Who Knew?

Normal by definition: conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected

I don't think that conforming to a standard is what I'm longing for

Usual, typical, expected, that sounds more like it

I can't really ever remember a time in my life when things weren't

Usual

Typical

Expected

Ironic, given that my persona is "Anything But Ordinary"

Seek the unusual

Avoid typical

Expect the unexpected

It is Usual to get up and go to work

It is Typical to work a full day and come home exhausted

It is Expected that a paycheck will be in the bank every two weeks

The Universe can have quite an interesting sense of humor, yes?

The very things you loath can become the very things you crave at any given moment

Usual

Typical

Expected

Who Knew?

Life's Rough Road

Sometimes in life we experience bumps in the road
bumps that sometimes knock us completely off course

Even if the course we were on was a really good one
we still get side tracked and suffer set backs

I can't be sure but I think sometimes these bumps
help us to appreciate our previous and present courses

So that we don't get too comfortable in our travels
for if the road becomes too familiar we may stop paying attention

As soon as we stop paying attention a collision is eminent
causing sometimes irreparable damage to our current course

Occasionally our previous course can be retrieved and repairs made
with work one may never even know that a collision has occurred

Sadly enough we don't realize that we have stopped watching for bumps
until we have a really big collision then it's often too late

A Scandal and a Scorn to All Who Look on Thee

Why can't I just forget about it
keep it out of my head

Probably because it has shaken me
down to my very foundation

Decisions that I make in my personal life
should never, ever effect my professional life

It's wrong, just plain wrong
on so many levels

Tried and convicted by a jury of my peers
peers that have no right to judge me or anyone else

The ultimate sentence carried out by my boss
someone who is supposed to act responsibly, professionally

I am so naive to think that things like this don't happen
taking a hit that left a gaping hole in my confidence

The hole shows, in my interviews
my confidence waining with each passing day

I'm so sick of going on interviews
tired of sitting once again in judgment

People ask me why I am so angry
I'm angry because of God damned judgmental people who act like that I am the only person in the fucking world who has ever made a mistake

Judge not, lest ye be judged
Judge not, lest ye be judged

I didn't slaughter or massacre
I didn't maim or dismember

For crying out loud
I'm a human fucking being

I don't deserve to be ignored
Made to feel guilty at every turn

I do take responsibility for my actions
I do admit to causing pain and I'm sorry for that

But I never professed to be without fault
without sin

Why am I being crucified
stoned, tarred and feathered,
lynched, persecuted, ostracized

FUCK

I'm just a mere mortal, human, learning lessons as I go along, just like everyone else

Would somebody just cut me some fucking slack here
just back the fuck off for awhile

The Faces of Evil

Wicked

Malignant

Vicious

Destructive

Harmful

Hurtful

Injurious

Detrimental

Deleterious

Ruinous

Nasty

Horrible

Foul

Disgusting

Bad

Wrong

Corrupt

Depraved

Vicious

Malicious

Diabolical

Shocking

Despicable

Atrocious

Broken

I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore
the worst feeling in the world
very isolating, so alone

Worse, I don't even trust myself
in this house of mirrors
that's become my life

A mirror at every turn,
I find myself standing in front of
struggling to recognize the distorted figure

I've traveled miles
but have gotten nowhere

Endured unimaginable pain
scars in various stages of healing

I never asked to be examined
under a microscope

To have every personal detail
and indiscretion of my life
aired for the world to see

To judge...

Ironically there's a lot to judge
considering the lack of experience under the Personal
Relationships heading on my life's resume

Bad judgment on my part, luck of the draw
who knows, I press on

My nature has always been to trust
once I've let someone in anyway

I guess my not letting many people in
is why that Personal Relationships heading
on my life's resume is so short

I'm not discriminatory,
just very, very cautious

Ever terrified of feeling
the way I do right now

Standing vulnerable in front
of yet another distorted mirror

Broken

I Always Knew.......

You would let me go easily.

You could be very hateful if crossed.

You would completely shut me out.

I never imagined.....

You would stop at nothing for revenge.

It's so unbecoming, but it has made my decision so much easier.

If You Live in Glass Houses........

Face to face friends wielding knives, it can work, if you don't turn your back

Unbecoming, this behavior of supposed professionals, worse yet, church goers

Casting of stones by those who apparently have no past indiscretions, how original

Karma, what goes around comes back around, you can count on it

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow will come, I will move on, you have to live with yourselves

Only one wish I have for you all, a public airing of your private indiscretions

Understand your need to persecute another for self eminence, your soul will thank you

Bathroom Wisdom Revisited

Peace is rooted in understanding
Understanding is rooted in communication
Communication is rooted in loving trust

~Author Unknown

God's Greatest Gift

First of all
I have no regrets

As I sit here
in my skin

I feel no regrets

That in itself
is progress

I do feel remorse
for any pain
that I have caused

I feel sad for the suffering

But I do not feel regret

It's been about six weeks now
since we stepped onto the playground

Whew...child's play
this has NOT been

Very few fun moments
precious few

A lot of hard work
determination and steadfastness

Damnation, persecution
desperation and anger

Litter the streets of
this very short journey

It's not tidy,
and the wrapping
is certainly not pretty

But every step a gift
that I have been blessed
with the strength to accept

I have felt pain, intense pain
anger, guilt, embarrassment,
betrayal, disillusionment,
astonishment, and ultimately
atonement

