It's Only Shock

It's not numbness

Thank you God, it's not numbness

So many

Very bizarre

Things

Have occurred

Over the past week

Out of the blue

Without warning

I'm in shock

It's only shock

Being called a white trash whore
in the parking lot of Starbucks.....Shocking

Being called on the carpet at my job
about my role in a lesbian scandal.....Shocking

Being called to appear
on the Jerry Springer Show.....Eminent

But at least I'm not numb

Numb

If I had to sum this day up in a sentence
it would be "stop this ride, I want to get off"

I think I may have felt like this one other time in my life
when I went on the tea cup ride with my best friend
and we spun and spun and spun until we finally
puked up popcorn and blue cotton candy

It took a few hours for the world to stop spinning
before we felt like eating carnival food again

Somehow I think this round of spinning
might take a little bit longer to shake off

On the bright side, I won't be puking popcorn and blue cotton candy
But on the other hand, I'm an adult now and should have a lot better sense

The stakes are higher the consequences much more severe
What started out so innocently has grown to such epidemic proportions
I can't see over it, around it or under it

Worse, I can't understand it

I don't have any real answer to give anyone accept "I don't know"

I feel like my whole life I have been longing, very simply, to be loved

I have now hurt the one person in my life, by whom I have truly felt loved
quite possibly beyond repair

I have longed to be happy at my job for the past eight years
and for the past three months I have found that happiness

I have now put that job in jeopardy, something I have never, ever done before

I have never been a risk taker, I have always avoided conflict, always chosen the
path of least resistance

In the past three weeks I have assessed more risk, encountered more conflict and
traveled on a path that even the craziest of thrill seekers couldn't stomach

WOW.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I spending too much time behind four walls

or

Maybe I need to spend some time behind padded walls

I feel scared
I feel sad
I feel guilt, a lot of guilt
I feel insecure
in the spotlight
under the gun
embarrassed
humiliated
out of control
exhausted

but the feeling that scares me the most

NUMB

Only Human

I

am

however

only

human.


Pseudo

catholic

school

girl

guilt

ridden

human.


But

human

none the less.

Railroad Wings

And as far as I can tell,
most everything
means nothing
Except some things
that mean everything

~Patty Griffin

Painful Truth

standing in truth
once a dream

now a reality
knee deep

forced truth
but none the less

truth

casualties many
honor a memory

respect eludes me
self respect

as I walk through
this mine field of broken souls

I am flooded
with emotion, with disbelief

how can one peace seeking soul
inflict this much pain
on so many

one who quests for safety
who craves companionship

be this vulnerable
be this alone

no comforting smiles
no happy ever after

just me
for whom I've lost respect

standing knee deep
in truth

painful truth

alone....

Nothing But

a
fucking
fool

Help!

I prayed this morning
asked for guidance

Guidance in these
issues I ponder

In the past
I have found

That I often inadvertently
ignore guidance

Maybe not knowing
if it's just an obstacle

or

The true guidance
of my God

I suppose that doesn't say
much about my faith

About my character

I wonder sometimes
if my attempt
to not hurt anyone
is actually hurting everyone

Here I sit, it a position
to hurt so many people
and I can't see the guidance

I can't hear the word of God
I need help here

Can somebody please help?

Beautiful Flower

It was strikingly exotic, yet vaguely familiar

It had a tall, thick stalk like a sunflower

The vibrant color and splendor of a tulip

The soft alluring fragrance of a rose

Yet it's bloom looked like the bird of paradise

It was standing smartly, almost confident
in it's presentation

The image of a peaceful and spledid bird
perched atop a tall tree

It's radiance drawing in the passerby
like pollen draws a bee

I approached it cautiously
as not to disturb the earth around it

The most splendid and compelling
flower I had ever seen

I was certain that it must belong
to someone

For something so beautifully flourishing
must require great care and nurturing

I found myself going out of my way
to stand in it's presence

Even if only for a moment

In awe of Mother Nature
and her artistic wizardry

I began to imagine taking a spade
to this captivating masterpiece

Gently unearthing it

Carefully relocating it

So that I may enjoy and revel
in it's beauty

Nurture it, and
care for it as my own

But that would be self serving

Only to rob another of it's
elegance and beauty

The Worry Bag

I wear this bag around my neck
that no one else can see

Unadorned and simple
constructed purposefully

Most times heavy, sometimes light
This bag of mine holds fear

For when my soul gets cluttered
and angst filled thoughts appear

I take these stones of worry
and toss them in my bag

Praying they will disappear
these endless pesky nags

These stones of worry smoulder
growing heavier by the day

Until they finally drag me down
and all my strength gives way

My heart grows weary, my soul askew
my eyes well up with rain

Every fiber pulsing with
unrelenting pain

It's then I know to take my bag
and dump it on a table

To sift and sort and rid myself
of those which I am able

Tiny Irony

Steel blue eyes
Locks of golden blond

Lips pink and full
Cheeks rosy and round

The cutest little red dress
with sandals to match

A small white barrette
clasped a lock of her golden hair

Shy at first
Yet quick to warm

Let me hold her
play with her
show her the water

Giggled with tickles
then sleepily laid her head
on my shoulder

One delicate hand
clenching my shirt

The other, her tattered
pink bunny

The cutest little girl
her name, Emma

Kaleidoscope

I want to understand
it's beauty and brilliance

It captivates me
the boundless color
and luminosity

Ever changing
yet always splendid
perfection

My gaze intent
trying to find

a scheme

a blueprint

a pattern

a plan

Longing to posses
the power to recreate

The exquisite image
that evades me
with every revolution

In the blink of an eye
each vision a memory

To render me pining
for "the way it used to be"

