I Heart Team Fusion

She Knows

Standing in lines, taking in sights
assessing showtime together
because we know about showtime

Asking, "how's your head?"
saying, "you need to drink!"
because we know about migraines and the heat strokes

Laughter re-assuring
but comfort in silence too
because we are learning about easy

Studying maps both indoors and out
finding all the right places
because we are learning about pleasure

The perfect birthday weekend
feeling like a princess
because she knows thoughtful and kind

Disney Birthday Magic

I Am Not Alone In This World

There's a gentle tapping on the inside of my wrist that helps me to remember.

50 Years in the Pharmacy

Blooming and growing
ebbing and flowing
along life's trodden path

Washing and shedding
demons and heading
toward a light shining brightly at last

Giving and taking
sleeping then waking
to drink in another day

of

Laughing and crying
loving and trying
to learn each others ways

Silence and talking
running then walking
on our journey to create

Lasting and certain
strong and enduring
life, love, work and play

Kimpossible

"I recognize that building, but it's usually on the other side of the street"

Confidence

I'm kind of curious
about what makes someone
feel confident one day
and not so confident the next

Could it be that last night I learned
yet again that my own mother bad mouths
me to anyone who will listen

I guess that's why I never aspired
to have a high powered career
where I had to dazzle em' every day

Be at the top of my game
no matter what was going on behind the scenes of my life

When your own mother doesn't have a kind word to say about you
it's hard to stand up in front of a crowd and feel like a million bucks

I simply don't feel confident today
and apparently I'm not a very good actress either

So if that means I won't be the CEO of a big hospital
or even the coordinator of anything, I'm OK with that

I just gotta be me
whatever and however that may be
on any given day

It's all I got

Team Fusion

Fusion: the process or result of joining two or more things together to form a single entity

My very first 5k run
a swim, bike, run
with some very amazing women

I stepped outside my comfort zone
way outside my comfort zone
and I'm proud of myself

I ran it in 39 minutes
my best time ever
my goal was simply to finish

I learned that my personal best
coupled with my team mate's personal bests
makes for a strong, solid finish

I'm wondering if this might hold true
for creating an enduring relationship

With each person working toward
their own personal best
to contribute to the relationship

No one person's identity gets lost
the relationship remains strong
making for a strong, solid foundation

Just some thoughts on Fusion

Fishing Follies

Yes shrimp need water, besides the water they're already in.

Shrimp will "whip" ya, and even make you bleed, remember that the next time you call somebody a shrimp.

If you can see em' they're probably not "no see em's."

Hopping the dog was every bit as effective as walking the dog.

Dog Fish have teeth and apparently hang out in the red light district. (Maybe looking to pick up a Lady Fish)

Never tie the bait bucket around your waist and dance around on the edge of the seawall.

Never grab a lantern by the flame (that would be your brain on drugs, any questions?)

An unproductive night of fishing full of laughter and friends is every bit as rewarding as a stringer full of fish.

The Weather and Forever

Heat

Plans

Unfiltered

Insight

Growth

Trust

Possibilities

Family

Cleanliness

Patience

Princess

Tolerance

Kindness

Fairy Tales

Messy

Structure

Fire Drill

More Heat

Mexico

Vegas

Amazing

Wanting

Finding

Waiting

Barriers

Comfort

Getting It

Future

Working

Sharing

Still More Heat

Communication

Learning

Understanding

Yearning

Merging

Authentic

Peaceful

Strong

So Very Hot

The Risk

I don't pretend to know everything

In fact, some days I feel like I know nothing

But I do know that I am learning to trust

and

I am learning to identify my "stuff"

I want to be loved
but just as important, I want to love

I want to be cared for
but just as important, I want to take care

No, my life hasn't been easy
but neither has yours

Yes, I have hurt and been hurt
but so have you

I'm scared
but is life worth living if you always play it safe

The sea breeze, the sweat, the salt
the heat, the curtains blowing in the wind

The glow of passing headlights on the wall
the clanging sounds of sail boats docked securely in the wind

Exhausted rest after a wonderful day of sun and smiles

Respect, honesty, tenderness, so much said with so few words

That's the stuff that makes life worth

the

risk

Possibility

Embarking on a journey
building trust over dinner and time

The newness glistens with possibility
as clouds of comfort begin to surround us

Time stands still, the world fades away
as we share intimacies reserved only for those most trusted

Fear begins to wane
giving rise to tiny buds of passion

Buds to be cherished and cultivated
in hopes of a blossom most spectacular

Stuff

I am continually learning
living this life God so graciously laid out for me

"Baggage" isn't just a word
that people use to describe the past

It's real, it's powerful stuff
and that powerful stuff has a voice

It's like a prerecorded message that plays in your head
when the person you are calling doesn't pick up the phone

"No one is home right now and even if they were,
why would they want to talk to your insignificant ass?"

