What Really Matters

Yesterday I was treating a 40 year old woman diagnosed with cervical cancer that had metastasized to her bowl and bladder. After a total hysterectomy, removal of a section of her bowel and her bladder, I stood and watched as she pushed through her emotional and physical pain, simply because she wanted to see her kids grow up.

At that very moment I realized that none of this matters at all. This is just a small bump in my road, not a major life altering event.

Today, I thank God, set down another heavy pack and continue on my journey. For now, I am blessed with health. I am good, well meaning, kind and I am worthy of all these things abundantly in return. Life is just too short.

I'm Alive

The problem with keeping yourself
too protected and never taking any risk

Is that someday, sometime
you have to do it

You have to step outside
of your box and let life happen

It pulls you, calls you
haunts you even

You have to experience
the greatest pain, the most intense joy

The full spectrum of emotion
that life has to offer

It is out of these experiences
that you learn how to cope

You begin to appreciate
that you are a lot stronger
than you give yourself credit for

No one can tell you how it feels
you simply have to live it, create your own life experience

Life is most certainly not a spectator sport
it is not easy, but nothing worth having ever is

I am, however, so thankful to be experiencing it
in all of its confusing, conflicted and painful glory

I feel like I am finally accomplishing something big
something I've been putting off for a very, very long time

I am experiencing life

Painfully enlightening, enchantingly serendipitous
packed with jewels of wisdom and insight

Experiences, my experiences
Trials and errors, good and bad

Their mine, all mine
and I want to feel them all

The searing pain of defeat
the gut wrenching agony of anger

Guilt, elation, love and hate
jealousy, admiration, fear,
contentment, accomplishment,
success and failure

I want to feel, I need to feel
for if I don't feel then I'm not alive

and

I have not been living
for way too long

With Love From Your Biggest Fan

When I think of words to describe you
"self centered" is definitely not one of them

I wouldn't even know where to begin
I don't know what I would have done without you

You always find an encouraging word
even when your own heart is breaking

You have shown me what it means
to be a very true friend, even in the face of adversity

Brave (the nicest thing anyone has ever called me)
That is you sweet girl.....Brave is most certainly you

Also you....
Strong, Kind, Understanding, Determined, Loving, Caring,
Intelligent, Generous, Loyal, Sincere, Giving,
Honest, Responsible, Respectful, Spiritual
and even though you hate it......Sweet ;)

Thank you seems so insignificant
but for you, I am truly thankful

Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
and Always

I am your Biggest Fan!!

Some Observations on Isolation

Isolation....

Working in a hospital I see it all the time. Patients are in isolation rooms for many reasons, mainly to protect them and the people entering the room from germs and the spread of them. It means donning isolation garb, a plastic gown, gloves and a mask before entering the patent's room. You go in with nothing exposed but your neck, eyes, and the back of your head.

Some days, today for example, I wish I could wear isolation garb in every room, in the hallways and the cafeteria even, because I just feel like keeping a barrier between me and the world. Some days are just like that I suppose.

If the poor patient happens to have some really scary disease, like flesh eating bacteria, I am always so very thankful for the extra layer. If they poop I find myself wishing for more gowns, wading boots, a tarp even. Always thankful for that mask when bad smells are lurking.....Oh so thankful. Some of the worst smells ever, in a hospital.

There are times when I am working hard in isolation and I get very sweaty because plastic doesn't breathe. If I get winded, that's no fun either because the only air you have is the last breath you just breathed. It's hot and close and can evoke a sense of panic. I hate that and typically curse having to wear all that gear on those days.

One day I was working with an O.T. and a tech in a nice little old man's room. We were all buzzing around getting things ready to get him up and moving about. He very sweetly called to us. "Can I ask you girls a favor?" he said in a tired, low voice. We all approached his bedside peering down at him. "Would you all take down your masks for just a minute so I can see your faces?" Of course behind each of our masks was the warmest of smiles for this very sweet little man. It's scary enough being in the hospital, it must be really scary to have everyone wear protective gear when they come into your room.

