There...

I see it
even though
you may not
want me to

your vulnerability

I respect it
envy it, am
inspired by it

your truth

It peaks my
curiosity,
not so unlike
my own

your darkness

I value it,
cherish it,
am thankful for it

your friendship

It Would Appear

It would appear
that a troubled soul
is best kept
by a peaceful soul

It would appear

Happy Valentines Day

A lot of love

A little bit of quite

The house is still crying

But tonight my heart is peaceful

Will Somebody Please Take Me Home

I woke up this morning
wondering how in the
hell did I ever get here

What a cluster fuck
mother-in-laws and manic
insignificant others

Blaring television
screaming of normal
conversation

Bitching
non-stop bitching
moaning
complaining

A stranger in
my own home

A home that doesn't
feel like mine at all

Never has, never will

I feel like I am
freaking losing
my mind

Maybe I'll shave my head
and bash in someones car
window with an umbrella

Might as well I feel
like I'm headed
for the psyche ward
anyway

I suppose it might
be quiet there

Security and peace
that's all I wanted
at 19 years old

What an ass

I've been holding
on to THIS for
dear life

20 years of my
dear life

Scared to death
to let it go
because it's
what I know

Leaking leaking
forever leaking
I think this house
is crying

Crying on the inside
just like me

I wanna go home
I don't know where that is
but I wanna go home now

Will Somebody Please Take Me Home

Darting Through Life

My strategy
sling em'
and hope
they stick
on the board

To some
however
a highly
competitive
and precise
game of skill

I liken a
good game
of darts
to life

Sometimes
you can
just sling
shit out there
with no regard
for where it
lands (like on
the swing)

Refreshing yes
always appropriate
well......no

Then there
are the times
in life when
words and
actions must
be well thought
out and perfectly
executed

A lot of times
very much untrue
to our own
characteristics

Be that as it may
sometimes we have
to play "the game"
and be good at it

Making sure that
our darts land
where they were
intended

Other times we
can approach
"the game" with
reckless abandon

Being careful
of course
that stray
darts don't
injure anyone

As with life

Some people
are really
very good
at it

Others just
have fun
and cause
a ruckus to
distract
from the fact
that they really
have no clue
what they're doing

The Power of Words

Truthful jabs
words as weapons

More painful
than a knife

Small shards of
stifled feelings

Escape the
pressure filled
confines of the
heart

Creating a subtle
yet powerful
impact

Disguised as
playful

Often accompanied
by laugher

To further pad
the sharp edges

An attempt at
communication

A subtle
retaliation

Tolerance
on the wane

Hard to say

But this
I know

I am ever
enamored
by the

Simplicity

yet

Unbridled
power

Concealed
in

WORDS

Please God, Let Them See the Train

Children, offspring
a powerful lot
they are

Capable of eliciting
the most intense
of emotions

From the moment
of their arrival
a veritable
cornucopia of
emotions ensue

From the most joyous joy
to the angriest of angry
and every emotion in between

There are precious few
experiences in this life

That will educe the most
proud sense of accomplishment

And

The most painful, searing
sting of inadequacy

Quite possibly
all in a single day

Ever growing individuals
yet extensions of ourselves

They display
some of our
very best qualities

Compassion, Empathy, Thoughtfulness

But they are also constant
reminders of some
of our worst

Disorganization, Discontentment, Inattentiveness

Having already traveled
so many of life's roads

We bear the scars
and harbor memories
of the pain that
these characteristics
have caused us in the past

Being unable to reason
with a child
on his own
journey
down these
well traveled
roads

Is such a painful plight

Frustrating at best
because the knowledge
we have to share
is invaluable

Yet we couldn't seem
more dense to our children

"You just don't get it"
reverberates in my head

Imagine yourself looking down
from a two story window
that has been painted shut

Seeing a person that you would
give your life for standing
on a set of railroad tracks

Behind him, a silent speeding
train approaching

He won't hear you
the window won't open

All you can do is watch
and hope that he eventually
figures out that a train
is coming

Please God, let them
eventually see the train

The Journey

Some of us spend our whole lives
worrying about what others
will think

Weighing every word
before it passes
our lips

We work so hard
to make the bright things
shine brighter

And the big things
seem even bigger

We struggle to keep
skeletons well out of view

Neatly tucked away
behind our cashmere
sweaters and unused
bowling balls

Pride our most
sacred possession
we guard it like the
Hope Diamond

We walk through
life oblivious
to the constant
ticking

The ticking
of the clock

Even the most
efficient of time
managers are
unaware

That with every day
we live

The less time
we have left to live

Each tick brings us closer
to a time and a place
where we may lose
some of our dignity