I have sat with each of these
familiarized myself with them

Felt the realness, the rawness
the searing burn

I have writhed, bargained
sobbed and questioned

But I have felt
and on my own two feet
I have remained upright

Managing to keep
putting one foot
in front of the other

In the face of
some of the greatest
adversity I have yet to face
in my overindulged life

I feel my warmth
I feel my soul
I feel the goodness that burns inside of me

The goodness that until now only other people could see
the warmth that creates compassion and empathy
genuine concern and sincerity, that's me

I feel me
I feel myself

I love me
I love myself

Thank you God
for allowing
me to see your
greatest gift

Me

Here I Am

Running, all day running
trying to out run my feelings

Searching, all day searching
for something else to occupy my mind

Resting, all day resting
from the exhaustion of so much emotion in such a short time

Writing, all day writing
hoping that you might read me

Longing, all day longing
for something to make this feel right

My Little Fire

For quite some time now
I've had this fire

The most subtle little fire
with a steady ember

Warming my soul

Through all the chaos
and all the pain

This little fire
never lost it's strength

Although not always familiar
it was ever constant

Day or Night
Alone or with another

I felt a warmth
in a place I never knew existed

A place that I had only begun
to explore

Now

For a time the light
from this fire must be dimmed

Shadowing once again
this newly awakened place in my soul

Casting a chill
over it's very existence

Although I understand
and know what must be done

It doesn't ease
the sudden surge of cold

or

The intense fear
that I may never know that warmth again

Never allowing me to return
to that place in my soul

That I wanted so badly
to explore

I am trying to have faith
to be patient

For I have to know
that this fire, this warmth

Burns for me, purely, honestly
so not to cast a daily shadow on another

Happiness.....

I don't want to be responsible for that of another

I simply want to revel in it

I Feel....

breathless, like someone punched me hard in the chest

contempt, for the victory of controlling people

pain, as I have never felt before

fatigue, as I have been treading trodden trails for a long, long time

sadness, just so much sadness

anger, at manipulation and control

fear, of never being seen again

thankful, for the time we shared

It just hurts really bad.

Independence by Definition

The fact or state of being independent.

self-government,
self-rule,
home rule,
separation,
self-determination,
sovereignty,
autonomy,
freedom,
liberty,
comfort,
ease.

Control by Definition

The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.

be in charge of
run,
manage,
direct,
administer,
head,
preside over,
supervise,
superintend,
steer,
command,
rule,
govern,
lead,
dominate,
hold sway over,
be at the helm; informal head up,
be in the driver's seat,
run the show,
restrain,
keep in check,
curb,
check,
contain,
hold back,
bridle,
rein in,
suppress,
repress,
master.

Perceptions of a Perceptive Soul

"Your personal intensity that houses both a shy
insecurity with a powerful knowledge of yourself
that you struggle to accept and reject at the
same time"

~Thank you

This Invisible Scarlet Letter

Especially tricky
for I don't know who can see it

When I approach a seemingly kind face
all I can do is wonder

Difficult to focus on a conversation
seeking out the loyal

Their numbers decreasing
with each passing day

It's like searching
for a place to hide

In a stark white
empty room

Every place
a backdrop

For this
blood red letter

Assigned to me
by those so fortunate
to be free of fault

Living in Parallels

Witnessing the struggle
to end a sacred bond

A holding place of commitment
that no longer embraces comfort

Pondering the consequences
of withering a soul

I was there
though in my youth

and

Today

Although the view
from a new vantage point

No less painful
from a different angle

Then intersecting
Now Parallel

She waited
more patiently at first

The loving soul
who came for me

Quietly sitting
until I could, would
come to her

Share myself
with her

Give to her
my most elusive gift

Time
precious and unreserved

Just Time

A witness
to the pain in her eyes

When the hand that constantly swept
over our time together

Came to rest
on the limitations of the day

She learned to read
my body language

Anticipating when it
was time for me to go

Her body would tense
in preparation for the blow

For today
I am the waiting

The one craving
time

The one who tenses
when the conversation
approaches an end

Begging that sweeping hand to stop
if only for a day

So much more painful
my own pain

Coupled with the pain
of knowing all to well
how she must have felt

Still intersecting
Now parallel

Celebrating Us

We did have so many
wonderful times together

Never in my life
have I experienced
so much with one person

I want to thank you
for helping me grow

For showing me a light
that I never knew existed

For helping me find a path
to believe in myself

I know that you are hurting now
and for that my heart aches

Please know that I am truly
grateful for everything
that you have given me

And that it was never
my intention to hurt you

I'm sure that you can't
see past any of this right now

But I truly feel that you and I
will have a life long bond

I want to be here for you
when you are ready to let me

My dream is to laugh with you again someday
to celebrate us

Comforting Words From My Father

Sobbing "Trust me dad, this isn't anything that you want to be involved in."

"Anything that affects you is something that I want to be involved in."

Thank you dad,
tonight I very
much needed
those words.

Tonight I very much needed support
and you were there for me,
thank you.