Christmas Love

Love is Everything - Jane Siberry

maybe it was to learn how to love
maybe it was to learn how to leave
maybe it was for the games
we played
maybe it was to learn how to choose
maybe it was to learn how to lose
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love made sweet and sad the same
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait 'til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving

maybe it was to learn how to fight
maybe it was for the lesson in pride
maybe it was the cowboys' ways
maybe it was to learn not to lie
maybe it was to learn how to cry
maybe it was for the love we made

love is everything they said it would be
love did not hold back the reins
but love forgot to make me too blind to see
you're chickening out aren't you?
you're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
i can't wait til you make the whole kingdom come
so i'm leaving

*first she turns to you*
*then she turns to her*
*so you try to hurt her back*
*but it breaks your body down*
*so you try to love bigger*
*bigger still*
*but it...it's too late*

so take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
and know you'll never be the same
and find it in your heart to kneel down and say
i gave my love didn't i?
and i gave it big...sometimes
and i gave it in my own sweet time
i'm just leaving

*love is everything*

Today I Am Most Thankful For

My faith

My family

My friends

Inner peace

A wonderful job

Good food prepared by and for the people I love

Warmth

Comfort

Health

Happiness

The angels among us

~I will try hard not to take these things for granted as I enjoy this, my very favorite holiday.

Open Casting Call - Revisited

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Fumbling Toward Acceptance

It hasn't been pretty
and some of my finer moments
have not shown through

I will accept that, however
given the nature of the circumstances
humans do not function at their best when their hearts are breaking

I have been fooling myself
with my eyes wide shut
there have been no illusions here

I have simply focused only on what I wanted to see
blocked out what I didn't
and hoped for what I foolishly thought would be a miracle

I'm not sure whether going through something like this
dramatically changes someone for the good or the bad
or if traits that were always there become more apparent during the fall out

I will probably never know, but either way
once endured, this pain cannot be stricken from memory
scars remain etched like tattoos on the heart, soul and mind

An emotional sword wielded inflicts wounds
every bit as severe as a sword made of steel
tears shed, no blood, but every bit as painful and damaging

I'm tired now, weary and my judgment is waning
I'm hearing things in your voice that simply aren't there
I'm grasping for hope in the most insignificant of gestures

Dignity, self respect and loyalty to ones own self worth
to lose sight of these would mean dying a long, slow, painful death
I must do everything in my power to preserve them

I will never be able to walk among your peers
without knowing that I have been harshly judged and sentenced
by many of whom are guilty of the same, or worse, offenses

I am struggling to go back to a home from which I have been banished
comfort no longer resides there, compassion and love, luxuries of the past
just a pile of burning rubble and shards of glass lay where it used to stand

I must pack up the memories that for now are too painful to recall
everything else I will dispose of or have melded into something new
to symbolize my long awaited acceptance

Greater Ways

I am finding
there are far greater ways
to hurt someone and
damage a relationship
than having an affair

It certainly does have
a more dramatic flare
to say "she cheated on me!!!"
it will definitely summon
a greater number of supporters

Maybe it's those supporters
who lead you to believe
that I have no worth
that my feelings don't matter
that you don't owe me anything

If that's the case
I am truly sorry
for a life of anger and bitterness
is a fate worse than death

My pain will subside and I will move on
I am sad though because these recent memories
are tainting any good memories
that I had of the past 10 years

I don't even know you anymore
I'm sure it wasn't just the affair
that caused this shift in your personality
I've sensed it was there all along

So Funnyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The Presents of Me

Running on a hillside
she and me

Basking in the sunlight
happy and free

No worries, no sadness
just beauty for miles

Warmth and love
giggles and smiles

Flowers of every color and size
on a canvas of green and blue

Dew drops on grass blades
cast prisms of light

Shimmering, glittering
bouncing and bright

Dancing and singing
whirling and twirl

Just me and this magical
whimsical girl

She's happy and brilliant
mysterious and fun

She's creative and caring
considers everyone

At times I lose sight of
her goodness so rare

I must cherish her, keep her
in good loving care

A soul so well meaning
a heart of pure gold

So eager to share
the gifts she beholds

I steady my focus, her image I see
I'm warmed by her presence

The presents of me

Destination Unknown

I recently read a quote
~I really love to read quotes

It read:
"Life is the journey, not the destination"

