Dear God

Please take the past from me.
I was careless with the heart of another, which I regret.
I go back to that moment,
And I give it to You.
Please, dear God,
Make right my wrongs
And take away my sorrow.
Forgive me, please.
May I begin again.
Amen.

The Voyage

One ship goes North and another South

'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales

That determine the way they go

Like the ships at sea, are the ways of fate

As we voyage along through life

'Tis the set of the soul that decides the goal

And not the calm or strife

~Author Unknown

Oh What A Difference Professionalism Makes

Wow! How blind we become
to absolutely inadequate management

I have learned more in the past 3 days
than I learned in the past 4 months
well, physical therapy related information, anyway

I mean, far be it from me to tell someone
how to manage their department

But

For some reason I don't think mastering school girl clique management
is something the APTA is really concerned about

Written rules and regulations
with documented consequences

Policies, manuals, protocols, documenting what you do
bless the brilliant soul who came up with those ideas

As opposed to just making some shit up
if you don't like someone's personal choices

At least that way you have a snowballs chance in hell
to know if you're COMIN' or GOIN'
Best of all, the same rules apply to EVERYONE

From the big mouthed, blond haired, drunk
to the terminally miserable, mayonnaise monger
everyone is held to the same standard

No chance of being terminated for doing something
that is apparently only acceptable for the inner circle
of which you are no longer a member

What a novel idea to verify someone's skills
before turning them loose on some unsuspecting patient

I could have dropped one and it would have had less impact
than me stepping out the back door to listen to a voice mail

It amazes me the amount of money that some people are paid
to be glorified preschool teachers, crappy ones at that

I digress, but only for a moment

Favorite Quotes by Mohandas Gandhi

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings.

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

Open Casting Call

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Touche'

If we knew each others secrets,
what comforts we should find.

~John Churton Collins

Who Knew?

Normal by definition: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

I don't think that conforming to a standard is what I'm longing for

Usual, typical, expected, that sounds more like it

I can't really ever remember a time in my life when things weren't

Usual

Typical

Expected

Ironic, given that my persona is "Anything But Ordinary"

Seek the unusual

Avoid typical

Expect the unexpected

It is Usual to get up and go to work

It is Typical to work a full day and come home exhausted

It is Expected that a paycheck will be in the bank every two weeks

The Universe can have quite an interesting sense of humor, yes?

The very things you loath can become the very things you crave at any given moment

Usual

Typical

Expected

Who Knew?

Life's Rough Road

Sometimes in life we experience bumps in the road
bumps that sometimes knock us completely off course

Even if the course we were on was a really good one
we still get side tracked and suffer set backs

I can't be sure but I think sometimes these bumps
help us to appreciate our previous and present courses

So that we don't get too comfortable in our travels
for if the road becomes too familiar we may stop paying attention

As soon as we stop paying attention a collision is eminent
causing sometimes irreparable damage to our current course

Occasionally our previous course can be retrieved and repairs made
with work one may never even know that a collision has occurred

Sadly enough we don't realize that we have stopped watching for bumps
until we have a really big collision then it's often too late

A Scandal and a Scorn to All Who Look on Thee

Why can't I just forget about it
keep it out of my head

Probably because it has shaken me
down to my very foundation

Decisions that I make in my personal life
should never, ever effect my professional life

It's wrong, just plain wrong
on so many levels

Tried and convicted by a jury of my peers
peers that have no right to judge me or anyone else

The ultimate sentence carried out by my boss
someone who is supposed to act responsibly, professionally

I am so naive to think that things like this don't happen
taking a hit that left a gaping hole in my confidence

The hole shows, in my interviews
my confidence waining with each passing day

I'm so sick of going on interviews
tired of sitting once again in judgment

People ask me why I am so angry
I'm angry because of God damned judgmental people who act like that I am the only person in the fucking world who has ever made a mistake

Judge not, lest ye be judged
Judge not, lest ye be judged

I didn't slaughter or massacre
I didn't maim or dismember

For crying out loud
I'm a human fucking being

I don't deserve to be ignored
Made to feel guilty at every turn

I do take responsibility for my actions
I do admit to causing pain and I'm sorry for that

But I never professed to be without fault
without sin

Why am I being crucified
stoned, tarred and feathered,
lynched, persecuted, ostracized

FUCK

I'm just a mere mortal, human, learning lessons as I go along, just like everyone else

Would somebody just cut me some fucking slack here
just back the fuck off for awhile

The Faces of Evil

Wicked

Malignant

Vicious

Destructive

Harmful

Hurtful

Injurious

Detrimental

Deleterious

Ruinous

Nasty

Horrible

Foul

Disgusting

Bad

Wrong

Corrupt

Depraved

Vicious

Malicious

Diabolical

Shocking

Despicable

Atrocious

Broken

I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore
the worst feeling in the world
very isolating, so alone

Worse, I don't even trust myself
in this house of mirrors
that's become my life

A mirror at every turn,
I find myself standing in front of
struggling to recognize the distorted figure

I've traveled miles
but have gotten nowhere

Endured unimaginable pain
scars in various stages of healing

I never asked to be examined
under a microscope

To have every personal detail
and indiscretion of my life
aired for the world to see

To judge...