I go through periods where it seems that every patient I have is on isolation and that gets to be a drag, especially if you want to take the patient for a walk outside of the room. Then you have to gown them up too. The patients hate it.

Burn patients are on what's called, reverse isolation. That is to protect them from any germs that people who come in the room might have on their clothes or skin. The procedure is the same; gown, gloves, and mask. I remember my very first burn patient, I was so nervous, he was wrapped in gauze from head to toe like a mummy. They have to be unwrapped and re-wrapped in a special dressing before they can be seen for therapy. I kept having to leave the room for supplies, I must have gowned up 10 times for that one treatment. After I was done with his treatment I smiled and said my usual, "can I get you anything before I go?" Thank God I was wearing a mask when he answered, "I would love a cup of juice please,"so he didn't see my mouth drop at the thought of having to un-gown and re-gown yet one more time.

Oh and one last thing, you haven't truly worked in health care until you have sneezed with a isolation mask on. There just really are no words....

No real point here, just some observations on isolation.

The Sun to Rise Again

With morning comes a new perspective
the sun to rise again

A new day to embrace
a new journey on which to embark

I can finally lay down this pack of burden
guilt, longing, clinging to the past

For the past, as I knew it
is no longer there

The past has now become the present
and it is mine to mold and shape

I will set my sights on the horizon
and the wonderful new adventures that await me

I choose to forgive those who I feel have wronged me
letting go of anger and it's destructive hold

Yes, I am sad
but my heart is light

With a sense of relief
I move on now toward the future
and the wonderful uncertainty it holds

For with each new morning
comes new perspective

The sun to rise again............

I Choose Peace

The time has come
that I must learn
to find my own consolation

In times of discord and uncertainty
the very best I can do
is search within myself for comfort

Acquaintances are quick to offer
judgment and pseudo concern
only to increase the turmoil within

Friends and loved ones lend an ear
genuinely concerned for my well being
but don't truly get to see the picture

The view from where I'm standing
snug inside my own skin
peering out from behind my own eyes

Writhing in my own pain
basking in my own glory
the star of my very own show

I choose.....

When to change the channel
when to turn it off completely
and who gets to attend

I choose.....

How people get to treat me
who I can trust
and where I go from here

I choose.....

To live in Peace

Free Fall

Suspended high above the ground below
I am slowly losing my grip

My arms feel as though
they are being pulled from their sockets

My desperation waxing and waning
as I realize what I must do

My breathing is quick and shallow
as I wonder what it will feel like

Knuckles white, fingers numb
most of the searing pain has subsided

I've been holding on for so long now
dangling, hanging, no ground under my feet

I have already slipped
giving in to the pain and fatigue

Though I always manage to
to catch another ledge

I am determined to hold on
for as long as I possibly can

Why can't I just let go?

It's gone, over, done
the PAST

It really is time to just let.......

Dear Lord, what if I hit
every rock on my way down?

Surely that will be more
pain than I can bear

What if I land on another ledge
broken and mortally wounded?

Who will take care of me?

I must hold on, I can't let go
there are just too many unknowns

My grip tightens once again
as intense pain shoots through my arms

At least for another moment I am safe
from free falling into an uncertain FUTURE

My Greatest Needs

At a time in my life
when I was young, confused and impressionable
I was told

"You could never take care of a child
because you can't even take care of yourself"

So, when I finally did become a mother
not too long after those painful words
I placed insurmountable pressure on myself
to do the very best job in taking great care

With these two most beautiful
extensions of my soul

Two bouncing beams of light, joy and hope
to satiate my craving, my need, my desire
for the chance to prove, once and for all, to myself
that I most certainly could and would love to, "take care"

I have made my choices based on my own values
the way that I was raised
and what I feel is best for them

When they were little the choices were easy
when to introduce a new vegetable
when to decrease their naps from two to one
which play group for learning social skills