A time when we may
have to let go of some
of our pride

As scary as it seems

It is also a place
of refreshing simplicity

A smile, a hug or
a cookie become
some of life's most
treasured things

It is no longer considered
taboo to speak your mind

In fact, sometimes it even
makes people smile

Small milestones become
monumental achievements

A nap is one of life's greatest
pleasures

Loss of independence
life's greatest fear

Live not with worry
obsessed with the ticking

Live with compassion and
empathy for those
who are at the end
of their journey

For
someday
you
too
will
be
at
the
end
of
yours

The Elephant at Our Table

They know,
but across from them, he doesn't know.
Next to the one that doesn't know, sits his mother,
she doesn't know either.

Next to me, he knows, but chooses not to.
Across from me, he knows because he is too.
Next to him, sits his mother, who knows of
we, but not of he.

There's an elephant at our table,
it's big, it's ugly, it's real.

It's not an elephant in the truest sense,
it's a lie I try to conceal.

One day I want to dismiss this beast,
send it on it's way.

But for now I'll have to save it a seat,
on every holiday.

The Music in Me

I have loved music
for as far back as
I can remember

Music has always
provided an escape for me,
a place to hide

I could climb into a song
any song and briefly
make it my life

Darkness when I felt dark
passion when I needed love
an anthem when I had a cause

I never could really sing
although I loved it
and did it all the time, it felt so good

Looking back on my life,
I haven't lived a day
without music in some form

Today I still love music
and there's nothing better than a song
I can really climb into

But I don't hide anymore,
I just climb inside and enjoy the ride
like a surfer enjoys a good wave

The Best Christmas Ever

why oh why can't Christmas be
more than presents and a decorated tree

kindness, giving, thinking of others
spending time with children and lovers

instead it's chaos, traffic, errands and dread
there are no sugar plumbs dancing in my head

it's the most exhausting time of year
party after party spreading holiday cheer

an outfit for this, an outfit for that
Christmas cookies everywhere, fat fat fat

my ideal Christmas would be,
just my lover, by boys and me

in a little log cabin, with a fireside glow
on a mountain overlooking the city below

a hand picked tree about three foot tall
with hardly any decorations at all

the crackling of logs burning, the lights turned low
all warm and snuggly after playing in the snow

the smell of cedar from a wood burning stove
enjoying the thought of having nowhere to go

roasting marshmallows in the fire place
never ending smiles on each and every face

when the evenings through and we retire to bed
memories of this wonderful day are all that's in our heads

exhausted sleep in my lover's arms, there's truly nothing better
the perfect end to the perfect day, the best Christmas ever

The Guards

It's out
It's real
Ripped from the darkest place
Where I store all my fears
And it’s playing on every channel
On my tv, on my radio

That dark place where I keep my fears
Is heavily guarded
Guarded by denial, innocence, and naivete
3 guards that let me believe, this can't happen here

People like you and me
Living in the streets
No food, water, medication, sanitation
A literal hell on earth

It’s too much to take in
I try to be there, to feel
What it must be like
To have no base, safe haven, no shelter

My first 38 years washed away with the tide
Everything I've built, earned, saved and been given
Gone…..Just the clothes on my back and the memories in my head
No greater test of faith and strength

The teary eyes of my starving child
My parent's last suffering breath
Nature's fury has taken everything I have
and now it's trying to take my soul

Would I make it? I’d like to think I would
Sitting here at my computer
With all the comforts of home
I’d like to think I would

Those guards, denial, innocence, naivete
Their good, good at what they do.

When We Make Love

I love to watch you when we make love
the glow of your skin as you hover above
your eyes like a window, a view to your soul
I feel your heart beating, passion taking control

It's a journey we're on, it's just you and me
so loving and gentle, unbridled and free
we're partners, lovers, soulmates and friends
how could this be a love God didn't intend

The room becomes muted, colorless and still
the world becomes distant and genderless at will
a moment in time with no judgement or hate
just you and me and the love that we create

It seems like days we're away from the world
the pleasure, the wanting the passion unfurled
when ecstasy wanes, color and sound recur
we lay in residual weakness, all discernments a blur

She Completes Me

Me, sometimes dark
She, always looks to the light

Me, messy, jagged edges
She, perfect right angles

Me, spoiled, never made to want
She, grew up without, appreciates

Me, cautious, afraid of change
She, will try and never let you know she thought twice

Me, not sure what it means to be a true friend
She, amazes me with her kindness and generosity