Since the day I entered this world
I have been in a hurry

As a newborn I had to stay in the hospital
because I tried to finish my bottle all in one gulp

Today, I still eat very fast
seldom taking time enjoy the taste of what I'm eating

I'm finding that I live my life
very much in the same way

Darting from destination to destination
never taking time to enjoy the journey

I've always feared and hated change
maybe I figure the quicker I get where I'm going

The less likely it will be
that I will have to deal with detours in my path

Maybe it's the safety I crave
I feel vulnerable on a journey, less so at a destination

However there is a certain impulsiveness
that comes from being afraid of the journey

If I quickly rush from "here" to "there"
I can spare myself any pain that the journey may afford

There is also a restlessness that comes
from avoiding the journey, missing out on life's experiences

I have at times become obsessive about a destination
causing myself to loose sight of the journey completely

Looking back this has many times been the case
in some of the bad decisions I have made

I have been blessed with the insight
and the wisdom to learn this about myself

Now it's up to me to slow down and walk along side myself
with no preconceived idea or plan

Just me, living for the moment
learning to comfort myself, reveling in my journey

Destination Unknown

21 Years Ago Today

I got married..............Damn

Thoughts on Contempt

Contempt Defined - the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.
To hold someone in contempt is to consider them to be unworthy of respect.

Quotes on Contempt

“Contempt is the weapon of the weak and a defense against one's own despised and unwanted feelings.” ~Ann Miller, American writer

“Wrongs are often forgiven; contempt never” ~ Lord Chesterfield, British statesman

What Really Matters

Yesterday I was treating a 40 year old woman diagnosed with cervical cancer that had metastasized to her bowl and bladder. After a total hysterectomy, removal of a section of her bowel and her bladder, I stood and watched as she pushed through her emotional and physical pain, simply because she wanted to see her kids grow up.

At that very moment I realized that none of this matters at all. This is just a small bump in my road, not a major life altering event.

Today, I thank God, set down another heavy pack and continue on my journey. For now, I am blessed with health. I am good, well meaning, kind and I am worthy of all these things abundantly in return. Life is just too short.

I'm Alive

The problem with keeping yourself
too protected and never taking any risk

Is that someday, sometime
you have to do it

You have to step outside
of your box and let life happen

It pulls you, calls you
haunts you even

You have to experience
the greatest pain, the most intense joy

The full spectrum of emotion
that life has to offer

It is out of these experiences
that you learn how to cope

You begin to appreciate
that you are a lot stronger
than you give yourself credit for

No one can tell you how it feels
you simply have to live it, create your own life experience

Life is most certainly not a spectator sport
it is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is

I am, however, so thankful to be experiencing it
in all of its confusing, conflicted and painful glory

I feel like I am finally accomplishing something big
something I've been putting off for a very, very long time

I am experiencing life

Painfully enlightening, enchantingly serendipitous
packed with jewels of wisdom and insight

Experiences, my experiences
Trials and errors, good and bad

Their mine, all mine
and I want to feel them all

The searing pain of defeat
the gut wrenching agony of anger

Guilt, elation, love and hate
jealousy, admiration, fear,
contentment, accomplishment,
success and failure

I want to feel, I need to feel
for if I don't feel then I'm not alive

and

I have not been living
for way too long

With Love From Your Biggest Fan

When I think of words to describe you
"self centered" is definitely not one of them

I wouldn't even know where to begin
I don't know what I would have done without you

You always find an encouraging word
even when your own heart is breaking

You have shown me what it means
to be a very true friend, even in the face of adversity

Brave (the nicest thing anyone has ever called me)
That is you sweet girl.....Brave is most certainly you

Also you....
Strong, Kind, Understanding, Determined, Loving, Caring,
Intelligent, Generous, Loyal, Sincere, Giving,
Honest, Responsible, Respectful, Spiritual
and even though you hate it......Sweet ;)

Thank you seems so insignificant
but for you, I am truly thankful

Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
and Always

I am your Biggest Fan!!

Some Observations on Isolation

Isolation....

Working in a hospital I see it all the time. Patients are in isolation rooms for many reasons, mainly to protect them and the people entering the room from germs and the spread of them. It means donning isolation garb, a plastic gown, gloves and a mask before entering the patent's room. You go in with nothing exposed but your neck, eyes, and the back of your head.

