Sunday, October 23, 2016
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Hey....Hey you out there!!! What do you want me to write about?
This blog has been a source of therapy for me, an outlet of sorts. I have a very, very dysfunctional family. I am estranged from my mother and my sister as they are toxic and have caused me nothing but grief. Their side of the story will be quite different from mine but let us just suffice it to say they are toxic. Nuclear waste toxic.
So I guess what I'm getting at is that I know a good majority of the population comes from dysfunctional families and I wanted to reach out to anyone who felt that they wanted to comment. To say whatever you feel like saying. I have had people tell me that they can't believe I don't speak to "my own mother." It makes me question myself for sure, however, looking back on so many years of building up hope only to be let down time and time again, renders me exhausted. It got to the point that it was like a familiar dance that I was ultimately able to predict how and when the dance would end almost every time.
Toxic people can and often times are our own family members. We continue to "tolerate" behavior from them that we simply would not tolerate from a friend or acquaintance. The phrase "Honor thy mother," haunts me but I can honestly say that I have tried. Not just once, many, many times. My interest is how to get rid of the negative affects that the breakdown of this key relationship leave behind. The decreased confidence, difficulty building relationships and trusting people. I mean "if you can't trust your own mother, who can you trust?" That thought has crossed my mind a million times. According to the self help books I have read that is about a million times too many, as controlling your thoughts and inner voice are key to a peaceful mind. Ahhhhh, a peaceful mind. That sounds like heaven. Maybe we can focus on that here. Unburdening our minds of all of the negative emotions associated with family strife or any other unpleasantness to create a quite, peaceful mind. What do you think? Really, I want to know what you think.
So I guess what I'm getting at is that I know a good majority of the population comes from dysfunctional families and I wanted to reach out to anyone who felt that they wanted to comment. To say whatever you feel like saying. I have had people tell me that they can't believe I don't speak to "my own mother." It makes me question myself for sure, however, looking back on so many years of building up hope only to be let down time and time again, renders me exhausted. It got to the point that it was like a familiar dance that I was ultimately able to predict how and when the dance would end almost every time.
Toxic people can and often times are our own family members. We continue to "tolerate" behavior from them that we simply would not tolerate from a friend or acquaintance. The phrase "Honor thy mother," haunts me but I can honestly say that I have tried. Not just once, many, many times. My interest is how to get rid of the negative affects that the breakdown of this key relationship leave behind. The decreased confidence, difficulty building relationships and trusting people. I mean "if you can't trust your own mother, who can you trust?" That thought has crossed my mind a million times. According to the self help books I have read that is about a million times too many, as controlling your thoughts and inner voice are key to a peaceful mind. Ahhhhh, a peaceful mind. That sounds like heaven. Maybe we can focus on that here. Unburdening our minds of all of the negative emotions associated with family strife or any other unpleasantness to create a quite, peaceful mind. What do you think? Really, I want to know what you think.
Tuesday, December 01, 2015
Born Guilty to You
Born to someone who is addicted to attention
negative or positive "it's all about You"
Look at this beautiful baby you brought into the world
"you did so good, you are going to be such a good mother"
She looks so cute when you
put that bow in her hair
You always dress her in the cutest baby clothes
She looks like a little doll, you keep her so beautifully
I bet she'll grow up to be just like you
Well she didn't, she is independent not co-dependent
She is smart, so smart, not ignorant
She was born with a large capacity for love
She couldn't walk away from her father
when he no longer served you
She has a beautiful soul
gave birth to two beautiful souls
that you had nothing to do with
She works hard for a living
nothing special, just got her degree
and made a career for herself, unlike you
You gave birth to a evil soul
who caused so much grief and upheaval
You talked and talked and talked
told anyone who would listen
you poor soul how do you handle it
That evil soul got you so much more attention
than the beautiful one just trying to understand
life, trying to do everything right in your eyes
Your eyes that didn't even see her because
she didn't draw attention to herself or most importantly
YOU
I hate you
negative or positive "it's all about You"
Look at this beautiful baby you brought into the world
"you did so good, you are going to be such a good mother"
She looks so cute when you
put that bow in her hair
You always dress her in the cutest baby clothes
She looks like a little doll, you keep her so beautifully
I bet she'll grow up to be just like you
Well she didn't, she is independent not co-dependent
She is smart, so smart, not ignorant
She was born with a large capacity for love
She couldn't walk away from her father
when he no longer served you
She has a beautiful soul
gave birth to two beautiful souls
that you had nothing to do with
She works hard for a living
nothing special, just got her degree
and made a career for herself, unlike you
You gave birth to a evil soul
who caused so much grief and upheaval
You talked and talked and talked
told anyone who would listen
you poor soul how do you handle it
That evil soul got you so much more attention
than the beautiful one just trying to understand
life, trying to do everything right in your eyes
Your eyes that didn't even see her because
she didn't draw attention to herself or most importantly
YOU
I hate you
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
A Life Worth Living
I haven't dated much
but what I do remember about dating
Is that there was passion
and you couldn't get enough of each other
Maybe that is why I am 45 and still searching
A couple of my recent relationships
were what I considered strange
I didn't know how to interpret them
it was almost as if they were speaking a foreign language
I have responsibilities, I have to take care of my mother
I have to take care of my animals.
