A Life Worth Living

I haven't dated much
but what I do remember about dating

Is that there was passion
and you couldn't get enough of each other

Maybe that is why I am 45 and still searching

A couple of my recent relationships
were what I considered strange

I didn't know how to interpret them
it was almost as if they were speaking a foreign language

I have responsibilities, I have to take care of my mother
I have to take care of my animals.

I get that, I'm not asking for these things to be left for dead
since you are dating me

I think I once had the impression that I was all that
Now it would seem that I couldn't attract the biggest loser on the planet
(and I don't mean from the t.v. show)

I am just not used to dating someone and being the last thing on their list
a responsibility, a liability, an imposition

This is the second time that this has happened
in the past couple of years

It's starting to feel like the norm
rather than the exception

I know that people have been hurt

I have hurt people
and been hurt 10 fold for that already

It would seem that Karma is not a bitch
she is just very, very persistent

I used to think I could be worth something to someone
now I'm not so sure.....

The thought of being alone for the rest of my life
is not a good one

In fact it almost negates the purpose of living at all

My heart is heavy, my soul weighed down with sadness

So heavy in fact that it makes it hard for me to breathe

The War

She was dying, my whole life
but truly dying for only two weeks

I laid down my armor
I opened the gate to my emotional wall
I let everyone in, especially her, the princess

So child like with hardly a voice
she spoke to me as if I were a wizard

As if I, single handedly could fix
any problem that would arise in her tiny world
on yardarm drive

Most of the time I could
during those two weeks anyway

I made peace with myself and with her
I feel certain that she knew
despite the scars of the past that I loved her

The barbed wire fences were mended
no more stones left to cast
the war was over

She was gone
January 11th, 2013

The image haunts me
the coroner covering her face with a sheet
life is so short

It was quiet, so quiet and still
an emptiness in the pit of my soul

I hadn't wanted the fighting
I protested the war

It happened anyway
though no fault of my own
or hers really

She was a mere soldier
following commands
carrying out orders

Allegiance pledged to the one she had chosen

The casualty was me
cut to the bone time and time again
by words so razor sharp
I was gutted and never even felt the blade

I would retreat for a time
to rest, to heal
but I always came back because I loved her

The casualty was her
robbed of the chance to
know me, to know my boys
to truly experience
the love that she so desperately craved


Now she's gone
damn the war

Reality (Response Requested)

When I look at a globe
I am awestruck by the
vastness of the world

By the millions and millions
of people who are living
their lives based on
circumstances they were
born into

Their reality....

From the child born in
the best hospital with
an oral fixation on
a silver spoon

To the child that is born
in a field, delivered by his
own mother, who will know
nothing more than poverty,
hunger, and human suffering

That child may witness
death on a daily basis
leaving him with little
regard for human life

That child may grow up
to believe that there
is justification in killing
his neighbor

If it is a means to
his next meal

Each and every one of us
believe that our reality
is the only reality

In actuality each of us
lives inside our own globe

Our own sphere that holds
together the beliefs and
experiences that have
created and shaped our reality

Those spheres keep
us one with our
fears, prejudice,
moral judgement, and
values

That have been cultivated
throughout centuries
and passed down to us,
as if they were genes

They might as well be genes,
they influence every part
of our lives, every decision
we make

Won't you consider this
and post a comment listing one
or more beliefs or behaviors
that may be a result of
your circumstances

Your sphere of reality

Broken

I have everything that I have ever wanted or so it would seem I still feel like I am searching most probably for something that doesn't even exist +++++ (Finn posted that, curious little fellow) God I love these dogs, I have become the crazy dog lady There are so many ghosts and memories that seem to haunt me I can't relate to my family, which seems so strange when it shouldn't, they have always been nuts It is so very hard to sit next to my mother and listen to all her pleasantries and bullshit when I know she resents me so I have my own adorable home my car is paid for and I just bought the boat I have always wanted So what am I so terrified of? My dad is such a wonderful man not easy to communicate with but what man is really? I don't know what I would do without him He does so much for me It will be two years since my divorce soon I don't feel any regrets about that But I do miss having the back up income and not having to worry so about my job Every action has a reaction and every choice has it's price Actually everything has it's price I'm finding A friend of mine told me that my body (sick all of the time) is trying to tell me something Is that it, or has it finally, simply, anticlimactically BROKEN

Ducks Amuck

I'm in such a strange space

I can't say I'm totally at ease here

But I am more peaceful than I have been in a while

I am feeling comfortable in my own skin, happy to be me:

Messy
Squirmy
Picking at my fingernails
Spacey sometimes
Brilliant others
Tired a lot
Lover of love
Never say diet
Indecisive
Impulsive
Questioning
Poking
Prodding
Silly
Funny
Curious
Anxious
Quirky
Perky
Running late
Procrastinating
Living on my own with ducks amuck


Me.

Feelings Lie?

