress free and unencumbered
Yours to be solid and fixed
I understand your need for stability
your need for a commitment
I made a commitment
and a lot of promises
All of which I meant
and intended to keep
I tried hard to endear myself to your family
to be all the things that my predecessor was not
They extended themselves to me
and I, myself to them
But somehow it just never seemed enough
I felt the weight of expectation
At times the frustration of fading obscurely into the background
as you dutifully almost obsessively tended to their needs
Tending to everyones needs
at the expense of your own
Generous to a fault
if you can ever fault a person for being generous
However, it can't be healthy to always put
another's needs above your own
Your mother's, your lover's,
your co-worker's, your friend's,
your sibling's, your father's,
your stepmother's and on and on
You cease to exist if you fulfill
everyone else's needs before your own
It takes all of your energy
to be absolutely diligent
in every aspect of your life
Perhaps I feared being
drawn into that cyclone of diligence
Where everything and everyone
is tended to impeccably
I'm still trying to learn
how to tend to myself
we were never a couple
I always saw us as a couple
everyone else did too
Where we reside doesn't
make or not make us a couple
It simply puts me
where you want me
Couples disagree, we disagreed
Couples laugh, we laughed
But somewhere along the way
the laughing stopped
Our love ceased to be carefree
ceased to be simple and easy
There is no blame to lay
it simply changed
Perhaps each of us with different needs
Mine to be stress free and unencumbered
Yours to be solid and fixed
I understand your need for stability
your need for a commitment
I made a commitment
and a lot of promises
All of which I meant
and intended to keep
I tried hard to endear myself to your family
to be all the things that my predecessor was not
They extended themselves to me
and I, myself to them
But somehow it just never seemed enough
I felt the weight of expectation
At times the frustration of fading obscurely into the background
as you dutifully almost obsessively tended to their needs
Tending to everyones needs
at the expense of your own
Generous to a fault
if you can ever fault a person for being generous
However, it can't be healthy to always put
another's needs above your own
Your mother's, your lover's,
your co-worker's, your friend's,
your sibling's, your father's,
your stepmother's and on and on
You cease to exist if you fulfill
everyone else's needs before your own
It takes all of your energy
to be absolutely diligent
in every aspect of your life
Perhaps I feared being
drawn into that cyclone of diligence
Where everything and everyone
is tended to impeccably
I'm still trying to learn
how to tend to myself
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
It's Only Shock
It's not numbness
Thank you God, it's not numbness
So many
Very bizarre
Things
Have occurred
Over the past week
Out of the blue
Without warning
I'm in shock
It's only shock
Being called a white trash whore
in the parking lot of Starbucks.....Shocking
Being called on the carpet at my job
about my role in a lesbian scandal.....Shocking
Being called to appear
on the Jerry Springer Show.....Eminent
But at least I'm not numb
Thank you God, it's not numbness
So many
Very bizarre
Things
Have occurred
Over the past week
Out of the blue
Without warning
I'm in shock
It's only shock
Being called a white trash whore
in the parking lot of Starbucks.....Shocking
Being called on the carpet at my job
about my role in a lesbian scandal.....Shocking
Being called to appear
on the Jerry Springer Show.....Eminent
But at least I'm not numb
Monday, March 10, 2008
Numb
If I had to sum this day up in a sentence
it would be "stop this ride, I want to get off"
I think I may have felt like this one other time in my life
when I went on the tea cup ride with my best friend
and we spun and spun and spun until we finally
puked up popcorn and blue cotton candy
It took a few hours for the world to stop spinning
before we felt like eating carnival food again
Somehow I think this round of spinning
might take a little bit longer to shake off
On the bright side, I won't be puking popcorn and blue cotton candy
But on the other hand, I'm an adult now and should have a lot better sense
The stakes are higher the consequences much more severe
What started out so innocently has grown to such epidemic proportions
I can't see over it, around it or under it
Worse, I can't understand it
I don't have any real answer to give anyone accept "I don't know"
I feel like my whole life I have been longing, very simply, to be loved
I have now hurt the one person in my life, by whom I have truly felt loved
quite possibly beyond repair
I have longed to be happy at my job for the past eight years
and for the past three months I have found that happiness
I have now put that job in jeopardy, something I have never, ever done before
I have never been a risk taker, I have always avoided conflict, always chosen the
path of least resistance
In the past three weeks I have assessed more risk, encountered more conflict and
traveled on a path that even the craziest of thrill seekers couldn't stomach
WOW.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Am I spending too much time behind four walls
or
Maybe I need to spend some time behind padded walls
I feel scared
I feel sad
I feel guilt, a lot of guilt
I feel insecure
in the spotlight
under the gun
embarrassed
humiliated
out of control
exhausted
but the feeling that scares me the most
NUMB
it would be "stop this ride, I want to get off"
I think I may have felt like this one other time in my life
when I went on the tea cup ride with my best friend
and we spun and spun and spun until we finally
puked up popcorn and blue cotton candy
It took a few hours for the world to stop spinning
before we felt like eating carnival food again
Somehow I think this round of spinning
might take a little bit longer to shake off
On the bright side, I won't be puking popcorn and blue cotton candy
But on the other hand, I'm an adult now and should have a lot better sense
The stakes are higher the consequences much more severe
What started out so innocently has grown to such epidemic proportions
I can't see over it, around it or under it
Worse, I can't understand it
I don't have any real answer to give anyone accept "I don't know"
I feel like my whole life I have been longing, very simply, to be loved
I have now hurt the one person in my life, by whom I have truly felt loved
quite possibly beyond repair
I have longed to be happy at my job for the past eight years
and for the past three months I have found that happiness
I have now put that job in jeopardy, something I have never, ever done before
I have never been a risk taker, I have always avoided conflict, always chosen the
path of least resistance
In the past three weeks I have assessed more risk, encountered more conflict and
traveled on a path that even the craziest of thrill seekers couldn't stomach
WOW.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Am I spending too much time behind four walls
or
Maybe I need to spend some time behind padded walls
I feel scared
I feel sad
I feel guilt, a lot of guilt
I feel insecure
in the spotlight
under the gun
embarrassed
humiliated
out of control
exhausted
but the feeling that scares me the most
NUMB
Railroad Wings
And as far as I can tell,
most everything
means nothing
Except some things
that mean everything
~Patty Griffin
most everything
means nothing
Except some things
that mean everything
~Patty Griffin
Painful Truth
standing in truth
once a dream
now a reality
knee deep
forced truth
but none the less
truth
casualties many
honor a memory
respect eludes me
self respect
as I walk through
this mine field of broken souls
I am flooded
with emotion, with disbelief
how can one peace seeking soul
inflict this much pain
on so many
one who quests for safety
who craves companionship
be this vulnerable
be this alone
no comforting smiles
no happy ever after
just me
for whom I've lost respect
standing knee deep
in truth
painful truth
alone....
