Middle Age - Not For Sissies

I have never done, said
so many things that I regret

Raging anger swells inside me
that is very difficult to harness

Always good at controlling myself
now I fight the grinding halt of the brakes

Little patience for people, circumstance
when I myself am prone to the same behaviors

Every day a different mood
the one constant is fatigue

My feelings, thoughts escape my mouth
before I have had time to edit them

Leaving me back peddling
for damage control

Feeling afraid, insecure, confused
is so unbecoming

I'm sure it's not always as bad as this
but I feel middle age creeping up on me

I hope it doesn't get any worse
maybe the Salsa dance lessons will help

Quote

"The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post."

~L. Thomas Holdcroft

Love Does Die

I recently looked at a photograph of an old lover
something that, until recently, was very difficult.

Simply looking at a picture would dredge up painful emotion,
a response, I was certain, would never, ever go away.

I thought I would never be free from what felt like a paralyzing hold.

As I sat and looked at the photo, I was relieved to find
that I don't even know that person anymore.

I saw a person that I used to know, used to respect, used to love.
Now, not the slightest feeling of love - present or future.

I felt empowered, thankful and sad all at the same time.

Empowered because I have finally let go and moved on.

Thankful because God heard and answered my prayers.

Sad because I realized at that moment - love does die.

Creative Writing Assignment Two - Intro Redux

For my entire adult life people have been telling me that I take myself too seriously. My response always started with a giggle and then I would insist, “I do not!” I’m actually one of the silliest people I know. However, as I sat down to write my introduction, I realize that I get very serious when I am charged with the task of telling my own story or introducing myself. So, to all of my friends who have told me over the years that I take myself too seriously, you were right, I do. But now, on a serious note, just not too serious, I will introduce myself to you. My name is Kimberly Roderick and I was born and raised in Tampa, Florida. I just celebrated my 42nd birthday in May. Looking back over my life I have realized that not only do I take myself too seriously, apparently I’m not a big fan of change and there is some odd recurrence of the number four in my past. I have lived at only four residences during my entire life, I have had a total of four serious relationships, and I have worked at four long term jobs. Wow, that’s weird. I have two wonderful teenage boys named Joseph and Scott who keep my life very interesting and also keep me from making a fool of myself by insisting that I do not dance or sing, period. I went back school at 29 to obtain my Associates in Science degree and I have worked as a Physical Therapist Assistant for the past ten years. I am currently seeking my Bachelors degree in Health Services Administration. I enjoy long walks on the beach, reading, writing, word games, music, fishing, computers and anything that provides my mind with a challenge. Until I started this class, I was in a bit of a mid-life funk and was having a hard time setting new goals for myself. Obviously getting my Bachelors Degree is one of my goals, but I have also decided that I would like to get published on a small scale and then possibly go on to write a novel. I’m not getting older, I’m getting better.

Creative Writing Assignment One - Journal 1

She grasped the stopwatch so hard that her knuckles were white and tingling as she stood in front of “The Venue.” This used to be her favorite place to relax, party, and just hang out with the people she once considered her friends. “Tonight won’t be relaxing or festive, but hopefully it will be therapeutic,” she thought to herself as she pressed the start button on her stopwatch with one hand and slowly opened the door to “The Venue” with the other. Standing tentatively inside the entrance her eyes began to adjust to the light as she struggled to maintain her composure. Finally looking up, her steel blue eyes scanned the room discreetly but frantically in search of every exit sign.  Intent on ordering a drink, she set out on the seemingly mile long trek across the room. Her posture, a picture of perfection, as her Stilettos carried her across the room with the purposeful stride of a confident woman, the result of her many years walking down catwalks and runways.  Heads turned in rapid succession, indulging in her exquisiteness as she passed. The season’s top fashion adorned her 6’2 frame, cascading strawberry blonde locks bounced perfectly in time over her slender shoulders with every stride. It was this attention that used to fuel her, adoration that she craved, now it served only as a source of terror and dread.  She could hear her rapid heartbeat pounding as loud as a kettle drum in her ears and she felt as though her eyes were pulsing with each beat. Her perfectly manicured hands fumbled awkwardly through her purse, in search of her wallet.  She wasn't accustomed to paying for her own drinks but she didn't have the stomach to sit and make eye contact with anyone, not here, not anywhere, since July 15, 1994 at 3:53 pm. She longed for the familiar warmth and sea of smiles at “Tappers,” her favorite watering hole back home, in Oklahoma, but that was thousands of miles from here. Her only comfort tonight was the stop watch ticking away the seconds in her pocket.  Her counselor said thirty minutes in a crowded, public place.  She could do this, she could do anything, for thirty minutes.

