Struggling

To struggle by definition:

• make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction
• strive to achieve or attain something in the face of difficulty or resistance
• engage in conflict
• make one's way with difficulty

As cliche' as this may sound
I feel like I have been struggling all my life

Maybe we all are struggling
but I have only lived my own

I signed documents today
that will complete an entire volume of my life

A volume filled with turmoil, scandal, anxiety
fear, uncertainty, tears, insecurity, awakening and growth

Sprinkled throughout were moments of elation and joy
giving birth to and raising my two sons

As I sit here, in the quiet of my new home
I feel so many emotions, I have so many questions

None of which can be answered by anyone else

I have done the very best that I can
I have made hard choices and big decisions

I set a goal of August 1, 2010
and on that night I slept in my new home

I met conflict head on and didn't back down
something I have never, ever done before

I feel proud

I am filled with wonder

Wonder about what the next volume of my life will look like
will all the pieces of the puzzle fit together

I used to feel like my life was scattered, like satellites
it's not anymore, for the most part

I don't really know what to do with that
it has been my existence for as far back as I can remember

One life here, one life there, another over there
it is so quiet now, so very silent

I can hear the traffic on Gandy
the occasional footsteps of my neighbor above

Today I signed the papers

The Most Glorious Gift

What do you say?

When "thank you" isn't enough

When "I love you" doesn't even come close

When there simply are no words

What do you do?

When you can't get close enough

When you can't hug tightly enough

When the time you spend together goes by too fast

You.....

Wake up each morning and revel in the joy of being in a loving relationship

Smile and share kindness because your heart is full but light

Know that the other part of you is never very far away

Keep putting one foot in front of the other on the road to creating your future

But most importantly......

You thank God for blessing you
with the most wonderful and glorious gift
that one person could ask for

Love

Loving Fearlessly

If it's between love and losing
to never have known the feeling
I'd still side with love

And if I end up lonely
at least I'll be there knowing
I believed in love

~Fearless, Colbie Caillat

I'm Free

I did it
I no longer have to live with the stigma
of being the "woman who still lives with her husband"

I don't have to tell my story anymore
I don't have to try to justify or explain
It simply no longer exists

I'm free to be me
to create myself, my life
the way I want it to be

I keep having to fight
to keep myself from feeling guilty
from feeling selfish

I have dreamt of this day
I have envisioned it in terror
and I have envisioned it in bliss

Honestly, so far, it's been both
but I'm out here, standing on my own two feet
and I can do anything I put my mind to

It is such an incredible feeling
I'm free, completely free
and I am ready to create my future

Boxes

I feel like I'm squishing my soul
into a bunch of small boxes.

I just hope that when I open them
it hasn't been damaged.

This is hard.....

A lot harder than I thought it would be.

I just continue to put one foot
in front of the other.

I'm so tired though,
so very tired.

Tears come and go,
small glimmers of excitement.

Questioning myself, my abilities
trying hard to treat myself with kindness.

Fear wanes and sadness swells
as this very large volume of my life
is coming to a close.

No do overs, no encores,
no curtain call, just fade to boxes.

Real Life

It isn't pretty sometimes
and it's not always fun

But if, at the end of the day
you can lay down beside the person
that you most want to share this life with and:

Laugh
Cry
Melt down
Pray
Fall into exhausted sleep
Toss and turn
Make love
Comfort
Eat cheesecake
Share secrets
Argue

Simply to know that your support, your love
will be there laying next to you at the end of the day

Helping to wipe the slate clean
to face life again in the morning, with a new and refreshed perspective

The ultimate source of strength and motivation
to stay close to the path that is unfolding with each new day

Laying one brick of life experience at a time
creating a firm foundation on which all future dreams will sit

That's real life
That's the future I'm creating

Winds of Change

Tonight I was blessed to share the company
of two of the most amazing women

At the same table, on the same page
sharing smiles, stories, sushi and saki

My satellites are starting to merge
and I feel a love for myself that I have not ever felt before

I am living and loving fearlessly
I am free to be myself and create my future

Sitting in that booth side by side for three hours,
couldn't have felt more right

My sweet South African Angel said,
"this is a great time in both of your lives"

She couldn't be more right

It feels so good to know where I am going
and who I want to go there with

It feels so good to love without expectation
to simply "be" love, without fear of consequence

My prayer is that this peace that I have found
will spill over into every aspect of my life

Creating a sea of love and winds of faith
strong enough to sail me into a future of health and happiness

I Prayed For Clear Signs

He told me, he showed me
I was not evil, crazy, or broken
I was simply.......

Afraid

Thank you Lord for the clarity
Thank you Lord for the peace
Thank you Lord for the long awaited answer

I am now free to create my future
a future that is

Healthy
Happy
Loving
Peaceful
Safe
Enduring
Passionate
Creative
Trusting
Considerate
Confident
Thoughtful
Spiritual
Affectionate
Kind
Exciting
Imaginative

and filled with pets, family of choice, children and grandchildren.