once a dream
now a reality
knee deep
forced truth
but none the less
truth
casualties many
honor a memory
respect eludes me
self respect
as I walk through
this mine field of broken souls
I am flooded
with emotion, with disbelief
how can one peace seeking soul
inflict this much pain
on so many
one who quests for safety
who craves companionship
be this vulnerable
be this alone
no comforting smiles
no happy ever after
just me
for whom I've lost respect
standing knee deep
in truth
painful truth
alone....
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Help!
I prayed this morning
asked for guidance
Guidance in these
issues I ponder
In the past
I have found
That I often inadvertently
ignore guidance
Maybe not knowing
if it's just an obstacle
or
The true guidance
of my God
I suppose that doesn't say
much about my faith
About my character
I wonder sometimes
if my attempt
to not hurt anyone
is actually hurting everyone
Here I sit, it a position
to hurt so many people
and I can't see the guidance
I can't hear the word of God
I need help here
Can somebody please help?
asked for guidance
Guidance in these
issues I ponder
In the past
I have found
That I often inadvertently
ignore guidance
Maybe not knowing
if it's just an obstacle
or
The true guidance
of my God
I suppose that doesn't say
much about my faith
About my character
I wonder sometimes
if my attempt
to not hurt anyone
is actually hurting everyone
Here I sit, it a position
to hurt so many people
and I can't see the guidance
I can't hear the word of God
I need help here
Can somebody please help?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Beautiful Flower
It was strikingly exotic, yet vaguely familiar
It had a tall, thick stalk like a sunflower
The vibrant color and splendor of a tulip
The soft alluring fragrance of a rose
Yet it's bloom looked like the bird of paradise
It was standing smartly, almost confident
in it's presentation
The image of a peaceful and spledid bird
perched atop a tall tree
It's radiance drawing in the passerby
like pollen draws a bee
I approached it cautiously
as not to disturb the earth around it
The most splendid and compelling
flower I had ever seen
I was certain that it must belong
to someone
For something so beautifully flourishing
must require great care and nurturing
I found myself going out of my way
to stand in it's presence
Even if only for a moment
In awe of Mother Nature
and her artistic wizardry
I began to imagine taking a spade
to this captivating masterpiece
Gently unearthing it
Carefully relocating it
So that I may enjoy and revel
in it's beauty
Nurture it, and
care for it as my own
But that would be self serving
Only to rob another of it's
elegance and beauty
It had a tall, thick stalk like a sunflower
The vibrant color and splendor of a tulip
The soft alluring fragrance of a rose
Yet it's bloom looked like the bird of paradise
It was standing smartly, almost confident
in it's presentation
The image of a peaceful and spledid bird
perched atop a tall tree
It's radiance drawing in the passerby
like pollen draws a bee
I approached it cautiously
as not to disturb the earth around it
The most splendid and compelling
flower I had ever seen
I was certain that it must belong
to someone
For something so beautifully flourishing
must require great care and nurturing
I found myself going out of my way
to stand in it's presence
Even if only for a moment
In awe of Mother Nature
and her artistic wizardry
I began to imagine taking a spade
to this captivating masterpiece
Gently unearthing it
Carefully relocating it
So that I may enjoy and revel
in it's beauty
Nurture it, and
care for it as my own
But that would be self serving
Only to rob another of it's
elegance and beauty
The Worry Bag
I wear this bag around my neck
that no one else can see
Unadorned and simple
constructed purposefully
Most times heavy, sometimes light
This bag of mine holds fear
For when my soul gets cluttered
and angst filled thoughts appear
I take these stones of worry
and toss them in my bag
Praying they will disappear
these endless pesky nags
These stones of worry smoulder
growing heavier by the day
Until they finally drag me down
and all my strength gives way
My heart grows weary, my soul askew
my eyes well up with rain
Every fiber pulsing with
unrelenting pain
It's then I know to take my bag
and dump it on a table
To sift and sort and rid myself
of those which I am able
that no one else can see
Unadorned and simple
constructed purposefully
Most times heavy, sometimes light
This bag of mine holds fear
For when my soul gets cluttered
and angst filled thoughts appear
I take these stones of worry
and toss them in my bag
Praying they will disappear
these endless pesky nags
These stones of worry smoulder
growing heavier by the day
Until they finally drag me down
and all my strength gives way
My heart grows weary, my soul askew
my eyes well up with rain
Every fiber pulsing with
unrelenting pain
It's then I know to take my bag
and dump it on a table
To sift and sort and rid myself
of those which I am able
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tiny Irony
Steel blue eyes
Locks of golden blond
Lips pink and full
Cheeks rosy and round
The cutest little red dress
with sandals to match
A small white barrette
clasped a lock of her golden hair
Shy at first
Yet quick to warm
Let me hold her
play with her
show her the water
Giggled with tickles
then sleepily laid her head
on my shoulder
One delicate hand
clenching my shirt
The other, her tattered
pink bunny
The cutest little girl
her name, Emma
Locks of golden blond
Lips pink and full
Cheeks rosy and round
The cutest little red dress
with sandals to match
A small white barrette
clasped a lock of her golden hair
Shy at first
Yet quick to warm
Let me hold her
play with her
show her the water
Giggled with tickles
then sleepily laid her head
on my shoulder
One delicate hand
clenching my shirt
The other, her tattered
pink bunny
The cutest little girl
her name, Emma
Kaleidoscope
I want to understand
it's beauty and brilliance
It captivates me
the boundless color
and luminosity
Ever changing
yet always splendid
perfection
My gaze intent
trying to find
a scheme
a blueprint
a pattern
a plan
Longing to posses
the power to recreate
The exquisite image
that evades me
with every revolution
In the blink of an eye
each vision a memory
To render me pining
for "the way it used to be"
All the while missing the vitality
of "the way it is"
How much splendor
does this writer
actually miss
In an effort to
find
a scheme
a blueprint
a pattern
a plan
Sit now and
enjoy the brilliance
of the Kaleidoscope
Be thankful for each
revolution
No longer pining for
that which has passed
For beauty need not
be possessed or understood
to be appreciated
it's beauty and brilliance
It captivates me
the boundless color
and luminosity
Ever changing
yet always splendid
perfection
My gaze intent
trying to find
a scheme
a blueprint
a pattern
a plan
Longing to posses
the power to recreate
The exquisite image
that evades me
with every revolution
In the blink of an eye
each vision a memory
To render me pining
for "the way it used to be"