I get that, I'm not asking for these things to be left for dead
since you are dating me
I think I once had the impression that I was all that
Now it would seem that I couldn't attract the biggest loser on the planet
(and I don't mean from the t.v. show)
I am just not used to dating someone and being the last thing on their list
a responsibility, a liability, an imposition
This is the second time that this has happened
in the past couple of years
It's starting to feel like the norm
rather than the exception
I know that people have been hurt
I have hurt people
and been hurt 10 fold for that already
It would seem that Karma is not a bitch
she is just very, very persistent
I used to think I could be worth something to someone
now I'm not so sure.....
The thought of being alone for the rest of my life
is not a good one
In fact it almost negates the purpose of living at all
My heart is heavy, my soul weighed down with sadness
So heavy in fact that it makes it hard for me to breathe
but what I do remember about dating
Is that there was passion
and you couldn't get enough of each other
Maybe that is why I am 45 and still searching
A couple of my recent relationships
were what I considered strange
I didn't know how to interpret them
it was almost as if they were speaking a foreign language
I have responsibilities, I have to take care of my mother
I have to take care of my animals.
I get that, I'm not asking for these things to be left for dead
since you are dating me
I think I once had the impression that I was all that
Now it would seem that I couldn't attract the biggest loser on the planet
(and I don't mean from the t.v. show)
I am just not used to dating someone and being the last thing on their list
a responsibility, a liability, an imposition
This is the second time that this has happened
in the past couple of years
It's starting to feel like the norm
rather than the exception
I know that people have been hurt
I have hurt people
and been hurt 10 fold for that already
It would seem that Karma is not a bitch
she is just very, very persistent
I used to think I could be worth something to someone
now I'm not so sure.....
The thought of being alone for the rest of my life
is not a good one
In fact it almost negates the purpose of living at all
My heart is heavy, my soul weighed down with sadness
So heavy in fact that it makes it hard for me to breathe
Thursday, March 07, 2013
The War
She was dying, my whole life
but truly dying for only two weeks
I laid down my armor
I opened the gate to my emotional wall
I let everyone in, especially her, the princess
So child like with hardly a voice
she spoke to me as if I were a wizard
As if I, single handedly could fix
any problem that would arise in her tiny world
on yardarm drive
Most of the time I could
during those two weeks anyway
I made peace with myself and with her
I feel certain that she knew
despite the scars of the past that I loved her
The barbed wire fences were mended
no more stones left to cast
the war was over
She was gone
January 11th, 2013
The image haunts me
the coroner covering her face with a sheet
life is so short
It was quiet, so quiet and still
an emptiness in the pit of my soul
I hadn't wanted the fighting
I protested the war
It happened anyway
though no fault of my own
or hers really
She was a mere soldier
following commands
carrying out orders
Allegiance pledged to the one she had chosen
The casualty was me
cut to the bone time and time again
by words so razor sharp
I was gutted and never even felt the blade
I would retreat for a time
to rest, to heal
but I always came back because I loved her
The casualty was her
robbed of the chance to
know me, to know my boys
to truly experience
the love that she so desperately craved
Now she's gone
damn the war
but truly dying for only two weeks
I laid down my armor
I opened the gate to my emotional wall
I let everyone in, especially her, the princess
So child like with hardly a voice
she spoke to me as if I were a wizard
As if I, single handedly could fix
any problem that would arise in her tiny world
on yardarm drive
Most of the time I could
during those two weeks anyway
I made peace with myself and with her
I feel certain that she knew
despite the scars of the past that I loved her
The barbed wire fences were mended
no more stones left to cast
the war was over
She was gone
January 11th, 2013
The image haunts me
the coroner covering her face with a sheet
life is so short
It was quiet, so quiet and still
an emptiness in the pit of my soul
I hadn't wanted the fighting
I protested the war
It happened anyway
though no fault of my own
or hers really
She was a mere soldier
following commands
carrying out orders
Allegiance pledged to the one she had chosen
The casualty was me
cut to the bone time and time again
by words so razor sharp
I was gutted and never even felt the blade
I would retreat for a time
to rest, to heal
but I always came back because I loved her
The casualty was her
robbed of the chance to
know me, to know my boys
to truly experience
the love that she so desperately craved
Now she's gone
damn the war
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Reality (Response Requested)
When I look at a globe
I am awestruck by the
vastness of the world
By the millions and millions
of people who are living
their lives based on
circumstances they were
born into
Their reality....
