The Weather and Forever

Heat

Plans

Unfiltered

Insight

Growth

Trust

Possibilities

Family

Cleanliness

Patience

Princess

Tolerance

Kindness

Fairy Tales

Messy

Structure

Fire Drill

More Heat

Mexico

Vegas

Amazing

Wanting

Finding

Waiting

Barriers

Comfort

Getting It

Future

Working

Sharing

Still More Heat

Communication

Learning

Understanding

Yearning

Merging

Authentic

Peaceful

Strong

So Very Hot

The Risk

I don't pretend to know everything

In fact, some days I feel like I know nothing

But I do know that I am learning to trust

and

I am learning to identify my "stuff"

I want to be loved
but just as important, I want to love

I want to be cared for
but just as important, I want to take care

No, my life hasn't been easy
but neither has yours

Yes, I have hurt and been hurt
but so have you

I'm scared
but is life worth living if you always play it safe

The sea breeze, the sweat, the salt
the heat, the curtains blowing in the wind

The glow of passing headlights on the wall
the clanging sounds of sail boats docked securely in the wind

Exhausted rest after a wonderful day of sun and smiles

Respect, honesty, tenderness, so much said with so few words

That's the stuff that makes life worth

the

risk

Possibility

Embarking on a journey
building trust over dinner and time

The newness glistens with possibility
as clouds of comfort begin to surround us

Time stands still, the world fades away
as we share intimacies reserved only for those most trusted

Fear begins to wane
giving rise to tiny buds of passion

Buds to be cherished and cultivated
in hopes of a blossom most spectacular

Stuff

I am continually learning
living this life God so graciously laid out for me

"Baggage" isn't just a word
that people use to describe the past

It's real, it's powerful stuff
and that powerful stuff has a voice

It's like a prerecorded message that plays in your head
when the person you are calling doesn't pick up the phone

"No one is home right now and even if they were,
why would they want to talk to your insignificant ass?"

Your feelings get hurt, and you even get aggravated with them
when the poor unsuspecting soul was simply vacuuming the carpet

So you get all emotional, listening to these voices
and it creates tension, unrest and maybe even an argument

Over what? Your stuff.

A scenario, in your head
that was created for you, by you,
as a result of your past experiences

It's Just Me

I think I've forgotten how to be in a relationship
I think I've forgotten how to simply be me

I've been lost in grief for so long now
I don't really know how to do anything else

Someone recently said to me
"Life is short and then they throw dirt in your face"

Morbid but true

This space I'm in right now
Just me

Feels like exactly where I need to be

It feels lonely and scary
uncertain and unplanned

But it's exactly what I need

I need to remember what it feels like to be me
to experience life on my own

To find my own way without looking back
for the security or approval of another

I've never, ever been good at being alone

I feel like if I'm going to learn anything or
grow at all from this divorce and subsequent move

I need to learn how to be alone

Not alone without friends, people I care about
and people that I know care about me

But alone with myself, in charge of myself
and my own happiness

Just like financial security and independence
I need to know that I have personal independence as well

If the bottom falls out of a relationship in the future
and I find myself alone

I need to know that I can pick up the pieces
and move forward

Without having to run into the arms of the next
person that walks into my life

Am I attracted to someone? No

If she called tomorrow would I go back? No

It's just me right now
I'm having a relationship with myself

I'm learning how to make new friends

Forcing myself to be in uncomfortable situations

Learning how to adapt and not be so regimented with my thoughts and feelings

I have realized what someone has been trying to tell me
for quite some time now

I have closed myself off
very tightly and securely
from everything and everyone

I need to sort out why

To be the best I can be for me
and hopefully, eventually in a relationship again

But for right now, it's just me

My Best Girl

Unsteady

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on such uncertain ground
at any moment the earth under my feet will crumble and turn to rubble

Sending me tumbling and sliding down a steep cliff
bumping rocks and limbs as I fall

Everything is so uncertain and volatile
like an unstable volcano or walking on a land mine

Just as I pick up speed and feel like I'm making forward progress
either the ground breaks or an explosion sends me airborne

I need calm, quiet, stable ground
I crave to know that my next step will support me

My body pulses with tension awaiting the next
meltdown, freak out, pseudo catastrophe, or confrontation

Never knowing from which direction it will come
I stand on high alert, afraid to let my guard down for a second

"I'm sorry" doesn't seem to assuage the affect
Although most of the time there is no "I'm sorry" anyway

This teetering piece of earth on which I currently reside
is no less appealing than any other direction in which I may turn

Now you see me

Now you don't

Random Pics

Sadness

washes over me
for days on end

it feels like I'm wearing
a heavy jacket filled with lead

it weighs me down
makes it such an effort to move

to walk, to talk, to feel
to blink, to think

it hurts as bad as a toothache
relentless and throbbing

it washes the color out of life
no reds, yellows, pinks or blues

just shades and shards of gray
faded, heavy and dull

a breath of air feels stale and thick
my eyes struggle against the weight of gravity

I can't will it away
no matter how hard I try

I count my blessings
again, and again

when it settles in
it just won't go

until it's ready

“Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”