Ironically there's a lot to judge
considering the lack of experience under the Personal
Relationships heading on my life's resume

Bad judgment on my part, luck of the draw
who knows, I press on

My nature has always been to trust
once I've let someone in anyway

I guess my not letting many people in
is why that Personal Relationships heading
on my life's resume is so short

I'm not discriminatory,
just very, very cautious

Ever terrified of feeling
the way I do right now

Standing vulnerable in front
of yet another distorted mirror

Broken

I Always Knew.......

You would let me go easily.

You could be very hateful if crossed.

You would completely shut me out.

I never imagined.....

You would stop at nothing for revenge.

It's so unbecoming, but it has made my decision so much easier.

If You Live in Glass Houses........

Face to face friends wielding knives, it can work, if you don't turn your back

Unbecoming, this behavior of supposed professionals, worse yet, church goers

Casting of stones by those who apparently have no past indiscretions, how original

Karma, what goes around comes back around, you can count on it

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will come, I will move on, you have to live with yourselves

Only one wish I have for you all, a public airing of your private indiscretions

Understand your need to persecute another for self eminence, your soul will thank you

Bathroom Wisdom Revisited

Peace is rooted in understanding
Understanding is rooted in communication
Communication is rooted in loving trust

~Author Unknown

God's Greatest Gift

First of all
I have no regrets

As I sit here
in my skin

I feel no regrets

That in itself
is progress

I do feel remorse
for any pain
that I have caused

I feel sad for the suffering

But I do not feel regret

It's been about six weeks now
since we stepped onto the playground

Whew...child's play
this has NOT been

Very few fun moments
precious few

A lot of hard work
determination and steadfastness

Damnation, persecution
desperation and anger

Litter the streets of
this very short journey

It's not tidy,
and the wrapping
is certainly not pretty

But every step a gift
that I have been blessed
with the strength to accept

I have felt pain, intense pain
anger, guilt, embarrassment,
betrayal, disillusionment,
astonishment, and ultimately
atonement

I have sat with each of these
familiarized myself with them

Felt the realness, the rawness
the searing burn

I have writhed, bargained
sobbed and questioned

But I have felt
and on my own two feet
I have remained upright

Managing to keep
putting one foot
in front of the other

In the face of
some of the greatest
adversity I have yet to face
in my overindulged life

I feel my warmth
I feel my soul
I feel the goodness that burns inside of me

The goodness that until now only other people could see
the warmth that creates compassion and empathy
genuine concern and sincerity, that's me

I feel me
I feel myself

I love me
I love myself

Thank you God
for allowing
me to see your
greatest gift

Me

Here I Am

Running, all day running
trying to out run my feelings

Searching, all day searching
for something else to occupy my mind

Resting, all day resting
from the exhaustion of so much emotion in such a short time

Writing, all day writing
hoping that you might read me

Longing, all day longing
for something to make this feel right

My Little Fire

For quite some time now
I've had this fire

The most subtle little fire
with a steady ember

Warming my soul

Through all the chaos
and all the pain

This little fire
never lost it's strength

Although not always familiar
it was ever constant

Day or Night
Alone or with another

I felt a warmth
in a place I never knew existed

A place that I had only begun
to explore

Now

For a time the light
from this fire must be dimmed

Shadowing once again
this newly awakened place in my soul

Casting a chill
over it's very existence

Although I understand
and know what must be done

It doesn't ease
the sudden surge of cold

or

The intense fear
that I may never know that warmth again

Never allowing me to return
to that place in my soul

That I wanted so badly
to explore

I am trying to have faith
to be patient

For I have to know
that this fire, this warmth

Burns for me, purely, honestly
so not to cast a daily shadow on another

Happiness.....

I don't want to be responsible for that of another

I simply want to revel in it

I Feel....

breathless, like someone punched me hard in the chest

contempt, for the victory of controlling people

pain, as I have never felt before

fatigue, as I have been treading trodden trails for a long, long time

sadness, just so much sadness

anger, at manipulation and control

fear, of never being seen again

thankful, for the time we shared

It just hurts really bad.

Independence by Definition

The fact or state of being independent.

self-government,
self-rule,
home rule,
separation,
self-determination,
sovereignty,
autonomy,
freedom,
liberty,
comfort,
ease.