All the while missing the vitality
of "the way it is"
How much splendor
does this writer
actually miss
In an effort to
find
a scheme
a blueprint
a pattern
a plan
Sit now and
enjoy the brilliance
of the Kaleidoscope
Be thankful for each
revolution
No longer pining for
that which has passed
For beauty need not
be possessed or understood
to be appreciated
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Dances with Me
Try
Please Try
To be more independent
Be
Just Be
Comfortable in your own skin
Trust
With All Your Heart Trust
That your best is good enough
Know
Always Know
That at the end of every day
the one most importantly satisfied
is yourself
Enjoy
Learn to Enjoy
Your own company
Fly
Fly Free
And never question
whether or not you can
Please Try
To be more independent
Be
Just Be
Comfortable in your own skin
Trust
With All Your Heart Trust
That your best is good enough
Know
Always Know
That at the end of every day
the one most importantly satisfied
is yourself
Enjoy
Learn to Enjoy
Your own company
Fly
Fly Free
And never question
whether or not you can
Comfort
Comfort is so warm
and inviting
yet so dangerous
Like an addiction
It feels so good
but can be so
destructive at
the same time
It sneaks up
without warning
The fact that we
seek it, desire it
crave it even
Avoiding conflict,
stifled thoughts and
detours
All in an attempt
to remain comfortable
Discomfort awakens
our senses
We become very AWARE that
we are not comfortable
It's not pleasant
so we immediately take
steps to try to comfort
ourselves
Human instinct, like
a baby sucking her thumb
But to seek comfort too quickly
robs one of a most valuable
part of their journey
The part that teaches humility,
appreciation, endurance
and strength
A familiar comfortable place
is good but should not
be sought for hiding
A place to seek refuge from
the journey to be traveled
For to become too comfortable
is to become complacent
Blessings, loved ones,
and even ourselves
can be taken for granted
We must sit in our discomfort
sometimes and become familiar
with our senses
To reap the many lessons
that come from doing so
To truly get to know
ourselves
and inviting
yet so dangerous
Like an addiction
It feels so good
but can be so
destructive at
the same time
It sneaks up
without warning
The fact that we
seek it, desire it
crave it even
Avoiding conflict,
stifled thoughts and
detours
All in an attempt
to remain comfortable
Discomfort awakens
our senses
We become very AWARE that
we are not comfortable
It's not pleasant
so we immediately take
steps to try to comfort
ourselves
Human instinct, like
a baby sucking her thumb
But to seek comfort too quickly
robs one of a most valuable
part of their journey
The part that teaches humility,
appreciation, endurance
and strength
A familiar comfortable place
is good but should not
be sought for hiding
A place to seek refuge from
the journey to be traveled
For to become too comfortable
is to become complacent
Blessings, loved ones,
and even ourselves
can be taken for granted
We must sit in our discomfort
sometimes and become familiar
with our senses
To reap the many lessons
that come from doing so
To truly get to know
ourselves
Sunday, February 17, 2008
There...
I see it
even though
you may not
want me to
your vulnerability
I respect it
envy it, am
inspired by it
your truth
It peaks my
curiosity,
not so unlike
my own
your darkness
I value it,
cherish it,
am thankful for it
your friendship
even though
you may not
want me to
your vulnerability
I respect it
envy it, am
inspired by it
your truth
It peaks my
curiosity,
not so unlike
my own
your darkness
I value it,
cherish it,
am thankful for it
your friendship
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentines Day
A lot of love
A little bit of quite
The house is still crying
But tonight my heart is peaceful
A little bit of quite
The house is still crying
But tonight my heart is peaceful
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Will Somebody Please Take Me Home
I woke up this morning
wondering how in the
hell did I ever get here
What a cluster fuck
mother-in-laws and manic
insignificant others
Blaring television
screaming of normal
conversation
Bitching
non-stop bitching
moaning
complaining
A stranger in
my own home
A home that doesn't
feel like mine at all
Never has, never will
I feel like I am
freaking losing
my mind
Maybe I'll shave my head
and bash in someones car
window with an umbrella
Might as well I feel
like I'm headed
for the psyche ward
anyway
I suppose it might
be quiet there
Security and peace
that's all I wanted
at 19 years old
What an ass
I've been holding
on to THIS for
dear life
20 years of my
dear life
Scared to death
to let it go
because it's
what I know
Leaking leaking
forever leaking
I think this house
is crying
Crying on the inside
just like me
I wanna go home
I don't know where that is
but I wanna go home now
Will Somebody Please Take Me Home
wondering how in the
hell did I ever get here
What a cluster fuck
mother-in-laws and manic
insignificant others
Blaring television
screaming of normal
conversation
Bitching
non-stop bitching
moaning
complaining
A stranger in
my own home
A home that doesn't
feel like mine at all
Never has, never will
I feel like I am
freaking losing
my mind
Maybe I'll shave my head
and bash in someones car
window with an umbrella
Might as well I feel
like I'm headed
for the psyche ward
anyway
I suppose it might
be quiet there
Security and peace
that's all I wanted
at 19 years old
What an ass
I've been holding
on to THIS for
dear life
20 years of my
dear life
Scared to death
to let it go
because it's
what I know
Leaking leaking
forever leaking
I think this house
is crying
Crying on the inside
just like me
I wanna go home
I don't know where that is
but I wanna go home now
Will Somebody Please Take Me Home
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Darting Through Life
My strategy
sling em'
and hope
they stick
on the board
To some
however
a highly
competitive
and precise
game of skill
I liken a
good game
of darts
to life
Sometimes
you can
just sling
shit out there
with no regard
for where it
lands (like on
the swing)
Refreshing yes
always appropriate
well......no
Then there
are the times
in life when
words and
actions must
be well thought
out and perfectly
executed
A lot of times
very much untrue
to our own
characteristics
Be that as it may
sometimes we have
to play "the game"
and be good at it
Making sure that
our darts land
where they were
intended
Other times we
can approach
"the game" with
reckless abandon
Being careful
of course
that stray
darts don't
injure anyone
As with life
Some people
are really
very good
at it
Others just
have fun
and cause
a ruckus to
distract
from the fact
that they really
have no clue
what they're doing
sling em'
and hope
they stick
on the board
To some
however
a highly
competitive
and precise
game of skill
I liken a
good game
of darts
to life
Sometimes
you can
just sling
shit out there
with no regard
for where it
lands (like on
the swing)
Refreshing yes
always appropriate
well......no
Then there
are the times
in life when
words and
actions must
be well thought
out and perfectly
executed