~C.S. Lewis

2010

So thankful for a new year
and the passage of time that it brings

Not to wish my life away
but to heal and reflect and grow

Reflections of happy times
and happier times yet to be

Still hesitant to love
in an effort to understand myself more first

Anticipating independence
although now I realize that one can be independent but not alone

A product of "black and white thinking"
I still struggle with these concepts

I no longer feel angry or afraid but excited
about the possibilities laid out before me

A home of my own, wherever that may be
but never far from my babes

I have spent much time overwhelmed while raising them
but they have turned out so wonderfully despite that

They are the one love that I truly understand
they are part of me, the one being I struggle so to know

I let them be who they are, loving and free to experience and be
I wonder why can't I hold the same truths for myself

Wisdom

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters,
Who never did,
Who doesn't anymore,
Who always will.

Don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it into your future.

Too High A Price

Some prices are just too high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart.

-Lois McMaster Bujold

Embracing Change on Thanksgiving

On this Thanksgiving day
I would like to remind myself

To embrace all of the people
and all of the circumstances past and present

That have helped to shape my life
into what it is today

Albeit unfinished - a work in progress
I am the epitome of good intention and love

My life has been full of ups and downs
but key to remember is it has been very full

While it is very different now
and will be very different years from now

I am and forever will be
thankful for all of the wonderful blessings

That God has bestowed upon me

Creative Writing

Growing restless, the skeletons in her closet paired hockey jerseys with bowling shoes and paraded through her flower beds.

The waves, white with fury, raced to the seawall each leap frogging the next as if the winner would be crowned price of the tide.

Quite Simply, Someone

Someone who ignores me
when they know I am wrought with guilt and sorrow

Someone who would rather prove a point
than to show compassion to one they supposedly loved

Someone who tells me that I can't be alone
then frantically searches for someone to move in with

Someone who robotically does things for others
for the sake of appearing saintly

Someone who repossess my computer
because I am struggling to pay the bill

Someone who can't muster up a kind word to say
when I am crying on the other end of the phone

Someone who holds a grudge
refusing to see that people are human

Someone who never knew me at all

Someone who told me what I wanted to hear

Someone controlling and manipulative

Someone who will probably never have regrets
because they don't care enough to

Someone who needs their life to look a certain way
and quite simply liked the way it looked with me in it

Someone who I was destined to walk away from

A wolf in sheep's clothing
slowly becoming just a bad memory

22 years

I was married 22 years ago today
I don't even know what marriage is

What it means to be married
what if feels like to be married

Interesting really
but more sad than anything else

I was so young when I got married
I remember thinking how cool it would be

Kind of like having a friend sleep over every night
sounds immature, but that is really what I thought

That's because I was immature
just a little girl actually

I do feel proud in some respects though
because each and every thing that I have leaned about life

I have had to teach myself

I didn't have a lot of life experience
and in a lot of respects I still don't

I'm still the scared girl who was too frightened
to tell her parents that she had changed her mind

That she didn't want to marry this man after all
because they had already spent so much money on the wedding

Little did I know they would have been more than happy
to call it all off and keep me at home for another few years

I am so thankful for my two boys,
extensions of my heart and soul

I wouldn't trade them for the world

I can only hope that they are braver than I
and make better choices than I did

Fear has dictated so much of my life
I don't even really know where to go from here

I have pushed people away that loved me
I have lost opportunities all because I was scared

Scared to walk away from what I have known for 22 years
even though it wasn't happiness

There have been many people down there
holding nets, promising to catch me when I fall

I just couldn't trust them
I was paralyzed by my fear

Honestly, I don't know who I am anymore
don't know where I belong

I feel like I've been renting all these years
too afraid to buy

I'm reaching the end now
the end of my excuses, deadlines, and reasons to stay

I've been emotionally gone for so long now
I don't know if I have anything left to invest

I'm sad, 22 years is so long
but I have been here for my boys

Watching them grow from boys into young men
I'm so very proud of them

I'm proud of my accomplishments too
I have my degree, my license, another degree in the works

I'm just tired now,
the thought of building a new life exhausts me

I will go though

I will go

Something Good

Dinner with a new friend
in a Soho cafe

Rain drops beating on the window
as I realize yet again, I am human

Talk about work
talk about life

Perfect families a facade
we're all just doing the best we can

I thought something good might happen today
and it did

Middle Age - Not For Sissies

I have never done, said
so many things that I regret

Raging anger swells inside me
that is very difficult to harness

Always good at controlling myself
now I fight the grinding halt of the brakes

Little patience for people, circumstance
when I myself am prone to the same behaviors

Every day a different mood
the one constant is fatigue

My feelings, thoughts escape my mouth
before I have had time to edit them

Leaving me back peddling
for damage control

Feeling afraid, insecure, confused
is so unbecoming

I'm sure it's not always as bad as this
but I feel middle age creeping up on me

I hope it doesn't get any worse
maybe the Salsa dance lessons will help

Quote

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post."

~L. Thomas Holdcroft