From the child born in
the best hospital with
an oral fixation on
a silver spoon
To the child that is born
in a field, delivered by his
own mother, who will know
nothing more than poverty,
hunger, and human suffering
That child may witness
death on a daily basis
leaving him with little
regard for human life
That child may grow up
to believe that there
is justification in killing
his neighbor
If it is a means to
his next meal
Each and every one of us
believe that our reality
is the only reality
In actuality each of us
lives inside our own globe
Our own sphere that holds
together the beliefs and
experiences that have
created and shaped our reality
Those spheres keep
us one with our
fears, prejudice,
moral judgement, and
values
That have been cultivated
throughout centuries
and passed down to us,
as if they were genes
They might as well be genes,
they influence every part
of our lives, every decision
we make
Won't you consider this
and post a comment listing one
or more beliefs or behaviors
that may be a result of
your circumstances
Your sphere of reality
I am awestruck by the
vastness of the world
By the millions and millions
of people who are living
their lives based on
circumstances they were
born into
Their reality....
From the child born in
the best hospital with
an oral fixation on
a silver spoon
To the child that is born
in a field, delivered by his
own mother, who will know
nothing more than poverty,
hunger, and human suffering
That child may witness
death on a daily basis
leaving him with little
regard for human life
That child may grow up
to believe that there
is justification in killing
his neighbor
If it is a means to
his next meal
Each and every one of us
believe that our reality
is the only reality
In actuality each of us
lives inside our own globe
Our own sphere that holds
together the beliefs and
experiences that have
created and shaped our reality
Those spheres keep
us one with our
fears, prejudice,
moral judgement, and
values
That have been cultivated
throughout centuries
and passed down to us,
as if they were genes
They might as well be genes,
they influence every part
of our lives, every decision
we make
Won't you consider this
and post a comment listing one
or more beliefs or behaviors
that may be a result of
your circumstances
Your sphere of reality
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Broken
I have everything that I have ever wanted
or so it would seem
I still feel like I am searching
most probably for something that doesn't even exist
+++++ (Finn posted that, curious little fellow)
God I love these dogs, I have become the crazy dog lady
There are so many ghosts and memories
that seem to haunt me
I can't relate to my family, which seems so strange
when it shouldn't, they have always been nuts
It is so very hard to sit next to my mother
and listen to all her pleasantries and bullshit when I know she resents me so
I have my own adorable home
my car is paid for and I just bought the boat I have always wanted
So what am I so terrified of?
My dad is such a wonderful man
not easy to communicate with but what man is really?
I don't know what I would do without him
He does so much for me
It will be two years since my divorce soon
I don't feel any regrets about that
But I do miss having the back up income
and not having to worry so about my job
Every action has a reaction
and every choice has it's price
Actually everything has it's price
I'm finding
A friend of mine told me
that my body (sick all of the time)
is trying to tell me something
Is that it, or has it finally, simply, anticlimactically
BROKEN
Friday, June 03, 2011
Ducks Amuck
I'm in such a strange space
I can't say I'm totally at ease here
But I am more peaceful than I have been in a while
I am feeling comfortable in my own skin, happy to be me:
Messy
Squirmy
Picking at my fingernails
Spacey sometimes
Brilliant others
Tired a lot
Lover of love
Never say diet
Indecisive
Impulsive
Questioning
Poking
Prodding
Silly
Funny
Curious
Anxious
Quirky
Perky
Running late
Procrastinating
Living on my own with ducks amuck
Me.
I can't say I'm totally at ease here
But I am more peaceful than I have been in a while
I am feeling comfortable in my own skin, happy to be me:
Messy
Squirmy
Picking at my fingernails
Spacey sometimes
Brilliant others
Tired a lot
Lover of love
Never say diet
Indecisive
Impulsive
Questioning
Poking
Prodding
Silly
Funny
Curious
Anxious
Quirky
Perky
Running late
Procrastinating
Living on my own with ducks amuck
Me.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Feelings Lie?