I'm confused by that
mainly because I have a lot of them

I've been told many times throughout my life
that I am very perceptive

My perception is partly based on feelings
partly on observation and lastly on actions

So my perception of "feelings lie"
is that, sometimes they do

But other times "feelings lie"
is simply a clever way to negate
the feelings of another

I Have Walked A Mile

in so many shoes.

I'd like to rest now
in a comfortable pair.

I forgot

about me.

He Talked To Me Today

He talked to me today
I know it must be him

Either I'm totally crazy
or he talks to me through other people

It seems that it's my patients mostly
I'm guessing it's because I can listen to them without emotion

It seemed more obvious than usual today
he (my patient) just started talking without preface

No story or byline he just simply
delivered the message

It's always pertinent to my life situation at that moment
it always evokes thought and provides some clarity

If I let myself be open to it
If I allow myself to accept the blessing

It is truly miraculous

The New Girl

I'm starting to get to know
this new girl that's emerging

With each stone that is lifted
each patch of earth that is shifted

With each layer that is shed
the light up above seems more in focus

Letting go of preconceived notions
scrubbing off the build-up of the past 43 years

Growing into myself, lighting my own path
I don't have to keep carrying all of this stuff around

The past is the past
life is not black and white

In all of it's glory
it's ten thousand shades of gray

No one is supposed to do anything
except die and pay taxes

I am taking a swing at that theoretical shoe
I'm going to make it drop so I can stop fearing it

The rhetorical questioning in my mind has stopped
life is hard enough, I'm just taking it as it comes

Focusing on the gifts of each new day
and being "love"

My puppy, My friend, My furry little smile maker

I Got Published!!!

My first publication, I'm so excited. I guess this means I am officially a freelance writer!!! I've always heard that you should write about what you love. It's so ironic that it was my lifelong love for Mexican food that ultimately got me published. I should have known it would be food, it is what I love. LOL!!

Click on "Don't Miss the Tampa Taco Bus" to the right to read my article.

My Needs in a Relationship

Communication (even though it's hard for me)

Togetherness

Stability

Spontaneity

Fun

Laughter

Passion

Support

Non-Judgment

Time with mutual friends

Alone time

Flexibility

Consideration

Spirituality

Kindness

Patience

Trust

to be continued....

The Exhale

Tonight I remembered why
I have this yearning to be near the water

I finally allowed myself some time
to sit on the dock, under the stars

I rocked in a rocking chair built for two
just me, Maggie laid down on the dock

There was a beautiful breeze
the water was swiftly moving

Then it happened, the exhale

This huge breath of salted air that fills my lungs
as it leaves my body, so do all my worries

The feeling of the salt settling on my skin
the sound of the water and the sea breeze

I was as close to the water as I could get
without actually getting in

I could almost feel the water running through me
surging through my veins

Washing away the stresses of the day
clearing the slate, as a shoreline is smoothed by a wave

The water is my past, my present, my future
I could stay here forever

My Girls

Struggling

To struggle by definition:

• make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction
• strive to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance
• engage in conflict
• make one's way with difficulty

As cliche' as this may sound
I feel like I have been struggling all my life

Maybe we all are struggling
but I have only lived my own

I signed documents today
that will complete an entire volume of my life

A volume filled with turmoil, scandal, anxiety
fear, uncertainty, tears, insecurity, awakening and growth

Sprinkled throughout were moments of elation and joy
giving birth to and raising my two sons

As I sit here, in the quiet of my new home
I feel so many emotions, I have so many questions

None of which can be answered by anyone else

I have done the very best that I can
I have made hard choices and big decisions

I set a goal of August 1, 2010
and on that night I slept in my new home

I met conflict head on and didn't back down
something I have never, ever done before

I feel proud

I am filled with wonder

Wonder about what the next volume of my life will look like
will all the pieces of the puzzle fit together

I used to feel like my life was scattered, like satellites
it's not anymore, for the most part

I don't really know what to do with that
it has been my existence for as far back as I can remember

One life here, one life there, another over there
it is so quiet now, so very silent

I can hear the traffic on Gandy
the occasional footsteps of my neighbor above

Today I signed the papers

The Most Glorious Gift

What do you say?

When "thank you" isn't enough

When "I love you" doesn't even come close

When there simply are no words

What do you do?

When you can't get close enough

When you can't hug tightly enough

When the time you spend together goes by too fast

You.....

Wake up each morning and revel in the joy of being in a loving relationship

Smile and share kindness because your heart is full but light

Know that the other part of you is never very far away

Keep putting one foot in front of the other on the road to creating your future

But most importantly......

You thank God for blessing you
with the most wonderful and glorious gift
that one person could ask for

Love

Loving Fearlessly

If it's between love and losing
to never have known the feeling
I'd still side with love

And if I end up lonely
at least I'll be there knowing
I believed in love

~Fearless, Colbie Caillat