Some days, today for example, I wish I could wear isolation garb in every room, in the hallways and the cafeteria even, because I just feel like keeping a barrier between me and the world. Some days are just like that I suppose.

If the poor patient happens to have some really scary disease, like flesh eating bacteria, I am always so very thankful for the extra layer. If they poop I find myself wishing for more gowns, wading boots, a tarp even. Always thankful for that mask when bad smells are lurking.....Oh so thankful. Some of the worst smells ever, in a hospital.

There are times when I am working hard in isolation and I get very sweaty because plastic doesn't breathe. If I get winded, that's no fun either because the only air you have is the last breath you just breathed. It's hot and close and can evoke a sense of panic. I hate that and typically curse having to wear all that gear on those days.

One day I was working with an O.T. and a tech in a nice little old man's room. We were all buzzing around getting things ready to get him up and moving about. He very sweetly called to us. "Can I ask you girls a favor?" he said in a tired, low voice. We all approached his bedside peering down at him. "Would you all take down your masks for just a minute so I can see your faces?" Of course behind each of our masks was the warmest of smiles for this very sweet little man. It's scary enough being in the hospital, it must be really scary to have everyone wear protective gear when they come into your room.

I go through periods where it seems that every patient I have is on isolation and that gets to be a drag, especially if you want to take the patient for a walk outside of the room. Then you have to gown them up too. The patients hate it.

Burn patients are on what's called, reverse isolation. That is to protect them from any germs that people who come in the room might have on their clothes or skin. The procedure is the same; gown, gloves, and mask. I remember my very first burn patient, I was so nervous, he was wrapped in gauze from head to toe like a mummy. They have to be unwrapped and re-wrapped in a special dressing before they can be seen for therapy. I kept having to leave the room for supplies, I must have gowned up 10 times for that one treatment. After I was done with his treatment I smiled and said my usual, "can I get you anything before I go?" Thank God I was wearing a mask when he answered, "I would love a cup of juice please,"so he didn't see my mouth drop at the thought of having to un-gown and re-gown yet one more time.

Oh and one last thing, you haven't truly worked in health care until you have sneezed with a isolation mask on. There just really are no words....

No real point here, just some observations on isolation.

The Sun to Rise Again

With morning comes a new perspective
the sun to rise again

A new day to embrace
a new journey on which to embark

I can finally lay down this pack of burden
guilt, longing, clinging to the past

For the past, as I knew it
is no longer there

The past has now become the present
and it is mine to mold and shape

I will set my sights on the horizon
and the wonderful new adventures that await me

I choose to forgive those who I feel have wronged me
letting go of anger and it's destructive hold

Yes, I am sad
but my heart is light

With a sense of relief
I move on now toward the future
and the wonderful uncertainty it holds

For with each new morning
comes new perspective

The sun to rise again............

I Choose Peace

The time has come
that I must learn
to find my own consolation

In times of discord and uncertainty
the very best I can do
is search within myself for comfort

Acquaintances are quick to offer
judgment and pseudo concern
only to increase the turmoil within

Friends and loved ones lend an ear
genuinely concerned for my well being
but don't truly get to see the picture

The view from where I'm standing
snug inside my own skin
peering out from behind my own eyes

Writhing in my own pain
basking in my own glory
the star of my very own show

I choose.....

When to change the channel
when to turn it off completely
and who gets to attend

I choose.....

How people get to treat me
who I can trust
and where I go from here

I choose.....

To live in Peace

Free Fall

Suspended high above the ground below
I am slowly losing my grip

My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets

My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do

My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like

Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided

I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet

I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue

Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge

I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can

Why can't I just let go?

It's gone, over, done
the PAST

It really is time to just let.......

Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?

Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear

What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?

Who will take care of me?

I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns

My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms

At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE

My Greatest Needs

At a time in my life
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told

"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"

So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care

With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul

Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"

I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them

When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills

Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7

The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children

These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship

For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness


As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same

Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success

The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle

"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.

I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."

God has not failed me
I have not failed myself

It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot

Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal

But in my heart, I know.......

While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way

And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met

My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved

and

The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......

They will do the same for me

Today I Choose.....

To concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past

To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same

To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me

To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend

To be thankful for my family

To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"

To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it

To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for

To believe that anything is possible

To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers

To laugh more

To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while

To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it

To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not

To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too

To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions

To reach out and touch someone with kindness

To not try and fix everything

To listen more

To love myself