I'm confused by that
mainly because I have a lot of them
I've been told many times throughout my life
that I am very perceptive
My perception is partly based on feelings
partly on observation and lastly on actions
So my perception of "feelings lie"
is that, sometimes they do
But other times "feelings lie"
is simply a clever way to negate
the feelings of another
mainly because I have a lot of them
I've been told many times throughout my life
that I am very perceptive
My perception is partly based on feelings
partly on observation and lastly on actions
So my perception of "feelings lie"
is that, sometimes they do
But other times "feelings lie"
is simply a clever way to negate
the feelings of another
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
He Talked To Me Today
He talked to me today
I know it must be him
Either I'm totally crazy
or he talks to me through other people
It seems that it's my patients mostly
I'm guessing it's because I can listen to them without emotion
It seemed more obvious than usual today
he (my patient) just started talking without preface
No story or byline he just simply
delivered the message
It's always pertinent to my life situation at that moment
it always evokes thought and provides some clarity
If I let myself be open to it
If I allow myself to accept the blessing
It is truly miraculous
I know it must be him
Either I'm totally crazy
or he talks to me through other people
It seems that it's my patients mostly
I'm guessing it's because I can listen to them without emotion
It seemed more obvious than usual today
he (my patient) just started talking without preface
No story or byline he just simply
delivered the message
It's always pertinent to my life situation at that moment
it always evokes thought and provides some clarity
If I let myself be open to it
If I allow myself to accept the blessing
It is truly miraculous
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
The New Girl
I'm starting to get to know
this new girl that's emerging
With each stone that is lifted
each patch of earth that is shifted
With each layer that is shed
the light up above seems more in focus
Letting go of preconceived notions
scrubbing off the build-up of the past 43 years
Growing into myself, lighting my own path
I don't have to keep carrying all of this stuff around
The past is the past
life is not black and white
In all of it's glory
it's ten thousand shades of gray
No one is supposed to do anything
except die and pay taxes
I am taking a swing at that theoretical shoe
I'm going to make it drop so I can stop fearing it
The rhetorical questioning in my mind has stopped
life is hard enough, I'm just taking it as it comes
Focusing on the gifts of each new day
and being "love"
this new girl that's emerging
With each stone that is lifted
each patch of earth that is shifted
With each layer that is shed
the light up above seems more in focus
Letting go of preconceived notions
scrubbing off the build-up of the past 43 years
Growing into myself, lighting my own path
I don't have to keep carrying all of this stuff around
The past is the past
life is not black and white
In all of it's glory
it's ten thousand shades of gray
No one is supposed to do anything
except die and pay taxes
I am taking a swing at that theoretical shoe
I'm going to make it drop so I can stop fearing it
The rhetorical questioning in my mind has stopped
life is hard enough, I'm just taking it as it comes
Focusing on the gifts of each new day
and being "love"
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I Got Published!!!
My first publication, I'm so excited. I guess this means I am officially a freelance writer!!! I've always heard that you should write about what you love. It's so ironic that it was my lifelong love for Mexican food that ultimately got me published. I should have known it would be food, it is what I love. LOL!!
Click on "Don't Miss the Tampa Taco Bus" to the right to read my article.
Click on "Don't Miss the Tampa Taco Bus" to the right to read my article.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
My Needs in a Relationship
Communication (even though it's hard for me)
Togetherness
Stability
Spontaneity
Fun
Laughter
Passion
Support
Non-Judgment
Time with mutual friends
Alone time
Flexibility
Consideration
Spirituality
Kindness
Patience
Trust
to be continued....
Togetherness
Stability
Spontaneity
Fun
Laughter
Passion
Support
Non-Judgment
Time with mutual friends
Alone time
Flexibility
Consideration
Spirituality
Kindness
Patience
Trust
to be continued....
Monday, September 13, 2010
The Exhale
Tonight I remembered why
I have this yearning to be near the water
I finally allowed myself some time
to sit on the dock, under the stars
I rocked in a rocking chair built for two
just me, Maggie laid down on the dock
There was a beautiful breeze
the water was swiftly moving
Then it happened, the exhale
This huge breath of salted air that fills my lungs
as it leaves my body, so do all my worries
The feeling of the salt settling on my skin
the sound of the water and the sea breeze
I was as close to the water as I could get
without actually getting in
I could almost feel the water running through me
surging through my veins
Washing away the stresses of the day
clearing the slate, as a shoreline is smoothed by a wave
The water is my past, my present, my future
I could stay here forever
I have this yearning to be near the water
I finally allowed myself some time
to sit on the dock, under the stars
I rocked in a rocking chair built for two
just me, Maggie laid down on the dock
There was a beautiful breeze
the water was swiftly moving
Then it happened, the exhale
This huge breath of salted air that fills my lungs
as it leaves my body, so do all my worries
The feeling of the salt settling on my skin
the sound of the water and the sea breeze
I was as close to the water as I could get
without actually getting in
I could almost feel the water running through me
surging through my veins
Washing away the stresses of the day
clearing the slate, as a shoreline is smoothed by a wave
The water is my past, my present, my future
I could stay here forever
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
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