Welcome

Carl David Coker - 3/4/2009

Doin' What I Do

A man whose index finger was bitten off by his girlfriend
because he pointed it in her face

A woman walking in Georgia
attacked by a pack of wild dogs

A girl not much older than my son
with double lung transplants due to cystic fibrosis

Heightened security because of
high profile patients in the news

Walking through a sea of media
awaiting a news conference on my way to lunch

Doing things I never thought I'd do
seeing things I never thought I'd see

Jumpin' in, helpin' out
no two days are ever the same

Problem solving by myself or with the team
if I can do this, I can do anything

This is therapy, this is cutting edge, level 1 Trauma
A dull moment at work.......Never

Post Fight Giggles

"I'm sorry we fussed...."

"I luv you......"

"I'm gonna buy me a pick up truck....."

Tiny Treasures

I had forgotten
the magical powers

Of the beach
and the ocean

The waves
crashing at my feet

The sun on my skin
melting away my cares

As I search and search
for tiny treasures

Treasures that have traveled
for miles with the tides

I imagine that their journey
has been a lot like life

Twirling, rolling, sinking, floating
buried then unearthed with each wave

All the rough edges being buffed
worn down and polished along the way

Some survive seemingly untouched
by the perilous journey

Others are missing pieces
and show the scars of time and tides

Each one unique, with a story of it's own
a story that no one will ever know

Perhaps the greatest of mysteries
these treasures of the sea

Sometimes

................you wanna to go
where everybody knows your name

A Year Retrospective

A domino affect of broken hearts
plans, dreams, and expectations
one pushed down by the next
set in motion by seemingly
innocent feelings for another

A year has passed, many words spoken by some
very few words spoken by others
retribution, retaliation, attempts at reconciliation
lie neatly in rows, each overlapping the next
the first every bit as painful as the last

I revisit this daily
I guess I probably will for the rest of my life
human emotion and feelings have plagued me
since I was just a small child
a recurring theme in my life

I agonized over anything or anyone feeling hurt
left out, neglected, ignored, or disappointed in any way
I would have rather died myself than to think that I
had caused anyone to experience any of these emotions
I would slight myself before I would consider hurting someone else

So I guess it's not surprising
that the events of the past year have traumatized me so
I have experienced everything that has terrified me since I was just a girl
and while this has been by far, one of the most difficult years I have lived
I have learned to value the things that I once took for granted

God
Family
Friends
All the people who love me, warts and all

I know that I cannot change what has already happened
and I feel that I have adequately conveyed my sorrow
I will, in the future, however take more care with my loved ones
let them know that they are cherished, loved and cared for
life is simply too short to be lived in a world centered in self

But One Small Speck

Lately I have been wondering if my prayers are heard
and if so, have they been answered?

I do know that every prayer is not answered
at least not in the way we are asking it to be.

And sometimes no answer at all, is actually the answer.
If I really stop and think about it, it's mind boggling.

When I figure that what I am asking of God
might parallel but be directly opposite
to what someone else is asking Him.

So my prayer not being answered,
might actually be the answer to the prayer of another.

Amazingly, he has it all figured out
a plan for me, a plan for you, that has already been mapped out.

Our prayers he hears, even though we are but one small speck
in this vast universe.

Thank God

I love you PaPa

Hard Rock Star Search and Foolish Fun

Silly school girl fun
it feels so good

It's been a long time
since I have been able to just let go

Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Paris Hilton
and us, party girls with the stars "supposedly"

Ok, so party girls with the security guards
but still such fun

Making memories, building confidence
laughing all the while

Oysters on the half shell
Blue Moon overflowing

Shucking and drinking
floating not sinking

Washing away tears
allowing laughter and love to surface

Partying with friends and loved ones
good food, good fun, a whole new life has begun

Gloriously Mine

I have come to realize that this road I have been traveling
albeit rocky and pain filled

Has been a slow journey back to my family
something I have subconsciously yearned for

God has been trying to show me
for such a long time

I knew there must be a message
in the recurring mother theme in my life

The bitterness I felt about
his mother, her mother

The jealousy I felt about
her close relationship with her family

The intense grief I felt
at the mention of the death of her mother

It seems that it should have been so easy
so clearly laid out for me to see

But I wasn't paying attention,
clouded by my selfishness, I was sure that I had been wronged

I am doing the best I can at raising
my children

They did the best they could
at raising me

They are not perfect, neither am I
but they are mine and I love them

The good, the bad, the indifferent
I love them for who they are,
they love me for who I am

They're mine, mine, gloriously mine
and I am so thankful that God brought
me to them before it was too late

Breathe (2 am)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in you hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you always try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.

Found So Far

Passionate

Noticeable

Worthy

Unique

Capable

Kind

A Fool

Over the past few months I have felt like
I have made a complete and total fool of myself.

I got the impression, during one of my counseling sessions
that if you wanted something you needed to make it known.

Never being one to do that, it seemed very foreign
but it made sense to me at the time.

I hurt her, so I needed to do my best to convey to her
that I wanted any and every opportunity to make it right.

While I haven't begged, I have been persistent
only to be ignored, belittled, and patronized.

Treated as if I have no worth,
deserving of no respect at all.

During this time I have experienced
more anger than I ever have in my lifetime.

It has eaten away at my self confidence
rendered me blind to my true inner beauty and light.

Robbed me of precious moments of pride
in my often selfless caring and understanding ways.

I foolishly believed that this person was someone
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Relationships, are difficult under the best of circumstances
lasting ones few and far between.

Things happen, trials, tribulations, tests
these are what make strong relationships stronger.

Arrogance, ignorance, pride, stubbornness, games,
gossip, hatefulness these are what kill them.

It's not a fool who mistakenly thinks they are still in love with someone
It's a fool who couldn't muster up an ounce of kindness
for someone who is sincerely trying to reach out to them.

Trying Hard To

Let the past just be.......

So True

What we do to someone else,
we also do to ourselves.

~The Reverend Melissa Etheridge

To Whom These May Concern

Lying is done with words and also with silence.
~Adrienne Rich

Arrogance really comes from insecurity, and in the end
our feeling that we are bigger than others is really the
flip side of our feeling that we are smaller than others.
~Archbishop Desmond TuTu

True friendship can afford true knowledge.
It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.
~Henry David Thoreau

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.
~Martin Luther King Jr.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
~Mohandas Gandhi

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.
~George Bernard Shaw

Arrogance and rudeness are training wheels on the bicycle of life -- for weak people who cannot keep their balance without them.
~Laura Teresa Marquez

Sometimes when you try so hard to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, not even yourself.
~Me

Tears

end of a story, fade to black
time to move forward don't look back

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

wash away the pain, cleanse my soul
overflowing sadness, make me whole

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

panic waning, sadness slows
fog is lifting, colors show

raining grief, cleansing relief

tears

cleaning the slate
less guilt, less hate

raining grief, cleansing relief

thank you God for

tears

The Bridge Ablaze

The bridge is ablaze

Amidst the flames and ashes

A stronger, more confident person emerges

Co-dependence, indulgence, guilt, obligation

Tossed one by one into the inferno

Standing close enough to feel the heat

Yet far enough away to avoid the searing pain of the burn

I watch as the blazing bridge

Once a brilliant structure

Is reduced to ashes of retribution, immaturity, and contempt

Still clinging to anger and bitterness

Not yet ready to let them go

I choose to watch it burn and not turn away

For I must always remember

It took more than just me to build that bridge

and it took more than just me to tear it down

So during moments of weakness

When I might feel the need to turn around and go back

The image of that burning bridge will serve as a reminder

There is absolutely nothing left to take me back there

Christmas Love