Me, a better person for having known her
She, completes me

Real

It seems so hard to stay real
in a world that places
so much emphasis on the ideal.
just be yourself I'm told
what's on the inside is the beauty you behold

That beauty, they say, that's under the skin
the beauty that stays so locked deep within
it gets overlooked by a society unwilling to try
to look further than what is pleasing to the eye

The soul that's within needs no brushing or color
it just needs the love and compasion of another
to flourish and grow beyond all of it's bounds
gets lost under features, hair styles, and pounds

All of these pleasures the world likes to see
we wear on the outside like ornaments on a tree
slow down take a moment to stop and discover
the beauty that lies beneath the surface of another

Heart Cracked and Spidered

Heart cracked and spidered
like the windshield of a car
Still there and beating
bearing multiple scars

It's owner lumbers on
through lifes daily grind
going through motions
pushing pain from the mind

Tear drops headed off
with each blink of an eye
like wiper blades on a window
clearing a view to the sky

A heart cracked and spidered
Although easy to hide
Becomes a burden on a soul
And starts to eat away pride

What is our existence
Why are we here
Through a heart cracked and spidered
the view is not clear

Although the heart is strong enough
To push through vital blood
A Heart cracked and spidered
Will not withstand a flood

Happily Ever After

Just a shadow of my former self
looking back now seems surreal
so tortured and alone then
not capable to feel

Sitting at the kitchen table
laughing so hard it hurt
I got this funny feeling
it felt familiar but I couldn't be sure

Days went by I found myself
wondering, thinking, dreaming
some very unfamiliar things
that strangely seemed appealing

My thoughts at first were not of sex
the visions in my head
were of us simply snuggling
laying in her bed

That's all I needed and I hoped
that she would need that too
I thought of ways to ask her
so she wouldn't think I was a fool

Who in the world would ask someone
to which she was attracted
if she would go to bed with you
but leave her trousers fastened

Each night in bed all by myself
my mind would start to wander
and every night I'd let her go
just a little farther

Alright, ok, this could work
I guess we could undress
oh God, what am I thinking
I would be such a mess

It was nice to dream a bit
at home, tucked in my bed
but this was me, miss play it safe
this affair stays in my head

I tried to stop it, pushed you away
by telling you I had nothing to offer
but as those words passed through my lips
I could feel my heart growing softer

Strange sometimes how life unfolds
as we tear ourselves apart
can you believe my happily ever after
was determined by a dart

Past, Present, and Future

eating pizza in bed
after we made love

making love again
when we were through

staring at each other
from across the classroom

you wiping away my tears
making me feel secure

things I love
about the way we were

giggling in bed
before we make love

making jokes over iced tea
at the dinner table

subtle touches
while we're shopping

stolen kisses
in the car

things I love
about the way we are

running a house
partners full time

talking about our day
in bed every night

good morning kisses
before brushing our teeth

falling asleep
intertwined you and me

things I love
about the way we'll be

Happy Birthday to Me

I am continually amazed and thankful for the wisdom that comes with age. I turned forty this year and I have to say that it wasn’t one of my favorite birthdays. Quite honestly, I was in a funk for a few days before and after “the big day.” There is absolutely nothing that sounds fun and cute about being forty years old, but I have ultimately realized, while forty may not be cute, there is a distinct wisdom that comes packaged with having lived almost half a century. When I look back over my life, some things just make so much more sense now. Events in my life that tormented and terrorized me when I was younger seem so insignificant to me now. Most of the things on which I placed insurmountable importance when I was in my twenties and thirties, I couldn’t care less about today.

One period of time in my life stands out among the rest as one of the most traumatic and life changing. I was in my late twenties and I had two small boys ages two and four. I took every aspect of being a mother very, very seriously and I put a lot of pressure on myself to make them and everything for them, perfect.

My parents were going through a divorce after a very rocky twenty six year marriage. It certainly wasn’t any big surprise and being that my sister and I were adults, I honestly thought that their divorce would be just a mere technicality, the signing of papers. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. The divorce started out bad and quickly took a turn for the worst. Each side set up their own camp and the unfortunate casualties, caught in the cross fire, were forced to choose sides. When I refused to choose, I became public enemy number one, a traitor. The fighting between camps was unbearable and I would get weekly phone calls from family members telling me what an unappreciative, insensitive, horrible person I was, with no regard for anyone but myself.

I was mortified at how hateful and vindictive these people who had raised me could be. The people who told me they would always love me, no matter what. The very people who convinced me that, “you can’t count on anyone in this life but your family,” had turned on me like a pack of vicious dogs fighting over a piece of bloody meat. I was absolutely devastated.