Your feelings get hurt, and you even get aggravated with them
when the poor unsuspecting soul was simply vacuuming the carpet

So you get all emotional, listening to these voices
and it creates tension, unrest and maybe even an argument

Over what? Your stuff.

A scenario, in your head
that was created for you, by you,
as a result of your past experiences

It's Just Me

I think I've forgotten how to be in a relationship
I think I've forgotten how to simply be me

I've been lost in grief for so long now
I don't really know how to do anything else

Someone recently said to me
"Life is short and then they throw dirt in your face"

Morbid but true

This space I'm in right now
Just me

Feels like exactly where I need to be

It feels lonely and scary
uncertain and unplanned

But it's exactly what I need

I need to remember what it feels like to be me
to experience life on my own

To find my own way without looking back
for the security or approval of another

I've never, ever been good at being alone

I feel like if I'm going to learn anything or
grow at all from this divorce and subsequent move

I need to learn how to be alone

Not alone without friends, people I care about
and people that I know care about me

But alone with myself, in charge of myself
and my own happiness

Just like financial security and independence
I need to know that I have personal independence as well

If the bottom falls out of a relationship in the future
and I find myself alone

I need to know that I can pick up the pieces
and move forward

Without having to run into the arms of the next
person that walks into my life

Am I attracted to someone? No

If she called tomorrow would I go back? No

It's just me right now
I'm having a relationship with myself

I'm learning how to make new friends

Forcing myself to be in uncomfortable situations

Learning how to adapt and not be so regimented with my thoughts and feelings

I have realized what someone has been trying to tell me
for quite some time now

I have closed myself off
very tightly and securely
from everything and everyone

I need to sort out why

To be the best I can be for me
and hopefully, eventually in a relationship again

But for right now, it's just me

My Best Girl

Unsteady

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on such uncertain ground
at any moment the earth under my feet will crumble and turn to rubble

Sending me tumbling and sliding down a steep cliff
bumping rocks and limbs as I fall

Everything is so uncertain and volatile
like an unstable volcano or walking on a land mine

Just as I pick up speed and feel like I'm making forward progress
either the ground breaks or an explosion sends me airborne

I need calm, quiet, stable ground
I crave to know that my next step will support me

My body pulses with tension awaiting the next
meltdown, freak out, pseudo catastrophe, or confrontation

Never knowing from which direction it will come
I stand on high alert, afraid to let my guard down for a second

"I'm sorry" doesn't seem to assuage the affect
Although most of the time there is no "I'm sorry" anyway

This teetering piece of earth on which I currently reside
is no less appealing than any other direction in which I may turn

Now you see me

Now you don't

Random Pics

Sadness

washes over me
for days on end

it feels like I'm wearing
a heavy jacket filled with lead

it weighs me down
makes it such an effort to move

to walk, to talk, to feel
to blink, to think

it hurts as bad as a toothache
relentless and throbbing

it washes the color out of life
no reds, yellows, pinks or blues

just shades and shards of gray
faded, heavy and dull

a breath of air feels stale and thick
my eyes struggle against the weight of gravity

I can't will it away
no matter how hard I try

I count my blessings
again, and again

when it settles in
it just won't go

until it's ready

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”

~C.S. Lewis

2010

So thankful for a new year
and the passage of time that it brings

Not to wish my life away
but to heal and reflect and grow

Reflections of happy times
and happier times yet to be

Still hesitant to love
in an effort to understand myself more first

Anticipating independence
although now I realize that one can be independent but not alone

A product of "black and white thinking"
I still struggle with these concepts

I no longer feel angry or afraid but excited
about the possibilities laid out before me

A home of my own, wherever that may be
but never far from my babes

I have spent much time overwhelmed while raising them
but they have turned out so wonderfully despite that

They are the one love that I truly understand
they are part of me, the one being I struggle so to know

I let them be who they are, loving and free to experience and be
I wonder why can't I hold the same truths for myself