A lot of times
very much untrue
to our own
characteristics
Be that as it may
sometimes we have
to play "the game"
and be good at it
Making sure that
our darts land
where they were
intended
Other times we
can approach
"the game" with
reckless abandon
Being careful
of course
that stray
darts don't
injure anyone
As with life
Some people
are really
very good
at it
Others just
have fun
and cause
a ruckus to
distract
from the fact
that they really
have no clue
what they're doing
Saturday, February 09, 2008
The Power of Words
Truthful jabs
words as weapons
More painful
than a knife
Small shards of
stifled feelings
Escape the
pressure filled
confines of the
heart
Creating a subtle
yet powerful
impact
Disguised as
playful
Often accompanied
by laugher
To further pad
the sharp edges
An attempt at
communication
A subtle
retaliation
Tolerance
on the wane
Hard to say
But this
I know
I am ever
enamored
by the
Simplicity
yet
Unbridled
power
Concealed
in
WORDS
words as weapons
More painful
than a knife
Small shards of
stifled feelings
Escape the
pressure filled
confines of the
heart
Creating a subtle
yet powerful
impact
Disguised as
playful
Often accompanied
by laugher
To further pad
the sharp edges
An attempt at
communication
A subtle
retaliation
Tolerance
on the wane
Hard to say
But this
I know
I am ever
enamored
by the
Simplicity
yet
Unbridled
power
Concealed
in
WORDS
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Please God, Let Them See the Train
Children, offspring
a powerful lot
they are
Capable of eliciting
the most intense
of emotions
From the moment
of their arrival
a veritable
cornucopia of
emotions ensue
From the most joyous joy
to the angriest of angry
and every emotion in between
There are precious few
experiences in this life
That will educe the most
proud sense of accomplishment
And
The most painful, searing
sting of inadequacy
Quite possibly
all in a single day
Ever growing individuals
yet extensions of ourselves
They display
some of our
very best qualities
Compassion, Empathy, Thoughtfulness
But they are also constant
reminders of some
of our worst
Disorganization, Discontentment, Inattentiveness
Having already traveled
so many of life's roads
We bear the scars
and harbor memories
of the pain that
these characteristics
have caused us in the past
Being unable to reason
with a child
on his own
journey
down these
well traveled
roads
Is such a painful plight
Frustrating at best
because the knowledge
we have to share
is invaluable
Yet we couldn't seem
more dense to our children
"You just don't get it"
reverberates in my head
Imagine yourself looking down
from a two story window
that has been painted shut
Seeing a person that you would
give your life for standing
on a set of railroad tracks
Behind him, a silent speeding
train approaching
He won't hear you
the window won't open
All you can do is watch
and hope that he eventually
figures out that a train
is coming
Please God, let them
eventually see the train
a powerful lot
they are
Capable of eliciting
the most intense
of emotions
From the moment
of their arrival
a veritable
cornucopia of
emotions ensue
From the most joyous joy
to the angriest of angry
and every emotion in between
There are precious few
experiences in this life
That will educe the most
proud sense of accomplishment
And
The most painful, searing
sting of inadequacy
Quite possibly
all in a single day
Ever growing individuals
yet extensions of ourselves
They display
some of our
very best qualities
Compassion, Empathy, Thoughtfulness
But they are also constant
reminders of some
of our worst
Disorganization, Discontentment, Inattentiveness
Having already traveled
so many of life's roads
We bear the scars
and harbor memories
of the pain that
these characteristics
have caused us in the past
Being unable to reason
with a child
on his own
journey
down these
well traveled
roads
Is such a painful plight
Frustrating at best
because the knowledge
we have to share
is invaluable
Yet we couldn't seem
more dense to our children
"You just don't get it"
reverberates in my head
Imagine yourself looking down
from a two story window
that has been painted shut
Seeing a person that you would
give your life for standing
on a set of railroad tracks
Behind him, a silent speeding
train approaching
He won't hear you
the window won't open
All you can do is watch
and hope that he eventually
figures out that a train
is coming
Please God, let them
eventually see the train
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Journey
Some of us spend our whole lives
worrying about what others
will think
Weighing every word
before it passes
our lips
We work so hard
to make the bright things
shine brighter
And the big things
seem even bigger
We struggle to keep
skeletons well out of view
Neatly tucked away
behind our cashmere
sweaters and unused
bowling balls
Pride our most
sacred possession
we guard it like the
Hope Diamond
We walk through
life oblivious
to the constant
ticking
The ticking
of the clock
Even the most
efficient of time
managers are
unaware
That with every day
we live
The less time
we have left to live
Each tick brings us closer
to a time and a place
where we may lose
some of our dignity
A time when we may
have to let go of some
of our pride
As scary as it seems
It is also a place
of refreshing simplicity
A smile, a hug or
a cookie become
some of life's most
treasured things
It is no longer considered
taboo to speak your mind
In fact, sometimes it even
makes people smile
Small milestones become
monumental achievements
A nap is one of life's greatest
pleasures
Loss of independence
life's greatest fear
Live not with worry
obsessed with the ticking
Live with compassion and
empathy for those
who are at the end
of their journey
For
someday
you
too
will
be
at
the
end
of
yours
worrying about what others
will think
Weighing every word
before it passes
our lips
We work so hard
to make the bright things
shine brighter
And the big things
seem even bigger
We struggle to keep
skeletons well out of view
Neatly tucked away
behind our cashmere
sweaters and unused
bowling balls
Pride our most
sacred possession
we guard it like the
Hope Diamond
We walk through
life oblivious
to the constant
ticking
The ticking
of the clock
Even the most
efficient of time
managers are
unaware
That with every day
we live
The less time
we have left to live
Each tick brings us closer
to a time and a place
where we may lose
some of our dignity
A time when we may
have to let go of some
of our pride
As scary as it seems
It is also a place
of refreshing simplicity
A smile, a hug or
a cookie become
some of life's most
treasured things
It is no longer considered
taboo to speak your mind
In fact, sometimes it even
makes people smile
Small milestones become
monumental achievements
A nap is one of life's greatest
pleasures
Loss of independence
life's greatest fear
Live not with worry
obsessed with the ticking
Live with compassion and
empathy for those
who are at the end
of their journey
For
someday
you
too
will
be
at
the
end
of
yours
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Elephant at Our Table
They know,
but across from them, he doesn't know.