Time

brings things into focus

truly does heal all

allows you to forget

helps you to remember

urges you to explore the options

nudges you into new opportunities

is fertilizer for growth

smooths out the rough edges

polishes the stone

turns pain into prosperity

weathers woes

forces change

is perpetual motion

is illusive

is uncertain

is fixed, measured, and definitive

is later, yesterday, and today

is ticking, up, and now

is time

Another Wonderful Quote

Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

~Mark Twain

A Wonderful Quote

What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.

~Albert Pine

Grasshoppers, Crickets, and Katydids, Oh My!!!

Such a wonderful trip!! The IP truly was a Palace fit for two Queens!!!







What a better way to start the trip than to see Melissa and her larger than life presence. It was an awesome show me and my two favorite girls!!



I am counting the days until we go back to New Orleans!!! What an incredible place, so rich with history and amazing food. I think the next time I go back to Bourbon Street I'll need to have a few Bourbon's first (maybe that's why they call it that). Can you say OVER STIMULATING!!! Amazing music though!!! From Aretha Franklin style bar singers to men playing 5 gallon bait buckets on the sidewalk, it's rocking!! I can see why you find it so intriguing Jac!!









The food was FABULOUS!!! We had Seafood Gumbo, Crawfish Etouffee, and Fried Oysters mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!





In New Orleans they put some SERIOUS seafood in their Gumbo!!



No trip to the Big Easy would be complete without Beignets and Cafe' Au Lait at Cafe Du Monde.

Someone to Find Me

Have you ever lost someone
in a big department store or theme park

You venture out and look around occasionally
but you always keep coming back to the last place you saw them
in hopes that the person will return and find you waiting there

Paralyzed by the thought of moving too far away from that place
fearful of never being found as you wait

I lost someone, over a year ago
and I have been returning to the same figurative place
over and over, just in case they wanted to come back and find me

I've been afraid to move too far away from this place
afraid to live, afraid to love or to let myself experience love

Terrified to do anything, say anything, be anything
that may make me different somehow
so they may not be able to, or even want to find me again

I have realized now, that in this process of waiting
and returning to this place time and time again
I have come to depend on myself for solace

I have faced my emotions and fears head on
I am stronger, whole and capable of wandering away from this place

As I walk away, and turn to look back one last time
I realize that the person who most needed to find me

Was
Me

Already Gone

Just remember this, my girl, when you look up in the sky
You can see the stars and still not see the light

~Eagles

In God's Pocket

Again, I pick myself up and dust myself off

Each time seems to be more difficult than the last
the cuts get deeper, the scars more visible, wounds slower to heal

This WILL be the last time, I will NOT have to pick myself up again
because of this, because of her, because it never really mattered anyway

Protecting myself, my health, my emotional well being
must be my number one priority

No more trying to convey my sorrow
no more letting it eat me up, from the inside out

I will take my bag packed full of lessons
and move forward now, looking back only when it's safe again

I don't know when that will be, if ever
but for now, I need only look forward anyway

I am stronger, less self absorbed, but more self caring
it's my truest self that I must long for, no one else

Someone so very dear to my heart and soul
recently gave me a book of Answered Prayers

"Allow me to risk while I protect your heart. I am large enough for you to be small. Picture this. There is a pocket above my heart. It is there that I carry you. You are safe."

I love this quote, I can picture myself there, in God's pocket
such a wonderfully comforting image.

My Best Girl

One Of These Days

I'm going to sit down and write and write and just let everything flow out of me like water pushing against a dam that has just been broken.

Right now I simply have to hold it all back. I don't know why but it just wouldn't flow even if the dam were to break.

It simply will not come. It will not flow, it just trickles.

I do believe that my inner passion manifests itself in two forms, love and writing. I am truly having difficulty giving freely of either right now and I wish I knew why.

My guess is that I have injured myself and it will just take some time for the healing process to complete itself.

For now, I find comfort in reading the words of others. I read and read, soaking up quotes and books. I enjoy spending time alone more than I ever used to. Maybe this is just a solstice in preparation for a really big creative purge.

A glorious time when I can embrace life, write and passionately love myself, so as to authentically give these gifts to another.

Thought Provoking

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was, at its best, than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

~Margaret Mitchell

God I Wish I Could Dance

What a wonderful gift
to be able to express
passion in such a beautiful
art form

I feel that passion
stirring inside my soul

To live a life
without being able
to express that passion

Is living absolutely
no life at all

Looking forward to,
"So You Think You Can Write"

Wreck of the Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

The Long Way Around

Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Takin' the long way around

~The Dixie Chicks

The Best Birthday Ever

His Navy Dog Tag to keep forever
Him to squeeze on number 42
My PaPa

A World Inside A World

Many times each day, I step out of my world
and cross the threshold into the world of another

Someone who's world has been displaced for a time
by a planned surgery, a serious accident, or a crippling illness

I become part of their world by default, a lotto of sorts
I may see them once or twice and then never see them again

But each and every time I turn to recross that threshold
my hope is that I have left their world just a little brighter
than it was before I walked in