Having troubles in my own nine year marriage, on top of everything else, made me feel like I was living in a pressure cooker. I did pretty well for about a year and then the weight of the constant stress started to take it’s toll. I started having frequent, severe, anxiety attacks. These attacks caused a feeling of sheer terror and panic, equivalent to the feeling of being on a doomed airliner or being trapped, with little air, in a small space underground. Most unfortunate was that every time one of these attacks would occur, the overwhelming feeling of impending doom was so severe that there was no meditation, breathing technique, or rationalization that was going to convince me otherwise. All of my senses were heightened and my body’s fight or flight response was on full throttle. Heart racing, sweaty palms, trembling, darting eyes, shortness of breath, rising heat from head to toe and tingling hands would precede an escalating feeling that I had to get out of wherever I was or I would absolutely lose control.

The attacks started out relatively mild but quickly progressed to a debilitating level. At my worst point I didn’t want to leave the house at all, I was absolutely terrified of these attacks. I did leave the house, because I had to, but I cried all the time and was so anxious, even when I was at home. I started pacing, because I was too anxious to sit or lay down, I literally trembled inside and out, all day, every day. I couldn’t sleep, I stopped eating and began losing weight, a lot of weight. With my functional ability so obviously declining, I obsessively worried about my children. What were they going to do without me? Who would take care of them? What would they think when they were told that their mother lost her mind? I was unaware that it was thoughts like these that were fueling my anxiety

My primary care doctor was prescribing me one antidepressant after another and nothing seemed to be helping. In fact, some of them actually made things worse. One of my dear friends finally intervened and got me an appointment with a Psychiatrist. She drove me to the appointment, I can remember that ride like it was yesterday. Sobbing uncontrollably, I just knew that as soon we stepped foot in that office they were going to throw a straight jacket on me and transport me straight to the nearest psychiatric ward. More anxiety fuel.

When I walked in, there were no white coats and no straight jackets, just a gentle faced Asian man, sitting behind his desk wearing a navy blue dress suit. He looked at me with the most caring eyes, his demeanor convinced me that he didn’t think I was crazy at all, even though I was sobbing uncontrollably and could barely talk. He explained to me that I was suffering from Anxiety Disorder and he could give me some medication that would help me. He put me on a combination of anti-anxiety medication and an antidepressant. Most importantly he offered me an explanation as to why none of the antidepressants had worked for me before. Antidepressants can take up to two weeks to start working. He assured me that the anti-anxiety medication would give me some relief from my symptoms until the antidepressant started to take affect. I clearly remember how I felt after I took the first dose. After about thirty minutes it felt like someone had turned off the pressure cooker. My mind was so quiet and calm. It was the first peace that I had experienced in a very long year and a half. I thanked God and then drifted off into a restful sleep.

Two weeks later, at my follow-up visit with the Psychiatrist, I hadn’t had one anxiety attack. I was actually starting to feel like myself again. The doctor confirmed that I had been in a very bad state at my initial visit and that he had been very concerned about me. He recommended that I continue with the medication and make an appointment with a Psychologist to help me understand some of the feelings that I was experiencing. I will never forget him or his gentle eyes. He helped me to escape from the cycle of anxiety that had consumed my life. With his help I was able to stand up and continue peacefully on my journey to where I am today.

I have not spoken, at length, about that time in my life until very recently. Partly because I didn’t want to give it energy and partly because I was embarrassed. Today at work, we were discussing a patient in a similar situation and I found myself telling my story, out load, with no shame or embarrassment. After I finished the story, I was kind of surprised at myself, speaking so assuredly and with such candor. After hearing the entire story from my own mouth, I thought to myself, “It’s no wonder I had a nervous breakdown, my whole support system was crumbling down around me at a time when I needed it the most.” I was amazed by how clear it all seemed. I wasn’t fragile, crazy, or mentally ill. I was simply a young girl with a huge amount of responsibility, a walking casualty of a raging family war that had robbed her of the only life she had ever known.

There is no amount of money that could convince me to trade the wisdom of my forties for the cuteness of my twenties and thirties. As a matter of fact, I think I’ll go shopping today and get myself some bigger pants. I want to be ready for that middle age spread everyone keeps talking about.

Peace Be With You

Like everyone else around the world I am stunned and saddened by this devastating and senseless act of violence. My thoughts and prayers go out to all the families and students who were victims of this horrific event.

I am in awe of the compassion and maturity of the students that I have seen interviewed on television. What a great group of kids with bright futures, so full of promise.

All we can hope to do now is to search for chards of goodness that may come from this tragedy. I have to believe that out of all evil, some goodness must come.

Peace be with you Virginia Tech.