Next to the one that doesn't know, sits his mother,
she doesn't know either.
Next to me, he knows, but chooses not to.
Across from me, he knows because he is too.
Next to him, sits his mother, who knows of
we, but not of he.
There's an elephant at our table,
it's big, it's ugly, it's real.
It's not an elephant in the truest sense,
it's a lie I try to conceal.
One day I want to dismiss this beast,
send it on it's way.
But for now I'll have to save it a seat,
on every holiday.
but across from them, he doesn't know.
Next to the one that doesn't know, sits his mother,
she doesn't know either.
Next to me, he knows, but chooses not to.
Across from me, he knows because he is too.
Next to him, sits his mother, who knows of
we, but not of he.
There's an elephant at our table,
it's big, it's ugly, it's real.
It's not an elephant in the truest sense,
it's a lie I try to conceal.
One day I want to dismiss this beast,
send it on it's way.
But for now I'll have to save it a seat,
on every holiday.
The Music in Me
I have loved music
for as far back as
I can remember
Music has always
provided an escape for me,
a place to hide
I could climb into a song
any song and briefly
make it my life
Darkness when I felt dark
passion when I needed love
an anthem when I had a cause
I never could really sing
although I loved it
and did it all the time, it felt so good
Looking back on my life,
I haven't lived a day
without music in some form
Today I still love music
and there's nothing better than a song
I can really climb into
But I don't hide anymore,
I just climb inside and enjoy the ride
like a surfer enjoys a good wave
for as far back as
I can remember
Music has always
provided an escape for me,
a place to hide
I could climb into a song
any song and briefly
make it my life
Darkness when I felt dark
passion when I needed love
an anthem when I had a cause
I never could really sing
although I loved it
and did it all the time, it felt so good
Looking back on my life,
I haven't lived a day
without music in some form
Today I still love music
and there's nothing better than a song
I can really climb into
But I don't hide anymore,
I just climb inside and enjoy the ride
like a surfer enjoys a good wave
The Best Christmas Ever
why oh why can't Christmas be
more than presents and a decorated tree
kindness, giving, thinking of others
spending time with children and lovers
instead it's chaos, traffic, errands and dread
there are no sugar plumbs dancing in my head
it's the most exhausting time of year
party after party spreading holiday cheer
an outfit for this, an outfit for that
Christmas cookies everywhere, fat fat fat
my ideal Christmas would be,
just my lover, by boys and me
in a little log cabin, with a fireside glow
on a mountain overlooking the city below
a hand picked tree about three foot tall
with hardly any decorations at all
the crackling of logs burning, the lights turned low
all warm and snuggly after playing in the snow
the smell of cedar from a wood burning stove
enjoying the thought of having nowhere to go
roasting marshmallows in the fire place
never ending smiles on each and every face
when the evenings through and we retire to bed
memories of this wonderful day are all that's in our heads
exhausted sleep in my lover's arms, there's truly nothing better
the perfect end to the perfect day, the best Christmas ever
more than presents and a decorated tree
kindness, giving, thinking of others
spending time with children and lovers
instead it's chaos, traffic, errands and dread
there are no sugar plumbs dancing in my head
it's the most exhausting time of year
party after party spreading holiday cheer
an outfit for this, an outfit for that
Christmas cookies everywhere, fat fat fat
my ideal Christmas would be,
just my lover, by boys and me
in a little log cabin, with a fireside glow
on a mountain overlooking the city below
a hand picked tree about three foot tall
with hardly any decorations at all
the crackling of logs burning, the lights turned low
all warm and snuggly after playing in the snow
the smell of cedar from a wood burning stove
enjoying the thought of having nowhere to go
roasting marshmallows in the fire place
never ending smiles on each and every face
when the evenings through and we retire to bed
memories of this wonderful day are all that's in our heads
exhausted sleep in my lover's arms, there's truly nothing better
the perfect end to the perfect day, the best Christmas ever
The Guards
It's out
It's real
Ripped from the darkest place
Where I store all my fears
And it’s playing on every channel
On my tv, on my radio
That dark place where I keep my fears
Is heavily guarded
Guarded by denial, innocence, and naivete
3 guards that let me believe, this can't happen here
People like you and me
Living in the streets
No food, water, medication, sanitation
A literal hell on earth
It’s too much to take in
I try to be there, to feel
What it must be like
To have no base, safe haven, no shelter
My first 38 years washed away with the tide
Everything I've built, earned, saved and been given
Gone…..Just the clothes on my back and the memories in my head
No greater test of faith and strength
The teary eyes of my starving child
My parent's last suffering breath
Nature's fury has taken everything I have
and now it's trying to take my soul
Would I make it? I’d like to think I would
Sitting here at my computer
With all the comforts of home
I’d like to think I would
Those guards, denial, innocence, naivete
Their good, good at what they do.
It's real
Ripped from the darkest place
Where I store all my fears
And it’s playing on every channel
On my tv, on my radio
That dark place where I keep my fears
Is heavily guarded
Guarded by denial, innocence, and naivete
3 guards that let me believe, this can't happen here
People like you and me
Living in the streets
No food, water, medication, sanitation
A literal hell on earth
It’s too much to take in
I try to be there, to feel
What it must be like
To have no base, safe haven, no shelter
My first 38 years washed away with the tide
Everything I've built, earned, saved and been given
Gone…..Just the clothes on my back and the memories in my head
No greater test of faith and strength
The teary eyes of my starving child
My parent's last suffering breath
Nature's fury has taken everything I have
and now it's trying to take my soul
Would I make it? I’d like to think I would
Sitting here at my computer
With all the comforts of home
I’d like to think I would
Those guards, denial, innocence, naivete
Their good, good at what they do.