Their needs were very basic, black and white
a check list that I checked, rechecked and checked again
24/7

The were loved and scrubbed
their bellies full of good food
living in a safe, clean, warm home
what all mothers dream of providing for their children

These small sweet beings filled
most all of my needs
for love, nurturing, and companionship

For they depended on me, their mother
for every aspect of their daily existence
I was rewarded daily with showers of love and little kisses
Finally experiencing true happiness


As they grew, so did the responsibility
and the pressure to be there for them on every level
overwhelming at times but rewarding just the same

Providing them with a safe stable environment
became an obsession for me
I was convinced that this was the key
to their well being and ultimately their success

The success that I had prayed for so many times
rocking them back to sleep before the sun came up
after a clean diaper and a warm bottle

"Please God, don't let them succumb to the pressures of this difficult world.
Please give them the strength to stand on their own two feet and not fall
prey to the pressures put on them by society and their peers.

I know they are going to experiment with things but please keep them safe
and watch over them as they travel through their lives. Please give me the
strength to provide good examples and a loving, stable home."

God has not failed me
I have not failed myself

It has not been an easy journey
and I have sacrificed a lot

Our life has not been conventional
or what some people would even consider normal

But in my heart, I know.......

While big in stature
they are still just kids, my kids
trying to find their way

And, although for now
I go to bed at night alone
my greatest needs are met

My need to provide a loving home, parents present
for them to grow up in and feel safe in
knowing that they are loved

and

The satisfaction of knowing, in my heart
that I have taken care of them
and should I ever need it......

They will do the same for me

Today I Choose.....

To concentrate on the future and stop dwelling on the past

To forgive myself and surround myself with only those people who truly do the same

To remind myself that my self worth has nothing to do with what others think of me

To thank God for showing me what it means to be a really good friend

To be thankful for my family

To remember that "reality is what it is and not what I would like it to be"

To wipe up the spilled milk and get the hell on with it

To realize that I am way more intelligent than I give myself credit for

To believe that anything is possible

To give a big hug and kiss to both of my teenagers

To laugh more

To reach out to a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while

To live in the moment and be thankful for everything and everyone that's in it

To realize that the future will unfold and take shape whether I worry about it or not

To get back to doing the things I love and find a few new things too

To be free of negative, paralyzing emotions

To reach out and touch someone with kindness

To not try and fix everything

To listen more

To love myself

Every Shade of Color in Between

Each morning when I hear my alarm
and open my eyes to focus on the day
I know that I have been blessed

Blessed with another opportunity
to soak in the lessons to be learned
from the vastness of living

Another chance to succeed
another chance to fail
but most importantly another chance to try

Sometimes the choices we make
work out beautifully
like a well executed plan

Giving the appearance
that we have mastered this life
and achieved success

Promoting confidence, pride
and a sense of well being
resulting in great happiness

Other times our choices
send life spinning out of control
with not a patch of solid ground in sight

Often inflicting great pain
upon ourselves and others
in the wake of the consequences

This renders us helpless and frail
leaving us to question
our motives, morals, and intellect

If we are lucky enough to survive
from these life altering choices
a gift of great knowledge abounds

For it is these experiences,
both joyful and painfully gut wrenching
that teach us what works, what doesn't

and......

Every shade of color in between

When Sorry Is Not Enough

Throughout my life
sorry has always been enough

It is such a powerful word
when it's said with sincerity

I realize now, however,
that sorry isn't always enough

When you pull the rug
out from under the feet of another

Trample on a heart
as if it were a door mat

Treat a fragile soul
with reckless carelessness

"I'm Sorry" seems almost insulting

"Time heals all things"
I have heard that saying so many times

Never once did I take a moment
to ponder what that might imply

"Actions speak louder than words"
another redundant phrase never pondered

In a situation such as this I am finding
that I must first forgive myself

I then must adjust my actions
to reflect my sorrow and pray

That time really does heal things
when sorry is not enough

Grey's Wisdom

Smooth rides make for boring stories
A little calamity, that's worth talking about

