The New Girl

I'm starting to get to know
this new girl that's emerging

With each stone that is lifted
each patch of earth that is shifted

With each layer that is shed
the light up above seems more in focus

Letting go of preconceived notions
scrubbing off the build-up of the past 43 years

Growing into myself, lighting my own path
I don't have to keep carrying all of this stuff around

The past is the past
life is not black and white

In all of it's glory
it's ten thousand shades of gray

No one is supposed to do anything
except die and pay taxes

I am taking a swing at that theoretical shoe
I'm going to make it drop so I can stop fearing it

The rhetorical questioning in my mind has stopped
life is hard enough, I'm just taking it as it comes

Focusing on the gifts of each new day
and being "love"

My puppy, My friend, My furry little smile maker

I Got Published!!!

My first publication, I'm so excited. I guess this means I am officially a freelance writer!!! I've always heard that you should write about what you love. It's so ironic that it was my lifelong love for Mexican food that ultimately got me published. I should have known it would be food, it is what I love. LOL!!

Click on "Don't Miss the Tampa Taco Bus" to the right to read my article.

My Needs in a Relationship

Communication (even though it's hard for me)

Togetherness

Stability

Spontaneity

Fun

Laughter

Passion

Support

Non-Judgment

Time with mutual friends

Alone time

Flexibility

Consideration

Spirituality

Kindness

Patience

Trust

to be continued....

The Exhale

Tonight I remembered why
I have this yearning to be near the water

I finally allowed myself some time
to sit on the dock, under the stars

I rocked in a rocking chair built for two
just me, Maggie laid down on the dock

There was a beautiful breeze
the water was swiftly moving

Then it happened, the exhale

This huge breath of salted air that fills my lungs
as it leaves my body, so do all my worries

The feeling of the salt settling on my skin
the sound of the water and the sea breeze

I was as close to the water as I could get
without actually getting in

I could almost feel the water running through me
surging through my veins

Washing away the stresses of the day
clearing the slate, as a shoreline is smoothed by a wave

The water is my past, my present, my future
I could stay here forever

My Girls

Struggling

To struggle by definition:

• make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction
• strive to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance
• engage in conflict
• make one's way with difficulty

As cliche' as this may sound
I feel like I have been struggling all my life

Maybe we all are struggling
but I have only lived my own

I signed documents today
that will complete an entire volume of my life

A volume filled with turmoil, scandal, anxiety
fear, uncertainty, tears, insecurity, awakening and growth

Sprinkled throughout were moments of elation and joy
giving birth to and raising my two sons

As I sit here, in the quiet of my new home
I feel so many emotions, I have so many questions

None of which can be answered by anyone else

I have done the very best that I can
I have made hard choices and big decisions

I set a goal of August 1, 2010
and on that night I slept in my new home

I met conflict head on and didn't back down
something I have never, ever done before

I feel proud

I am filled with wonder

Wonder about what the next volume of my life will look like
will all the pieces of the puzzle fit together

I used to feel like my life was scattered, like satellites
it's not anymore, for the most part

I don't really know what to do with that
it has been my existence for as far back as I can remember

One life here, one life there, another over there
it is so quiet now, so very silent

I can hear the traffic on Gandy
the occasional footsteps of my neighbor above

Today I signed the papers

The Most Glorious Gift

What do you say?

When "thank you" isn't enough

When "I love you" doesn't even come close

When there simply are no words

What do you do?

When you can't get close enough

When you can't hug tightly enough

When the time you spend together goes by too fast

You.....

Wake up each morning and revel in the joy of being in a loving relationship

Smile and share kindness because your heart is full but light

Know that the other part of you is never very far away

Keep putting one foot in front of the other on the road to creating your future

But most importantly......

You thank God for blessing you
with the most wonderful and glorious gift
that one person could ask for

Love

Loving Fearlessly

If it's between love and losing
to never have known the feeling
I'd still side with love

And if I end up lonely
at least I'll be there knowing
I believed in love

~Fearless, Colbie Caillat

I'm Free

I did it
I no longer have to live with the stigma
of being the "woman who still lives with her husband"

I don't have to tell my story anymore
I don't have to try to justify or explain
It simply no longer exists

I'm free to be me
to create myself, my life
the way I want it to be

I keep having to fight
to keep myself from feeling guilty
from feeling selfish

I have dreamt of this day
I have envisioned it in terror
and I have envisioned it in bliss

Honestly, so far, it's been both
but I'm out here, standing on my own two feet
and I can do anything I put my mind to

It is such an incredible feeling
I'm free, completely free
and I am ready to create my future

Boxes

I feel like I'm squishing my soul
into a bunch of small boxes.