When We Make Love
I love to watch you when we make love
the glow of your skin as you hover above
your eyes like a window, a view to your soul
I feel your heart beating, passion taking control
It's a journey we're on, it's just you and me
so loving and gentle, unbridled and free
we're partners, lovers, soulmates and friends
how could this be a love God didn't intend
The room becomes muted, colorless and still
the world becomes distant and genderless at will
a moment in time with no judgement or hate
just you and me and the love that we create
It seems like days we're away from the world
the pleasure, the wanting the passion unfurled
when ecstasy wanes, color and sound recur
we lay in residual weakness, all discernments a blur
the glow of your skin as you hover above
your eyes like a window, a view to your soul
I feel your heart beating, passion taking control
It's a journey we're on, it's just you and me
so loving and gentle, unbridled and free
we're partners, lovers, soulmates and friends
how could this be a love God didn't intend
The room becomes muted, colorless and still
the world becomes distant and genderless at will
a moment in time with no judgement or hate
just you and me and the love that we create
It seems like days we're away from the world
the pleasure, the wanting the passion unfurled
when ecstasy wanes, color and sound recur
we lay in residual weakness, all discernments a blur
She Completes Me
Me, sometimes dark
She, always looks to the light
Me, messy, jagged edges
She, perfect right angles
Me, spoiled, never made to want
She, grew up without, appreciates
Me, cautious, afraid of change
She, will try and never let you know she thought twice
Me, not sure what it means to be a true friend
She, amazes me with her kindness and generosity
Me, a better person for having known her
She, completes me
She, always looks to the light
Me, messy, jagged edges
She, perfect right angles
Me, spoiled, never made to want
She, grew up without, appreciates
Me, cautious, afraid of change
She, will try and never let you know she thought twice
Me, not sure what it means to be a true friend
She, amazes me with her kindness and generosity
Me, a better person for having known her
She, completes me
Real
It seems so hard to stay real
in a world that places
so much emphasis on the ideal.
just be yourself I'm told
what's on the inside is the beauty you behold
That beauty, they say, that's under the skin
the beauty that stays so locked deep within
it gets overlooked by a society unwilling to try
to look further than what is pleasing to the eye
The soul that's within needs no brushing or color
it just needs the love and compasion of another
to flourish and grow beyond all of it's bounds
gets lost under features, hair styles, and pounds
All of these pleasures the world likes to see
we wear on the outside like ornaments on a tree
slow down take a moment to stop and discover
the beauty that lies beneath the surface of another
in a world that places
so much emphasis on the ideal.
just be yourself I'm told
what's on the inside is the beauty you behold
That beauty, they say, that's under the skin
the beauty that stays so locked deep within
it gets overlooked by a society unwilling to try
to look further than what is pleasing to the eye
The soul that's within needs no brushing or color
it just needs the love and compasion of another
to flourish and grow beyond all of it's bounds
gets lost under features, hair styles, and pounds
All of these pleasures the world likes to see
we wear on the outside like ornaments on a tree
slow down take a moment to stop and discover
the beauty that lies beneath the surface of another
Heart Cracked and Spidered
Heart cracked and spidered
like the windshield of a car
Still there and beating
bearing multiple scars
It's owner lumbers on
through lifes daily grind
going through motions
pushing pain from the mind
Tear drops headed off
with each blink of an eye
like wiper blades on a window
clearing a view to the sky
A heart cracked and spidered
Although easy to hide
Becomes a burden on a soul
And starts to eat away pride
What is our existence
Why are we here
Through a heart cracked and spidered
the view is not clear
Although the heart is strong enough
To push through vital blood
A Heart cracked and spidered
Will not withstand a flood
like the windshield of a car
Still there and beating
bearing multiple scars
It's owner lumbers on
through lifes daily grind
going through motions
pushing pain from the mind
Tear drops headed off
with each blink of an eye
like wiper blades on a window
clearing a view to the sky
A heart cracked and spidered
Although easy to hide
Becomes a burden on a soul
And starts to eat away pride
What is our existence
Why are we here
Through a heart cracked and spidered
the view is not clear
Although the heart is strong enough
To push through vital blood
A Heart cracked and spidered
Will not withstand a flood
Happily Ever After
Just a shadow of my former self
looking back now seems surreal
so tortured and alone then
not capable to feel
Sitting at the kitchen table
laughing so hard it hurt
I got this funny feeling
it felt familiar but I couldn't be sure
Days went by I found myself
wondering, thinking, dreaming
some very unfamiliar things
that strangely seemed appealing
My thoughts at first were not of sex
the visions in my head
were of us simply snuggling
laying in her bed
That's all I needed and I hoped
that she would need that too
I thought of ways to ask her
so she wouldn't think I was a fool
Who in the world would ask someone
to which she was attracted
if she would go to bed with you
but leave her trousers fastened
Each night in bed all by myself
my mind would start to wander
and every night I'd let her go
just a little farther
Alright, ok, this could work
I guess we could undress
oh God, what am I thinking
I would be such a mess
It was nice to dream a bit
at home, tucked in my bed
but this was me, miss play it safe
this affair stays in my head
I tried to stop it, pushed you away
by telling you I had nothing to offer
but as those words passed through my lips
I could feel my heart growing softer
Strange sometimes how life unfolds
as we tear ourselves apart
can you believe my happily ever after
was determined by a dart
looking back now seems surreal
so tortured and alone then
not capable to feel
Sitting at the kitchen table
laughing so hard it hurt
I got this funny feeling
it felt familiar but I couldn't be sure
Days went by I found myself
wondering, thinking, dreaming
some very unfamiliar things
that strangely seemed appealing
My thoughts at first were not of sex
the visions in my head
were of us simply snuggling
laying in her bed
That's all I needed and I hoped
that she would need that too
I thought of ways to ask her
so she wouldn't think I was a fool
Who in the world would ask someone
to which she was attracted
if she would go to bed with you
but leave her trousers fastened
Each night in bed all by myself
my mind would start to wander
and every night I'd let her go
just a little farther
Alright, ok, this could work
I guess we could undress
oh God, what am I thinking
I would be such a mess
It was nice to dream a bit
at home, tucked in my bed
but this was me, miss play it safe
this affair stays in my head
I tried to stop it, pushed you away
by telling you I had nothing to offer
but as those words passed through my lips
I could feel my heart growing softer
Strange sometimes how life unfolds
as we tear ourselves apart
can you believe my happily ever after
was determined by a dart
Past, Present, and Future
eating pizza in bed
after we made love