My Sea

Swells of emotion of every sort
surging like waves methodically crashing
on the white sandy beaches that line my soul

Just as I get my footing, begin to stand
another wave breaks at my feet
toppling me, again

Into the sea, my sea

A sea, at times so peaceful
it appears to be an unending sheet
of the most beautiful Satin

A sea, at times so turbulent,
it takes every bit of strength
just to keep my balance

The vastness of the spectrum is exhausting
it takes my breath, renders me delicate
yet empowered

For I am at the helm of this vessel,
chosen to navigate these waters
by an all knowing spirit

One who would never trust
a vessel such as this
to the weak or feeble

I CAN do this!

A Gift in the Truest Sense

Every now and again in this life
we are fortunate enough to run into people
who just get it

They inherently know when we just need
an extra bit of understanding
a smile, a nod, a kind word, a soft hand

Even when they don't truly understand
just the fact that they act like they do
is so very comforting

Most often we don't have any idea
what another soul is experiencing
actually it's not our job to know

But the truest gifts are bestowed
by those who don't question
but simply realize

That the most sincere understanding
is acknowledging, without judging
what is not understood at all

Dear God

Please take the past from me.
I was careless with the heart of another, which I regret.
I go back to that moment,
And I give it to You.
Please, dear God,
Make right my wrongs
And take away my sorrow.
Forgive me, please.
May I begin again.
Amen.

The Voyage

One ship goes North and another South

'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales

That determine the way they go

Like the ships at sea, are the ways of fate

As we voyage along through life

'Tis the set of the soul that decides the goal

And not the calm or strife

~Author Unknown

Oh What A Difference Professionalism Makes

Wow! How blind we become
to absolutely inadequate management

I have learned more in the past 3 days
than I learned in the past 4 months
well, physical therapy related information, anyway

I mean, far be it from me to tell someone
how to manage their department

But

For some reason I don't think mastering school girl clique management
is something the APTA is really concerned about

Written rules and regulations
with documented consequences

Policies, manuals, protocols, documenting what you do
bless the brilliant soul who came up with those ideas

As opposed to just making some shit up
if you don't like someone's personal choices

At least that way you have a snowballs chance in hell
to know if you're COMIN' or GOIN'
Best of all, the same rules apply to EVERYONE

From the big mouthed, blond haired, drunk
to the terminally miserable, mayonnaise monger
everyone is held to the same standard

No chance of being terminated for doing something
that is apparently only acceptable for the inner circle
of which you are no longer a member

What a novel idea to verify someone's skills
before turning them loose on some unsuspecting patient

I could have dropped one and it would have had less impact
than me stepping out the back door to listen to a voice mail

It amazes me the amount of money that some people are paid
to be glorified preschool teachers, crappy ones at that

I digress, but only for a moment

Favorite Quotes by Mohandas Gandhi

Before the throne of the Almighty, man will be judged not by his acts but by his intentions. For God alone reads our hearts.

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings.

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

Open Casting Call

To Err is human.....

To sit back, judge, gossip and sensationalize other people's pain and suffering for personal entertainment is despicable.

Move on people, the shows over, there's nothing more to see here. You'll all have to find another source of drama. I hear CSI is good, blood and guts an added bonus.

Not quite as interactive, I mean you won't get to see the cast breakdown, cry or show any emotion as a result of your fodder. Shame, they won't be affected at all by any of the juicy details that you choose to share with your buddies.

But it should suffice, until the next source of human entertainment crosses your paths.

Watch what you do though, you just might wake up one morning to find that you, yourself have become a star. Worse, you may find the people that you thought were your friends are the ones who are enjoying the front row seats.

Life is funny like that.

Keep it moving people, nothing more to see, Jezebel has left the building.

Touche'

If we knew each others secrets,
what comforts we should find.

~John Churton Collins