I just hope that when I open them
it hasn't been damaged.

This is hard.....

A lot harder than I thought it would be.

I just continue to put one foot
in front of the other.

I'm so tired though,
so very tired.

Tears come and go,
small glimmers of excitement.

Questioning myself, my abilities
trying hard to treat myself with kindness.

Fear wanes and sadness swells
as this very large volume of my life
is coming to a close.

No do overs, no encores,
no curtain call, just fade to boxes.

Real Life

It isn't pretty sometimes
and it's not always fun

But if, at the end of the day
you can lay down beside the person
that you most want to share this life with and:

Laugh
Cry
Melt down
Pray
Fall into exhausted sleep
Toss and turn
Make love
Comfort
Eat cheesecake
Share secrets
Argue

Simply to know that your support, your love
will be there laying next to you at the end of the day

Helping to wipe the slate clean
to face life again in the morning, with a new and refreshed perspective

The ultimate source of strength and motivation
to stay close to the path that is unfolding with each new day

Laying one brick of life experience at a time
creating a firm foundation on which all future dreams will sit

That's real life
That's the future I'm creating

Winds of Change

Tonight I was blessed to share the company
of two of the most amazing women

At the same table, on the same page
sharing smiles, stories, sushi and saki

My satellites are starting to merge
and I feel a love for myself that I have not ever felt before

I am living and loving fearlessly
I am free to be myself and create my future

Sitting in that booth side by side for three hours,
couldn't have felt more right

My sweet South African Angel said,
"this is a great time in both of your lives"

She couldn't be more right

It feels so good to know where I am going
and who I want to go there with

It feels so good to love without expectation
to simply "be" love, without fear of consequence

My prayer is that this peace that I have found
will spill over into every aspect of my life

Creating a sea of love and winds of faith
strong enough to sail me into a future of health and happiness

I Prayed For Clear Signs

He told me, he showed me
I was not evil, crazy, or broken
I was simply.......

Afraid

Thank you Lord for the clarity
Thank you Lord for the peace
Thank you Lord for the long awaited answer

I am now free to create my future
a future that is

Healthy
Happy
Loving
Peaceful
Safe
Enduring
Passionate
Creative
Trusting
Considerate
Confident
Thoughtful
Spiritual
Affectionate
Kind
Exciting
Imaginative

and filled with pets, family of choice, children and grandchildren.

If I Could

I would take every other one

just so she could be free for a time

free from the pain that plagues her

free to do the things that make her happy

such a helpless feeling

not being able to take it all away

nothing to say or do

to make it better for her

she worried that I would grow tired

I'm not tired, I'm thankful

that I can offer my support and take care

she's working so hard, ridding her body of toxins

doing what she needs to do to be healthy

I'm so proud of her

so strong, so determined

I would take every other one

If only I could

No Worries

An old friend
and a glass of wine

A message from
my creator

5 uninterrupted moments
with my favorite girl

A job I love
with wages on which I can live

Firm ground
to stand on

Laughing about laser hair removal
and valley girl dating 101

Love

It's been a good day

It's gonna be a good life

No worries

Being Love

I kind of like the idea
of a clean slate every day

Empty and meaningless she says
no remains of the day before

No brooding or analyzing
no pondering or worrying

What on earth will I do?

It's freeing, I will say that
living in the moment, I'm learning

Cause all we have is now, today
and it's perfect

I'm reading about loving without fear
I'm so afraid to let people love me

In order to not fear love
we have to be love

I like the concept
I can be love, I'm good at that, I love love

I guess I have to be change also
in order not to fear it

Well, I'm being change alright
so many good things going on in my head

Possibilities, endless and infinite
colors, fragrances, lights and sounds

What I want
how I want to make it

I want to be love rich
not house poor

I'm being change
I'm being love
I'm being me
I'm cleaning the slate
starting each day new
today I feel love
today it feels good
for that I am thankful

very, very thankful

I told him

Tonight I told Joe

It seemed like the right time and I think it was

He took it well

He said, "I've pretty much known that my whole life"

I did it

and the world is still spinning on it's axis