making love again
when we were through
staring at each other
from across the classroom
you wiping away my tears
making me feel secure
things I love
about the way we were
giggling in bed
before we make love
making jokes over iced tea
at the dinner table
subtle touches
while we're shopping
stolen kisses
in the car
things I love
about the way we are
running a house
partners full time
talking about our day
in bed every night
good morning kisses
before brushing our teeth
falling asleep
intertwined you and me
things I love
about the way we'll be
after we made love
making love again
when we were through
staring at each other
from across the classroom
you wiping away my tears
making me feel secure
things I love
about the way we were
giggling in bed
before we make love
making jokes over iced tea
at the dinner table
subtle touches
while we're shopping
stolen kisses
in the car
things I love
about the way we are
running a house
partners full time
talking about our day
in bed every night
good morning kisses
before brushing our teeth
falling asleep
intertwined you and me
things I love
about the way we'll be
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Happy Birthday to Me
I am continually amazed and thankful for the wisdom that comes with age. I turned forty this year and I have to say that it wasn’t one of my favorite birthdays. Quite honestly, I was in a funk for a few days before and after “the big day.” There is absolutely nothing that sounds fun and cute about being forty years old, but I have ultimately realized, while forty may not be cute, there is a distinct wisdom that comes packaged with having lived almost half a century. When I look back over my life, some things just make so much more sense now. Events in my life that tormented and terrorized me when I was younger seem so insignificant to me now. Most of the things on which I placed insurmountable importance when I was in my twenties and thirties, I couldn’t care less about today.
One period of time in my life stands out among the rest as one of the most traumatic and life changing. I was in my late twenties and I had two small boys ages two and four. I took every aspect of being a mother very, very seriously and I put a lot of pressure on myself to make them and everything for them, perfect.
My parents were going through a divorce after a very rocky twenty six year marriage. It certainly wasn’t any big surprise and being that my sister and I were adults, I honestly thought that their divorce would be just a mere technicality, the signing of papers. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. The divorce started out bad and quickly took a turn for the worst. Each side set up their own camp and the unfortunate casualties, caught in the cross fire, were forced to choose sides. When I refused to choose, I became public enemy number one, a traitor. The fighting between camps was unbearable and I would get weekly phone calls from family members telling me what an unappreciative, insensitive, horrible person I was, with no regard for anyone but myself.
I was mortified at how hateful and vindictive these people who had raised me could be. The people who told me they would always love me, no matter what. The very people who convinced me that, “you can’t count on anyone in this life but your family,” had turned on me like a pack of vicious dogs fighting over a piece of bloody meat. I was absolutely devastated.
Having troubles in my own nine year marriage, on top of everything else, made me feel like I was living in a pressure cooker. I did pretty well for about a year and then the weight of the constant stress started to take it’s toll. I started having frequent, severe, anxiety attacks. These attacks caused a feeling of sheer terror and panic, equivalent to the feeling of being on a doomed airliner or being trapped, with little air, in a small space underground. Most unfortunate was that every time one of these attacks would occur, the overwhelming feeling of impending doom was so severe that there was no meditation, breathing technique, or rationalization that was going to convince me otherwise. All of my senses were heightened and my body’s fight or flight response was on full throttle. Heart racing, sweaty palms, trembling, darting eyes, shortness of breath, rising heat from head to toe and tingling hands would precede an escalating feeling that I had to get out of wherever I was or I would absolutely lose control.
The attacks started out relatively mild but quickly progressed to a debilitating level. At my worst point I didn’t want to leave the house at all, I was absolutely terrified of these attacks. I did leave the house, because I had to, but I cried all the time and was so anxious, even when I was at home. I started pacing, because I was too anxious to sit or lay down, I literally trembled inside and out, all day, every day. I couldn’t sleep, I stopped eating and began losing weight, a lot of weight. With my functional ability so obviously declining, I obsessively worried about my children. What were they going to do without me? Who would take care of them? What would they think when they were told that their mother lost her mind? I was unaware that it was thoughts like these that were fueling my anxiety
My primary care doctor was prescribing me one antidepressant after another and nothing seemed to be helping. In fact, some of them actually made things worse. One of my dear friends finally intervened and got me an appointment with a Psychiatrist. She drove me to the appointment, I can remember that ride like it was yesterday. Sobbing uncontrollably, I just knew that as soon we stepped foot in that office they were going to throw a straight jacket on me and transport me straight to the nearest psychiatric ward. More anxiety fuel.
When I walked in, there were no white coats and no straight jackets, just a gentle faced Asian man, sitting behind his desk wearing a navy blue dress suit. He looked at me with the most caring eyes, his demeanor convinced me that he didn’t think I was crazy at all, even though I was sobbing uncontrollably and could barely talk. He explained to me that I was suffering from Anxiety Disorder and he could give me some medication that would help me. He put me on a combination of anti-anxiety medication and an antidepressant. Most importantly he offered me an explanation as to why none of the antidepressants had worked for me before. Antidepressants can take up to two weeks to start working. He assured me that the anti-anxiety medication would give me some relief from my symptoms until the antidepressant started to take affect. I clearly remember how I felt after I took the first dose. After about thirty minutes it felt like someone had turned off the pressure cooker. My mind was so quiet and calm. It was the first peace that I had experienced in a very long year and a half. I thanked God and then drifted off into a restful sleep.
Two weeks later, at my follow-up visit with the Psychiatrist, I hadn’t had one anxiety attack. I was actually starting to feel like myself again. The doctor confirmed that I had been in a very bad state at my initial visit and that he had been very concerned about me. He recommended that I continue with the medication and make an appointment with a Psychologist to help me understand some of the feelings that I was experiencing. I will never forget him or his gentle eyes. He helped me to escape from the cycle of anxiety that had consumed my life. With his help I was able to stand up and continue peacefully on my journey to where I am today.