If I Could

I would take every other one

just so she could be free for a time

free from the pain that plagues her

free to do the things that make her happy

such a helpless feeling

not being able to take it all away

nothing to say or do

to make it better for her

she worried that I would grow tired

I'm not tired, I'm thankful

that I can offer my support and take care

she's working so hard, ridding her body of toxins

doing what she needs to do to be healthy

I'm so proud of her

so strong, so determined

I would take every other one

If only I could

No Worries

An old friend
and a glass of wine

A message from
my creator

5 uninterrupted moments
with my favorite girl

A job I love
with wages on which I can live

Firm ground
to stand on

Laughing about laser hair removal
and valley girl dating 101

Love

It's been a good day

It's gonna be a good life

No worries

Being Love

I kind of like the idea
of a clean slate every day

Empty and meaningless she says
no remains of the day before

No brooding or analyzing
no pondering or worrying

What on earth will I do?

It's freeing, I will say that
living in the moment, I'm learning

Cause all we have is now, today
and it's perfect

I'm reading about loving without fear
I'm so afraid to let people love me

In order to not fear love
we have to be love

I like the concept
I can be love, I'm good at that, I love love

I guess I have to be change also
in order not to fear it

Well, I'm being change alright
so many good things going on in my head

Possibilities, endless and infinite
colors, fragrances, lights and sounds

What I want
how I want to make it

I want to be love rich
not house poor

I'm being change
I'm being love
I'm being me
I'm cleaning the slate
starting each day new
today I feel love
today it feels good
for that I am thankful

very, very thankful

I told him

Tonight I told Joe

It seemed like the right time and I think it was

He took it well

He said, "I've pretty much known that my whole life"

I did it

and the world is still spinning on it's axis

Maggie Bean

My girl

her love is unconditional

I drag her from place to place

and it's still me she loves

I will find a place where we can be us

where she will bark to let me know someone is there

my cuddly little security system

my sweet spotted bundle of smiles

she makes me laugh

she's made me cry

she ran my first miles with me

she's made me so angry

she's made me so happy

she's a part of my soul

I knew her before her nose was black

I knew her before she had spots on her back

I will provide her home, I will provide her love, I will provide her care

she's my Maggie Bean

I'm Done

It has been so many years

years filled with trying and fake smiles

pretend hugs and empty promises

"we'll get together soon"

an end to that, starts today

I will not be a slave to manipulation

I will not fall prey to passive aggressive bullshit

I would rather have no one in my life

than deal with the gut wrenching antics

of the clown car clan

smoke and mirrors, it has been said before

bait and switch is more like it

"closed up" you say, I'm so tightly closed

I challenge you to deal with these people

and emerge unscathed, it won't happen

holidays, no more pretending

no more cooking all day and cleaning all night

while everyone smokes cigarettes on the back porch

and then talks about you the whole next day

no more, I'm done

you want goodbye

you got it

My Sweetest One Girl

You are so very special to me.

Someday soon, it will be me at your door.

A Smile and Kindness To Share

Sometimes when I feel down
and sorry for myself
God shows me something that I very much need to see

I know this girl, woman actually
I work with her
she is always smiling, always has a kind word

I got to chatting with her today in the lunch line
she went through a divorce about three years ago
her one bit of advice to me......

Don't sell out, Don't sell yourself short
She said, "I did and it's the biggest regret I have"

Wow, now there's a message, because I was about to do just that
I was about to roll over and play dead simply because I didn't want the fight

We continued to talk and I told her that I was seeing a counselor
and that the counselor had said to try not to let the whole
process affect my self confidence.....She said, "good luck with that"

The day progressed and through some incidental conversation
I learned that she had not only been divorced 3 years ago
but she had also lost her 6 month old baby girl to illness

This girl, gets herself up every day and comes to work
with a smile on her face and kindness to share
she lost her whole world, for crying out loud

You are so right God, I CAN get through this
and come out on the other side
with a smile and kindness to share

She Says I'm Amazing

I didn't feel amazing when she said it
so I asked her to clarify

To my astonishment she began
spouting off an objective list

I listened intently as tears
welled up in my eyes

I realized at that moment
that I am indeed an amazing woman

Satellites

I'm planning my commencement journey
a little bit at a time

But the fact that I'm planning and not ignoring
is a really huge step for me

Things are hard for me right now
I get lonely, in a house full of people

I do have periods of extreme happiness and joy
that interlace the tough times

But the poles are very very extreme
that's not easy for me today

It kind of reminds me of a contrast bath
being alternately dipped in freezing cold and then very hot water

It feels like I'm swimming in Jello (thanks Kelly)
that explains it all so well

I feel a little displaced no matter where I go
except for work I guess

I travel from place to place to try and have a life
but still be able to fulfill my commitments
(I'm not even sure I know what those are anymore)

I feel like there are bits and pieces of my life
all over the place

Little satellites hovering around
some having absolutely nothing to do with the other

I go to graduation,
she goes to Spring Hill

Georgia, Shaffer they don't have faces, because I can't go there
my kids don't yet know how wonderful she is

To my work friends, she can't have a personal face
I get that, I get it, but it still isn't easy

I love her mom, she doesn't know my dad
I need to create the possibility of her getting to know my dad

I need to create the possibility of her getting to know the boys
it's just hard to know when might be the right time

My existence with Ray
My dad and the boys
My mother, sister, grandparents
My friends
Her and her mom
Her friends
Her friends that I can't know
Places that I can't go
A new home awaits and I need to give up my consistent companion

Sometimes, late nights at 911
the satellites disappear for a time

Only to return
on the long ride home

So many satellites

My prayer, is that someday soon all my satellites will align
and ultimately merge into one peaceful, harmonious existence

My fear, is that they never will

Our Proudest Day