All the while missing the vitality
of "the way it is"

How much splendor
does this writer
actually miss

In an effort to
find

a scheme

a blueprint

a pattern

a plan

Sit now and
enjoy the brilliance
of the Kaleidoscope

Be thankful for each
revolution

No longer pining for
that which has passed

For beauty need not
be possessed or understood
to be appreciated

Dances with Me

Try

Please Try

To be more independent

Be

Just Be

Comfortable in your own skin

Trust

With All Your Heart Trust

That your best is good enough

Know

Always Know

That at the end of every day
the one most importantly satisfied
is yourself

Enjoy

Learn to Enjoy

Your own company

Fly

Fly Free

And never question
whether or not you can

Comfort

Comfort is so warm
and inviting
yet so dangerous

Like an addiction

It feels so good
but can be so
destructive at
the same time

It sneaks up
without warning

The fact that we
seek it, desire it
crave it even

Avoiding conflict,
stifled thoughts and
detours

All in an attempt
to remain comfortable

Discomfort awakens
our senses

We become very AWARE that
we are not comfortable

It's not pleasant
so we immediately take
steps to try to comfort
ourselves

Human instinct, like
a baby sucking her thumb

But to seek comfort too quickly
robs one of a most valuable
part of their journey

The part that teaches humility,
appreciation, endurance
and strength

A familiar comfortable place
is good but should not
be sought for hiding

A place to seek refuge from
the journey to be traveled

For to become too comfortable
is to become complacent

Blessings, loved ones,
and even ourselves
can be taken for granted

We must sit in our discomfort
sometimes and become familiar
with our senses

To reap the many lessons
that come from doing so

To truly get to know
ourselves

There...

I see it
even though
you may not
want me to

your vulnerability

I respect it
envy it, am
inspired by it

your truth

It peaks my
curiosity,
not so unlike
my own

your darkness

I value it,
cherish it,
am thankful for it

your friendship

It Would Appear

It would appear
that a troubled soul
is best kept
by a peaceful soul

It would appear

Happy Valentines Day

A lot of love

A little bit of quite

The house is still crying

But tonight my heart is peaceful

Will Somebody Please Take Me Home

I woke up this morning
wondering how in the
hell did I ever get here

What a cluster fuck
mother-in-laws and manic
insignificant others

Blaring television
screaming of normal
conversation

Bitching
non-stop bitching
moaning
complaining

A stranger in
my own home

A home that doesn't
feel like mine at all

Never has, never will

I feel like I am
freaking losing
my mind

Maybe I'll shave my head
and bash in someones car
window with an umbrella

Might as well I feel
like I'm headed
for the psyche ward
anyway

I suppose it might
be quiet there

Security and peace
that's all I wanted
at 19 years old

What an ass

I've been holding
on to THIS for
dear life

20 years of my
dear life

Scared to death
to let it go
because it's
what I know

Leaking leaking
forever leaking
I think this house
is crying

Crying on the inside
just like me

I wanna go home
I don't know where that is
but I wanna go home now

Will Somebody Please Take Me Home

Darting Through Life

My strategy
sling em'
and hope
they stick
on the board

To some
however
a highly
competitive
and precise
game of skill

I liken a
good game
of darts
to life

Sometimes
you can
just sling
shit out there
with no regard
for where it
lands (like on
the swing)

Refreshing yes
always appropriate
well......no

Then there
are the times
in life when
words and
actions must
be well thought
out and perfectly
executed

A lot of times
very much untrue
to our own
characteristics

Be that as it may
sometimes we have
to play "the game"
and be good at it

Making sure that
our darts land
where they were
intended

Other times we
can approach
"the game" with
reckless abandon

Being careful
of course
that stray
darts don't
injure anyone

As with life

Some people
are really
very good
at it

Others just
have fun
and cause
a ruckus to
distract
from the fact
that they really
have no clue
what they're doing

The Power of Words

Truthful jabs
words as weapons

More painful
than a knife

Small shards of
stifled feelings

Escape the
pressure filled
confines of the
heart

Creating a subtle
yet powerful
impact

Disguised as
playful

Often accompanied
by laugher

To further pad
the sharp edges

An attempt at
communication

A subtle
retaliation

Tolerance
on the wane

Hard to say

But this
I know

I am ever
enamored
by the

Simplicity

yet

Unbridled
power

Concealed
in

WORDS

Please God, Let Them See the Train

Children, offspring
a powerful lot
they are

Capable of eliciting
the most intense
of emotions

From the moment
of their arrival
a veritable
cornucopia of
emotions ensue

From the most joyous joy
to the angriest of angry
and every emotion in between

There are precious few
experiences in this life

That will educe the most
proud sense of accomplishment

And

The most painful, searing
sting of inadequacy

Quite possibly
all in a single day

Ever growing individuals
yet extensions of ourselves

They display
some of our
very best qualities

Compassion, Empathy, Thoughtfulness

But they are also constant
reminders of some
of our worst

Disorganization, Discontentment, Inattentiveness

Having already traveled
so many of life's roads

We bear the scars
and harbor memories
of the pain that
these characteristics
have caused us in the past

Being unable to reason
with a child
on his own
journey
down these
well traveled
roads

Is such a painful plight

Frustrating at best
because the knowledge
we have to share
is invaluable

Yet we couldn't seem
more dense to our children

"You just don't get it"
reverberates in my head

Imagine yourself looking down
from a two story window
that has been painted shut

Seeing a person that you would
give your life for standing
on a set of railroad tracks

Behind him, a silent speeding
train approaching

He won't hear you
the window won't open

All you can do is watch
and hope that he eventually
figures out that a train
is coming

Please God, let them
eventually see the train