I have not spoken, at length, about that time in my life until very recently. Partly because I didn’t want to give it energy and partly because I was embarrassed. Today at work, we were discussing a patient in a similar situation and I found myself telling my story, out load, with no shame or embarrassment. After I finished the story, I was kind of surprised at myself, speaking so assuredly and with such candor. After hearing the entire story from my own mouth, I thought to myself, “It’s no wonder I had a nervous breakdown, my whole support system was crumbling down around me at a time when I needed it the most.” I was amazed by how clear it all seemed. I wasn’t fragile, crazy, or mentally ill. I was simply a young girl with a huge amount of responsibility, a walking casualty of a raging family war that had robbed her of the only life she had ever known.
There is no amount of money that could convince me to trade the wisdom of my forties for the cuteness of my twenties and thirties. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll go shopping today and get myself some bigger pants. I want to be ready for that middle age spread everyone keeps talking about.
One period of time in my life stands out among the rest as one of the most traumatic and life changing. I was in my late twenties and I had two small boys ages two and four. I took every aspect of being a mother very, very seriously and I put a lot of pressure on myself to make them and everything for them, perfect.
My parents were going through a divorce after a very rocky twenty six year marriage. It certainly wasn’t any big surprise and being that my sister and I were adults, I honestly thought that their divorce would be just a mere technicality, the signing of papers. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. The divorce started out bad and quickly took a turn for the worst. Each side set up their own camp and the unfortunate casualties, caught in the cross fire, were forced to choose sides. When I refused to choose, I became public enemy number one, a traitor. The fighting between camps was unbearable and I would get weekly phone calls from family members telling me what an unappreciative, insensitive, horrible person I was, with no regard for anyone but myself.
I was mortified at how hateful and vindictive these people who had raised me could be. The people who told me they would always love me, no matter what. The very people who convinced me that, “you can’t count on anyone in this life but your family,” had turned on me like a pack of vicious dogs fighting over a piece of bloody meat. I was absolutely devastated.
Having troubles in my own nine year marriage, on top of everything else, made me feel like I was living in a pressure cooker. I did pretty well for about a year and then the weight of the constant stress started to take it’s toll. I started having frequent, severe, anxiety attacks. These attacks caused a feeling of sheer terror and panic, equivalent to the feeling of being on a doomed airliner or being trapped, with little air, in a small space underground. Most unfortunate was that every time one of these attacks would occur, the overwhelming feeling of impending doom was so severe that there was no meditation, breathing technique, or rationalization that was going to convince me otherwise. All of my senses were heightened and my body’s fight or flight response was on full throttle. Heart racing, sweaty palms, trembling, darting eyes, shortness of breath, rising heat from head to toe and tingling hands would precede an escalating feeling that I had to get out of wherever I was or I would absolutely lose control.
The attacks started out relatively mild but quickly progressed to a debilitating level. At my worst point I didn’t want to leave the house at all, I was absolutely terrified of these attacks. I did leave the house, because I had to, but I cried all the time and was so anxious, even when I was at home. I started pacing, because I was too anxious to sit or lay down, I literally trembled inside and out, all day, every day. I couldn’t sleep, I stopped eating and began losing weight, a lot of weight. With my functional ability so obviously declining, I obsessively worried about my children. What were they going to do without me? Who would take care of them? What would they think when they were told that their mother lost her mind? I was unaware that it was thoughts like these that were fueling my anxiety
My primary care doctor was prescribing me one antidepressant after another and nothing seemed to be helping. In fact, some of them actually made things worse. One of my dear friends finally intervened and got me an appointment with a Psychiatrist. She drove me to the appointment, I can remember that ride like it was yesterday. Sobbing uncontrollably, I just knew that as soon we stepped foot in that office they were going to throw a straight jacket on me and transport me straight to the nearest psychiatric ward. More anxiety fuel.
When I walked in, there were no white coats and no straight jackets, just a gentle faced Asian man, sitting behind his desk wearing a navy blue dress suit. He looked at me with the most caring eyes, his demeanor convinced me that he didn’t think I was crazy at all, even though I was sobbing uncontrollably and could barely talk. He explained to me that I was suffering from Anxiety Disorder and he could give me some medication that would help me. He put me on a combination of anti-anxiety medication and an antidepressant. Most importantly he offered me an explanation as to why none of the antidepressants had worked for me before. Antidepressants can take up to two weeks to start working. He assured me that the anti-anxiety medication would give me some relief from my symptoms until the antidepressant started to take affect. I clearly remember how I felt after I took the first dose. After about thirty minutes it felt like someone had turned off the pressure cooker. My mind was so quiet and calm. It was the first peace that I had experienced in a very long year and a half. I thanked God and then drifted off into a restful sleep.
Two weeks later, at my follow-up visit with the Psychiatrist, I hadn’t had one anxiety attack. I was actually starting to feel like myself again. The doctor confirmed that I had been in a very bad state at my initial visit and that he had been very concerned about me. He recommended that I continue with the medication and make an appointment with a Psychologist to help me understand some of the feelings that I was experiencing. I will never forget him or his gentle eyes. He helped me to escape from the cycle of anxiety that had consumed my life. With his help I was able to stand up and continue peacefully on my journey to where I am today.
I have not spoken, at length, about that time in my life until very recently. Partly because I didn’t want to give it energy and partly because I was embarrassed. Today at work, we were discussing a patient in a similar situation and I found myself telling my story, out load, with no shame or embarrassment. After I finished the story, I was kind of surprised at myself, speaking so assuredly and with such candor. After hearing the entire story from my own mouth, I thought to myself, “It’s no wonder I had a nervous breakdown, my whole support system was crumbling down around me at a time when I needed it the most.” I was amazed by how clear it all seemed. I wasn’t fragile, crazy, or mentally ill. I was simply a young girl with a huge amount of responsibility, a walking casualty of a raging family war that had robbed her of the only life she had ever known.
There is no amount of money that could convince me to trade the wisdom of my forties for the cuteness of my twenties and thirties. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll go shopping today and get myself some bigger pants. I want to be ready for that middle age spread everyone keeps talking about.
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